Up until now, I've sort of coasted through life. I've had no biological children.
I'm single and free and my only responsibility is myself. I am fairly debt free, though it cost me a bankruptcy to get that way.
Something happened this morning and life may be about to change. I met with the caseworker on Niece's case and she asked me if, should Niece become available for adoption, would I want to adopt her.
My heart leapt in my chest - HELL YES!
But then my brain kicked in and said, "Whoa, there, sparky. Things did not go so well the last time Niece was in your charge. You better think about this one."
I now have 30 days to decide. My sponsor's given me some guidance. She's given me a couple of assignments to write on and those assignments should help me sort things out.
One of things that she asked me is, what would happen if I don't adopt Niece?
Well, Niece, a 5 year old, would stay in the foster care system until she is adopted. She might get shuttled around, she might not. I can't stand the thought that she might get shuffled around, feeling detached and alienated wherever she might go. A foster family might adopt her in order to acquire the monthly stipend that that would bring. Or they might just love her and adopt her.
Niece could also end up being adopted by a loving family. She might be their only child; loved and adored. Or she might have a brother or sister. And a dog. In a cute little house. And everything she could ever want or need.
Or she could be adopted by someone who doesn't really love her but would provide her with all the material things she would need and want.
What would happen if I adopted her?
She would become my daughter, lock stock and barrel. If I adopted her, I would probably not get married again, but would dedicate myself to loving my daughter (God, I get butterflies every time I refer to her that way) and raising her to become an independent, strong individual.
Finally! My own daughter! My own beautiful, smart little girl. My own little family.
I would need to get up earlier every morning. And especially early on client visit days. I would need to help her with her homework, pretty much stay home at night, make sure she's bathed and dressed for school in the morning, teach her her manners, make sure she has the right-sized clothes, provide educational opportunities, take care of her, expose her to stuff she needs to be exposed to. I would have to discipline and parent her. She can be a bit feisty at times.
Basically, I know what it means to parent. I've done that bit before. I think what's more pertinent is am I willing to give up the freedom of taking care of only myself? And I also need to examine what went wrong before. There are some things that I feel guilty about to this day. Most of it centers around Ex but there are things that I did wrong even before he entered the picture. For one thing, I didn't know how to parent. I didn't even really know what I should be doing, aside from keeping her clean, clothed, and fed.
I just need to do some thinking. A lot of thinking.
And with that, I'll leave you all in suspense until tomorrow, when I'll be doing more thinking. : )
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