I Gave My Life and Will to the Care of God Today

And that's some scary shit.

 

Hmm...funny how it sounds bad to use the word shit in a post with the title that this one has.

 

Oh well, God will forgive me.

 

So I guess this means I gotta start listening to that nagging little voice in my head that tells me that

Mr. Wrong is bad news (check),

so is ice cream (check check), and

so is calling my mother a moron (checkity check check).

 

I guess now I have to grow up, and that mean balancing my checkbook, paying bills, delayed gratification (WTF is that about? Oh, maturity, did you say? Ugh...).

 

I guess now that means that I have to stop procrastinating about everything at work...everything from expenses (which I missed the deadline one) to making airline reservations, to working on that list of conference rooms. I've totally turned into an administrative assistant snob. Maybe I'm taking my angst about life in general out on my job? Maybe I'm being pissy at my employer because I'm sick of being stuck, as if that were my employer's fault in the least. Please.

 

I don't have to do these things just because they're the right thing to do.

 

I have to do them because my intuition, which I have read is God's direct line into our lives, tells me that these are the correct actions to take. And since my way's obviously not working in the least, then I obviously don't know what the hell I'm doing. But I'm pretty sure that the God of my understanding knows what he's doing.

 

Tonight was an awesome meeting. Not only did I make a huge decision. But a dear friend of mine, who doesn't know how dear she is to me, because I am so awed by her, was the speaker tonight. Every time I listen to her, I find a new perspective. She shared tonight about finding her higher power and starting a relationship with that higher power. She shared tonight about walking down a hall in her grandmother's house, walking through a pool of sunlight in that hallway, and feeling God for the first time.

 

That's what struck me. I have felt that. I have been there. I don't remember the last time that that happened, but I too have stood or basked in a pool of sunlight, had that feeling of contentedness, warmth, and happiness bubbling up inside of me, and known that, in that moment, I was feeling God. And it felt so wonderful that it buoyed me through the rest of the day.

 

Tonight I felt God once again, just remembering that. And I felt God when I was talking to a newcomer at a coffee shop, sharing my experience with her, and seeing that she could relate and that she was relieved that she wasn't the only one who felt that way. She asked me to be her sponsor, but I had to decline because A)I'm not ready, and B) I don't have 60 days of abstinence yet. It's chiefly because I'm not ready, though. Even if I had 60 days of abstinence. It was awesome to see the tears in her eyes...not sadness, but relief at knowing she's not alone and that she can let some of her guilt about things go.

 

In other news...

 

I'm now a Pill-taking woman. That's a big deal to me; I hate chemical birth control. But if it'll help my PCOS, then I'm going for it. Plus that whole thing about more regular, less severe periods? Sounds good to me, honey. Doc said it would also help my skin. Lord knows it needs it. Funny how I was completely unwilling to go on the Pill to appease my ex boyfriend. Guess that the Pill, for me, would have contributed to a feeling of being used? And would have irritated me knowing that the onus for birth control was on me when it should be a joint responsibility. Yeah. I know. This shit sounds a little outta whack. Well, consider where I was. Moving along....

 

...posting from home is so much more fun. I can cuss without asterisks. :)

 

ZoomZoom Postponed

 

My computer's delivery date is postponed to Thursday. How will I make it through another day with this dinosaur? Somehow, I think I'll survive. But man, that frickin sucks ass.

 

Meanwhile, Dad wants to buy my laptop. Mom is not pleased, to say the least. She is vehemently against it. I'm not sure if I should sell it to him or not. Last time I tried to teach him about computers, he was way more mentally capable. I don't want to waste his money, yet he seems determined, if only to piss off my mother. Is it my business to worry about his motives? Yet I need to keep a clear conscience, right? Surely Sponsor will have some insight on this little issue.

 

You know, my dad learning how to operate a computer might be good for him. Could keep him a little sharper and in touch. But then I'd worry about all those assholes online who might try to part him from his money. LOL as though there's any money to take...but you never know.

 

New EA Started Today

 

Temp is almost done. Her last day is this Friday. The new EA started today. I'm not sure what her nick will be. But she wasn't hired because she's hot. She was hired because she fits in, that much is certain. She may be petite, but what they've probably noticed more about her than that is that she doesn't miss a thing and is very professional in her demeanor and dress. She seems like one of those people who could fit in absolutely anywhere. Her air is one of someone who absolutely has it together at all times. Temp is convinced that she was hired because she's cute and petite. She's not that cute, but she is petite. However, Temp's conviction is wrong, and I'm prepared to give this one a chance, as I do all the people they hire. I can tell this one oughta fit in like one of them round pegs, as Forrest, my ex husband's hero, would say. : )

 

And now I feel called to take care of myself by taking my medication (no, not for my mental state), washing my face, and going to bed at a decent hour. Perhaps with a book until I fall asleep.