The Primary Purpose

I went to a meeting tonight. No one laughed when I shared about the depression that I think was induced by the rum-soaked weekend I had.

 

Honestly, though, we're not really talking about being SOAKED in rum, are we? I mean...come on, we're talking about 1 pina colada and 2 mudslides. Yeah yeah, I know that's a lot for me. Truth is, I was trying to numb out, using a substance that's even worse than food in some respects...alcohol.

 

Wow, the sunset tonight is beautiful. The shades of blue that I'm seeing in the sky right now are just so awe inspiring.

 

I guess I'm back.

 

3 or 4 days without Mr. Wrong around to mess with me and I'm back.

 

To mess with me? Hmm...that's some good victimology, isn't it? Who initiated the contact? Not him. I did. Yup. Me.

 

Moving along...tonight at meeting, the topic was the 5th tradition, which talks about the primary purpose of each group being to help the still suffering compulsive overeater. The speaker tonight was awesome...yet completely approachable, as most OA speakers are. They're not demigods.

 

So then she spoke about applying that to our own lives. And that brought about the question....what is my primary purpose in each of my relationships, which is very timely for me. It's very timely for me because this is a good question to use to analyze my motivations and whatnot for each of my relationships.

 

And I felt hope tonight for the first time in a while...not a while as in a month, but a while as in close to a week. I have felt depressed and couldn't identify why...well the answer came to me today. And it's so simple.

 

It is that my life is about to change. For the better and for the worse. It will all equal out in the end, but right now it's hard to wait for May 31.

 

I don't know why I dismissed the idea of being sad at the prospective change in all these relationships. Why would I think this would affect me differently than it would most other people? Most people would be sad at the thought of losing their family or indirectly hurting their family...being any part of any hurt inflicted on the people whom they love. And who, in their way, love them.

 

Yet I thought I didn't really care about possibly losing my family over this mess. Of course I care...I'm human. Whether or not these people have done wrong to me or I to them, we're still going to be family. The future doesn't change our past. My history of them remains the same...the bad AND the good. And I'm just now starting to remember the good stuff.

 

I really wanted to go and get some cookies tonight when I was on my way home. I elected not to, but I'm going to be jonesing for them for a while tonight, I can tell. I'm still wanting them, thinking about dunking them in the milk and just numbing out. I want to call my sponsor, but at the same time, I don't want to, and the reason is that if I do, I'm going to have to commit to her that I won't do that. I don't want to commit to that.

 

So I'm in the disease right now, which explains the problem with my work performance. When we are not abstinent, food is our god. Food has no feelings toward you one way or the other. It's not gentle or kind of encouraging. It's just food. When you give yourself to an inanimate object, what you are really giving yourself to is the darker side of your nature. It is just embodied in that substance.

 

Why can't I just cry instead of eat?