Should New Orleans Be Rebuilt?

This is a question?

 

Surely you jest.

 

Of course it should.

 

Ok, yes, building a bowl-shaped city that's surrounded on 3 sides by water was dumb. Yes. But it's too late now -- the place is there and it's historical, and you can't just not rebuild.

 

I think there are definitely questions as to whether they should rebuild in the places that got the worst of the flooding...the places that are even more than 6 feet below sea level. But for the most part, that city should be rebuilt.

 

Now, if and when they do rebuild, they need to make sure they learn from this. They must upgrade their levees to category 5 strength, stop developing and start restoring their wetlands. They need a better plan for how they're going to deal with this level of strength of hurricanes. Because with global warming an actual, factual thing that's happening, you know these storms are going to get worse, not better.

 

The people who run these things can fix this, I'm sure. Their mayor seems to be a go-getter.

 

Did you notice that there is definitely a South v North thing developing? One of the chicks on my pro-life list ranted about Yankees and stuff on Thursday or Wednesday. And now you hear comments here and there about "Who's talking about not rebuilding our city? Some dumbass in Minnesota???" Stuff like that. And if you see a few quotes about it in the media, you know that that is just a teensy, tiny sampling...there have to be a few thousand available quotes and those 2 or 3 are just the ones that made it. It's just a symptom, and now we're going to see a whole new level of feeling about the North v the South.

 

But I think the South never really got over the Civil War. Because for this to rear its ugly head now, it had to have been a festering wound...they've felt neglected and ignored by the rest of America long before this happened...

We Can All Rest Easy; Mike Brown's Been Fired

Good thing. That dude waited 2 whole days after the bowl-shaped city of New Orleans began filling with Lake Pontchartrain's waters. Dumbass.

 

Laura Bush came out today and said that Kanye West's claim that Bush doesn't care about black people is disgusting. She's right. I know I said that I was proud of West for saying what he thought, but I didn't say I agreed with everything that came out of his mouth. Did I mention that I like Laura Bush too? :)

 

I used to think that living in Omaha was like the end of the world. Now I'm glad I live here...tornadoes are nothing compared to earthquakes and hurricanes. I'll take my tornadoes. I guess the Midwest is just plain. Plain landscape, plain weather. But I think I like plain weather a lot more than 'interesting' weather.

 

Well I got a nice little letter from the IRS stating that they intend to 'levy' on certain assets. What assets? I don't own a house or anything. The biggest thing I own is my car lol. Well, anyway, I am calling them right now...I'm on hold and have been for about 17 minutes and 47 seconds. I wish I had speaker phone on my cell phone, dangit. Oh check it out...some chick named Mrs. Jefferson is now speaking with me. Let's see what kind of payment plan I can get. :)

 

I think I'm going to have to go to the doctor to verify that what I have is allergies.

 

Oh and speaking of doctors, I screwed up Phrecklette's psych eval, part 2. The appt was yesterday. Weird, they didn't call me...not like that's their job though.

 

Well, on with the day today :) Bye :)

I have the day off tomorrow...

And I get to have it for free...I don't have to use vacation time because they're giving me a day off for staying back yesterday. Awesome.

Anyway, so my usual weekend silence will start on Friday instead of Saturday. :) Not that anyone reads this blog anyway lol.

I Think That My Depression Might be Cycling

Because right now I think I am in the bottom of a depression, while last week I was manic.

Last week I was all happy and smiling and stuff…this week, no.

But that might also have to do with the fact that I've been sick for a week now with this dang cold or whatever it is. Last week I was relieved and proud that I had crawled out from under the collapse of the financial house of cards' ruin. Now the relief is over and it's back to normal life again. And I'm sick on top of it.

I'm almost well, but the cough is still there. I keep coughing up mucous. Yuck with a capital Y.

Wow, I am Pretty Ashamed at Our Government

I don't know if that timeline is a propaganda piece, but it sure looks factual. And after having read it, I'm a little ashamed at how this has been handled. FEMA really DID screw up, although I hadn't wanted to believe it. But after reading this, there's no doubt that they did, and that they caused thousands more people to die than should have.

Katrina Timeline

Wow, this sort of makes you think…and makes you question everything, including the President's response to the hurricane.

http://thinkprogress.org/katrina-timeline/

Welcome to Thursday

One more day, just one more day. :)

Well, my sister's caseworker emailed yesterday and she's going to go to the family therapy session on Monday. Then she'll do a walk through of my sister's place and transition shall begin. I'm not looking forward to that.

Phrecklette saw her mom yesterday and let's just say that her behavior showed it. Man she is such a screamer. And when BF is the one doing timeout or whatever, she will try to come and get me and she will hold her arms out to me and stuff. It's pretty freaky to see.

And believe me, timeout is no big deal. All she does is go in her room and stand in the corner for 4 minutes. That's all. But getting her into the corner? Hell, getting her into her room? Holy Lord. She will fight and scream and the worst part is she always scream OWIE!!!! As though someone is hurting her physically, which you can be sure NO ONE is doing that. Anyone listening would be sure that we're beating the living daylights out of her when in fact no one is even touching her! Sometimes it's a little scary. Sometimes I think the police are going to show up at my door. I guess that's one thing that I won't miss about Phrecklette. But everything else…I will be crying over.

Oh.My.God.

These people have a free pass to go home for the day after their little golfing exercise today and they are choosing to come back to the office?????

What????

Good Lord.

Ok.

I have an idea.

Can one of THEM take the Geico and People calls?

No? Oh well.

So much work, So much time, So much anger...

Today is the sales and marketing golf outing. I got to go last year and
Twiggy gets to go this year (actually, she's not really twiggy, she's
more like a J. Lo).

Really, that's no big deal. I detest golfing and didn't have a very
good time last year. In fact, I got the usual skin affliction -- a
loverly sunburn. I found a way to sneak off and go home early last
year, in fact, because I was so bored.

So this year it's my turn to stay back because the head of our
department, whom I cannot call by his pet name in work email, has
decided that at least 1 person from our department MUST stay back to
answer phones. Yes, I'm sure the Geico and People Magazine callers very
much appreciate that and would thank you from the bottom of the cockles
of their little hearts if they only knew how you were pulling for them,
you short meglomaniac. Oh dear, that's a slip.

Anyhoo, it's just a little galling when the smug and short-yet-wide
executive assistant comes up to you and tells you that, oh lucky you!
you're going to have assignments to keep your little self busy while
they're all out getting snockerd on the golf course. Yippy skippy!!!
And it's even more galling when the workaholics start returning to the
office and asking you to do their stupid little tasks. Even though you
are supposed to be chained to the phones. Add more gall when you
realize that you really do have work to do!!! Dangit!!!

