Mr. Wrong
Mr. Wrong hasn't contacted me or been seen nor heard from since Saturday. This seems positive right?
Yeah. It is. Saves me the choice to disconnect from him totally or not. Which is good, because I still haven't found the willingness to cut him off. Which I confessed to Sponsor last night, who directed me to write about what I get from this connection and what this connection does to me.
Cherry Bites
Cherry bites are going on my abstinence now. Actually…not just cherry bites…licorice, all kinds. I have been eating a lot of cherry bites. Sponsor and I don't want to make a big list of foods that are on my abstinence, but right now, I seem to work better with nice, concrete rules.
Family Irritation...
…which is actually sorrow masquerading as irritation.
I find myself getting angry and irritated with my sister more often. I feel so sad at the prospect of losing her. And angry, I guess, that she hasn't figured things out, that she's not growing fast enough. That I'm being forced to even make this choice. I'm not happy about that. Did I mention that the family group conference is like a black cloud hanging over my head?
How I wish I could just talk to my sister about this. It pains me to know that the times that we get to hang out together may not last for much longer. We may not be able to just drive around and chit chat for much longer…she may soon turn into a human torch of anger and hatred toward me. I thought of that this past Sunday when we were driving hither and yon. I thought of that this weekend when I was in her apartment and she was showing me something and talking to me about the history of something else. Did I mention that my sister is brilliant as far as book knowledge goes? I thought of my impending, possible loss when I was with her this weekend and we were watching "King Arthur". We used to both love reading about Arthurian legend. It was a nice escape from our dreary lives. We also loved trekking to the library together, sniffing the books, and enjoying the air conditioning during the summer. Same reason.
Funny, I haven't thought that closely about that memory for such a long time. I still remember summers walking through Greybar Park in 90+ degree heat, trying to find the shortest route to the library.
If I end up losing my family, it is my sister and dad I will miss. I can't think of any scenario that's presently possible, even on the fringes, in which it would be a gaping wound to no longer have my mom in my life.
Yet, no matter how much I say that, and no matter how much resentment I have toward her, I know that sometimes you just want your mom…when no one else can comfort you from your latest heartbreak or when no one else's words of kindness will do. When you feel embarrassed to be crying and you don't want anyone else to see it but you can do it in front of your mom because you came from her. Simple as that. And my mom still serves those functions, and though she doesn't display as much empathy as I would like to see, she still just gives me the feeling sometimes that I'll always have a home and always have someone to run to. She'll always be ready to fight for me, hoof, tooth, and nail, when someone treats me like cr*p. She'll always be ready to feel anger for people who hurt me; always there with a handy, "That b*st*rd!" when I tell her about what my ex boyfriend did. Always on the verge of tears when she sees me after I'm already crying my eyes out.
Those moments are bittersweet, though, since calling CPS on my sister. Now there's a taint of "Hmm. Look who's crying now?" added. "The great secretary who thought she could run everyone else's lives, who thinks she's so much better than everyone else." I see it in her eyes. She forgets that I'm a person…and for my part, I guess I forget about her humanity too. I find myself constantly trying to say things that disarm her anger for me. Things that show I have a heart and am not just a meglomaniac control freak who runs around trying to hurt people for no other reason than to hurt them because she can.
And I will greatly miss my dad…especially when it comes to taking him out on our little 'dates'. We go to Village Inn together sometimes after our checking accounts have both been saved from eternal flame by the arrival of Payday. Then, afterwards, I try to make up an excuse to go driving around, either downtown, or to the Council Bluffs QT that's famed for its low, low gas prices. Yeah, I know that's doable whether I have Niece or not, but how likely is it?
It's not just sorrow. It's fear…probably a mix of both fear and sorrow. I guess this is why I've been told so many times that I think too much.
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