Sunday, April 30, 2006

Good Weekend

Well this weekend was great.
 
There was some junk food though -- namely Oreo cookies.
 
I was eating over someone that had blown me off after making plans with me. Hmmm...wonder who that was? Mr. Wrong, of course, who just wanted a playmate available 24 hours per day whose world centers on him.
 
I decided to cut him off and I'm thanking God for the willingness, which I couldn't find before. I don't have to email Mr. Wrong a nastygram; don't have to tell him; all I have to do is ignore him. He doesn't like not being worshipped and sought after.
 
Apparently, God guides through intuitive thought and gentle direction. Because, I'll tell you what, before last night, I could not find the willingness at all. I couldn't imagine not having Mr. Wrong in my life again, as a 'friend'. Yeah right. We all know it would have gone farther than that. It would have taken over my life and it was already starting to. I felt like I couldn't stop it. I felt like I was falling down a hole and couldn't stop.
 
But I got so angry when I made plans to hang out with him last night at 7pm. 8pm came and went with no contact from el jerkoff. He finally showed up around 12am, after I'd gone grocery shopping, rented a movie, and watched 3/4 of it and wants to know if I'm available. I had wanted to go to a movie last night but didn't because what was I doing? Waiting for him. What if he called while I was at the theatre? I wouldn't be able to drop everything and go home to be on the internet! Oh God no!
 
No wonder why I felt so sad on Thursday and Friday! I knew I was doing it again. I kept wondering how am I going to get out of this; but then I would think -- you can't. It's too late. I felt inexorably pulled toward this guy who has previously treated me like crap. I felt like I had no control over it. At all.
 
But when he infuriated me last night by blowing me off, as he always used to do, with no excuse at all, and no feeling that he needed to provide a reason for having wasted my time, that was it. I woke up.
 
I was sitting here so livid that I could hardly stand it and I decided to grab my OA For Today book and try to get some peace and some direction. I started reading and started feeling even angrier and wondering why I was even there.
 
When dumbshit fell asleep during a game, and didn't say anything the whole time we were playing, and neither did I, I just signed off without saying anything and ignored his subsequent cell phone text message. I don't need this shit.
 
I was trying to make Mr. Wrong into my higher power, again. Giving him the reins of my life. I felt it before but didn't intellectually put two and two together until last night; I wasn't bare bones honest with myself about it until last night. But when I got honest, it was like a lightning bolt.
 
God I'd even started contemplating playing The Sims Online. "It'll be fun while I'm doing the laundry!" Thank God I'd had the wisdom to throw that game in the trash. Otherwise, I'd go over to my sister's, do laundry, and screw around with that all day.
 
The only good thing about it would be that I'd look forward to doing laundry and I'd actually do it right.
 
Anyway, that's the aha moment for today. I gotta get moving; OA meeting's at 4pm and I still have to visit the Units and do laundry. :o)

Friday, April 28, 2006

Pining For...No One

I think it's official -- I miss Ex.
 
But what's weird about that is that it also feels like he doesn't exist to me anymore. And I don't think about the memories. I don't think about the good stuff of our relationship much anymore. Why would I want to dredge up those memories?
 
So how can I miss him?
 
I guess what I'm feeling isn't really missing someone...it's grief, probably. It's grief over what was and what might have been (see song: What Might Have Been ,by Little Texas), what has been lost.
 
Our relationship, like most, started out with so much promise. So much romance, so much consideration and thoughtfulness. Two people who really wanted it to work, who were prepared to do what it took to make it work, because we dug each other so much. Two people who desperately wanted to be in a relationship...and were happy to have finally found someone whom they could live that out with, at least temporarily. Who knew where it might go?
 
He was so into me. How many times during our relationship did I hear something like, "I'm ready to marry you today. All you have to do is say yes." And when he'd say that, I'd shudder in fear and immediately back away from the romantic notion of marriage and skipping through a field of daisies. 
 
After my divorce, I think I grew up a lot and realized that a lot of success in marriage depends on picking the right person, first and foremost. That way, marriage, which is always going to be (loving) work, won't be an uphill battle.
 
I knew that I hadn't picked the right person for marriage previously and I think I knew that something wasn't right with this picture, either. A twenty-two year old guy who was ready to settle down at the drop of a hat? Yeah, right. A twenty-two year old guy doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground. My opinion of twenty-two year old chicks isn't much better. I base my opinion on my own experiences, so if yours are different, I don't really care.
 
God, I can't frickin breathe. Am noticing that a lot tonight. My limbs feel so dead. But they're still following commands. That's good.
 
Even Mr. Wrong's usual charm and wit can't bypass these feelings. Right now it feels like nothing's going to make me feel better. It feels like I am just going through the motions of life. Mr. Wrong seems happy to have his sandbox playmate back. He bade me an early farewell tonight. Depressed playmates aren't much fun. I just don't have the energy to try and be witty and shit tonight. And Mr. Wrong's got no use for that. Nor does he have any use for someone who's still sad about the demise of her recent 2 year relationship. Ah well, that's to be expected. He's not even a real person anyway.
 
I think that any sleep tonight is going to be courtesy of Lunesta. My body feels full of tears that just will not come out. I keep trying to let them out but they refuse to be shed. My eyes get misty but not a drop of saline touches my cheek. Sponsor says I'll cry when I'm ready to and she made me promise to get to a meeting tomorrow.

Everytime I Think of Doing Some Work...

I consider it for a moment and then feel like I can't face it. Ugh, this just seems crazy.

I Just Don't Want to Be Here Right Now

It's a rainy, yucky day out today.

And it's been a yucky day for me.

Last night was very yucky. I've just been feeling yucky lately.

Maybe it's because Ex has been gone for a month and it's just now hitting me that I'm alone. And now that the novelty of being alone has worn off, it's just not fun anymore. Now it's just what it is - being alone. Maybe I’m just running out of steam…keeping myself busy hasn't been easy. TV, which was so cool before, has now earned that familiar mantra known by TV watchers all over the world: "There's nothing on! Nothing! 60-some channels of nothing! Jaysus!"

And the food is encroaching. It's encroaching. For the first time in a long time, the thought crossed my mind last night that I wanted ice cream. This happened while I was out around midnight, purchasing a bag of cherry bites for consumption.

Right now I feel like I need to have a set food plan which can't be deviated from. I feel like that's the only thing that will keep my disease from creeping in. An "if it's not on the food plan then I can't eat it thing". Then, there are no choices made in the moment.

I really have a feeling that my malaise can be directly attributed to my disease making inroads in my life. I just want to go to sleep, frankly. I feel like I just want to sleep. And not eat at all, honestly. Just hole up, not speak to anyone or be in contact with anyone, and just sleep for a while.

I think it'll be cool to go home, hop in bed, and sleep until 7:30, then go to my meeting tonight.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

It Seems Unfair...

…but I know it's not.

Every Executive Assistant that I've ever encountered in this department has needed my help with Power Point. Or Word or Excel, and most of them know nothing about Access. Twiggy won't even fill out the access forms when I'm gone for my process that I administer. I have to catch up the records when I get back.

Adminzilla was clueless, MJ was clueless, and now Twiggy is clueless.

Well I don't mind helping them at all.

But what I always wonder about is why their work is considered more valuable than mine. Know what I mean? I'm way smarter than they are.

I guess the fact that I'm writing in my blog instead of finishing up expense reports tells the tale.

Oh well…I still get paid more than Twiggy. *smirk*

Britney Spears and Her Baby Bumping Problems

I guess Britney fired her nanny. Yippidy Skippidy.

Check this out:

"Britney also reportedly hired a doctor to advise her on how to keep her tot safe.The doctor advised her not to leave Preston on any high surfaces where he could roll off,” an insider told the ITW, which also reports that Spears was so impressed with the sage advice that she wanted to hire the doctor full time, but he told her that it wasn’t necessary."

No sh*t, sherlock. What a f*ckin idiot. I wonder if that doctor was being sarcastic.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

The Company's Own Field of Dreams: Chapter 2: The Field of Dreams Bathroom

Read this post first, then come back:
 
Well, folks, I guess they decided that those bathrooms which we have our prospects use when Mother Nature calls were unacceptable.
 
Cause now those bathrooms have been remodeled, and they look Nice.
 
And expennnnnnnnnsivvvvvvvve.
 