It sure does suck when your job becomes more and more meaningless by
the day, but you can't imagine leaving it because you love those
workaholics, you love working for a supervisor that actually
appreciates that value of treating people with dignity, even if she
does report to the height-challenged meglomaniac, and you actually like
your job. You like the job, it's just that it's become about as
challenging as sleeping. You can't even fathom people who throw their
whole selves into whatever they do to earn their paychecks. I mean, you
still take a certain pride in your work, but you definitely aren't as
dedicated as Adminzilla, who's still infected with those perfectionist
germs. You used to be quite the little innovator, but then you were
here so long that you ran out of things to innovate.

And subconsciously, you probably email these subversive blog posts from
work email because you want to get fired. Actually, I just realized
just how subversive this little email is, so I switched over to my
webmail service, not like that's any real improvement when it comes to
privacy, but what the heck. Might as well make an attempt.

More on Kanye West and People Who Speak Their Minds

I love people like Kanye West.

I love it that he spoke his mind without apology! And honestly, don't you think that he just said what most people were thinking? That's no crime. At least he didn't cuss.

What Kanye West ACTUALLY Said...the Full Monty

Kanye: [abandons teleprompter] "I hate the way they portray us in the media. You see a black family and they say we are looting, you see a white family and they say they are looking for food. And, you know, its been five days because most of the people ARE black. And even for me to complain, I would be a hypocrite because I would turn away from the TV because it's too hard to watch. I've even been shopping before even giving a donation, so now I'm calling my business manager right to see what is the biggest amount I can give. And just to imagine, if I was down there and those are my people down there. If there is anybody out there that wants to do anything that we can help about the way America is set up the help the poor, the black people, the less well off as slow as possible. Red cross is doing as much as they can. We already realize a lot of the people that could help are at war right now, fighting another way. And now they've given them permission to go down and shoot us.

WHOA.

FW: An Unnatural Disaster: A Hurricane Exposes the Man-Made Disaster of the Welfare State

I received this from an old friend of my dad's...it has a ring of truth to it, but I don't think people should get the idea that people on welfare have no morals. I think the part that stands out is probably the part about how they unleashed a pack of wolves...the prisoners from Louisiana prisons...on normal, decent people. But this definitely touches on what I had already said about the mentality of poverty, about how you feel that you are not in control of your own life, etc.

Hmmm...and I came up with that WITHOUT a college degree of any kind...just my high school education...hmmmmmmmm...me the non-travelled midwesterner. : )

Go figure.

---

From:
Sent: Tuesday, September 06, 2005 4:27 PM
To:
Subject: New Orleans

An Unnatural Disaster: A Hurricane Exposes the Man-Made Disaster of the Welfare State by Robert Tracinski Sep 02, 2005 by Robert Tracinski It has taken four long days for state and federal officials to figure out how to deal with the disaster in New Orleans. I can't blame them, because it has also taken me four long days to figure out what is going on there. The reason is that the events there make no sense if you think that we are confronting a natural disaster. If this is just a natural disaster, the response for public officials is obvious: you bring in food, water, and doctors; you send transportation to evacuate refugees to temporary shelters; you send engineers to stop the flooding and rebuild the city's infrastructure. For journalists, natural disasters also have a familiar pattern: the heroism of ordinary people pulling together to survive; the hard work and dedication of doctors, nurses, and rescue workers; the steps being taken to clean up and rebuild. Public officials did not expect that the first thing they would have to do is to send thousands of armed troops in armored vehicle, as if they are suppressing an enemy insurgency. And journalists--myself included--did not expect that the story would not be about rain, wind, and flooding, but about rape, murder, and looting. But this is not a natural disaster. It is a man-made disaster. The man-made disaster is not an inadequate or incompetent response by federal relief agencies, and it was not directly caused by Hurricane Katrina. This is where just about every newspaper and television channel has gotten the story wrong. The man-made disaster we are now witnessing in New Orleans did not happen over the past four days. It happened over the past four decades. Hurricane Katrina merely exposed it to public view. The man-made disaster is the welfare state. For the past few days, I have found the news from New Orleans to be confusing. People were not behaving as you would expect them to behave in an emergency--indeed, they were not behaving as they have behaved in other emergencies. That is what has shocked so many people: they have been saying that this is not what we expect from America. In fact, it is not even what we expect from a Third World country. When confronted with a disaster, people usually rise to the occasion. They work together to rescue people in danger, and they spontaneously organize to keep order and solve problems. This is especially true in America. We are an enterprising people, used to relying on our own initiative rather than waiting around for the government to take care of us. I have seen this a hundred times, in small examples (a small town whose main traffic light had gone out, causing ordinary citizens to get out of their cars and serve as impromptu traffic cops, directing cars through the intersection) and large ones (the spontaneous response of New Yorkers to September 11). So what explains the chaos in New Orleans? To give you an idea of the magnitude of what is going on, here is a description from a Washington Times story: "Storm victims are raped and beaten; fights erupt with flying fists, knives and guns; fires are breaking out; corpses litter the streets; and police and rescue helicopters are repeatedly fired on. "The plea from Mayor C. Ray Nagin came even as National Guardsmen poured in to restore order and stop the looting, carjackings and gunfire.... "Last night, Gov. Kathleen Babineaux Blanco said 300 Iraq-hardened Arkansas National Guard members were inside New Orleans with shoot-to-kill orders. " 'These troops are...under my orders to restore order in the streets,' she said. 'They have M-16s, and they are locked and loaded. These troops know how to shoot and kill and they are more than willing to do so if necessary and I expect they will.' " The reference to Iraq is eerie. The photo that accompanies this article shows National Guard troops, with rifles and armored vests, riding on an armored vehicle through trash-strewn streets lined by a rabble of squalid, listless people, one of whom appears to be yelling at them. It looks exactly like a scene from Sadr City in Baghdad. What explains bands of thugs using a natural disaster as an excuse for an orgy of looting, armed robbery, and rape? What causes unruly mobs to storm the very buses that have arrived to evacuate them, causing the drivers to drive away, frightened for their lives? What causes people to attack the doctors trying to treat patients at the Super Dome? Why are people responding to natural destruction by causing further destruction? Why are they attacking the people who are trying to help them? My wife, Sherri, figured it out first, and she figured it out on a sense-of-life level. While watching the coverage last night on Fox News Channel, she told me that she was getting a familiar feeling. She studied architecture at the Illinois Institute of Chicago, which is located in the South Side of Chicago just blocks away from the Robert Taylor Homes, one of the largest high-rise public housing projects in America. "The projects," as they were known, were infamous for uncontrollable crime and irremediable squalor. (They have since, mercifully, been demolished.) What Sherri was getting from last night's television coverage was a whiff of the sense of life of "the projects." Then the "crawl"--the informational phrases flashed at the bottom of the screen on most news channels--gave some vital statistics to confirm this sense: 75% of the residents of New Orleans had already evacuated before the hurricane, and of the 300,000 or so who remained, a large number were from the city's public housing projects. Jack Wakeland then gave me an additional, crucial fact: early reports from CNN and Fox indicated that the city had no plan for evacuating all of the prisoners in the city's jails--so they just let many of them loose. There is no doubt a significant overlap between these two populations--that is, a large number of people in the jails used to live in the housing projects, and vice versa. There were many decent, innocent people trapped in New Orleans when the deluge hit--but they were trapped alongside large numbers of people from two groups: criminals--and wards of the welfare state, people selected, over decades, for their lack of initiative and self-induced helplessness. The welfare wards were a mass of sheep--on whom the incompetent administration of New Orleans unleashed a pack of wolves. All of this is related, incidentally, to the apparent incompetence of the city government, which failed to plan for a total evacuation of the city, despite the knowledge that this might be necessary. But in a city corrupted by the welfare state, the job of city officials is to ensure the flow of handouts to welfare recipients and patronage to political supporters--not to ensure a lawful, orderly evacuation in case of emergency. No one has really reported this story, as far as I can tell. In fact, some are already actively distorting it, blaming President Bush, for example, for failing to personally ensure that the Mayor of New Orleans had drafted an adequate evacuation plan. The worst example is an execrable piece from the Toronto Globe and Mail, by a supercilious Canadian who blames the chaos on American "individualism." But the truth is precisely the opposite: the chaos was caused by a system that was the exact opposite of individualism. What Hurricane Katrina exposed was the psychological consequences of the welfare state. What we consider "normal" behavior in an emergency is behavior that is normal for people who have values and take the responsibility to pursue and protect them. People with values respond to a disaster by fighting against it and doing whatever it takes to overcome the difficulties they face. They don't sit around and complain that the government hasn't taken care of them. They don't use the chaos of a disaster as an opportunity to prey on their fellow men. But what about criminals and welfare parasites? Do they worry about saving their houses and property? They don't, because they don't own anything. Do they worry about what is going to happen to their businesses or how they are going to make a living? They never worried about those things before. Do they worry about crime and looting? But living off of stolen wealth is a way of life for them. The welfare state--and the brutish, uncivilized mentality it sustains and encourages--is the man-made disaster that explains the moral ugliness that has swamped New Orleans. And that is the story that no one is reporting. Source: TIA Daily -- September 2, 2005

