Movies Just Aren't the Same

I think I may need to take out my paper, "The Truth About Ex" and read it over. I am beginning to miss him.

 

I've been missing him since last night, but it has become particularly hard tonight. I went out to a movie with a friend of mine from OA. She was really nice and all, but no substitute for Ex. When Ex and I went to movies, we were usually of one mind as to whether the movie was any good. I used to enjoy him telling me about whether the uniforms on any military people were done right. We enjoyed the same funny moments, we had the same sense of humor, and we used to talk and laugh all the way back to the car and all the way back to the apartment. If the movie was really good, we'd talk and laugh about it once we got home too. I keep thinking about how Ex would have loved the movie we saw tonight, "V for Vendetta". I keep thinking about how much more satisfying the movie would have been if I could have had a good discussion with Ex afterward about it. He was a good friend, just not a very good boyfriend. 

 

I know I need to put those thoughts out of my head, but don't I also need to experience the grief that they generate? Those tears need to be shed, don't they? Don't I need to be able to recognize what I've lost as well as what I've gained?

 

I keep putting off the minute tonight when I'll be completely unoccupied and trying to lay down and go to sleep. I've felt pretty low today, but that minute, I envision, will be the worst one yet.

 

I keep thinking about the song that I got from my sister's hard drive, "One More Day" by Sinead O'Connor. And "Reason to Live" by Kiss. The basic message: your heart breaks, but life goes on. And finding within yourself the ability to be alone and be ok with that is a key to being prepared for where life takes you, whether you're meant to have another relationship or not. But why does life have to feel so meaningless right now? Where am I going? What am I doing?

 

Life feels pretty empty tonight, but maybe that's because I really need to get to bed and go on to one more day.