Pining For...No One

I think it's official -- I miss Ex.

 

But what's weird about that is that it also feels like he doesn't exist to me anymore. And I don't think about the memories. I don't think about the good stuff of our relationship much anymore. Why would I want to dredge up those memories?

 

So how can I miss him?

 

I guess what I'm feeling isn't really missing someone...it's grief, probably. It's grief over what was and what might have been (see song: What Might Have Been ,by Little Texas), what has been lost.

 

Our relationship, like most, started out with so much promise. So much romance, so much consideration and thoughtfulness. Two people who really wanted it to work, who were prepared to do what it took to make it work, because we dug each other so much. Two people who desperately wanted to be in a relationship...and were happy to have finally found someone whom they could live that out with, at least temporarily. Who knew where it might go?

 

He was so into me. How many times during our relationship did I hear something like, "I'm ready to marry you today. All you have to do is say yes." And when he'd say that, I'd shudder in fear and immediately back away from the romantic notion of marriage and skipping through a field of daisies. 

 

After my divorce, I think I grew up a lot and realized that a lot of success in marriage depends on picking the right person, first and foremost. That way, marriage, which is always going to be (loving) work, won't be an uphill battle.

 

I knew that I hadn't picked the right person for marriage previously and I think I knew that something wasn't right with this picture, either. A twenty-two year old guy who was ready to settle down at the drop of a hat? Yeah, right. A twenty-two year old guy doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground. My opinion of twenty-two year old chicks isn't much better. I base my opinion on my own experiences, so if yours are different, I don't really care.

 

God, I can't frickin breathe. Am noticing that a lot tonight. My limbs feel so dead. But they're still following commands. That's good.

 

Even Mr. Wrong's usual charm and wit can't bypass these feelings. Right now it feels like nothing's going to make me feel better. It feels like I am just going through the motions of life. Mr. Wrong seems happy to have his sandbox playmate back. He bade me an early farewell tonight. Depressed playmates aren't much fun. I just don't have the energy to try and be witty and shit tonight. And Mr. Wrong's got no use for that. Nor does he have any use for someone who's still sad about the demise of her recent 2 year relationship. Ah well, that's to be expected. He's not even a real person anyway.

 

I think that any sleep tonight is going to be courtesy of Lunesta. My body feels full of tears that just will not come out. I keep trying to let them out but they refuse to be shed. My eyes get misty but not a drop of saline touches my cheek. Sponsor says I'll cry when I'm ready to and she made me promise to get to a meeting tomorrow.