Me and Kids

This should probably be called

 

me and my yearning for kids

 

and my tendencies to emotionally adopt any that come near me that don't act like jerky kids.

 

I keep rereading my post about what's eating me where I talked about how jealous I am of Boyfriend's mom robbing me of my stepmom role. You know where that jealousy comes from? It comes from a yearning to be a mother.

 

I want my role. I want to be the one getting close enough to the baby to slobber over her smallest achievements. I want to be close enough to be so excited about buying her new clothes, to get excited about decorating her room, to sew little dresses for her and take joy in her wearing them until they're threadbare. I want to be close enough to her to take some ownership of how she is taken care of, to really fall in love with her.

 

And I think, most of all, that I would like for her to stop pushing me away. I would like to cease being the last person on her wishlist when she wants someone to hold her. I would like people to stop making fun of me when she does this. I don't know why it hurts me so much, maybe I feel deprived of being a mom since Niece has left, I'm not sure.

 

I want to share this with Boyfriend, I want to experience it and enjoy it with him. That may be selfish of me. After all, he is her daddy and he only gets to see her for about 36 hours every week. With so little time that he even gets with his daughter, how can I possibly insist on staking a claim on that time with her? His relationship is the primary one that must absorb most of the time.

 

At the same time, it's unreasonable to expect me to form a strong emotional tie to the baby without being her caregiver at least some of the time. I don't really get to play with her or anything; there are so many other adults vying for her attention.

 

It's just a mess. I should trust my HP to sort it out for me but I can't yet. I don't want to go on having these feelings, which will eventually alienate people that I don't wish to alienate. Can you imagine how you'd feel if your girlfriend seemed to be rejecting your infant daughter?