Movie Reviews

I know these movies are so old that they're out on video, but keep in mind that I am from Nebraska and therefore am not quite as hip as most people. :)

Napoleon Dynamite
This guy has the same disease that Sean "Puffy" Combs has...perpetually open-mouthed. Not a very animated guy, the highlight of his social life was when one of the popular girls accepted his request to accompany him to a high school dance. Little did he know it was because "Uncle Rico" told the girl's mom that Napoleon wasn't overnight potty-trained yet and the popular girl's mom forced her to accept. :) Don't worry Napoleon, I know it's super-hard to get that dry-overnight thing going on, I just got through potty-training my niece, who's 4 1/2.

Bottom line, this is one of those movies where the plot isn't really going anywhere and you only watch it because you've heard people talking about it and you're curious about why they were talking about it. Your curiosity drives you to keep watching because the entire time you're watching the movie, you keep wondering when are they going to have the part that made everyone talk about this movie? Eventually you reach the end.

I Heart Huckabees
This movie is actually pretty good, if Blockbuster's dang DVD wasn't so crappy. It had scratches and toward the end, it kept hiccuping every few seconds. Total pain. Naomi Watts was so amazing though. Funnier than hell. And the machete action was pretty cool too. Jude Law was good; that nursing thing was a little freaky.

D went to see Janwitch this weekend overnight on Saturday night. I needed a break pretty bad. August 26, when I'll be parting ways with my little niece, is approaching fast. Only 18 days until that day and it's a little scary.

D's therapist
...wants to see her today at 5pm and I'm cool with that. Even though that therapist dissed me to everyone else on the case by stating that my bf is a control freak and delving into my private life with my sister. Not OK, people. Definitely one of the things that made me angry enough to hang it all up.

I can't wait to see this woman. Or not.

My weight continues to go up and I feel ridiculously helpless to stop it. Which is so not true because as anyone knows it is up to you and no one else to get this weight off your body. I feel super tired this morning from having stayed up way too late last night, so I probably shouldn't think too much about it, since I'll just make myself feel terrible. I mean, I feel helpless enough...better not to think too much about this when I feel so tired that I can hardly imagine lifting my ass out of this seat. I can't even think about exercising when I'm feeling this tired.

I need to find a way to look on the bright side but right now I just don't feel like it, honestly. It is so selfish, but I am counting the days until D leaves. I feel like a great struggle will have finally ended for me...a great conflict.

Back in the days of la Buddha and the therapist, both of those ladies wanted to blame my weight gain and out of control life on BF's presence. They thought it was him...he was a bad influence on my life. But I'm here to tell ya, it wasn't him. No, it was my decision to turn myself into a parent overnight...just as I was beginning to enjoy independence, solitude, looking after myself, being healthy, all those things. God, that was the springtime of my life. I think it's not too late to get it back.

But the dream that was getting married and having children...well that's gone now. I don't have the sense of urgency that I once had about that. I don't know what my ultimate dream is now, but that's not it. Or, to put it a better way, that might not be the main focus. My ultimate dream now is to be healthy. That's it. I just want to feel good about myself again, like I used to.

Back when I got D, my self esteem was on a downward spiral for a number of reasons. I was off of the euphoric high of having left and divorced my ex husband. The euphoric high that was my 'relationship' with Mr. Wrong was lessening and petering out, the potency of which having been lessened by the growing reality that Mr. Wrong was a total liar (by the way, now he's got 3-6 months to live because of his melanoma, and he's supposedly still got his bun in his fiancee's oven or whatever, and he really wanted to talk to me and be 'friends' until he found out I'm back together with my BF...why do I not think he just wanted to be 'friends'? Maybe I should change his nickname from Mr. Wrong to Fantastic Liar) and I had just wasted 18 months of my life on him.

I had a point when I began this section of the post but now I'm meandering. I think that the point is that I shouldn't have taken D in, for my own sake. And for her sake. How can I parent her when I can't take care of myself? How can I provide her with stability when I don't have it for myself?

I keep dreaming of a simple life and you know what really really reminded me of that? Watching Napoleon Dynamite. The biggest thing that guy had to worry about was going to school every day. And trying to find a suit for the high school dance.

