Decision: Day 2

Well, it's day two of making the decision whether to turn into a mother or not.

When I'm in one world, I think one thing. When I'm in another world, I think another thing.

For example, when I talk to some of my friends who knew me while I had Niece, those friends are all very pro-adoption.

But when I talk to people at work, who see how smart I am and see what I could do if I could get my college education, they are anti-adoption. Well, their position is actually softer than that. Their position is more like, "Well, it's up to you, but perhaps you should think about which way you'd be a better influence on her. By being all you can be (ie college educated) or by being her mom (ie stressed and not fulfilling my own aspirations)?"

And, in that vein, would I be adopting her out of fear that no one will because she's too old? Would I be adopting her out of fear for her future? Or would I be adopting her because that really is the natural, right thing for me to do? Today I feel like a pro-adoption decision would be fear-motivated. And why is it that being unexpectedly pregnant and single seems less scary than adopting Niece? I mean, I already have an awesome bond with Niece. I know what I'm getting with Niece…a child who's reached the age of reason,

Whenever I think of the bond I have with Niece, I feel warm and fuzzy and it makes me think of all the good reasons to adopt Niece. Whenever I think of Niece telling me that she wants to live with me, my heart warms up and I'm like, YES! Please live with me and we will be a family! It's almost like the choice between are you going to get married and forego a career and do that or are you going to forge ahead and put off marriage and children?

But, now, today, as I think of what I'm going to be doing in the next 2 years or so, I think…well, how in God's name would I go to college? I have got to get some kind of degree or take some kind of risk, because my 'career' is stagnating. I am bored out of my gourd (check it out..I'm so poetic!).

What's ironic about this is that I have never thought there would even be a choice. I have always thought it would be an automatic, yes! This is what I'm going to do. A child in need versus a career and college? Is that even a choice? Do I even need to think about it? Should be automatic, right?

But, to be honest, that thinking has kind of gotten me into trouble in the past. These knee-jerk reactions, which I can now recognize have really been callings to try and fix my family vicariously, have not always been what's really good for me.

I just don't know what to do, frankly. Today I lean toward no. I lean toward continued independence, living only for myself, for today. Working on my recovery, working on my own life and my own problems. Tomorrow that could change. I have 29 days to decide.