A Glass of Wine and a 10 Horsepower Vibrator

I love my readers. They are so creative. Always urging me to take care of myself and love myself...literally.

 

Well honey, vibrators just never did anything for me. For one thing, they make this goddamn whirring noise which leaves you no option than to know for sure that they are in fact vibrators. I mean you hear the noise...how can you forget that it's just a vibrating piece of plastic? My imagination just can't get around that. I can't imagine that whirring noise coming out of a red-blooded, flesh and bone man. What would you do if you heard your boyfriend whirring and his dick started vibrating? Run for the hills, I'd guess, while screaming, "Stepford boyfriend! Stepford boyfriend!"

 

The next problem is that vibrators are cold. They are cold, girlfriend. And you can warm them up, but they aren't going to stay warm, now are they? No. They're going to get cold again. And having to apply science to them in order to get them to warm up just isn't romantic to me.

 

Thirdly, the problem with wine is that it wears off. And then I get a headache. Fuck that.

 

Fourth, even if it has been a while, the part about 'I'd rather have my vagina grow teeth and bite off anything that tries to enter before I get into another bad relationship' bit still applies. In my world, a fuck buddy = another bad relationship. I don't separate sex and love real well. That's just me. Tried it once; didn't like it.

 

My sister has often suggested that I just start taking Prozac again. Nuh-uh. All Prozac did was make me not care about anything. Then she suggested that I start smoking weed. Um, no thanks. It ain't worth risking everything just so I can get hungry and go to sleep.

 

But you know what would be really cool and fun? If Omaha had a bar for big beautiful women! LOL Man, I'll be lucky if I don't start getting 'you're a fat cow' remarks in the comments after saying that. No, I'm still not looking to date. I'm just saying that it would be nice to go somewhere where I can be considered cute even at this weight, if for no other reason than to flirt. And be given many compliments by (maybe?) cute men who think I'm the Marilyn Monroe of fat chicks. Then again, that would get tiring real quick.

 

After all, 'chubby chasers' tire of women who lose weight just as quickly as 'slim jims' tire of thin chicks who gain weight. Make sense? So it's all shallow. But the thrill is in the hunt, I've heard. Ah well. On with life.

 

N, we really must go out sometime dear. Not to a bookstore. I mean, we should go out and have a rip roarin' time. Do you know where we can find guys who'd think we're hot? :) I mean those meetings are great fun, believe me, but you can't exactly play pool, stick your ass out, then bend over for admirers, get tipsy and flirt with people at those meetings, can you? Where's the fun?

 

Watch this -- my first comment is going to be from N and she's going to say something to the tune of, "Have you fuckin lost it?" No, I'm just up late and feeling saucy.

 

Hmmm...might be fun to go hang in the BBW room on AOHell for a while and see what inspiration I can get for the blog. With the mood I'm in, I could have a lot of fun. But I suppose that would probably generate some spam, which would suck. If I'm going to do that, I'd better change screen names, LOL. What if a friend of mine saw me there? Eeek!!!!

 

Ah well, It's 10 after 1 now and I guess I'd better get to bed. 'Night y'all.