Executive Assistants Drive Me Crazy

They all act as though they ARE the executives they support.

When they ask for your assistant, it's as if they are giving you an order. They only delegate the most mundane, boring, mindless tasks, and they delegate them even if they have the time to do them, as though those tasks are beneath them. Actually, I should say that not all EAs are like that…just one in particular that is driving me nuts today. : ) She's been in this department for going on 10 years or something and I guess it's more than her antics about work that bother me, it's her attitude all together.

Oh well, I've vented about that…now on to more important things… : )

Bush's Mom is Saying Some Funky Things...

1. That it's scary that the refugees want to stay in Texas…
2. That living in a stadium is working very well for these po'folks that are underprivileged anyway…

Barbara, I really like your son and all, but would you please shut up????

How could anyone think that living in a stadium is preferable to living in your own home, no matter what it's like?

As for point #1, I guess that shows what caliber she believes those people to be.

And the Texans themselves are probably a little scared that those folks are going to want to stay put.

Nebraska is getting setup to receive about 500 refugees. If I were a refugeen from New Orleans, no way would I want to go back there. Not after I see what a great place Omaha is to live.

Now, some Omahans may be aghast at what I just said.

But think about it, honestly. Can you imagine how much worse it is to be poor and African American in New Orleans than in Omaha? Nebraska has a lot more promise than Louisiana, no doubt. And although Omaha may not be a playground for adults, Omaha is known as a good place to raise children and a good place to live. Maybe I'm just an ignorant, un-travelled midwesterner, but I'm pretty sure I'm right. Time will tell the tale. : )

Kanye West Says it All

Quotes are taken from this story: http://aolsvc.news.aol.com/tv/article.adp?id=20050901235109990011

I don't agree with people who blame everything that happens to African Americans on race.

But part of what this guy said was right.

"George Bush doesn't care about black people" and said America is set up "to help the poor, the black people, the less well-off as slow as possible."

Wait…there's more…

"I hate the way they portray us in the media. If you see a black family, it says they're looting. See a white family, it says they're looking for food."

There were a couple other tidbits, but they're not noteworthy. A better way to put that might be that I think you can get the jist from this.

He definitely is wrong in saying that George Bush doesn't care about black people. That's not true and it's definitely an unfair, inflammatory statement. His statement about America being setup to help the poor, the black people, the less well-off as slow as possible has a ring of truth to it. But what he's missing is that those people also tend to be the ones who have less clues about how to get help and be proactive about their situations. I'm not being nasty…it's just the truth. I've seen it in my own family.

People who are very, very poor feel out of control of their environment and their lives. Things just 'happen' to them. It's the poverty that breeds it…not that those people aren't good people or smart people or anything…it's that their whole life hangs on their next paycheck. They spend their lives waiting for their next check to arrive, and it doesn't matter if it's from the government or if they've worked their butts off for that money. Can you understand what I'm saying here? And believe me, it's applicable equally to blacks, whites, hispanics, it just doesn't matter. And that is an incredibly hard mindset to break out of.

As for the portrayal in the media -- I haven't seen that blacks are any less favorably portrayed than whites during this crisis. It just happens that the looting we've all heard about is going on in New Orleans. And what race do most people in New Orleans happen to be? African American. And what race are most of the people who ended up stuck in that city? African American. So add that up and yes, most of the looters are going to be black…but not because desperate, hungry African Americans are more likely to loot than desperate, hungry white people…but because most of the desperate, hungry people happen to be African American.

When they have shown white people looking for food, it wasn't people in New Orleans…it was people in Mississippi, where most people are white. Most coverage has been of the stuff going on in New Orleans so the perception, if you don't watch and listen closely, could be that African Americans are being portrayed unfairly.

To me, the stories I have read have seemed balanced. Yes, they have covered the looting. But there also have been repeated examples of how the African Americans hate it just as much as anyone else. And there have been examples showing that these people need food and water and there was only one way to get it and that, although they didn't like having to take it, they had to survive somehow.

So on one part, West is right. But as for him saying that it's ENTIRELY about race, I think he's wrong about that one.

After You've Been Fat and then Thin (Or Close to it)...something happens...

I never before felt truly shamed for being overweight, because I had never been anything close to being thin or even close to being considered normal. But now that I have been somewhere close (but not very close!) to normal and stuff, I now feel different about being overweight. I feel fat and ugly. It never bothered me so much before as it does now to be overweight.  I think that might be a good thing though. Might be a motivator. :)

Sunburn Day 10: Status: Same sh*t, different day.

Suburn Day 9: Status: Sweating still makes blisters, but less of them.

Sunburn Day 8: Status: Sweating makes more blisters

which makes more peeling.

Katrina and the Blame Game

So it's been a little over a week since Katrina hit New Orleans and Mississippi.

I'm reading the news this morning on AOL and I read about how Pierce Brosnan is blasting President Bush for the response to Katrina. And I thought to myself, who the heck are you to blast my country? You don't live here. You don't really know what's going on here. President Bush is doing his best to get this taken care of, but, in my opinion, the response to this is not his fault.

