I saw Sister and Niece last night. I was over there to help Sister prepare for her HUD inspection today. I wonder how it's going to go. I thought it was encouraging that she confided to me that she has a hard time throwing things away.
This is such a sad situation and I almost cried last night over it. My sister makes about $605 per month in SSI money. Of that, she spends $78 on rent, and about $120 and some change on cable/internet. Then there are her other bills - groceries, telephone, electricity, not sure if she pays for gas, car insurance (which she should have but does not), etc. It's May 4th and my sister now has $10 to live on for the rest of the month. She told me that the reason why she's lost a bunch of weight lately is because she couldn't afford to buy food toward the end of the month. I have a feeling that she didn't really feel like eating anyway. Because if she was really starving, she'd have found a way to get some food. And now she's told me that she doesn't have the money for Depakote, which is the medicine that makes her seem like she's not an adult. I wish she'd never refill that prescription.
And what's worse is that I love my sister so much, but I cannot offer to help her.
If I offered to help her, that would be enabling her. She must feel the full brunt of her actions before she can decide to change. But God, I just hate to see her live like that. What I really wish is that I could take her in and show her how to live like an adult. Show her that she doesn't need some of this stuff, that life can be simple. But I can't do that. For one, I'm not capable of doing it, and two, it wouldn't really help her. She has to realize things on her own in order for her to truly internalize the information.
And I could see last night that Niece is going to miss her mommy. She knows her. She may not necessarily want to live with her, but she knows her mommy and loves her. There's nothing wrong with that. But it seems to me that it's going to be difficult for me to bar her from seeing her mommy should I adopt Niece. I wonder if that would be the right thing to do. Niece's therapist hasn't called me back yet. This is not a good sign. Perhaps she doesn't feel I should adopt Niece? I don't know.
The idea of divorcing my family completely should I adopt Niece seemed much easier than it will be in practice. I can see that now. I do love my sister and I enjoy knowing that I have a familial connection to someone. Even though she forwarded instant message conversations which included heavy usage of cusswords to her caseworker in an attempt to discredit and besmirch me. I have a feeling that she'd feel just as betrayed at my secret meetings with her caseworker and also with Niece's therapist. The motivations for those meetings are less nefarious than I would consider her past motivations to be, but then she probably feels the same about her actions v mine. Hence, it really all comes out in the wash.
The whole thing is just going to be one big vortex of sadness.
And now we come to…
…Mr. Wrong
Yeah, I'm still hanging out with him at night. But I'm not planning things around him or that sort of thing. Hmm…this sounds like the beginning of an addiction. "Yeah, I'm drinking, but only at night. I don't drink at all in the mornings!"
I keep praying for the willingness to let that connection go.
Anyway, we were playing yahtzee last night and some weird watcher kept coming into the room and watching us. And he was quite distracted. All the time. He keeps trying to call me by those intimate monikers -- honey and dear and sweetie and stuff, but I don't return the favor. I think that irks him, judging by his reactions. That watcher last night finally left, but not before uttering a cryptic, "Quite the player." It's not hard to figure out what she meant. He steadfastly insisted he didn't know the person. Somehow he thinks it matters a lot to me.
Although it's entertaining and provides information, it doesn't matter to me because I don't have a claim on him and I don't want one. Nor does he have any claim on me.
To be rigorously honest, I have to confess that I still harbor feelings of wanting to meet him, if only to verify that his persona exists and that he is real. It feels odd to have a connection with someone that you can't let go of and you've never met the person. But I must also acknowledge that this would-be meeting never will be. It's not meant to be, and is it something I'd really want? Not in my heart of hearts, as VC Andrews would put it.
No, deep down, I don't want to meet him. That would end the fantasy. However, lol, an end to such a fantasy would probably be a blessing.
I guess that, even if I don't have the willingness right now to get rid of him permanently, I can take comfort in the fact that I'm not turning this into my higher power, the driver of my life. But how can I say that giving that sort of power to this thing is not in the offing? I can't.
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