I seem to remember my therapist trying to tell me something about conflict. When I had that terrible job. She said that the reason I couldn't really succeed at it was because it was in conflict with my values and things. I was fighting against giving poor people unemployment. Not something I could emotionally get behind and be passionate about. I think that, although I may not have realized it up front and center, taking D was really in conflict with my life at that time. I was finally starting to care for myself and take care of myself, and then I chose to put myself on the back burner once more. It was a mistake...because I had finally reached a point in my life where I believed it really was important to take care of myself, and I had reached a point where that was what I actually wanted...and then I just stopped. And the aftermath of that is what you see here... my weight ballooning up, my finances even more out of control.

The only thing that's going well is my job which, and this is so funny, was totally not going well at all during the time that I was actually taking care of myself! Or, wait...no that's not true. It was going decently at that time. I certainly had more energy for it, that's for sure.

It's weird, but writing in this blog actually is making me feel a little bit better about my situation...making me remember what that time in my life felt like.

It's funny, you know...most people who write blogs, from what I have seen, do not talk much about their personal lives, their tragedies and struggles, joys, etc. They talk about surface things, like their careers, or maybe even someone else's life...but not their own, really. Maybe because it's a little stupid to put all this out on the 'net...or maybe the stupidity of it, the lack of regard for whatever consequences may spring up, makes it daring more than anything else. But I hesitate to use the word daring to describe what I'm doing. LOL, I know BF would definitely term it 'stupid'.

My caveat with that, though, is the phrase, 'from what I've seen'. We already talked about me being from Nebraska and therefore, not necessarily seeing all that much lol. :)

It's Friday ---- YES!

Ok so let's check out my horoscope for today...

Sheila,
You may be more unyielding now than you realize and your ideas, however optimistic they may be, can be limiting your choices. You see the world through a fixed lens, making it difficult to adjust to the changing circumstances. Reevaluate your needs and new possibilities will appear that can alter the course you have chosen.

Hmmmm...I wonder what this is talking about. Oh hold on, gotta answer another wrong number call..."no this is not Geico! you fat-fingered knitwit." Actually I'm pretty nice to them, even after 3 years of taking these stupid calls.

ok back to the horoscope...could they be any more broad?

oh wait...got another Geico call...this person sounded put off by my vehement no when he asked if this was Geico after I answered the phone..."____ Corporation Sales and Marketing, this is ___, how can I help you?" HELLO! I just answered the phone _______ Corporation! Does that sound like Geico?

See why it's hard to wax philosophic at work? Because I'm too busy explaining to umpteen numbers of knuckleheads that this is not Geico! Forget the stupid horoscope!

oh wait, hey, I can put up links today! Crochet links and gossip links...links links links.

Every so often, I like to mix things up occasionally in my blog by actually posting. :)

Sooooooooo here goes nuttin..

Back with the BF LOL. Surprise surprise! Things are going well...

Phrecklette is going back to her mom soon. Good thing, because I gave my frickin notice. I am so tired of being screwed around by the system and being used by my sister. I have met some great foster parents that will provide Phrecklette a much better experience than I can.

But back to the point. My sister found an apartment in a nasty section of the city where some guy laid dead for a week with bar patrons stepping over his rotting corpse yet no one reported it. I'm so thrilled that my niece is going to live near such wonderful people. Yippy skippy. But in any case, that's still better than her living with my mom and dad, who are energy suckers in the extreme. If she can make a go of it, then I support her. And I pray to God she doesn't screw up again.

Work is the same. I am expanding my repertoire of skills and getting more assignments. Yay. :)

My weight has skyrocketed. Am I still the girl in that picture? Well my collarbones show a little bit and my hair is pretty much the same. I could also wear my makeup like that and pencil my eyebrows...but that shirt would now ride up to right under the twins. BF and I are going to work on losing weight together after Phrecklette goes home. I have had one hell of a time coping with raising her by myself.

will post more when I feel like it, not that anyone reads this. But what the heck. :) Oooooo...I need to put links to those awesome celeb gossip blogs that are out there right now. Sadly, I can't contribute because I live in the backward state where no one actually wants to visit. But hey! Henry Fonda lived here and went to my high school. John Wayne is from here too, as is Gerald Ford, Marg Helgenberger (her mom still lives here). Tommy Lee is from here and his sister still lives here. Well, not exactly a claim to fame, though I'm sure his sister is much classier than he is. :)

Alrighty, gotta go. Have a good night.

