Ex Was a Manipulative, Sadistic, Abusive sociopath.

March 10th is a day that, for me, is kind of living in infamy. That was one of the days when Ex and his wh*re were going at it at work.

You know when you discover someone is cheating on you and you dump them for it, then you kinda move on with your life? But every now and then you want to go back to the dates that you know they were screwing their paramour and wonder what you were doing on those dates? You want to try and pinpoint the suspect behaviors, and you want to look back and say…SEE!!!!! I KNEW something was going on! I AM NOT CRAZY!

And you want to examine the 'signs'. I'm kinda going through that right now. I want look back and see the signs and right now I really want to slap Ex around. I'd really like to do something to him right now and it wouldn't be nice. I'm so angry at that louse for doing this to me again.

What a creep.

I'm not feeling very compassionate right now…so there are a lot of things I want to say to him. Like, how could you do that to me? How could you live with yourself, lying like that? How did you sleep at night, IN MY BED, so comfortably and happily? How could you frickin propose to me and then go and do this stuff?

And then it occurred to me recently that he'd been working on seducing her for a long time. I had discovered IM conversations previously in which he was talking to women seductively, but not explicitly. He had been working on her, trying to get her to go with it, for about 6-7 months, considering that I discovered those IM conversations in about October or November. He had discovered her weaknesses through conversation, figured out how to seduce her, and, like some kind of serial killer or something, was patient enough to wait for the opportune time.

I remember because Niece was outside playing but it was a little bit cold out. He assured me that it was all talk. And there was nothing explicit, so I stupidly believed him, even though it was plainly stuff that was inappropriate. And even though he appeared to be seeking extracurricular s*x with the women whom he was speaking to. And even then, he wasn't sorry about it. I allowed myself to be talked into believing him.

God, how gullible.

But was I gullible? Was I really? Why was I checking his IM conversations? Why did I read his email? It was because I knew, in the back of my mind, that he was cheating. A better way to say that was that I knew he wasn't faithful or going to stay faithful. I knew that he was going to cheat again, if he hadn't already.

God I just really want to call him right now. I really want to use him as a verbal punching bag.

Now, I know that I should have listened to my intuitions, my friends, all the advice, etc. I know that, now. And I know that the part of my pain that I can take responsibility for was my failure to listen to myself. I kept myself living in a 'happily ever after at all costs' fantasy. That's my part.

It's important to remember, though, that knowing what my part in this was doesn't change the evil that he chose to act out. He chose to lie. He chose to sneak around. He chose to hurt people. She is choosing that too, but I don't think she knows who she's dealing with…a master at manipulation. Ex is a guy who knows how to work women - a manipulative, sadistic, abusive sociopath.

God I get chills just reading that. And after reading about how sociopaths behave, I know I'm right.