No one could have been prepared for the effect that this hurricane would have on New Orleans. No one could have known how bad it was going to be. Sure, they could predict, but how many times have you or I seen an accident about to happen in our own homes but responded lacadaisically because you didn't think it was going to be that bad? It's the same phenomenon.

And why is it that the federal government is so responsible for this? Where was the state government? I saw New Orleans Mayor Nagin speaking about getting the state and federal governments to coordinate with each other and he said that Governor Blanco was stalling for time…but he didn't say it in those words. President Bush and Governor Blanco met on Air Force One and President Bush said that Blanco wanted 24 hours to decide on whatever option they had discussed.

Do you see what I mean? I mean, how insane is it for someone to ask for 24 hours to make a decision on ANYTHING when people are dying every minute?

Bush does not strike me as being indecisive or inattentive. In fact, sometimes I think his tendency to move quickly to get things done might have hurt him, like, for instance, in Iraq. He knew something was going on there and he wanted to go over there and quelch it. So he did. That hurt him because then no WMD were found. If Bush were the governor and not that twerp Blanco, I think that state would have been better off.

Undoubtedly, there were some foul-ups, but what do you expect from a bureaucracy as large as the federal government? That state should have been more ready so that they could take care of themselves passably while the Feds got their asses in gear. But even that may be unreasonable to think…Louisiana may be rich in culture, but rich financially, it is not.

Hurricane Katrina Has Exposed the Racial Divide in Louisiana

http://aolsvc.news.aol.com/news/article.adp?id=20050902071309990001

Check out this story.

I noticed this long before the news picked up on it. Come on! It was so obvious. Almost all those people at the Superdome in Louisiana were black…all you had to do was look at the pictures to see it. I didn't see one white person in the crowds…it was a sea of black skin. I wondered when people would start noticing this.

I'm white but I will say this: you wonder why the response to this tragedy is so sluggish? It's because no one has sympathy for thousands of black people. When fighting and looting erupts among them because they're starving and desperate, people find it incredibly easy to just say it's because they're 'those people'. When they started shooting at helicopters and making their own situation worse, I know what people were thinking, "Well what do you expect from those people?"

If that was a bunch of white people, you might have seen the same violence, you might now have. Who knows? But I do know that if those people were white, even if they were white looters and fighters, you'd have seen a lot more sympathy.

Sunburn Day 7: Status: Houston, We have peeling

The blisters have appeared…oh great. I thought I'd escaped, damnit.

Now You Know I Hate to Say It...

But BF was right about the books.

I shouldn't have spent that money. Now Phrecklette has lice and I don't have money to get the lice shampoo she needs. UGH. I am really kicking myself about that. And I can't say to him, ok you were right because then he'll want even more control. Why does he always have to be right? It's not fair!

Phrecklette is home today.

She's got lice and a cough. I was going to send her to school, but BF poo poo'd that idea.

I know it sounds horrible that I was going to send her, but believe me, she's had coughs before. Usually it's no big deal. However, BF knows a lot more about children's illnesses than I do. He listened to the cough and said there's a ton of congestion and stuff. He offered to take her to the doctor's office for me.

As for the lice, well, daycare is probably where she got it, and I am running out of vacation days. Hence, I didn't think it was a big deal. I'll be doing the lice shampoo thing tonight or tomorrow night, depending on when I can get the money to do it.

So anyway, that's the Phrecklette scoop today.

Sunburn Day 6: Status: fine. No peeling, nothing.

I'm not sure if that's good or bad lol. One thing's for sure - it's more hygenic. :)

Sunburn Day 5: Status: Almost healed. Very little pain, no blistering at all. :)

In fact, I was actually able to shower last night. Thank God…my hair was soooo gross.

Sunburn Day 4: Status: Not bad...less painful after Tylenol-induced coma. No blistering yet.

Who Knew Books Could Cause Such a Stir?

I decided to order some books for Phrecklette through her school. They were about $17 total. Since I don’t have checks yet for my new account, I had to get a money order. I got one last night at my bank and asked BF to take it to her school this morning. He asked me what it was for. Knowing he would give me his unsolicited advice about the wisdom of purchasing books for her, I said it was tuition. I didn't have time to argue with him this morning.

Well, being the smart cookie that he is, he figured it out and didn't give them the money order. Damnit. He thinks I should not be spending money on these books. He says I should get them from a garage sale or something. Normally I'd concur with that, but when do I have time to go to garage sales? Furthermore, these are really good quality books…books like the ones that I had when I was a kid. He says I should go through the books that I already have and read those to her first. We've read all of those…many of them are for kids much younger than she. Honestly, I need to get rid of them.

I wanted to get her some new books because I want to expose her to new things. New ideas, ways of speaking, concepts, the whole thing. Aren't we encouraged to do that as parents?

I guess I don't understand why this guy thinks he has a right to interfere in these decisions. Being alone is looking more and more inviting. At least then every decision is unanimous. My supervisor was right about that.

He just seems to have a problem respecting my boundaries and I don't know if I can deal with that. My boundary is that until I have financial responsibilities toward you and you have them toward me, you can offer advice, but if it's not taken, you shut your trap. I mean, isn't the idea in a relationship to find someone that you can accept as they are, not someone that you feel that you must change to fit what you want? Don't you need to find someone that is entirely what you want, then you build a relationship with them?

And doesn't it seem wrong to have your partner tell you that they've make mistakes and now they want to do better, and then you tell them that they will not do any better because they've previously failed to do so? I thought that in a loving relationship, you're supposed to show that you're in their corner.

I just wish I could stay calm during these discussions and not get so upset with him so I could calmly say what I need to say!!!

And to think I was actually going to let him put a piece of his furniture in my apartment…no way am I going to allow that now.

Feeling a Bit Left Out

BF had gNat last night, so he brought her over. But what bugs me about that is that we had a miscommunication about dinner last night. I thought he would be there for dinner. He gave me that impression but then he, seemingly inexplicably, did not show up.

I have to admit, when he has gNat, I feel a bit left out. Not because he has his daughter. I feel left out because he doesn't show up at my/our place until it's time for her to go to bed. She's all fussy and everything and then he wants me to try and bond with her. Well how am I going to do that? She's fussy and doesn't want me and she really just wants to go to bed. When we're at his parents' house and I try to hold her, his mom butts in and takes over. It's like she's putting me in my place.

And my place is fairly low on the totem pole. I seem to be relegated to changing diapers and holding the baby while her daddy is getting her crib set up. It seems like gNat might be getting a little more used to me, but I don't know…it's just frustrating because I feel like I'm being taken for granted.

I got some new Togs!!!!

Whoooo hoooo!!!!