I really admire the ingenuity of whoever figured out how they were going to work over those tired old bathrooms. The partitions have been painted with a nubby charcoal colored paint and look brand spanking new. Now, if the workmen hadn't painted right over the hinge hardware, it would look *really* new. Shame on them.
 
Same thrones, same floors. But the lighting's different. Specifically, it may be the peak of the sun's brightness the day that you visit the commode to take your morning crap, but once you step into the FOD bathrooms, you're stepping into ambiance, kids. It's lit like Red Lobster's bathrooms...dark.
 
Don't get me wrong, the bathrooms look nice. They changed the wallpaper, added crown molding, and a crown molded shelf too. They also changed out the counters so that they have those sinks that mount under the new granite or whatever countertops. And there's these cool new mirrors. They're oval with black frames; I really like that touch.
 
See what I mean about the expensive bit?
 
No?
 
That's ok; we haven't talked about the crown jewel of this lovely remodel. Or jewels, I should say.
 
The fixtures were changed out and now we have motion sensor faucets. No biggie, right? Yeah, I saw that shit at the mall too.
 
Wait. They didn't stop there. To complement that technological crown jewel known as the Field of Dreams, witness the grace of motion sensor paper towel dispensers.
 
Wow.
 
But they didn't stop there. And, honestly, I saw motion sensor towel dispensers at Wal-Mart, so that's not too exciting.
 
No, the one thing that surprised me was the motion sensor soap dispensers.  
 
Yep. Motion sensor soap dispensers.
 
I guess that makes the company-wide staff who got zilch for Christmas feel much better now. After all, our company can lay claim to a motion-sensor fuckin' orgy in the FOD bathrooms. What more could we as employees ask for? What more do we need in order to bask in the glow of industry technological superiority that we obviously enjoy?
 
I bet the people in Client Services are really glad they're working their asses off and getting nothing at Christmas while we're installing motion-sensor-everything except motion-sensor bidets in the fucking restrooms.
 
Well, it's getting late and I have yet to hook up my new DVD player so I'm gonna go have fun with that, and I'll see y'all tomorrow. :)

Director McDreamy

I work in Sales and Marketing, so many of the guys that I work with are absolute walking eye candy. Have I mentioned that? Well, it's true.
 
Yesterday I facilitated a conference call that had a web component -- specifically, we showed the prospect our presentation via Web so no travel was involved. Pretty cool huh?
 
Although my Directors may look hot, there aren't many of them that are technowizards. I would call most of them technophobes. Hence why I must hold their hands and change their diapers during these web conference calls.
 
But I don't mind one bit. I live to serve! No, I'm not being facetious. My people may not know their way around a computer, but they are grateful people to a man (for lack of a better word). And it is so cool to be able to listen to these calls and see exactly how they work and what they say to their prospects.
 
This is germane, I promise you.
 
I was facilitating just such a diaper changing yesterday and the guy I was sitting across the table from was so hot. Just a beautiful specimen of man. Beautiful dark hair, piercing blue eyes, nice suit, handsome face, clean cut...just hotter than hot. And I was sitting there, listening to him speak and laughing with him and the other director while they made jokes about how inept the director of sales that was running the meeting was. 
 
While one is on a conference call talking to a bat phone, what invariably happens is that one looks around the conference room and ends up speaking to the people who are in the room. There's lots of eye contact.
 
The more I looked in this guy's eyes, the hotter he seemed.
 
I've never in my life sat and had naughty thoughts about someone I work during a meeting with them, but I did have some naughty ones about that guy. I'd never act upon them, but they were there.
 
Then in media res, I started smiling and laughing inside at how ridiculous it was. Here I was, in this innocent little conference call, getting the hots for Director McDreamy while he's talking about the product.
 
And he is not the only Director McDreamy around that office. Not anyone that I think is as hot as he is, but there's a couple of hot guys wandering around my building.
 
Like Maintenance Man McDreamy. Being a maintenance man must be a very physically demanding job, if one can base such conjecture upon the body of the person performing the duties of that position.
 
Then there was Outsourced Database Guy McDreamy. He was hanging around when we were implementing the newest version of a certain database software we use. Oh Lord, knock me over with a feather.
 
And then there is my perennial favorite, also known here as the Pill Popper, and that's Senior Vice President McDreamy. He's tall, blonde, and has beautiful blue eyes. Add to that his intelligence and sense of humor and you have a very hot 45 year old guy. Who knows how to dress, no less. I'm thankful sometimes that I don't have much interaction with this guy, because I don't want to be having McDreamy moments too often.
 
Then there's McDreamys from other buildings and departments too. I was in a meeting with one of them this morning -- very well dressed for a nerd...nice tie chain. Loved that little detail. Not as hot as Director McDreamy or SVP McDreamy, but definitely in the McDreamy class.
 
Frankly, Napoleon's no slouch and he has a nice voice too. Seems to like little kids too, which, of course, is always a point in a guy's favor.
 
And as long as I'm being frank, may I also be frank and just say that I guess the reason why I'm noticing all the McDreamys might be because Ex has been gone a month? 'Nuff said.

A Short, Deluded, Man-Wh*re, Cowboys Boots, and that Car

From: Secretary
Sent: Wednesday, April 26, 2006 10:30 AM
To: MyBuddy
Subject: re: so?
Short men. Short men wear cowboy boots. Or men who are under an illusion that they are living in the old West. Lots of man-wh*res think they're hot too. He obviously fits under one, or all, of those categories -- short, deluded, and a man-wh*re.

I decided against it. Sponsor says there are smarter ways to go about getting another car and that she'll help me when I'm ready. So right now it is a goal :) I am very happy about this decision. The car would have been nice, especially when Bessie went over a bump this morning, the speakers disconnected, and then I had to aim for another bump so I could hear the CD player again. However, I think I'd have had a hard time living with that payment and especially the insurance. There are millions of cars and I guess this just gives me a taste of what I want.

Nitpicker the Temp is getting feisty. She's actually getting pi*sed at the wrong number callers. She's like picking fights with them. Her tone of voice is nasty with a capital N. It says, "Are you just stupid or something?" I'm just waiting for one of them to say, "Stupid is as stupid does, ma'am." Or to call back and call her a nasty name. :)

Hmmm...this is good blog material. :o) Mind if I include the cowboy boot thing?
----------------------------------
From: MyBuddy
Sent: Wednesday, April 26, 2006 10:21 AM
To: Secretary
Subject: so?
What did you decide about the car?
I found a reason to pity AbusiveManSl*t instead of hate him…he was wearing cowboy boots. Who wears cowboy boots?

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

ZoomZoomZoom

Ummm…I kinda did something on a lark.

Last night while waiting for Mr. Wrong to show up, I was keeping myself occupied and was browsing some car ads.

Allow me to pause for a moment to tell you about Bessie.

Bessie is my car; my small, damaged but functioning and fuel-efficient green Ford Escort station wagon. It's 13 years old. Bessie's reaching puberty.

Bessie's air conditioning doesn't work. She also has a problem with the auto-seatbelts. The problem is that only the passenger side's seatbelt works. Another problem is that the power mirrors don't work. And the driver's side front seat is messed up from my last accident. That last accident also sort of did in her front and back bumpers.

But Bessie's a spunky, efficient girl. She just needs a little work. She functions.

Yet I yearn for a newer car. I worry a lot that Bessie will up and quit on me. She might get ticked that I ground her gears one day. And more specifically, I really want to drive up to Minnesota this year to see my best friend of over 20 years. It would also be nice to have a car where most of the accessories work. :o)

So back to the story. I have been thinking about getting a newer car now for a while. While browsing last night, I saw one that piqued my interest and decided to inquire. I thought for sure nothing would come out of it. But they called me back today, all smiles in their voice, about how it's a done deal. I was like, what? With a bankruptcy? And he said that there are banks who yearn to work with bankrupt people because they can't file bankruptcy again.

He said I'll be driving a different car home tonight. I don't really believe him. Typically, these programs leave you with a ginormous payment. I can't and won't go for that. How do they think I went bankrupt the first time? By not knowing my financial condition.

Anyway, I'll keep you posted. But don't expect good news about how I'm driving a 2001 Mazda instead of a 1993 Ford Escort wagon tomorrow. I certainly don't.

