Progress

I'm going ot bed after I post this, but just wanted to do this before I did so.

 

I felt shitty tonight. I went to Big Book Study and I heard what I needed to hear, I guess. I came thisclose to having a friend over to my dumpy little apartment. It'll happen one of these days. It's a baby step. I'm proud to have made progress in this area, as I haven't wanted to ever invite anyone over to this apartment before.

 

But I felt like an asshole so much of the time at the Study. I feel like I'm obnoxious and don't fit in with these people who are trying to get healthy. Sometimes I just feel like a poser, who says what she's supposed to and does what she's supposed to, but only has a very shallow grasp of what she's doing.

 

I guess it's just like they say in OA - peeling back layers. Constantly.

 

I figured out why I wanted to eat so badly over my feelings on Thursday night. Resentment. And what's freaky is that my sponsor knew I was heading for a cliff at breakneck speed. I almost ate over my feelings tonight -- choosing to stop at Walgreens for a candybar and a diet Pepsi. But when the cashier appeared to have taken some kind of retarded pill before coming to work today, as she was continually waiving a Cadbury egg at the scanner, which refused to scan it, I abandoned the idea. I had decided I wasn't going to get a candy bar...just a diet Pepsi and a notebook, since my notebook is almost done.

 

But then I decided against the whole shebang and went home. I was actually hungry, but I chose to have an apple instead.

 

I'm still so angry at Ex and now my feelings have seesawed back into missing the prick. I guess that's what Sponsor meant last night when she told me that it's ok for me to feel sadness again too...I could give myself permission for my feelings to change on the subject, which is something I'd have beaten myself up over previously.

 

Sometimes I wonder if I didn't like that he cheated because that gave me a neat, clean way to end the relationship that had been sucking the life out of me for a long time. Even without the cheating, the relationship was doomed. He'd given up. So had I. Probably a good thing, since neither of us seemed fit for a relationship after all.

 

Alright, that's enough analysis of the damn wreckage. Bedtime. 'Night.