Just when you think

you have it all figured out,

You discover.....

that you're not even close.

So it is with me apparently.

I broke up with my boyfriend. For good. I thought I had it figured out that it was all me, me, me . It wasn't, though I am flaky to say the least. My mom is the one who finally talked some sense into me. I went home that night and broke it off. He has never returned. He contacted me once and I told him to screw off. No word since then. Which is what I wanted...isn't it?

Yes. I do want that. I feel better since he is gone, but there are some uncomfortable feelings.

After the breakup, I wanted to binge on Ben n Jerry's so badly. But I didn't. I wanted to drink, drink, drink...but I didn't. I felt all the crap feelings. I'm still feeling them. I won't say that I never have chips (trigger food for me). I won't say that I never drink (a slippy slope for me). I do. But I am aware and I am trying. That's all I can say about that.

My finances are screwed up again. I have to be more consistent. I need to develop some routines with regard to those. Or I will never reach my goals. I'll never be able to move out of that hole of an apartment.

April Update
Not sure if I told y'all that I told laBuddha about BF being back in my life or not but I did it. I had therapy one night and my therapist and I both agreed that it was something I needed to do. I think it has something to do with integrity, which is a concept that I am just now understanding at the ripe old age of 28. Hell, Mr. Wrong is going to be 34 this year in August and he still hasn't figured it out yet...

which is evident because he contacted me again. After I asked him not to after BF and I sent that letter to him. He emailed me the next day and asked why in a most pitiful email. I told him why -- that it smacks of dishonesty and I am not going to do that to another woman. I didn't say what I really thought, which was..."Look buddy, I am not going to become your Internet whore, k? Thanks but no thanks."

So anyway, he's busy being all friendly to me. I am not surprised he contacted me again. Part of me wanted him to, but at the same time, I am dismayed. I do not like the confusion that this brings with it. He said that us not being able to talk was 'dumb'. He told me that his girlfriend is pregnant and they are getting married in July on the 9th. And that the baby is due in October...which is funny because pregnancy tests in March showed negative. So he said. I think it is all a lie and I am not interested in being involved at all. Plus it messes with my head anyway, so that is not good for me.

So no contact between he and I is good...because I know it will lead to confusion, which is a euphemism for emotional cheating. Him having a girlfriend and possibly a baby on the way and me having a boyfriend did not stop either one of us from almost letting it start back up until BF helped me put the kaibosh on it...and then I reinforced that decision.

Things with BF are awesome to say the least. We have our rough patches...usually when I am not trusting him because I keep thinking he is going to turn into a demon or something. He doesn't deserve that though. On the whole though, we get along wonderfully. We are like two best friends. We will take our time and enjoy this time in our lives. They say cheaters cheat about every 2 years, so I think 2 years of courtship is a good, round number.

A funny thing about me...I find myself trying to be controlling with him while out in public...trying to show who's boss because I know he will not make a scene about it. Why do I feel compelled to perform before a crowd like that? It's insane. It's not how I really feel or what I really want. It's a lie. I have to be mindful of this problem...I have to make it stop, because it will eat at our relationship. And I will turn into a jerk. I did this with Michael -- or maybe a better way of saying that is that I learned it from Michael.

Whenever BF and I disagree about something, I sit and envision hitting him. I dearly would love to slap him or kick him or just basically physically hurt him. It is very scary to me...I don't want to be like that. I hold it in; I do not ever do that during a fight. Maybe when we are rough housing, but he knows I do not intend to hurt him and it is not a fear-filled, tension-filled situation.

I am watching the movie, Closer. It is awesome. BF would love it.

Anyway, back to LaBuddha. Well she decided I am not good enough for her so off with my head. I guess I am well rid of her, but you have to understand, I was closer to this woman than to my own mother. BF says that she is a codependent control freak and that is the MO of one of those. He has always said this about her...and he was right and I didn't want to see it. Even my therapist said so.