Bush Proposals Aim to Ease Gas Prices (but will fall miserably short)

Quotes from: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060425/ap_on_go_pr_wh/bush

Bush Proposals Aim to Ease Gas Prices

By NEDRA PICKLER, Associated Press Writer 1 minute ago

The official also suggested Bush was going to announce that some environmental rules were being relaxed.

Bush has said consistently that gas prices are high because global demand is rising faster than global supply and that the problem cannot be solved overnight.

So we're going to relax environmental rules during global warming? What? That makes no flippin sense. I am beginning to wish I had not voted for this clown. Although, I have to admit, I don't think Kerry could or would do any better. He'd be worse, I think. I guess the truth is that any president who was in the office during the gas and the war situations would be getting tarred and feathered.

The supply and demand theory is ok, I guess, but why are oil companies making record profits? That means that although the price that they charge consumers is going up, their costs are remaining the same. If that weren't the truth, then profits wouldn't be rising so dramatically. Why are oil companies taking this opportunity to put the squeeze on the consumer? Why don't they just stop raising prices?

I just think that all this is a bunch of BS aimed at making America turn to other sources of fuel, which I would be a lot more fine with if I was more comfortable financially and could afford to deal with the changes. But many Americans are in a much, much tighter spot than I am, and they can't afford to deal with the changes. You get the picture. I think consumers are being screwed.

Monday, April 24, 2006

A Glimpse of One Possible Future

I sign on to AOHell.
 
I message him. And message him. And wait. And wait. Play a game, read some news stories, do some other stuff. And wait...
 
You know...I'm so glad that I'm in OA, because if I wasn't, I wouldn't be able to see how sick this is. Not sick as in gross, but sick as in just the opposite of healthy. I would not normally spend this much time on line.
 
Some other tidbits: he's so nice. He offered me the opportunity last night to 'come live with him' in his 'house' in his little game world, The Sims Online. He has the top dance club there.
 
Wow. That's awesome. God, I'm so excited that I can barely sit still in my chair. Uh-huh.
 
And looking at my name on the screen makes him smile. And he still remembers my laugh. And is so concerned about Niece. Mhmm...and still knows how to work women.
 
There's no way in hell I'm signing up for The Sims Online. That is an addiction that has my name, and his, written all over it. Been there, done that. I'm not going to go and get lost in some stupid little fantasy world.
 
Remember me writing about how Ex and I used to sit and play Final Fantasy X2 in the evenings when I'd come home? How the little cartoon characters on screen were living and doing and learning and we were not? That, peeps, is what Mr. Wrong is inviting me to do. Stop living, learning, doing in real life, and start doing so almost exclusively online.
 
No thank you.
 
I had told him I would check the requirements and see if my computer meets them for TSO and then let him know what I found out. Truth be told, the only requirement I don't meet is this one: an unquenchable desire to hide online and stop living. Like I did before. Like he is doing now for some reason. But that reason just isn't important, is it? Nope.
 
For my side of the street, this is not healthy. I can't go back to living that way. Waiting on his beck and call. God, what misery that was. I think I'll skip it. I won't necessarily cut this connection entirely, but I'm not going to strengthen it. Until God gives me the willingness to sever it, I will just let it be.
 
And keep living.

Junk Food Weekend

My food was such a dump this weekend.

Friday night was ok -- soup and toast for dinner, plus the usual meals during the day. Friday evening was a little, um, different though. I watched a movie and had some twizzlers nibs. :)

Saturday was a little messy. I got up late, as I tend to do on Saturdays and Sundays. So I skipped right over breakfast and moved on to lunch, which was alright. Then I went to a movie and that was groovy.

One Moment Please...A Dog Leg into Passion of the Christ
But then afterward, I went home and watched another movie, that rather bloody one that lets us Christians know exactly what Jesus went through for our sins.

While I'm on the subject, let me share with you that The Passion of the Christ didn't resonate with me, as a story of Jesus' sacrifice for us, nearly as much as watching Aslan climb the mountain and be sacrificed in Edmond's stead in Chronicles of Narnia. Passion of the Christ just had too much blood...it seemed to me to be one big excuse to show blood and gore.

It would have been easier to understand and feel Jesus' pain and suffering and how much he felt it if they had had him scream more. I know that's horrible to say, but come on. If someone were whipping you with a cat o'nine tails or a flagella, which has little metal bits on the ends to bite into your skin, you'd be flippin screamin and writhing a little more than Jim Caviezel did. The guy was full God at the same time that he was full Man, right? I'm just sayin'...let us see it. If you're going to do the gore and blood, then let us really feel the pain.

Maybe I was just a little desensitized after having watched Silent Hill, which had scenes of people burning alive, including a presumptive 6 year old. Extreme gore all the way, peeps. And let me tell you, Silent Hill may have been creepy, but it was shitty. Very, very shitty. The plot was all chopped up and very unintelligible. You can get some parts, but not much.

Back to the Food
So during Silent Hill, I had some nachos. Which sucked. I am definitely losing my taste for nachos. They were awesome at first, now they just suck. Plus I get the feeling that that orange goop could also be used to do other shit, like as a solvent to clean other kinds of goop off of stuff. So I think that's it for the movie nachos.

I came home Saturday night, and having nothing to do and no yearning for my mattress, opted to watch Passion of the Christ. Did I mention that I may have stopped by Baker's on the way home and acquired a package of Twizzlers Cherry Bites? And 2 diet pepsis? Yeah, I thought I may have forgotten to mention that.

How I managed to eat cherry bites while watching someone be graphically tortured by (unbelievably) raucously laughing ancient Romans and the BC version of rock-throwing crazy middle-easterners is fucking beyond me.

A COE with her cherry bites is capable of anything, I guess. Except ceasing to eat cherry bites while there's still some left in the fuckin bag. It wasn't a binge though...a binge, to me, leaves you with that uncomfortable, "Oh God, I didn't know my stomach was capable of holding that much food, because I'm about to fuckin blow up!" feeling.

So, back to the junk food confessional...
....after finally finishing Passion of the Christ, which was not a great movie in any sense, and I'm not even going to qualify that with a "in my humble opinion", I started trying to watch "Beyond the Sea", the biopic of Bobby Darrin...another movie that I'm not real excited about so far. I haven't finished it yet, so I guess the jury's out about that.

Then, today was my day to babysit Niece, which was awesome. Did I mention that she and I went to the park yesterday? That was cool also. Foster Mom gave her a whole pack of Peeps to eat. Not cool. Yuck. I said she could have two. Niece was fine with that. Naturally.

We had a great time...and more junk food. Specifically, we went and had lunch with my parents, which meant a trip to Council Bluffs from West Omaha (read $3.00 of gas) to the casino for their Buffet of Death.

I had skipped breakfast, so I combined the two meals into one. Sponsor wouldn't be happy, I'm sure. Oh well. Felt better about food choices the rest of the day. Reasonable dinner. Yay.

And now we head into Monday.

Iraqi Bloggers Weigh in on Changing Nation

I thought this article was great. Note how non-religious Iraqis are happy with the freedom and yearn for more.

I guess I can relate to this guy because he is more Westernized.

**article from Yahoo news…link below:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/ap_on_hi_te/iraq_blogger_s_view

By MARIAM FAM, Associated Press Writer Sat Apr 22, 12:08 PM ET

BAGHDAD, Iraq - Zeyad is a 27-year-old dentist. He works for a government clinic with broken dental chairs and no anesthetics. At home, when gunfire rattles his neighborhood, Zeyad's family cowers in one room murmuring prayers while he types away on his computer.

Zeyad is a blogger.

Unheard of in Saddam Hussein's Iraq, blogging is providing ordinary Iraqis with a voice a chance to vent and reflect on the changes reshaping their country.

For the outside world, the generally anonymous Internet postings offer raw insider views and insights in which sorrow and joy, hope and despair, fear and defiance coexist as the violence of the insurgency and now sectarian divisions swirl around Iraqis.

"The West should listen to the opinions of the simple Iraqi people. They only hear from analysts and politicians," said Zeyad, who agreed to discuss his blogging only if his family name wasn't revealed for security reasons. "This is a good window into the world."

Zeyad penned his first entry in his Healing Iraq blog in October 2003 about Iraq's new currency, calling it "wonderful and so symbolic" that the distribution of the new dinar coincided with the anniversary of a referendum that re-elected Saddam. He has gone on to chronicle his thoughts on all aspects of life in the new Iraq.

