What to do about Phrecklette...

The problem of what I should do about Phrecklette still continues to weigh heavily on my mind. I will miss her so much.

BF says no, do not keep her, and I just don't want to agree with him. But he says that I have deteriorated so much over the past year…and he's right.

I used to be actually interested in wearing makeup, in looking good, and things like that. Now I just don't care. Sometimes I am reminded of that, like when I read Jolie in NYC's blog…she loves makeup and that used to be me. I used to love that. Now I don't care all that much. In fact, I've thrown so much old expensive makeup away that it's not even funny. Stuff like Prescriptives, Estee Lauder, you name it. I wouldn't mind going back to just being a girl.

But it is so crucial that I make the absolute right decision about Phrecklette. I don't want to be the cause of screwing up her life! The caseworker wants me to keep her, her therapist wants me to keep her, but when I talk to my sister and see that she has no sense of urgency, that she feels like she doesn't need to move things along, I can't help but wonder if that is because Phrecklette's with me and not in a foster home. Thank God that Phrecklette knows nothing of any of these things.

I don't know if I can stand being an aunt and having Phrecklette always asking me when she can come home. Or why she can't live with me. Or anything like that. That's what happened last time; I would go to visit her and she'd be there in her diaper (at 3 years old, mind you) and we'd go for a walk, if we could find clean clothes for her, and she would ask to come home with me. She would say, "I want to come live with you. Why can't I come with you?" If I had kept her then, I think we'd have been together forever. But it was her mom's decision and the state wasn't involved back then. All we had was a gentleman's agreement and you know that one of those can be changed whenever one of the parties feels like it. I should have gotten the state involved at the start.

If anyone's reading this, just remember that with child abuse, where there's smoke, there's fire, and you are probably a mandatory reporter. Especially if you live in Nebraska. You need to report it and let the state sort it out. If I had reported things to the state when I should have, instead of trying to do it all myself, then this would not be happening. Here is a link to the signs of child abuse… http://kidshealth.org/parent/positive/family/signs_child_abuse_p2.html