but it is.
Did I mention I've started going to Overeaters Anonymous? Boyfriend and I jokingly refer to it as my 'Fat Club'. I think we should probably stop saying that.
Because it's a serious, serious problem for me.
I can't remember if I have said this here, but you know how some people smoke crack or use cocaine or get drunk or whatever in order to numb out, to get high, to avoid their feelings, whatever? Some other people use food to get the same effect. It's legal and far more available, even if the attendant problems are lethal (eventually).
I'm one of those people that uses food the same way one would use a narcotic substance.
Having recognized this problem, I have started going to OA. In OA, I have started to recognize some things and have found some friends. This has resulted in an exhilaratingly good feeling until this weekend. Boyfriend at first appeared to be supportive but I sense that his support is eroding. Maybe it's eroding because OA takes up some of my time, maybe it's because he doesn't believe this is a disease, I don't know. But I do know that whenever I talk about recent conversations with my sponsor, something new I've discovered, or anything having to do with OA, he is dismissive at best. This is signified by the following:
a. a groan b. 'oh Jesus' c. eye rolling d. a change in body language signifying the same as any of the above.
I have observed the same attitude in him that I would probably see in anyone else. He seemed to understand at first. His impatience with this shows. He professes to understand that I can't 'just stop eating' like a normal person. But then when I talk about my progress, good things that are happening, I get this attitude from him that seems to say, "You are creating your own reality again. You are making excuses. Just stop eating. Just tell yourself that you're normal and you will be."
It's sad, to me. I had hoped I could share this with him and he would be happy for me and proud that I am doing something about this. He seemed to understand. But I see now that he doesn't, truly. But then again, as he has pointed out to me before, would I understand an alcoholic? Did I show understanding with my father? Would I tell a cancer patient to just stop the tumors from growing?
So then why is he telling me, "You're making yourself 'not normal' by thinking that way. Just tell yourself that you're normal and you will be,"?
But who am I doing this for? Him or me? Well, I'm doing it for me. I had just hoped that he would be supportive, not dismissive and borderline disrespectful about it. Since I have been going to OA, I have sensed that emotional aloofness returning. My sponsor said that my gut feelings are my higher power. They are God nudging me in this direction or that. So I am going to trust my gut. Something is making him pull away from me, and I don't know what it is.
Perhaps it is that I sometimes still give in to my disease. And he knows it. He knows when I am 'using'. He probably knew it when I had too much mac n cheese last night. He probably knew it was part of my disease when I purchased two new CDs that I could not afford while at Wal-Mart getting groceries. He knew that spending the money was a way of 'using'. And now I know it too.
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