A self-described agnostic born into a Sunni Muslim family, Zeyad reacted angrily in 2003 when the then interior minister announced that people found eating in public during the Islamic holy month of Ramadan would be detained for three days and fined.

"I wanted to kill someone after reading all that," Zeyad wrote. "Free country my ass."

In later postings, he seethed at the growing influence of Muslim clerics, saying it made him fear for the future of freedom in Iraq.

"I want to be able to buy my vodka without having to look left and right. I want to be able to walk with my girlfriend in the street while holding hands together without people glaring at me. Is this TOO MUCH to ask?" he wrote. "Do I have to immigrate and leave my country for wanting to do all that?"

But there were moments of pride and exhilaration, too.

One came when Iraqis voted for an interim legislature in January 2005, their first democratic election in decades.

"Hold your head up high. Remember that you are Iraqi," Zeyad wrote that day.

"My mother was in tears watching the scenes from all over the country," he added. "Iraqis had voted for peace and for a better future, despite the surrounding madness. I sincerely hope this small step would be the start of much bolder ones."

More recently, his blog has tackled grimmer subjects: explosions, assassinations, street fighting common themes in many Iraqi blogs.

"Please don't ask me whether I believe Iraq is on the verge of civil war yet or not," Zeyad wrote. "All I see is that both sides are engaged in tit-for-tat lynchings and summary executions."

Zeyad said Health Ministry officials deem the trip to his clinic on the outskirts of Baghdad too risky. That's why the chairs haven't been fixed and the anesthetics were not provided. "We don't work," he said.

Still, Zeyad knows that under Saddam's regime, he couldn't have dreamed of having a blog, let alone publicly criticizing the government.

Like Zeyad, who moved with his family to Britain when he was 1 and returned to Iraq at 7, most Iraqi bloggers seem relatively young and well-educated and they write in English.

While they often mull over the same events, their opinions vary, often along sectarian lines.

Take a March 26 raid by U.S. and special Iraqi forces on a mosque compound in northern Baghdad during which at least 16 people were killed.

Zeyad wrote simply that American soldiers clashed with Shiite Muslim militiamen who resisted the search, but another blogger who uses the pen name Hammorabi took a sharply different view.

"American forces' crime against the worshippers," screamed a headline in Hammorabi's blog. "The killing of the worshippers in al-Moustafa mosque by the American forces should be investigated and those who are responsible for it should be punished."

Some bloggers scorn the "men in black," a gibe at Shiite militiamen accused by many Sunnis of targeting them. Others lash out at "terrorists," an apparent reference to Sunni insurgents frequently attacking Shiites.

The third anniversary of the invasion of Iraq also evoked divergent emotions among bloggers.

While lamenting the violence in Iraq, a blogger who uses the pseudonym The Mesopotamian praised the war that ousted Saddam.

"The blood and sacrifices by the American soldiers and people will never be forgotten," The Mesopotamian wrote. "It was right, it was just and it was ordained by God that a murderer and tyrant should be overthrown."

Not really, argued a woman blogger who calls herself Riverbend. Writing in her Baghdad Burning blog, she said the war "marked the end of Iraq's independence."

"I don't think anyone imagined three years ago that things could be quite this bad today," Riverbend wrote.

Riverbend's writings brought international attention to Iraqi blogging. Some of her blog entries were published in a book that is available in the United States and Britain and that won her a Lettre Ulysses Award for the Art of Reportage.

Her Web musings, often critical but also sprinkled with humor, have drawn mixed reviews, with some readers questioning whether she really is an Iraqi woman.

She hasn't been deterred, offering up her dismay at the hardships of daily life.

"The thing most worrisome about the situation now is that discrimination based on sect has become so commonplace," Riverbend wrote. "The typical Iraqi dream has become to find some safe haven abroad."

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Beyond the Sea

Ok, this movie isn't too bad. It's just not captivating enough for me to not post during the movie.
 
In other news, Mr. Wrong's avoiding me like the plague. This should be a development that I welcome, but being the freak that I am, I don't.
 
Buuuuut, what I really wanted to comment on was the pairing of Kevin Spacey with Kate Bosworth in this movie. Holy Lord, she's a baby compared to him. This is one of those Hollywood things. Geeez. It's ok to pair an extraordinarily young woman with an older man, but NOT, and I repeat, NOT the other way around.
 
Man, Sandra Dee sure is knockin back the liquor. Gee she looks pissed to be referred to as Mrs. Darin. This is what becoming an extension of your mate looks like. Oooo, she's getting mouthy. Looks pissed. Oh shit, here's the death knell...Bobby says, "Performing is my life." Oh now after that line he's trying to make love to her. Bad move dude. Oh man, they are definitely headed for the Big D. Their marriage is soooooo fucked. Oh man, now he's saying shit about how he'd have won an Oscar if he was married to a huge star instead of his wife. I don't know....now they're both trying to leave eachother. They might just make it after all. Man, Hollywood people are crazier than I am.
 
Shit, it's 11pm. When are my clothes going to be finished. I HAVE to go home soon.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

So Sick of Pink

Well I am really tired of this blog format. Having nothing else to do on a Saturday afternoon, I may just change it to another blog template. Unfortunately, this means I'll lose all changes to my existing blog template, which means I'll have to do the links all over and stuff like that. But it's a small price to pay for not having to look at pink anymore. :) Soo I will look at templates today and see if I find one that trips my trigger. If so, you'll soon see a change. But since it entails a bit of work on my part, and we all know how much I love work, I may sleep on it. :)
 
 

They Shouldn't Let Idiots Write Books on Parenting

Read this:
 
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Ron," and I are at odds over parenting our 7-year-old son, "Brett." My husband is very domestic. He cooks like a world-class chef and does more housework than any man I know of.

I have read Dr. James Dobson's books on family. He clearly states that a father should be the manly role model for the son, to prevent the son from being homosexual. I'm concerned that Brett will learn feminine ways from my husband and turn out to be gay. How can I convince Ron that he needs to teach Brett the more manly things in life? -- WORRIED MOM IN FLORIDA

DEAR WORRIED MOM: From my perspective, you don't need to change a thing. With all due respect to Dr. Dobson, your husband is already a manly role model to your son. He is teaching the boy important survival skills that will be invaluable when he is older. With luck, your son will turn out to be every bit the man -- and father -- that your husband is.

What the fuck?

Does Dr. Dobson think that boys should be raised to learn that they can do no cooking or cleaning within a family because the 'joy' of those chores should be left to women? What a fuckin idiot.

Where's my glass of wine and vibrator? Fuck!

Friday, April 21, 2006

China's Girl Shortage Problem

Leslie Stahl of 60 Minutes recently did a report about China's new problem…a shortage of girls. Here's a link to the article:

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2006/04/13/60minutes/main1496589.shtml

Apparently, China's One Child Policy has led to an unexpected, but not unforeseable, problem: too many men. Since China is a male-dominated society and families can only have 1 child apiece, they go to extreme lengths to make sure that their child is a boy. This has resulted in a 100 to 150 girl-boy ratio; 150 boys are born for every 100 girls.

Now the government is trying to fix the problem, which the experts in the article say could be China's undoing. I think it's tacit in the article that what could be China's undoing could be the United States' savior.

Think about it. The United States' economy will soon be no match for China's. That's the message you get from the media, right? And what happens when China is a bigger economic power than the US? America's position in the world will be reduced.

Well, hell, no country can stay on top forever, can it?

I think that what is really telling in this article is this quote:

""This girl said she thinks Americans are "conceited" to have more than one child. In China, she said, "We're supporting the Motherland by having less.""

I can't tell you how creepy that sentiment is to me. Not just because China has about 1 billion people who appear to all have the mentality of working together so their Motherland can become a superpower, but for other reasons. This mentality breeds a serious disregard for individual rights.

I have a Chinese friend who's been in the US since she was 10. She's now 28. One day, she was marvelling at China's progress and how China was going to overtake the US, and I said, "But gosh, isn't it horrible that they're forcibly sterilizing and aborting women, even women who are 9 months along?"

"No." What the f*ck?

"Are you kidding me?"

"No. Why should the rest of the country have to suffer because one ignorant cow can't stop having babies?"

"So you think it's ok for a woman to be tied down to a table and have someone do worse than rape to her? To have them put their hands on her body like that?"

"Yes. She shouldn't have gotten pregnant."

