…..at Phrecklette's therapist's office.
I had another crying jag last night. I have already started feeling how sad I am going to be when Phrecklette leaves and I am no longer a mother. There won't be any more preschool for Phrecklette - as her mom can't afford it. There won't be anyone for me to pick up after work. No little girl squealing, "Mommy!!!" or "Sheila!!!" when I pick her up from school. No one to get up and get dressed in the morning or make breakfast or dinner for. I can't even imagine what it's going to be like being childless again. I've been doing this for going on two years now, and I just can't imagine this change.
I keep asking BF why do I have to do this? He says it's because I have to work on me, and Phrecklette needs someone who has already worked on themselves. Phrecklette needs someone who can balance their checkbook and not have to make $5.00 of food stretch out for a whole week because her financial house of cards collapsed. Honestly, he's right about that. I have gained so much weight and had so many problems since taking this on. That's not Phrecklette's fault; it's my fault for making a decision to do this when I wasn't ready. But what's so funny about that is that I felt completely ready and prepped to do this at the time.
But what about the bond between Phrecklette and I? How will she take this when she moves to a home full of complete strangers? Will she feel like I rejected her? Will she feel like it's her fault?
I am just really struggling with this right now. And I will be struggling with it for a long time, no doubt.
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