But gosh, my wounds from the breakup with Ex are healing awfully fast. I was going to bed last night and reflecting that I didn't really miss him as much anymore. Then I had a dream about having a conversation with him, but I can't remember what was being discussed. Maybe it was getting back together, I don't remember. But it wasn't sad, it wasn't happy. It just was. I read somewhere that dreams allow you to experience things in life without really going through them. Like the dream I had where we actually did get back together -- and in the dream, I knew it was a mistake and I had to back out. And I remember sensing how smug he was in that dream.
But you know what the thing about this is? Ex would not want me back. He knows, just as well as I do, how it would end. We both knew that if he successfully moved out, if I could be strong for at least that long, then it would be well and truly over. Neither of us wants to get back with the other.
That's the thing about Ex. One facet of his personality was a lying creep, yes, but there is always a little good and a little bad in everyone. And so it was with him. He's a person doing the best he can with what he has, no matter how much I might villify him while I'm seething. And I'm the same - I'm doing the best I can with what I have. It's like Maya Angelou said, "When I knew better, I did better." Another facet of his personality was being a great dad, even if his motivations for doing so weren't the right ones. I still think that perhaps part of his motivations for it were part show for his family, part real. And other facets of his personality was being a good friend, a good son, and a good employee.
Yeah, I know, I'm not over it if I'm still doing the post mortem. But since I've committed to myself that I'm not dating for a year, I can really take my time getting over it, can't I? There's no rush, no need to avoid my feelings, even if I subconsciously still do avoid them.
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