Ever since then, I have felt a little bit different about my friend. Like I don't respect her as much. I can't have that much respect for someone who thinks it's ok to do that to someone - to hurt them like that. You know that if someone tried to do as much to her in China, she wouldn't think it was so simple as she does now.

And that friend and I have grown apart. I'm not sure how much of a loss that is. She always was pretty selfish -- I mean, our friendship was always all about her and what she wanted and if I wasn't willing to comply with her needs and demands, then I was just SOL. I could go on and on about this one…I'm sure she's changed now. I'm just not sure how much I care.

But do you see what's so creepy about this? That mentality says that people aren't people. They are just things. Cogs in a wheel. What counts is not the invidividual, but the whole. The many, not the few. I'm not saying people shouldn't be willing to sacrifice a bit for the greater good; I'm saying that the sacrifices that they're required to make shouldn't include forcible sterilization and violence on par with rape being done to them.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

A Glass of Wine and a 10 Horsepower Vibrator

I love my readers. They are so creative. Always urging me to take care of myself and love myself...literally.
 
Well honey, vibrators just never did anything for me. For one thing, they make this goddamn whirring noise which leaves you no option than to know for sure that they are in fact vibrators. I mean you hear the noise...how can you forget that it's just a vibrating piece of plastic? My imagination just can't get around that. I can't imagine that whirring noise coming out of a red-blooded, flesh and bone man. What would you do if you heard your boyfriend whirring and his dick started vibrating? Run for the hills, I'd guess, while screaming, "Stepford boyfriend! Stepford boyfriend!"
 
The next problem is that vibrators are cold. They are cold, girlfriend. And you can warm them up, but they aren't going to stay warm, now are they? No. They're going to get cold again. And having to apply science to them in order to get them to warm up just isn't romantic to me.
 
Thirdly, the problem with wine is that it wears off. And then I get a headache. Fuck that.
 
Fourth, even if it has been a while, the part about 'I'd rather have my vagina grow teeth and bite off anything that tries to enter before I get into another bad relationship' bit still applies. In my world, a fuck buddy = another bad relationship. I don't separate sex and love real well. That's just me. Tried it once; didn't like it.
 
My sister has often suggested that I just start taking Prozac again. Nuh-uh. All Prozac did was make me not care about anything. Then she suggested that I start smoking weed. Um, no thanks. It ain't worth risking everything just so I can get hungry and go to sleep.
 
But you know what would be really cool and fun? If Omaha had a bar for big beautiful women! LOL Man, I'll be lucky if I don't start getting 'you're a fat cow' remarks in the comments after saying that. No, I'm still not looking to date. I'm just saying that it would be nice to go somewhere where I can be considered cute even at this weight, if for no other reason than to flirt. And be given many compliments by (maybe?) cute men who think I'm the Marilyn Monroe of fat chicks. Then again, that would get tiring real quick.
 
After all, 'chubby chasers' tire of women who lose weight just as quickly as 'slim jims' tire of thin chicks who gain weight. Make sense? So it's all shallow. But the thrill is in the hunt, I've heard. Ah well. On with life.
 
N, we really must go out sometime dear. Not to a bookstore. I mean, we should go out and have a rip roarin' time. Do you know where we can find guys who'd think we're hot? :) I mean those meetings are great fun, believe me, but you can't exactly play pool, stick your ass out, then bend over for admirers, get tipsy and flirt with people at those meetings, can you? Where's the fun?
 
Watch this -- my first comment is going to be from N and she's going to say something to the tune of, "Have you fuckin lost it?" No, I'm just up late and feeling saucy.
 
Hmmm...might be fun to go hang in the BBW room on AOHell for a while and see what inspiration I can get for the blog. With the mood I'm in, I could have a lot of fun. But I suppose that would probably generate some spam, which would suck. If I'm going to do that, I'd better change screen names, LOL. What if a friend of mine saw me there? Eeek!!!!
 
Ah well, It's 10 after 1 now and I guess I'd better get to bed. 'Night y'all.

Administrative Professionals Day

And in other news, next week is Administrative Professionals Day…I think it's on Wednesday…yup, Hallmark confirms it.

So it's time to get some cards and sign them from bogus card givers, then place them in strategic view so people can be reminded.

This worked pretty splendidly for my birthday last year. Try it. You'll see. Gives people ideas. :)

Some flowers might be good too.

Yeah. Flowers. :o)

Unambitious

So Nitpicker had interview number 3 today. Hmmmm…now that I'm less pi**y over that silly parking space (although Niki, I did eat 4 pieces of chocolate today…HORRORS! Actually, there probably will be horrors later on.) I can actually wish her well. Come to think of it, it would be nice to have someone in that position who is unambitious.

And Nitpicker told me that that's what they're looking for…someone who stays in their cube, doesn't chit chat, and doesn't wander around the office. The ideal candidate is unambitious…thinks that being an Executive Assistant is a dream job and is not looking to change jobs any time soon. The ideal candidate, as she explained it to me, as it was explained to her, is someone that would consider changing executive diapers all day to be glamorous, fun, the apex of the Mt. Everest of their careers. Unambitious.

Read: not likely to leave or turn psycho because she's trying too f*ckin hard. :o)

Now, see, to me, it's not unambitious to say that you want to be an Executive Assistant. Being an executive assistant is in fact often the top of the Administrative professional's career ladder. Executive Assistants do have some power, though that statement could be considered arguable, I suppose. I wouldn't mind being an Executive Assistant. I might get bored, I suppose, but I like helping people, on my good days. :)

This Can't Be Right

So I come in to work this morning and I'm sort of zen, but not really. I'm already like an unpinned grenade. One little offense and I could probably just take someone's head off.

Actually, looking back, there was no zen, only an intense feeling of being ready to fight. For my parking space.

MY parking space.

The only perk that I got from adding 2 more people to support to my roster, back when our extra Executive Assistant bit the dust, was the ability to park in the enclosed garage when VPs are out of the office. My two extra people that I support are VPs. They are assigned to me for their support needs. Twiggy does their travel, since she's a travel expert. Anyway, when they were assigned to me, I then got to have the perk of parking in their garage space when they're gone.

For one of the VPs, I always get their space. No one else tries to usurp my perk. But for the other one, well, let's just say I should have been able to park in that space this morning, and I planned on being able to do so, but when I arrived, it turned out that Supervisor had parked in that space.

What is so irritating about that is that I would never be allowed to do the same thing. If I parked in one of her VPs' spaces while they're gone, that she would like to park in…oh screw it!

That is not the point…

The point is that I should not be THIS angry over it. I'm so angry about it that it's ruining my flipping day. A parking space!!!!! Good God!!!!

I'm so angry that I cannot wish for Nitpicker to get the EA position. I'm so angry that it ticks me off that I have to reschedule my meetings to accommodate everyone else. Even though I don't even care to attend those meetings. I feel like I am just so sick of being taken for granted, being treated like what I want doesn't matter, like I am a nobody.

But the truth is that I'm not treated that way. It is just a parking space. Yes, it is a situation where someone was inconsiderate, rude, and selfish. But how many times have I acted that way? How many times have I been late or called in unnecessarily, wasted time doing stuff that has nothing to do with being a secretary? How many times have I filched out of the fridge? I mean, really. It is just a parking space, and Supervisor has always been incredibly kind to me. Why should I be so incensed about her parking in this space? Why? It's just ridiculous…the amount of anger expended on this is nowhere near appropriate to the size of the transgression.

Maybe I'm just ticked at the world.
Maybe I'm having problems because I've had a lot of sugar lately,
maybe I'm ticked because my sister's throwing ultimatums at me and screwing up her life while blaming everyone but herself. And now she wants to screw up Niece's life.

Maybe this,
maybe that,
maybe I just need to flippin SCREAM!

I'm so tired of being f*ckin walked on! I'm praying the Serenity prayer and I'm not getting any serenity…what's up with that? What do I need to do differently?

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

60 Days of Abstinence

Well, yesterday was day 60 of my abstinence.

Man, that's really been a hard row to hoe.

Frankly, when I got my chip last night, I felt like I didn't deserve it. Why did I feel like that? Because even though I have stuck to the terms of my abstinence, I haven't been perfect. I have had times where I've eaten too much. I have had times where I have had *gasp!* candy. And chocolate at that.

