Ah how our past comes back to haunt us.
We're going to call Niece's counselor Bird, for reasons that I won't mention here. She is very thin, so her fingers look a little like talons, but there's another reason too. : )
No, she doesn't have a beak.
I had left a message for Bird on Monday, hoping to garner her advice on what I should do if Niece came up for adoption. I almost used the word sale. Crazy crazy.
She finally called me back today. The wait told me what I needed to know about her opinion. It's not favorable toward me adopting Niece.
So we're on the phone, and she hones right in on the question of the day, the question I've been asking myself since this whole adoption question started.
I gave Niece up once when it got too hard; when Ex was haranguing me to do so and I got tired of listening to it. Am I going to have the stamina to stand by Niece no matter what, this time? Am I going to be committed to her 100%? What would be different? She mentioned commitment and what Niece needs, but she didn't ask me these questions directly. I know what she's wondering…what would make this time different than the last time? I wonder that myself.
I consider my having given up Niece to be a failure, one that I have tried and tried to come to terms with, but I have had no success. The guilt still plagues me; that I, if you simplify that decision to its most basic components, gave her up for a MAN. I didn't want to give her up, no matter how much I was drowning. I listened to his arguments about how much better life would be, about how much easier it would be. He was right that my fostering Niece was having the effect of coddling my sister and providing the State with a scapegoat who was willing to lay down her life and future for them indefinitely, while asking virtually nothing in return.
But he also subtly told me that it was between Niece or him. I stupidly chose him. Like the desperate fool that I was.
Considering what I just said, it seems that giving her up was bad. However, I still have trouble identifying whether giving her up was a good decision or bad one. I struggle with it every day.
My decision to give her up had some long-haul benefits to it, for Niece. On one hand, the workers on the case were not listening to me. They were dismissing my concerns as though I were just a family member with an ax to grind. Once a regular foster parent got involved and started documenting, things started becoming clearer to them. My giving her up also signalled to my sister that I would not save her anymore…that she would have to do it. Ex tried to get me to realize that also…that my family was using me.
Yet, what did giving Niece up do to Niece? Did it tell her that I didn't love her? Was this even about me? Yes, and no, I guess. Where did my interests end and hers begin?
You know what I feel most guilty about? Letting Ex into Niece's life. He did some good things, but I also feel that he did some things that weren't all good. I felt like he expected perfection out of her…a 4 year old. I felt that his expectations of her were not in sync with her capabilities.
Bird spoke of Niece needing someone who has no doubts about whether they're in this for the long haul. If I adopted Niece, I would be committed to it. That'd be it. When the caseworker posed the question about me adopting Niece, I immediately wanted to do it; that was my knee-jerk. But then as I thought about it, I had doubts about my ability to do it and not fail. That's my biggest fear; failing. Failing Niece and failing myself.
What would I consider failure? I would consider failure to be depression that results in neglect of Niece; including losing my job because I can't show up on time to save my life or even show up every day.
Would Niece and I have life goals that match? Well, honestly, yes. I'm fine with being her mom and not marrying or pursuing that until Niece was older. After all, my ultimate goal in being married would be to have a family. My 3 biggest goals in life have always been education, home ownership, marriage + family. And, no, the 3 is not a typo. I consider marriage and family to be a goal that is one and the same. I'm not going to marry someone who doesn't want children.
An education is something that a single parent can get, though it might take longer. I can't really say that I'd take any shorter of a time to get an education as a single person than I would as a single parent. I still wouldn't want getting my education to overwhelm my life. I'd still want to take my time.
My educational goals are mainly connected with increasing my earning capacity and my ability to get a job that would actually be challenging to me. But I have never been a career person. I work to live, not the other way around.
As for home ownership, that's doable as a single parent. And in probably about the same timeline as I would have done it as a single person.
So my goals and Niece's do align. I would need to take care of myself whether I was parenting Niece or not.
My sponsor and I have talked about this a lot and she pointed out to me that when I had Niece the last time, it was just me and her against the world. She was right. We had great moments, but we also had some that were terrible. I had little to no support. What support I did have was compromised because it was Sister's friends.
Through OA, I have made friends who are good quality people. I would have my OA friends to lean on.
I think I'd be able to follow through if I adopted Niece. I have so little confidence in myself sometimes, that I feel afraid to say anything definitive about anything.
Well, Bird is going to call me tonight and we're going to talk about it. She wants me to examine this problem and whatnot…same advice as my sponsor gave me.
I think one thing that has to be said is that you can't plan life on a maybe, and that's what everyone was asking me to do with my life…plan it on a maybe. With Niece as my legal daughter, not just my foster child, there'd be no maybe. It would be the way it is and that'd be it. We'd be together with no interference from my family. I could plan on that. I couldn't plan and sacrifice my life before as though Niece was going to be with me forever; there was no guarantee, in fact it looked like the exact opposite of that is what was guaranteed. When Niece was my foster child, it was a sacrifice I was making, a favor that I was doing someone. It was cleaning up after my family's mess. It wasn't any investment in my future, and as for an investment in Niece's future, I felt confident that Sister was going to screw up whatever I achieved with Niece. I didn't feel like I was doing Niece any good if I couldn't protect her from the bleak future she'd face if she were given back to my sister.
Ugh. This is so hard. It's even harder when the trained counsellor seems to have no faith in me.
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