I Have to Fess Up

I'm gonna have to call my sponsor and fess up that I haven't been completely honest with her. I mean, I haven't directly lied, but I didn't tell her that my finances are balanced but that I sorta took a chance while I wait for a check to arrive in the mail. Eeeeeek.

 

And I didn't tell her about all the sugar that I ate yesterday. It was bad. I'm not abstaining from sugar, but I feel like I haven't been totally honest.

 

I just feel icky. More than anything, I feel icky about the money thing. I made a bad choice and I might have some consequences to face. Taking that chance was awfully stupid and I have a feeling that it's not going to turn out in my favor. I just really feel so dumb for having done that. That's the same behavior that used to get me into trouble.

 

I guess there is a precautionary measure that I can take instead of waiting to get in trouble. I will go do that now.

 

The other thing is this...remember Mr. Wrong? I think that I am subconsciously trying to start something with him, which is absolutely the wrong thing to do. It's completely retarded. We spent all this time online the other night and I had fun, because he, like most addicts, is funny and charming and sweet when he wants to be, but I felt like I'm going to get sucked back in again if I allow this to continue.

 

So I guess I'm going to have to get clean and start fixing some things before they  get out of hand. Even just admitting these things here in this blog makes me feel better. I just don't want to lose my recovery and the bright future that I have ahead of me if I just stick with the next right action in my life.

 

Oh and I kinda didn't count the cancelled debts from my bankruptcy as income for my federal taxes this year and that would have cost me like $900.00. So that's not good. But I don't have $900 and some change right now anyway. And it seems a little dumb that they want someone who couldn't afford to pay their bills to pay THEM money on the bills that they couldn't pay in the first place. God the US government is just so retarded sometimes. Yet, I'm trying to live a life of rigorous honesty, right? So rationalization doesn't frickin matter.

 

Ugh.