But I haven't binged. I must remember that, prior to beginning my abstinence, after I got home on Sunday, I'd have gleefully taken my happy little self to the store, collected 2 pints of Ben and Jerry's, a bag of chips and some salsa, gone home, and eaten it. And I don't mean some of it. I mean I'd have eaten 2 pints of Ben and Jerry's, a bag of chips and some salsa. Whatever I bought at the store would have gone down my throat. I would have laid in bed, in a food coma, and woken up with a hangover the next day, truly. And I'd have felt even worse because now I was going to gain weight from that binge.

So I haven't been perfect with food, which is what I really call abstinence. Sometimes this abstinence feels to me like semantics. A way to have something to achieve so you can feel good but it really isn't complete recovery. However, would I stick to OA if I didn't have something to celebrate? Would I stick to OA if I was 3 months into the program and had no abstinence because I had not attained perfection with my food? No, I wouldn't stick to OA under those conditions. At all. I'd be back in the disease. I'd be back into ice cream and sneak eating and worse dishonesty than I could dream of right now.

So I guess I will take my 60 days and just enjoy it for what it is -- progress, not perfection.

Horrendous Easter Dinners Make Me Want to Eat the World

I went to my meeting last night; the famous, ginormous Tuesday night meeting, and I got some peace, I think. I shared that my sponsor had pointed out, rightly, that I couldn't slow down because I was running from my feelings about having spent the weekend with my family.

Easter dinner was one big long argument, with Mom in the kitchen, grumbling as she fixed dinner. Niece was chasing the cat because it was the most interesting thing going on, the only thing that would just play with her. Dad was just sitting there as usual, issuing orders here and there that no one paid any attention to, unless he was informing us that Niece was torturing the cat. It was noisy as hell, chaotic, disorganized, crowded, and irritable, as usual. It was so much so that I volunteered to host the next holiday. I'm sure that I will wish I hadn't done that when the next holiday rolls around.

Honestly, I made the choice to call my sister first thing and let her know that I had Niece for Easter. I made the choice to stay up until all hours Saturday night, which left me ill-equipped to handle Sunday afternoon. I chose to go to my parents' for dinner, and I chose to eat the foods that I did. Yeah, I have an eating disorder, but that doesn't negate my part in making choices that I wasn't happy with later on.

But even so -- I'm grateful for the ability that OA has given me to say, yes, I made some bad choices, but because I write down my food and I write down my money, I know that althoug I may have fallen off the wagon while making those choices, I didn't burn the wagon. The wagon is still there and I can climb back on and continue on with my life. Falling off the wagon temporarily does not equate to falling into Hell.

So although yesterday wasn't a stellar day where food is concerned, today is a new day. And today, I can make different choices and feel good about those choices, while forgiving myself for things I did yesterday.

Someone pointed out that I am way too hard on myself. Yeah, I am. But check this out: what you see here is an IMPROVEMENT over how I used to be. Yup, it's an improvement. I used to be a lot harder on myself.

So I guess I know what it means when I hear in meetings so often that we claim spiritual progress, not perfection. I HAVE made progress. Since perfection is unattainable, I will take my progress.

Time is a Healer

But gosh, my wounds from the breakup with Ex are healing awfully fast. I was going to bed last night and reflecting that I didn't really miss him as much anymore. Then I had a dream about having a conversation with him, but I can't remember what was being discussed. Maybe it was getting back together, I don't remember. But it wasn't sad, it wasn't happy. It just was. I read somewhere that dreams allow you to experience things in life without really going through them. Like the dream I had where we actually did get back together -- and in the dream, I knew it was a mistake and I had to back out. And I remember sensing how smug he was in that dream.

But you know what the thing about this is? Ex would not want me back. He knows, just as well as I do, how it would end. We both knew that if he successfully moved out, if I could be strong for at least that long, then it would be well and truly over. Neither of us wants to get back with the other.

That's the thing about Ex. One facet of his personality was a lying creep, yes, but there is always a little good and a little bad in everyone. And so it was with him. He's a person doing the best he can with what he has, no matter how much I might villify him while I'm seething. And I'm the same - I'm doing the best I can with what I have. It's like Maya Angelou said, "When I knew better, I did better." Another facet of his personality was being a great dad, even if his motivations for doing so weren't the right ones. I still think that perhaps part of his motivations for it were part show for his family, part real. And other facets of his personality was being a good friend, a good son, and a good employee.

Yeah, I know, I'm not over it if I'm still doing the post mortem. But since I've committed to myself that I'm not dating for a year, I can really take my time getting over it, can't I? There's no rush, no need to avoid my feelings, even if I subconsciously still do avoid them.


Europe, Thy Name is Cowardice

I got this from a friend of mine, and verified its origins with Snopes.com (http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/dapfner.asp) to make sure it wasn't some American hothead's pipe dream. I'm putting it here because it's not from an American - it's from a German, a European. Yesterday I said that I wasn't sure about Bush's sanity but I was primarily referring to nuclear weaponry. :o) I wish that nukes could be taken off the table, but how can Bush do that when his negotiations opponent is insane?

The American public is easily swayed by the media, easily swayed by having our boys at war, listening to how much the war costs, etc. We don't have any intestinal fortitude. Everyone says we shouldn't have gone into Iraq, even though Saddam was busy killing off large swaths of the population. Wasn't 300,000 murders enough to justify his ouster? What about all the rapes and the excesses while his people starved because of his horrible leadership? What about the torture, the prisons full of innocent people who had done nothing but say something against the government? Yet many Americans easily forget about this stuff and insist the war is all about oil. Part of it probably is. I don't know why people expected that helping a country form a whole new government, helping them to experience something they have no experience with, was going to be a snap. Why would anyone think that would be easy? Probably because we are turning into sheeple.

Personally, I think people need to remember that if we desert Iraq now, when it's weak, that a new leader whom we really won't like will probably jump right in to leadership. We can't leave the job undone. Too many lives depend on it.

Europeans in particular think that our country is an example of power run amok. Considering their reaction to people like Hitler, that's not surprising.

Here's the email I got, and the commentary that came with it. I have removed some of the hyperbole; it was filled with exclamation points and whatnot.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Therefore, it's fascinating that this should come out of Europe. Matthias Dapfner, Chief Executive of the huge German publisher Axel Springer AG, has written a blistering attack in DIE WELT, Germany's largest daily paper, against the timid reaction of Europe in the face of the Islamic threat. This is a must read by all Americans. History will certify its correctness.

  

EUROPE - THY NAME IS COWARDICE
(Commentary by Mathias Dapfner CEO, Axel Springer, AG)

   A few days ago Henry Broder wrote in Welt am Sonntag, "Europe - your family name is appeasement." It's a phrase you can't get out of your head because it's so terribly true.

   Appeasement cost millions of Jews and non-Jews their lives as England and France, allies at the time, negotiated and hesitated too long before they noticed that Hitler had to be fought, not bound to toothless agreements.

   Appeasement legitimized and stabilized Communism in the Soviet Union, then East Germany, then all the rest of Eastern Europe where for decades, inhuman suppressive, murderous governments were glorified as the ideologically correct alternative to all other possibilities.

   Appeasement crippled Europe when genocide ran rampant in Kosovo, and even though we had absolute proof of ongoing mass-murder, we Europeans debated and debated and debated, and were still debating when finally the

Americans had to come from halfway around the world, into Europe yet again, and do our work for us.

   Rather than protecting democracy in the Middle East, European appeasement, camouflaged behind the fuzzy word "equidistance,"now countenances suicide bombings in Israel by fundamentalist Palestinians.

   Appeasement generates a mentality that allows Europe to ignore nearly  300,000 victims of Saddam's torture and murder machinery and, motivated by the self-righteousness of the peace-movement, has the gall to issue bad grades to George Bush.

   And now we are faced with a particularly grotesque form of appeasement. How is Germany reacting to the escalating violence by Islamic fundamentalists in Holland and elsewhere? By suggesting that we really should have a "Muslim Holiday" in Germany?

   I wish I were joking, but I am not. A substantial fraction of our (German) Government, and if the polls are to be believed, the German people, actually believe that creating an Official State "Muslim Holiday" will somehow spare us from the wrath of the fanatical Islamists.

   One cannot help but recall Britain's Neville Chamberlain waving the laughable treaty signed by Adolph Hitler, and declaring European "Peace in our time".

