So last night was our weekly sojourn to Boyfriend's parents house while he has his visit with his daughter. He picks me up from work and then we head straight over there to spend an evening watching his grandma and his mom endlessly worship Toddler. There's a word for this and I think it's OVERCOMPENSATION.
I'm kept around too...never know when someone will be needed to change a dirty diaper or go chase the kid away from the bottom of the steps. Boyfriend is exhausted, so he typically is asleep on the couch while everyone's pandering to the toddler. This is fine; I mean, at this point, the guy hasn't slept in over 24 hours, so what else is he supposed to do?
I often find myself sitting there wondering how many times everyone is going to remark about, "Awwww...she's trying to wake her daddy up..." Is silence really so uncomfortable that it must be filled at every opportunity with repetitions of the same drivel, over and and over again about every bloody thing Toddler does? Every 5 minutes while the baby is wandering the room or has found something interesting to do or look at, someone must call her back over to the adults so they can drool over her.
What I don't understand is why we must spend every Monday evening over at his parents' house. I love his parents. I'm still trying to figure out how to relate to his mom, but I'm very comfortable with his dad. How am I supposed to bond with this child as Boyfriend would like while everyone else is taking care of her? And I am not going to try and assert myself in front of his mom. Nooooooo way. Who am I to them anyway? I'm a girlfriend whom he probably will marry, but there's many a tip between the cup and the lip, in their estimation. After all, to them, how many girlfriends has Boyfriend been in love with and wanted to marry? While my place in his life is not entirely secured, I do not wish to presume.
It constantly amazes and frustrates me that Boyfriend expects me to bond with Toddler with about 2 hours of time available to me every week. And my two hours is shared with everyone else under the sun. It just burns me to watch a roomful of adults pandering to a toddler. It ought to be fun to watch her turn into a holy terror later in life. Good luck disciplining that.
Why aren't we at home on Monday nights, trying to create a normal family life where we make dinner, Toddler plays with her toys and with us at times, and then we put the baby to bed and whatnot, together, as a set of parents? Oh wait, I've got the answer to this one.
Because we're not a family. Boyfriend likes to pretend we are and that I'm his 'wife' or whatever, but can we just have a little honesty here? The facts are these:
1. Toddler is the daughter of Boyfriend and someone else.
2. Boyfriend lives with me but we are not married.
3. We are not 'officially' engaged...ie we are, but it is not announced to everyone else and there's no ring, cheap but meaningful, or otherwise, on any of my fingers.
4. There are no wedding plans in the works either.
So who am I to these people? I'm just a girlfriend. I might be around for the long haul, or I might not be.
And we mustn't forget that Boyfriend gets a lot of attention, acceptance, and pride from his family through his progeny and her adorable antics.
It's possible that I am very negative right now because I don't have food to cushion my reactions to everything, but my gut is telling me that, although my reaction may be a little strong, there is truth to this. I feel this way pretty often but I make myelf tolerate it and ignore it so I can keep the peace, because Boyfriend certainly doesn't want to hear it and certainly doesn't attempt to understand it.
Anyone reading this might think that I hate this child or hate Boyfriend's family. Nothing could be further from the truth. I am having a hard time finding my place. And I am jealous of the fact that I am supposed to have this role of 'step mother' to this child but instead, Boyfriend's mom has this role. I feel that I haven't had the opportunity to step into this role because anytime I see the baby, Boyfriend's mom is playing it. To interrupt her in this, to dare to assert myself in any way is, for lack of a better word, to court family political suicide. IE it's courting dislike by my prospective in-laws and I know that it's very important to Boyfriend that I get along with his family.
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