Online Flirtation BS

Alrighty, so last night at about 12am, I'm doing what a lot of non-TV oriented folks do when they're bored and alone.

I'm online, reading the news, blogs, anything to avoid going to bed…alone.

But I'm getting tired, thank God, so I'm about to sign off, when up pops what but an IM window from an unknown sender. I made the mistake of marking myself single on my profile. Crap.

This dude's name is "TheOne" something or other and I already know why he's IM'ing me, but I'm bored and lonely, so why not just go with it for now? Part of me screams, "You know why, you moron!!!!! Because you're going to get caught up in some ridiculous fantasy and you're cheating your commitment not to date for a year!" But I tell myself that I can control it.

Sooo, this amusing little diversion begins.

TheOne says hello and I respond in kind. After ascertaining that I've never spoken to this person in my life, I ask him what he wants to 'chat' about. I brace myself for the age question…usually the opener. I've brushed off a lot of these unwanted chitchats. The minute you tell them that if they're looking for a girlfriend, there are much greener pastures to search in, they do indeed go off and find greener pastures. To my surprise, no age question is forthcoming. This one's a little more subtle.

"So are you 76 or is that the year of your birth?"

"Year of my birth. Are you 75 or 40 or were you born in one of those years?"

"hahahaha. I was born in 75."

"Really? So, maybe you can tell me what it feels like to turn 30. I'm not looking forward to it." Surprisingly, this guy knows how to make conversation. Flashbacks to the King of BS himself, Mr. Wrong, start appearing in my head. He was charming too. As was Ex. Loverly.

So then the conversation goes on and pretty soon, I find out that "TheOne" is on a mission. Hmmm…sounds Mormon.

"What kind of mission?"

"To find the love of my life." Oh boy, this one still lives with his parents, I bet. Or he's on drugs…I'm not sure which one is more evil after my recent experience.

After a little more conversation, we find out that he's never been married. He doesn't say so and I don't ask, but it's easy to tell.

"So, are your parents still together?" I laugh at this one. I know the mentality behind this question. After you've been married and things didn't go well, you know what it takes to keep a marriage together, and it's not all hearts and flowers. The day to day workings of a marriage are just that: work. This guy just assumes that I've never been married, which says to me that he hasn't, because if he had been, he could conceive of someone being married and divorced by age 26.

Before OA, I'd have divulged every crazy little thing about my crazy parents. Not so now.

"Yup. Yours?"

"I'm glad to hear that."

"Why?"

"Because so many people get divorced nowadays." lol, now we can have some real fun.

"Yeah, I know. But some people just have that mentality that they're not going to divorce, no matter how bad things get." I know he thinks I'm saying this positively, but he doesn't know my family. Amazing how people's experiences color their perceptions. I'm not sure how much of the bad side of life this naif has seen.

He says something like, yeah people think marriage is so disposable nowadays.

So later in the conversation we discover that he makes store fixtures, which pegs whom he works for. He's trying hard to stay anonymous. LOL. Perhaps his online experiences have been colored by a few psychos here and there. Or perhaps he's paranoid.

"That's pretty heavy duty work, isn't it?"

"Yeah but I make it look easy." Alrighty, we know this one may have a muscular body…that doesn't rule out a little chubbiness though. He's into fitness to some degree and proud of it. So then I figure, well why not just confirm it?

"So what do you like to do for fun?"

"Oh, I'm outdoorsy…I like tennis and riding my bike." Yup, there we go. Do you have any idea how much running tennis takes? Good God. It makes me tired just thinking about it.

"I've never played tennis."

"No? Well, I'm not good but I know how to play. I could teach you sometime." I doubt it dude. First off, if you're into physicality, I'm not the girl for you. Secondly, I'm not dating. And meeting you offline would not be because we run in the same circles and have some real basis for friendship. Maybe if we talk more and you really are just trying to be a friend, that would be one thing. But I doubt that's going to happen.

"That's awfully kind of you, but I'm not dating right now. At all." Wow, did I just say that? My MO in the past has been to jump at any and all chances.

"Not trying to date, just trying to be a friend." Whatever dude. I know the truth, and truth is that he's trying to scare up a girlfriend online, but I don't need to argue with him. I just need to go to bed.

"It's been nice talking to you, but I'm going to pay tomorrow if I don't get to bed. IM me again sometime." He won't. I say this a few times while he talks on and on, obviously juggling more than one conversation. See what I meant about him sifting for a girlfriend online?

"Alright, goodnight. Sweet dreams, Secretary." Sweet dreams? Okey dokey smokey.

See, you can tell a lot about someone by both what they say and what they don't. People could say I'm reading too much into this, but I'm not. I'm just listening to my instincts for once. They are usually right and if listened to, guide me along well. Problem is, I usually don't listen to them. But I am changing and nowadays, instincts are more often heeded than not.

Well, kids, I'm off to lunch. Au revoir.