   What else has to happen before the European public and its political leadership get it? There is a sort of crusade underway, an especially perfidious crusade consisting of systematic attacks by fanatic Muslims, focused on civilians, directed against our free, open Western societies, and intent upon Western Civilization's utter destruction.

   It is a conflict that will most likely last longer than any of the great military conflicts of the last century - a conflict conducted by an enemy that cannot be tamed by "tolerance" and "accommodation" but is actually spurred on by such gestures, which have proven to be, and will always be taken by the Islamists for signs of weakness.

   Only two recent American Presidents had the courage needed for anti-appeasement: Reagan and Bush.

   His American critics may quibble over the details, but we Europeans know the truth. We saw it first hand: Ronald Reagan ended the Cold War, freeing half of the German people from nearly 50 years of terror and virtual slavery. And Bush, supported only by the Social Democrat Blair, acting on moral conviction, recognized the danger in the Islamic War against democracy. His place in history will have to be evaluated after a number of years have passed.

   In the meantime, Europe sits back with charismatic self-confidence in the multicultural corner, instead of defending liberal society's values and being an attractive center of power on the same playing field as the true great powers, America and China.

   On the contrary - we Europeans present ourselves, in contrast to those arrogant Americans", as the World Champions of "tolerance", which even (Germany's Interior Minister) Otto Schily justifiably criticizes.

   Why? Because we're so moral? I fear it's more because we're so materialistic so devoid of a moral compass.

   For his policies, Bush risks the fall of the dollar, huge amounts of additional national debt, and a massive and persistent burden on the American economy - because unlike almost all of Europe, Bush realizes what is at stake - literally everything.

   While we criticize the "capitalistic robber barons" of America because they seem too sure of their priorities, we timidly defend our Social Welfare systems. Stay out of it! It could get expensive! We'd rather discuss reducing our 35-hour workweek or our dental coverage, or our 4 weeks of paid vacation... Or listen to TV pastors preach about the need to "reach out to terrorists. To understand and forgive".

   These days, Europe reminds me of an old woman who, with shaking hands, frantically hides her last pieces of jewelry when she notices a robber breaking into a neighbor's house.

   Appeasement?

  Europe, thy name is Cowardice.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Well Guys, We're Screwed

So Iran is talking about nuking Israel without actually saying it.

And they' giving $50 million smackeroos to Hamas, a proponent of violence against Israel and who else? Us, of course. The Great Satan.

And now I bring up my.yahoo.com and what do I see?

Bush won't rule out nuclear strike on Iran
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20060418/wl_nm/nuclear_iran_dc_14

Yeah, that's just great. We're toast. Why would we ever actually NUKE a country?

I mean, I know that's not Bush saying, "Hey, I think I'm gonna nuke Iran if they get out of line." He's just trying to show how serious we are and stuff…but, my God, nuclear war? What?

I know that the guy who runs Iran is crazy, but I guess one could also say that maybe Bush is crazy. Although you have to admit that it's not Bush that started freely talking about 'joining the nuclear club' on one side of his mouth and then used the other side to talk about how his nuclear program was strictly for energy generation. And THEN, in the next breath, that Iranian nutjob started talking about wiping another country off the map. Our president's a war-mongering sociopath? That's funny. He doesn't even compare to that fruit from Iran.

Truly, though, I think that a lot of the world's populace actually does think that about Bush. Another fact -- have you ever noticed that we also think that other countries' leaders are all crazy? None of us are fans of the leaders of other countries, if you get right down to it. We don't like how they think; we don't really understand their perspective. About the only innocuous leaders (and I use the term loosely) that everyone seems to 'like', if it can be called that, is the British royal family. And why do we 'like' them? Because they're not political. They just dress nice and have oodles of money, which we'd all like to have.

My history teacher used to say all the time that the Middle East was going to be the hotbed of activity for the world for the foreseeable future. She was right. She was saying this back in 1993. It's 13 years later and where are most of the headlines coming from? The Middle East.

Man, we are so headed for destruction. It's hard to stay positive when you see how bad things are. But then tomorrow, I'll probably wake up and feel like the world is full of daisies and tulips.

Which it is. If you go to like Denmark or wherever all those tulips are from. It all depends on perspective. Today I feel like pooey. Tomorrow I might feel great. My perspective could easily change.

But at least I didn't have fast food today. No, I resisted. I was going to, though. I came thisclose. But nope, I got a chicken salad on rye with potato soup and a diet pepsi. From the kitchen downstairs, and I know how they cook, so I'm comfy with that.

Yup, it all boils down to my food folks.

Monday, April 17, 2006

I Have to Fess Up

I'm gonna have to call my sponsor and fess up that I haven't been completely honest with her. I mean, I haven't directly lied, but I didn't tell her that my finances are balanced but that I sorta took a chance while I wait for a check to arrive in the mail. Eeeeeek.
 
And I didn't tell her about all the sugar that I ate yesterday. It was bad. I'm not abstaining from sugar, but I feel like I haven't been totally honest.
 
I just feel icky. More than anything, I feel icky about the money thing. I made a bad choice and I might have some consequences to face. Taking that chance was awfully stupid and I have a feeling that it's not going to turn out in my favor. I just really feel so dumb for having done that. That's the same behavior that used to get me into trouble.
 
I guess there is a precautionary measure that I can take instead of waiting to get in trouble. I will go do that now.
 
The other thing is this...remember Mr. Wrong? I think that I am subconsciously trying to start something with him, which is absolutely the wrong thing to do. It's completely retarded. We spent all this time online the other night and I had fun, because he, like most addicts, is funny and charming and sweet when he wants to be, but I felt like I'm going to get sucked back in again if I allow this to continue.
 
So I guess I'm going to have to get clean and start fixing some things before they  get out of hand. Even just admitting these things here in this blog makes me feel better. I just don't want to lose my recovery and the bright future that I have ahead of me if I just stick with the next right action in my life.
 
Oh and I kinda didn't count the cancelled debts from my bankruptcy as income for my federal taxes this year and that would have cost me like $900.00. So that's not good. But I don't have $900 and some change right now anyway. And it seems a little dumb that they want someone who couldn't afford to pay their bills to pay THEM money on the bills that they couldn't pay in the first place. God the US government is just so retarded sometimes. Yet, I'm trying to live a life of rigorous honesty, right? So rationalization doesn't frickin matter.
 
Ugh.

The Final Day

Well, it's the final day of vacation. Oh how I will miss being able to do whatever I want without regard for having to wake up early in the morning.
 
The last day of vacation is such a depressing thing...the freedom's already over. Tomorrow I will have to get up and go back to the rock pile.
 
Well, such is life. I really enjoyed these days. I don't think I fully enjoyed taking vacation in the past, usually because I had some stupid man along with me or I had taken the time off for some stupid man or something like this. This vacation was just for me. :o)
 
I guess I'd better get going. I've got laundry to do and stuff like that before tomorrow comes. I'd better get out there and enjoy my final day.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Home Again After the Bickersons Reunion Holiday Extravaganza

Pull into parking lot. Put car into first, turn off ignition, take feet off of clutch and brake. Throw head back onto driver's seat headrest with arm on passenger seat back...sigh. Think about dragging your tired ass up the stairs to my apartment. All 3 flights.
Listen to the gas sloshing in the tank and think about how that is the most peaceful sound I've heard in the past 24 hours.
Her laughter was the most joyful sound I've heard in a long time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I went to Mom n Dad's today for Easter dinner. Oh God, what a clusterfuck. Ham was horrid, as usual...no glaze people. How can you have a ham with no fuckin glaze?
There were 2 pineapple upside down cakes there...which were claimed to have been made from scratch. Considering that they were still in the tins and the plastic covers were sitting on the counter, I'm not buying that. Sister bought it wholeheartedly though. I, of course, did compliment Mom on her baking skills.
Hell, if my kitchen were the size of a walk in closet, I wouldn't want to bake either.
I had sister do the 'easter egg hunt'. She 'hid' the eggs out in Mom and Dad's apartment complex courtyard and Niece had a ball looking for em. That's what counts.
Sister was trying so hard to parent Niece. A little too hard, trying to show Mom n Dad that she's a good parent, I guess. It's kinda sad really. I really mean that, not in a nasty way...I mean it in the sense that it's sad that she feels she must prove it to them and to the world. But I guess that's what she's been trying to prove for almost 2 years now.
Maybe I'm cynical because I'm so damn tired, but it seemed to me like she was courting the child, not really parenting her. I sometimes wondered, however, if I was a little too much of a control freak. I didn't give Niece any leeway. How much did Boyfriend rub off on me? Maybe I do need to relax a little bit.