Here I was, tiring of my hot pink-lined chocolate-brown Liz Claiborne bag when WHOOO!!! Out of the blue, one my New York directors brings me a brand new knock off of one VERY expensive bag!!!! :) It's sooooo loverly. I guess the brand name is Togs or something? I don't know. But it's so classy looking!! :) Good enough for this bland Midwesterner! I love it. Sometimes, being a secretary really does pay!

Especially around Christmas! Last year, I got about $300 worth of gift certificates to the newest exclusive shopping mall around here, Village Pointe. That was great. This year, maybe I'll be thin enough to actually buy some clothing or something lol. But I'm not really counting on that happening again, though. I mean, you should not count your chickens before they're hatched, and the DOSs of course are not obligated to do such generous things. If they do, that will be lovely, but if they don't, I'm not going to throw a fit.

More Recovery from the Ruin of the Financial House of Cards

Yippy skippy!
I'm a real person who can bank buy stuff online and stuff!!!!

My debit card came in the mail on Saturday and now I have my PIN. And NOW I can check out my account online! What a relief!!!!

Anyone who actually reads this, which I'm pretty sure there aren't that many, if any, will probably think that the bank was insane to give me a check card, but really!!!! I'm going to be good this time. And check this out! You can easily download your transactions right from their website, and I don't mean you have to then transcribe them to Money either. I mean you download them and Money will just import the suckers. YES! Gosh that'll make it so much easier to balance my checkbook!

Chex Systems
I almost couldn't get a bank account because I got listed with Chex systems…if any of you are reading this and you have the same problem, then go check out US Bank..they will give you a checking account if you haven't had a checking account closed against your will in the last year. www.usbank.com

Another thing you should check out, if you have been listed with these people is www.chexvictims.com. There is some good information on that site too.

Man, have I learned my lesson!!!!! I'm never paying another overdraft fee again!!!

You know what's so funny about this? BF kinda looks down on me because I'm not so hot with money, but ummmm I don't think he is either. His account is like, ALWAYS in the hole, and he never has money. I usually have to pay for things. Well, I don't mind so much though, because his ex girlfriend is sucking child support out of him for all he's worth. I do think he should pay child support, but ummm, in such an amount that the guy has to live off of $400 a month? I think that's a little excessive. Come to think of it, he wasn't that good with money even before the child support. He was busy running up his credit cards before his daughter was born and the whole shebang.

He reminds me so much of me sometimes. It's amazing. I was JUST like him at that age. Weird...

You know what might be fun?

Tracking the status of this year's Air Show Sunburn!

Ok -- day 1 was Saturday, 8/27 - initial burn. You idiot. Air Force, Marine guys, and Army guys were hot -- as well as the Bellevue swat team guys. Dayyyyyym. :o) hot enough to justify this burn? We'll see.

Day 2 - Sunday -- ohmygodthis hurts -- still beet red. Nope they weren't hot enough.
Day 3 - Monday (today) - wowthatstillhurtspleasedon'ttouchme - a little less red. Starting to itch; no blisters yet though. Why did I go to that airshow? What was I thinking? Men in uniform? Who gives a rat's ass??????

Stay tuned for day 4.

I Got Burned

This weekend because I went to the air show with no sunscreen. Man, I am SUCH a genius! Lol

I put Phrecklette in respite for the weekend. BF and I had a wonderful time until Saturday night, when he decided to try and talk me out of keeping her AGAIN. Man, he just will not let up.

We are doing ok right now, but I wish he'd just leave me alone about this. I am so tired of talking about it. And when he asks me to explain why I'm doing this, I feel upset that I have to justify a dang thing to him, and even if I were to explain it, I already know that he wouldn't accept the explanation. Even though everyone knows that children who are bounced around from home to home have trouble bonding with people later in life and they also feel worthless because 'nobody wanted them'. I don't want Phrecklette to have that feeling, but BF believes that the forementioned explanation is a bunch of hooey.  He doesn't accept any psychological explanations for anything!

I am still on the shrink, still making good choices. Yay! I can feel myself losing weight and I loved walking around at the air show this weekend. It was way cool. My clothes are loosening up a bit. I suppose I should get myself a bathroom scale again. Maybe this Friday, we'll see. :)

I feel like crap...

And other news…

Phrecklette's psych eval is today. Fun.

I'm so tired. There was a huge storm last night and it was INCREDIBLY loud. Ugh. And Phrecklette was scared outta her wits, so she slept with me.

Then I was too hot, so I turned the air way down, which was a mistake, because then it was so cold that my nose was cold. So I had to get up, AGAIN, and turn that thing down so we could thaw out.

My acid reflux almost made me puke in my sleep…at the very least, my throat is raw and I can't breathe too deeply because it will make me cough.

Phrecklette slept LATE this morning. It was amazing. All I have to do to have her sleep later is have her sleep with me? Hmm…naw, better not, I think it's probably not healthy to do that.

My cell phone is back on…another part of the recovery from the fall of the financial house of cards. Now I have to call my insurance agent and get my direct debit from my checking set up again. More fun.

I'm going to try to get respite for this weekend. I am so tired and there are some movies I want to see. :)

Yes, I know. This is quite boring.

Oh and one other thing…BF and I seem to be recovering from our recent fights. I think he's salvageable. We'll see.

"How Will it HURT YOU to buy this ice????"

Well I just had a loverly lunch with BF. He again tried to talk me out of keeping Phrecklette but I held my ground. We were actually able to TALK about it and not argue. I got a little miffed that he won't leave it alone, but I guess some people are just like that.

I got myself a new Crochet hook, so I'm excited about that. It's the next smallest size down from my size 6 steel hook. This will make it so I can make smaller stitches without having to crochet more tightly (and adding hand pain!).

Anyway, he took me to my new bank (rebuilding from the ruin of the financial house of cards' fall) and then to Hobby Lobby. Gosh I love that place. And we had a loverly conversation. He is worried because he has very little money (hmmm I know how he feels) and I said, "Well, why don't you get a part time telemarketing job? You're the most manipulative person I know, you could sell ice to an Eskimo." LOL. We both laughed so hard at that. And I said, "hey, all you have to do is just ask him, [one of his favorite things to use to argue with me] Hey! Mr. Eskimo, just LISTEN, PLEASE! How will it HURT you to buy this ice? How will it hurt, hmmm?" It was hilarious lol. From then on, there was a lot less tension.

We were even able to talk about Phrecklette's therapist, whom he intensely dislikes, without fighting. He expressed that she doesn't know what she's doing and how could a four year old be psycho-analyzed? After all, they haven't reached the 'age of reason'. Never mind that they can feel emotions regardless of that. And I said, look, you decide things with logic and reason too much! You're leaving out the essential part of being human: emotions.  I think I gained some ground there.

Well enough for now. I need to get some work done. Oh wait, I don't have any right now! Well the marketing lady has some for me, I'm sure. Sounds like they've hired a new marketing coordinator, which is great, because we need yet another anal grunt worker in the marketing department…the last one had that collateral room sooooo organized! Anyway, back to 'work'.

On the Shrink Again...

