Retail Therapy?

I find this a little bit disturbing.

 

Why am I so excited about spending money?

 

I mean, I am so excited about getting some skin care tomorrow (frickin acne), excited about running around in the nice weather. Just excited about not being so damn poor. And not being at work all day. And sleeping in.

 

Fact is, though, life wasn't really that boring when I didn't have any money to spend. In fact, it was liberating. When you don't have money to spend, that's like running into a brick wall. You don't have money, so you don't think, "Oh gosh, whatever shall I do tonight?" There's no thought...you're gonna go home, you're gonna fix dinner, you might go to a meeting, and then you're gonna go to bed. You might hop online, you might crochet, but you aren't going to be running around spending money, because you don't have any.

 

So there are less options, but that also makes it easier to choose. Less mental clutter. At least for me. There's no temptation to spend money on excess food. No temptation to run off and assuage my feelings with food. No temptation to go off half-cocked about some new fad hobby of mine, like decorating. You're a lot more careful about what you do when you have less money.

 

I noticed my thoughts getting crazy when I was at Wally World tonight getting some things for Niece. Is retail just designed to make your thoughts go crazy with possibilities or is it just me?

 

That just disturbs me because how do you think I got so damn poor? By being crazy with money, just like I was crazy with food. My sponsor and I are working on producing a budget for me, and so I'm tracking what I spend every day, and I mean down to the penny. And I'm keeping my checkbook balanced.

 

I don't know...I guess I just question every single thing I do these days, trying to stay aware of where my disease is making inroads. Where does my recovery need work? If I want to go out for dinner, is it because I want to stuff down some feeling, avoid something? If I want to buy something at the store, is it because I want a pick me up or do I really need it? I guess letting God into my finances would help. These days, I am so afraid of bingeing, I feel guilty if I go to a drive through, even if I order an appropriate amount of food. I know it could easily spiral out of control, just like I know my money could too.

 

I have made financial comebacks before, and they have never lasted. I always kept it up for a time, then lagged behind. I would keep my checkbook balanced, be fiscally conservative, then one day just think, oh fuck it, then just ignore everything. Not a good recipe for success.

 

That's how I grew up. We hid from the OPPD guy so many times when they'd come to shut us off.

 

But then again, so what? That may have been how I grew up, but that doesn't have to be me. That old, "I grew up that way; that's what I know how to do" shit gets old. True or not, it gets old and sooner or later, I just have to say, "Well, yeah, that's how it was, but I'm a grown up now. This is my life and it's time to take charge of it." Even reading that, I feel like saying, "Oh Jesus, stop whining and just deal with it." At this point, my sponsor would say something like, "Go gently Sheila. You did the best you could at the time." That's true. I did. Now I can do better.