A Blithering Idiot

Mr. High Maintenance is having me do his travel. He is one of those people who has it very together, as far as I can tell. Why do I always feel so intimidated by people like him? I end up turning into a blithering idiot, constantly laughing at myself in the most inane manner possible, falling all over myself, making excuses for why I am so inadequate.

 

I know why I do this. Because I feel like a fish out of water, as though I do not belong at this company or in this job. For Heaven's sake, there are people wandering around up here who make $500,000.00 a year, who head a company with 28,000 employees! What the heck am I doing here??

 

And I can feel the honesty radiating from this person, who is a recovering alcoholic with years and years of sobriety. My sponsor is like that. You can feel the honesty radiating off of her. And when you feel like you are a liar and your life is a lie (because you don't deserve the good stuff in your life) and you're faking it in order to get through your day, well, people who radiate honesty are intimidating. You feel like they're looking right through you and seeing all your faults, everything. I totally lose my confidence and start acting like an idiot.

 

And since joing OA again, I can identify these actions. I know I'm doing it, but I just can't seem to stop it. I used to just gloss over these actions and the reasons for them, but now I feel like I can't really gloss over anything. I can't bring myself to just ignore things.

 

I guess that might explain my racing thoughts at bedtime the other night.

 

You know what else drives me nuts? I'm always trying to show my sponsor and people like that how mature I am. God I feel like some kind of 12 year old admitting this. Why would an adult act this way? Wait, I know the answer to this one. It's because they're insane.

 

Not as in raving lunatic insane. When I say insane, I mean: 

- will eat 2 pints of Ben n Jerry's without batting an eye,

- will consumer 3000 calories from the Taco Bell drive through,

- will take 2 hours to eat in order to stuff all this food into her 1/2 cup sized stomach,

- basically will commit as much time as is necessary to eat this food.

- But won't commit as much time as is necessary to bathing in the morning. Won't commit as much time as she needs to taking care of herself.

 

And right now, I can't even envision this changing. I can't envision ever being at the same level as these people that I want to emulate. I want to be like Mr. High Maintenance; quietly confident, reassuring to people, seemingly happy and content with his life because he's simplified his life by living it honestly and with integrity. But I don't believe that I have the ability to get that, and I don't believe that I deserve it.

 

I hope my work in OA can help me figure this out. Cause I'm pretty sure that this isn't what God wants for me.