Well, my pants are looser and I am making better choices. It won't be long before we see me losing weight again. Yay. :)

That priest yesterday was right. What difference is it if Phrecklette is there or not? She was just an excuse for me to go back to my old ways. I should be able to lose weight with her there or not! I really let myself slide, but Phrecklette should be a reason to improve myself, not an excuse. There's no reason in the world why I can't make healthy food and exercise choices with her present. I can and I will! That's my responsibility…Phrecklette and my own health, my own life.

I saw my sister's apartment last night. It is not in a good neighborhood. Everyone around there is extremely poor and the apartment is very shabby. It reminds me of my old apartment, but it's a little bit better. The stairs will be good for my sister's weight, but I am worried. I am trying not to be, but I am. The worst thing right now is that there's no hot water at this time. I think they probably have it shut off temporarily while it's unoccupied, but I hope they are not ghetto landlords.

BF won't help her move, either. Well, not quite true…he will help her, but only if she pays him $50 for him and for his friend ($100) instead of the $60 he originally agreed to. I won't even tell her about it. It's just shameful that he'd try to take advantage of her like that, and I don't want my family to know how he's behaving.

It's sounding more and more like I should break up with BF, isn't it? It's so hard to let go of how good things are usually…we really get along wonderfully. He does special things for me, the whole nine yards. And that's not a honeymoon period thing…that's an every day thing. He normally is pretty darn easy to get along with. I can't count the nights we've spent laughing and smiling and having fun together. But when he gets stressed out, look out.

I know that men aren't fixer-uppers, but I am seeing now how it is that women will try and try and try. I can't marry him while he's like this…he has to figure out how to get a hold of himself. But what about the times that I freak out? I'm not necessarily any better at handling stress than he is.

Last Night Wasn't Too Hot

BF actually put his hands on me. He was holding me in place because I wanted to walk away. He was absolutely hysterical. And though it calmed down toward the end of the night, this is becoming a worrisome pattern. I love him so much, but where do I draw the line? I don't think he will ever hit me, but he did really have me thinking I was crazy and that I couldn't make decisions. Isn't that one of the signs of an abuser?

And he's still trying to lean on me about this. Even this morning, he is still insisting that keeping Phrecklette will hurt me and hurt her. That the environment in my home is unhealthy for both of us…and with him in the mix, he's right. How do I extricate myself from having him around so much?

BF May Be Ticked, but Phrecklette is Still Saying

In fact, he was so ticked, he almost had me talked into letting her go, but thank God he insisted we meet with that counsellor he trusts, because that counsellor sided with me and said that Phrecklette staying with me is what is best for her!

I WIN!

What is really pathetic about this is that I needed a counsellor to wake me up to what I knew to be true; that Phrecklette should stay with me and that this is MY decision solely, not BF's.

That priest saw what I saw…a man who desperately wants that child gone because she's burdensome to him. I don't even think he realizes that that's why. For someone who exhorts all around him to be barebones honest with themselves, he doesn't seem to be able to be honest with himself. Maybe it's that Freudian mirror effect...

I told him that I love him and I do not want to break up with him, but I will have to if he can't treat me like an adult.

Oh boy.....

Well, I told BF that Phrecklette will be staying with me…and he is not happy, to say the least. He says that I owe him communication. I owe him an explanation, I have to sit down with him and list out the pros and cons of Phrecklette staying with me. I don't owe him squat. He says I've lied to and deceived him. I haven't done either thing. This is such BS. I know I'm doing the right thing and I'm not changing my mind.

Phrecklette is staying put. :o)

I met with her caseworker and her therapist last night. This caseworker is different. She is much nicer than the other one. I mentioned how the other one had come to my home and treated me like a neglectful, abusive parent after Phrecklette fell off the balcony, and she said that perhaps my sister had poisoned the caseworker's mind against me.

That confirms my suspicions. From the things that the caseworker asked me about, it sounded like Cathleen had told her something to make her suspect me of nefarious things. I could just kill my sister over that. That immature fool - what did she want to happen? Did she want Phrecklette to go to the foster care system?

Anyway, like I said, this caseworker is different. She is treating me like I can be an actual contributor on this case, not just a glorified babysitter. She doesn't mind if I help do some visits, take Deirdre to go see her mom's new place, the whole nine yards. And so I'm more than happy to help Cathleen move, too. I'm kind of excited about it…I feel hope about this for the first time in a long time. It's been a long, dreary road for the past year.

The only thing I'm worried about is BF. He's emailed me this morning to ask whether I emailed the caseworker and he said that he hopes that I didn't meet with her. So now I have to come clean and say that yes I did and this is what I decided and that's it. He is going to be unhappy with this decision to say the least. I have emailed him back…I'm not too excited about the storm that's about to start raining on me.

But I feel this is the right decision. I love Deirdre like she's my own and I'm doing my duty to this child; seeing this through to the end. That is what I committed to do for Deirdre.

The Responsibility of Having Lost Over 100 Pounds

Is surprising to say the least.

This morning I was downstairs getting ready for two simultaneous client visits and I met someone I hadn't seen in a long time. This person had once told me how inspired she was that I had lost weight; she knew that she could do it too because she had seen me do it. She's kind of an administrative nazi, but I don't work with her much, so that's alright.

Anyway, I remember that day clear as a bell, at least the part where she told me how inspired she was whenever she saw me walking away lol. For anyone who reads this, I used to weigh 369 pounds, then I lost about 140, and now I've gained some back, but not all. I didn't notice her standing there at first, and then she said, "Hi ______." fairly loudly.

I guess that when you lose that much weight, it is inspiring to people. For one, they see someone turning their life around. And that's inspiring, of course. But for another, they think, well if THAT person can do, I sure can! And then they see you gain a lot of it back and probably either lose some of their own steam or just think, "Well, I sure don't have anything to feel guilty about."

Work: Ok, I've stewed over this long enough...

It still drives me crazy to no end that Twiggy keeps getting work assignments from Mr. Universe when I am the one who is supposed to be supporting him. Doesn't she have enough to do? I mean, the girl's got travel stuff to do up the ying yang, but I guess I'm just too fat or something to do work for Mr. Universe.

Or maybe it's the fact that I have to keep missing work because Phrecklette gets sick or has an appointment. OH wait, I get it, Mr. Universe has a soccer mom to take care of his kids so he doesn't have to miss work for this, that or the other.

Well, who knows that the guy's trip is.

But I guess I feel like I get a bad rap because I have to take time off in order to take care of a sick Phrecklette, or when Phrecklette has doctor's appointments. And I guess I feel like saying to those who may be judging me as a bad worker -- well gee, if I had a soccer mom at home to take care of my kid, I'd never miss work either!

But you know, that's what you get when you spend the first year of employment being an ungrateful fool…once you straighten out, it takes a while to erase that memory of you acting like a knitwit. :o( Remind me never to act like that again!

Tonight I meet with Phrecklette's SW

Well, against BF's wishes, I am going to meet with Phrecklette's SW.

