60 Days of Abstinence

Well, yesterday was day 60 of my abstinence.

Man, that's really been a hard row to hoe.

Frankly, when I got my chip last night, I felt like I didn't deserve it. Why did I feel like that? Because even though I have stuck to the terms of my abstinence, I haven't been perfect. I have had times where I've eaten too much. I have had times where I have had *gasp!* candy. And chocolate at that.

But I haven't binged. I must remember that, prior to beginning my abstinence, after I got home on Sunday, I'd have gleefully taken my happy little self to the store, collected 2 pints of Ben and Jerry's, a bag of chips and some salsa, gone home, and eaten it. And I don't mean some of it. I mean I'd have eaten 2 pints of Ben and Jerry's, a bag of chips and some salsa. Whatever I bought at the store would have gone down my throat. I would have laid in bed, in a food coma, and woken up with a hangover the next day, truly. And I'd have felt even worse because now I was going to gain weight from that binge.

So I haven't been perfect with food, which is what I really call abstinence. Sometimes this abstinence feels to me like semantics. A way to have something to achieve so you can feel good but it really isn't complete recovery. However, would I stick to OA if I didn't have something to celebrate? Would I stick to OA if I was 3 months into the program and had no abstinence because I had not attained perfection with my food? No, I wouldn't stick to OA under those conditions. At all. I'd be back in the disease. I'd be back into ice cream and sneak eating and worse dishonesty than I could dream of right now.

So I guess I will take my 60 days and just enjoy it for what it is -- progress, not perfection.