God Give Me the Strength

Niece stayed with me overnight last night and today we are going to my parents' house for Easter dinner. Yippy skippy.
 
Foster Mom was all like, "Oh keep her just as long as you want, spend all the time you want with her..." Yeah. I'm sure lady.
 
Niece's clothes are frickin raggedy as hell and she doesn't have proper shoes...just a pair of flip flops and an old pair of dress shoes. I had to ask Foster Mom to buy Niece an easter dress. Why would she not do that? Ok, yes, I'm extremely critical of Foster Mom. Why is it that Niece is filthy every time I pick her up from that house? And why do they act so frickin weird? Shit, this time when I picked her up, there was a fuckin reception in the living room...foster mom, one of the daughters, and the father. It was just incredibly weird.
 
Anyway, Niece has been a total pill today. Total. Unless we're doing something fun. If she doesn't get her way, she's pissy, to say the least. Now I know why I could not be a single mom again!!!! I hope I remember this day every time I think of wanting to adopt Niece or anything. She needs TWO parents.

Friday, April 14, 2006

The Rose Doily

This doily is the one that followed another doily that had a ring of pansies and green edging. Supervisor and the RFP guy ruthlessly traded for that doily in the gift exchange last Christmas. I miss that one. It was about 18 inches wide. I loved those purple and white flowers. They'd turned out perfectly.


Alas, I had to find another project to do, so The Rose Doily was it. I was tired of making flowers that were separate from the doily body and thought it would be a nice break to just make a thread doily that was all one color.


My fifth doily was completed over a 3 or 4 month period and it's about 22 inches wide. I started it shortly after my Dad came home to my mom after his stroke. The unique shape is what attracted me to it. I think it's my best work yet.


My Doilies


Ask and ye shall receive. Seek and it shall be given unto you...
These are pictures of the doilies I have made. :)
Irish Rose Doily
This doily was attempted after I healed from my disastrous first doily attempt by crocheting a baby blanket in between. That first one should have been 12 inches wide but ended up being 3 feet wide. Oops. When I told my crochet group that I was going to attempt this one, they tried to talk me out of it. I did it anyway.
Each flower and leaf took about 45 minutes to complete. There are 8 each. So, we're talking about many hours to make this doily.

You're Beautiful

You know that song by James Blunt?
"You're beautiful,
You're beautiful,
You're beautiful, it's true..."
How could you not? If you listen to the radio, it's being sooooo overplayed. People are going to be totally sick of it. I hope. The sooner the better.
Listening to the radio has become a risky proposition these days after having been betrayed.
This song is the reason why. I still remember the morning when Ex told me how much his whore, Christine, loved that song. How she loved to listen to it over and over. And I thought, what the fuck? Why is he telling me this? He's fucking her, I know it. Whenever I hear that fucking song, I think of how they probably listened to that song .in. my. car. and were all gushy over it. Fucking lying worthless assholes, the both of them.
I wish they would stop playing that fucking song. How nice for him that he can just go from relationship to relationship, bed to bed, and has someone to be romantic with already, while I sit here trying to get used to being myself, trying to prepare myself so that I can make better relationship choices.
I guess what I should say is that, yeah, he can hop from relationship to relationship, until the spell wears off on the woman he's currently with, and she sees him for what he is. But until the spell wears off, he'll make her feel like the most beautiful, most desirable woman in the world. He'll probably tell her a thousand times how her ass was made for a thong. He'll probably buy lingerie for her. He'll give her stuffed animals. Yippy skippy.
This is the gift the fucker gave me that he thought was probably one of the best ones he ever gave me. He gave it to me and said, "Why can't you dress like that, honey?"
I know, this bear is fucking hilarious. lol. Ex did have a sense of humor. After all, how are you ever going to get into that girl's pants at the bar if you can't make her laugh?

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Retail Therapy?

I find this a little bit disturbing.
 
Why am I so excited about spending money?
 
I mean, I am so excited about getting some skin care tomorrow (frickin acne), excited about running around in the nice weather. Just excited about not being so damn poor. And not being at work all day. And sleeping in.
 
Fact is, though, life wasn't really that boring when I didn't have any money to spend. In fact, it was liberating. When you don't have money to spend, that's like running into a brick wall. You don't have money, so you don't think, "Oh gosh, whatever shall I do tonight?" There's no thought...you're gonna go home, you're gonna fix dinner, you might go to a meeting, and then you're gonna go to bed. You might hop online, you might crochet, but you aren't going to be running around spending money, because you don't have any.
 
So there are less options, but that also makes it easier to choose. Less mental clutter. At least for me. There's no temptation to spend money on excess food. No temptation to run off and assuage my feelings with food. No temptation to go off half-cocked about some new fad hobby of mine, like decorating. You're a lot more careful about what you do when you have less money.
 
I noticed my thoughts getting crazy when I was at Wally World tonight getting some things for Niece. Is retail just designed to make your thoughts go crazy with possibilities or is it just me?
 
That just disturbs me because how do you think I got so damn poor? By being crazy with money, just like I was crazy with food. My sponsor and I are working on producing a budget for me, and so I'm tracking what I spend every day, and I mean down to the penny. And I'm keeping my checkbook balanced.
 
I don't know...I guess I just question every single thing I do these days, trying to stay aware of where my disease is making inroads. Where does my recovery need work? If I want to go out for dinner, is it because I want to stuff down some feeling, avoid something? If I want to buy something at the store, is it because I want a pick me up or do I really need it? I guess letting God into my finances would help. These days, I am so afraid of bingeing, I feel guilty if I go to a drive through, even if I order an appropriate amount of food. I know it could easily spiral out of control, just like I know my money could too.
 
I have made financial comebacks before, and they have never lasted. I always kept it up for a time, then lagged behind. I would keep my checkbook balanced, be fiscally conservative, then one day just think, oh fuck it, then just ignore everything. Not a good recipe for success.
 
That's how I grew up. We hid from the OPPD guy so many times when they'd come to shut us off.
 
But then again, so what? That may have been how I grew up, but that doesn't have to be me. That old, "I grew up that way; that's what I know how to do" shit gets old. True or not, it gets old and sooner or later, I just have to say, "Well, yeah, that's how it was, but I'm a grown up now. This is my life and it's time to take charge of it." Even reading that, I feel like saying, "Oh Jesus, stop whining and just deal with it." At this point, my sponsor would say something like, "Go gently Sheila. You did the best you could at the time." That's true. I did. Now I can do better.
 

Online Lotharios

It turns out that nothing deters online lotharios. Not even changing your profile to marital status: unavailable.
 
Suppose I changed my gender to something like this: Hell if I know.
 
Or maybe something like, "What if you have both parts?"
 
Or maybe, "Let me put it this way: Felicity Huffman is my hero."
 
Oh wait, there is one thing that would nix their efforts forever. I could put my weight on my profile. They'd drop off like flies then. That's what happens in conversation, let me tell you.
 
You could tell some guy trolling for a mate that you just got out of a 2 year relationship and you're not dating for a year and still he'd press on. I keep hoping one of these people will just want to be a friend. Why would I hope something so stupid? I don't know; out of loneliness late at night? Out of caffeine induced insomnia? (drank a diet pepsi around 11pm).
 
You could tell one of these fruits that your vagina is blocked by a ginormous genital wart that's growing little hairs, and his vacuous response would be something like this, "So, do you have a pic, pretty girl?" I think I'm going to try it next time some jerk IMs me, in fact. I'll keep y'all posted.
 
My witty repartee is lost on these tools. I mean, it's ridiculous. Guys all say they want someone smart. They all say they want someone they can talk to. What they really want is a nice rack and a juicy little butt, with a narrow waist and killer abs in between. Long blonde hair and the absence of conscious thought is a plus. Hence, why Paris Hilton is so popular. She's arm candy.
 
Well, that's enough bitching for one night, I think. Truth it, I could solve this problem quite simply -- by just putting no information on my profile at all. But what fun would that be? Then I wouldn't have anything to bitch about...and we all know that bitching is by far what I do best.