BF is deathly afraid that the SW will convince me to keep Phrecklette through transition (transition = the time it will take to transition her to her mom's house). I did tell them to put a halt to finding her a place to be for now, but on reflection, I don't think that's such a good idea after all. I really am pretty burnt out and Phrecklette does deserve better. One point to assuage my conscience; transition might be easier for Phrecklette if she is not with me. I know it'll be easier on me. Although the State is trying to bribe me by paying me around $422 per month to keep Phrecklette, that certainly is not worth it. Haven't I given enough of my life?

Work is going well. Same old, same old. Three client visits this week, all of which I will have to arrive early for.

I got my resume finished. One of my friends helped me figure out the best format. It looks pretty good. But do I really want a new job? I'm kinda debating that one. Although I know my company would have no compunction about shedding me if it fit their needs, they have been really kind to me. All during this thing with Phrecklette, my supervisor has been nice to me, even when Phrecklette got sick when there were only 2 other admins in the office and so they had to work their butts off. And they've been super kind to me even when I was acting like an irresponsible child, calling in sick left and right during my first year here! I am paid really well for what I do here, but I am just so bored with it sometimes. But when you get lemons, you're supposed to make lemonade, right? So I guess it's up to me to make the best of this place. I will keep my options open, but I am not going to be actively searching for a new position.

Well, it's off to the races!

We Meet with Phrecklette's Social Worker (SW) on Monday

…..at Phrecklette's therapist's office.

I had another crying jag last night. I have already started feeling how sad I am going to be when Phrecklette leaves and I am no longer a mother. There won't be any more preschool for Phrecklette - as her mom can't afford it. There won't be anyone for me to pick up after work. No little girl squealing, "Mommy!!!" or "Sheila!!!" when I pick her up from school. No one to get up and get dressed in the morning or make breakfast or dinner for. I can't even imagine what it's going to be like being childless again. I've been doing this for going on two years now, and I just can't imagine this change.

I keep asking BF why do I have to do this? He says it's because I have to work on me, and Phrecklette needs someone who has already worked on themselves. Phrecklette needs someone who can balance their checkbook and not have to make $5.00 of food stretch out for a whole week because her financial house of cards collapsed. Honestly, he's right about that. I have gained so much weight and had so many problems since taking this on. That's not Phrecklette's fault; it's my fault for making a decision to do this when I wasn't ready. But what's so funny about that is that I felt completely ready and prepped to do this at the time.

But what about the bond between Phrecklette and I? How will she take this when she moves to a home full of complete strangers? Will she feel like I rejected her? Will she feel like it's her fault?

I am just really struggling with this right now. And I will be struggling with it for a long time, no doubt.

What to do about Phrecklette...

The problem of what I should do about Phrecklette still continues to weigh heavily on my mind. I will miss her so much.

BF says no, do not keep her, and I just don't want to agree with him. But he says that I have deteriorated so much over the past year…and he's right.

I used to be actually interested in wearing makeup, in looking good, and things like that. Now I just don't care. Sometimes I am reminded of that, like when I read Jolie in NYC's blog…she loves makeup and that used to be me. I used to love that. Now I don't care all that much. In fact, I've thrown so much old expensive makeup away that it's not even funny. Stuff like Prescriptives, Estee Lauder, you name it. I wouldn't mind going back to just being a girl.

But it is so crucial that I make the absolute right decision about Phrecklette. I don't want to be the cause of screwing up her life! The caseworker wants me to keep her, her therapist wants me to keep her, but when I talk to my sister and see that she has no sense of urgency, that she feels like she doesn't need to move things along, I can't help but wonder if that is because Phrecklette's with me and not in a foster home. Thank God that Phrecklette knows nothing of any of these things.

I don't know if I can stand being an aunt and having Phrecklette always asking me when she can come home. Or why she can't live with me. Or anything like that. That's what happened last time; I would go to visit her and she'd be there in her diaper (at 3 years old, mind you) and we'd go for a walk, if we could find clean clothes for her, and she would ask to come home with me. She would say, "I want to come live with you. Why can't I come with you?" If I had kept her then, I think we'd have been together forever. But it was her mom's decision and the state wasn't involved back then. All we had was a gentleman's agreement and you know that one of those can be changed whenever one of the parties feels like it. I should have gotten the state involved at the start.

If anyone's reading this, just remember that with child abuse, where there's smoke, there's fire, and you are probably a mandatory reporter. Especially if you live in Nebraska. You need to report it and let the state sort it out. If I had reported things to the state when I should have, instead of trying to do it all myself, then this would not be happening. Here is a link to the signs of child abuse… http://kidshealth.org/parent/positive/family/signs_child_abuse_p2.html

Gallery of the Absurd

This site is awesome with a capital A. If anyone actually reads this blog, lol, then that one person should go check out this site and laugh their, umm, hiney..off. :)

http://galleryoftheabsurd.typepad.com/14/

I can email blog posts? Oh far out!

Wow, so this is totally cool. Now I can email from anywhere, right? Far out. Well maybe I should do some work before I leave tonight…hmmm..

So I was thinking of not going through with letting Phrecklette go...

but after talking to my idiot sister today, I am HEAVILY leaning toward it. God I can't stand it!

It's not that I don't like being a mom. There are many cool things about it. But what I do NOT like is being taken advantage of...and to hear my sister talk today, she has PUH-LENTY! of time to get her ass in gear and move out. She said she'll probably move in September and that she's in no hurry to which I replied with heavy sarcasm,

"Don't you have any sense of urgency????? Suuuuuuure, just take all the time you want while Phrecklette and I put our lives on hold so we can clean up after you!!!!"

I just want to throttle her. I wish I could move to a different state to get away from these people!!

And in Other News...

I may not be letting Phrecklette go as promised. A new caseworker has been assigned and this one actually seems to give a damn. For one thing, she's not going to have that whackjob therapist of my sister's doing family therapy. Thank God. If Phrecklette will be leaving foster care in the next 30-60 days, then I have no problem keeping her.

However, BF would definitely have problem with it. I know we are supposed to be building a life together and working on 'us', and I don't want to lose him. But don't I have to do what my conscience dictates? And right now, my conscience dictates that if it's only going to be another month or two until Phrecklette can just go home, why should she be exposed to the pain and feeling of abandonment that being moved to a stranger's home would surely expose her to? BF says she's adaptable, but I just think that it is a scary prospect to do that without some kind of good reason. Saving myself and the sanity that I've achieved - yes that is a good reason. But when I know it's only going to be another 30-60 days, anyone can endure that, right?

Meanwhile, BF is counting the days. I don't blame him. Yes it would be so much fun to have it just be us. It would be great for us to just be adults and create our own family. Of course it would. But then, he is not bonded to Phrecklette like I am. She is like my daughter.

I remember the first time she went back to her mom. She kept asking me if she could come home and live with me. I wanted to say yes so badly!!!! But I couldn't. I just don't want to go through that again.

Well, this caseworker seems good and she and I will meet with D and her therapist soon. After that meeting, I will know more.

Cleaning Up the Debris from the Financial House of Cards' Collapse

Well I finally called the bank. They are closing my accounts, but not before my paycheck is deposited. And oh yeah, they won't give me the balance of my leftover money. No, they will hold it for about a week and then send me a check in the mail.

So I tried to stop the direct deposit, figuring, well I'll stop it and then just pay them off in cash. No dice. Payroll says that the money's already been transmitted to them and all that a bank does is release it on the day it should be released. They said that if the account's overdrawn, which it's not at this time, then the bank will not reverse it. If it is not overdrawn, then they might. So I'm hopeful that my $ will fall through the cracks.

Meanwhile, there is always my savings account in Kansas, so I won't be penniless for an entire two weeks while the bank sorts their stuff out. But I won't be living 'high on the hog', that's for sure. I will have to call the power company and put them off, and I'll also have to call the cable company, and put them off. Actually, let them eat cake, because I don't really watch TV anyway. But then there's still my car insurance, which automatically comes out of my checking account, and then there's also still my AOL, ditto for that. And there's also the delayed deposit service. It'll be fun telling them they can't have any money for a while. No, I really shouldn't let anyone eat cake; I need to get this taken care of and not just sit on my hands. I mean, look what that has gotten me!!!! To not do anything would be radically stupid.

The positive side of this is that the madness is stopping. It's a hard way to stop it and it's a hard lesson to learn, but nevertheless, there will be no more direct deposit advance and delayed deposit cycles...no more being in the hole before I get paid every two weeks and constantly having to try to be creative with deposits and withdrawals. What a relief.

I'll now be able to live like a normal, HONEST person. I hated all that deceit but felt like I had no choice. It felt so dirty at the time. I guess you could say that there is nowhere to go from rock bottom but up. :) The other good news is that no one has this checking account information, so that means that none of the collection agencies have it either, from when I was desperately trying to pay bills previously. And it's not affiliated at all with my married name, so no confusion whatsoever about that either.

Now the challenge is to get a new checking account somewhere...I tried another bank last night and they conditionally approved me. This recent fiasco will not show on my credit, but I do have poor credit from my bankruptcy and what preceded it. So that could stop me, but then I could also try to get a checking account with my bank that has my savings in Kansas. That might be the easiest route.

So there is life after you phenomenally screw up...check out this quote...

If you have made mistakes...there is always another chance for you...you may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call "failure" is not the falling down, but the staying down.

-- Mary Pickford (1893-1979) Canadian Actress

Why Am I Awake at About 6AM on a Sunday Morning?

One word: stress

If you're in debt
and you know it,
cry your tears
(weep weep)

If you're in debt
and you know it,
cry your tears
(weep weep)

If you're in debt
and you know it
then your purse
will surely show it

If you're in debt and you know it, cry your tears...

My financial house of cards has collapsed, and I don't have the slightest shred of a clue on how I'm going to fix it. Well, I guess I have a shred. Sell some MK, get a PT job. BF suggested waitressing. I guess I could do that...I could do anything for 2 weeks, which is how long I figure I'd need to work in order to get some money and get myself out of this debt.

Keep in mind...I'm not talking about credit cards. I wiped all those out in bankruptcy. :) I'm talking about the lure of those 'we'll hold your check until payday' places. I'm talking about being a total spendthrift, which is what my ex-husband (accurately) called me in court papers. Loverly.

I grew up like this. When payday came, we lived 'high on the hog' as my dad liked to say. But right before payday and almost immediately after, our lives were a miserable, stressful existence. Bills went unpaid, we hid from the utilities man, the bill collectors called, you name it. Children really do learn what they live. Mom and Dad robbed Peter to pay Paul, and now I'm doing the same.

BF says I can change and that he will help me to figure out how to get myself out of this mess. How can he be so understanding? Why would he even want to understand, let alone tie himself in matrimonial bliss forever to me, when I'm such a wreck, financially and otherwise? My greatest fear is that he will get tired of it one day soon and then he'll decide he's had enough and up and leave. Because where is the benefit for him? Where? I don't see any. Yeah we have fun together, yes we love eachother, but what else? Well, I guess I don't have to figure that out, since I have no control over someone else's actions, right? Yep.

Moving right along, Phrecklette will be up in less than 2 hours and I've gotten no sleep. How am I going to take care of her?

Well, another day begins, and this day, I am going to have to call and talk to the Bank's loss prevention department. Do you know what that code stands for? "Anti-theft Department". That's what it really means. And what that also means is that my poor, poor spending habits have now gone so far down the sewer that they've turned me into a veritable thief. Loverly.

Part time employment bliss, here I come. Dangit, I really liked that bank. Oh well. Could be worse...but I'm not quite sure how.

I'm in a financial house of cards...

and it could collapse at any moment. Man I am so bad with money. I have got to do something about this. I wish I could just pay someone else to manage my bills and give me an allowance! Because I KNOW that I *should* have more than enough money to take care of everything, yet I find myself struggling. UGH!!!

Last night I went a little psycho on poor BF. I don't know why he puts up with me. Basically, he and I have a difference of opinion on whether Phrecklette should see a counsellor. My thought is heck yeah she should. I mean, look what she is dealing with during her formative years! I grew up in the same kind of environment and it does a number on you, no doubt. What can it hurt?

He absolutely despises her counsellor. He met her one time and because she couldn't 'sell' herself to him and explain the 'model' she was going to use to help Phrecklette, he was like, "ok, she is a crackpot." I thought she seemed just fine and she does seem to help Phrecklette, I guess.

Well, ok, I don't see how she really does anything for Phrecklette. But the changes could be happening inside of that child...and how much help is she going to need when she's back with her mom? And how much help is she going to need with the transitions that are going to be happening soon in her life? They are huge transitions. No more preschool, no more la Phreckle, just home with Mommy all the time.

Anyway, I am HUGELY sensitive to the issue. And I don't know why. It doesn't make any sense. Maybe it's the way he goes about proving his points, but honestly, does a 4 yr old need therapy? Does she really NEED it? And if she does, how much of that does she need? He worries that this is going to make Phrecklette dependent on therapy and pills for the rest of her life.

He may have a point there...I mean, if I hadn't stopped seeing my therapist, I'd have been going forever, with no end in sight. She even mentioned that some people keep going forever for 'maintenance' therapy. And she didn't like me going off of antidepressants. I am so glad I did though. On both counts.

Well, I think that BF may be right. But Phrecklette is not my child, and I have to do what they tell me I need to do. I will continue taking her to the therapy, because I know she will need it when she goes home to Mommy dearest. And the therapist will be able to monitor what is going on with Deirdre and will be able to report anything she sees going awry. So I will not have to do as much watching. That will be helpful. But I will not tell BF that I am taking her.

But you know I can't figure out why BF would want to continue to be with me, I was so crazy last night! It really was ridiculous. And I did treat him terribly. I have to stop doing that, or I am going to lose him.