Well, K is asking who I am bringing with me to her son's wedding. I am afraid to break it to her. She will be pissed. She will claim she is hurt. It is so funny that she says all these things...she hardly ever shares details of her life with me.

I suppose I should be off to bed. :)

Friday Update
Was relieved because BF invited me on a 'secretive' date tonight so I can skip therapy. Rescheduled for far, far away.

I don't really want to see Therapist because I am weaning off Prozac and I think she'd disown me if she knew I was still seeing BF. So I don't want to lie about it; I mean what's the point of therapy if you do that?

Anyhoo...he is probably going to take me to a park and show me the planet Mercury, which will be visible with the naked eye tonight. I subscribed to SpaceWeather.com (www.spaceweather.com) so that's how I know. lol. He's trying to be all romantic so I won't spoil it. It's not nice to spoil your BF's proud efforts at being romantic, now is it. It'll be nice to be out of the house without Phrecklette, honestly.

I went to lunch with my friend who blasted me on Wednesday for not 'being there' for her after her surgery. Oh honey get a grip. Let's name her Kay...because she's from Kentucky. Ok so Kay and I go to lunch. We had a good time. She is a good person to keep in my life, but I am, quite honestly, infected with this 'who gives a rat's ass' attitude lately. I like being alone right now. I don't WANT to hang out with friends. I don't want to talk to people or go shopping or anything. Anyway, Kay hardly speaks, people. Not what you would call a party animal. But we have fun nonetheless. I do enough talking for 3 people anyway.

Man she would be pissed if she knew I was seeing BF again. But damnit, it's MY life. Yeah I know I shouldn't be avoiding confrontation by lying but damnit, what am I supposed to do?

These people all think they have a right to be pissed at me for the things I do, which do not harm them. It is because I depended on the approval of others for so long. I made myself vulnerable, know what I mean?

So the lunch was good, there was a huge sale going on right now at a high end department store. I found some nice clothes. A bunch of tops and some pants. That'll be nice -- right now I have one pair that I wear every day and haven't even washed yet. If anyone actually reads this insignificant blog this far, they will sit and wonder if La Phreckle could POSSIBLY be that nice looking chick on my profile. Well folks, that is me indeed.

Hmm...just got off the phone with him - he says we're most likely not going to be outside. MmmmmK.

Also he told me he had found my keylogger. Last night he was all acting like a victim of my invasion of his privacy. Hey got news for you, el creepo. Cheaters don't get privacy. Victims of your frickin cheating have a right to protect themselves. It just totally pisses me off that he thinks he's entitled to jack shit. After all, he was not the one wronged -- that was me.

Microdermabrasion is nice but honestly, it's not a miracle worker. Maybe I need to see how it looks on someone else. I dunno. Maybe I am not pressing hard enough or polishing long enough. Who knows. We'll see.

Thursday Update
Last night BF was with me and said I had a panic attack. I am going off Prozac and am tapering but you still get some withdrawals, I have heard. Well basically, I wanted to work on my crochet project, which I have become greatly involved with, and he wouldn't let me because he wanted my attention. For some reason, that really freaked me out. I HAD to look at that crochet project or I was going to explode. I felt like I absolutely had to.

Today I feel wiped out. He did end up keeping me up late last night. I hope he is not planning to come over tonight because I want to be alone, so no thanks.

He said my heart was racing last night and tried to get me to start smoking!!!! to combat that. I was like, NO PHUCKIN WAY.

So later on I will come back to this 'journal', look at these entries and think, wow, I should dump his ass. We'll see

For today: Acting with courtesy toward myself and other contributes much toward feeling good about myself, and enables me to share it with others.

Wednesday Update
It is Wednesday right? Wow, I can't believe half the week is gone already and it'll be Saturday very soon.

BF is coming over tonight after her kept me up an insanely long time last night. We were having fun kibbitzing back and forth. But gawd! Until 1am? Not good! He promises tonight not to keep me up late. I would prefer he just not come over at all. Harsh huh? But wtf. I want to be alone. Ya know? He made a play this morning to get to use my car today. No dice buddy. Offered to take Phrecklette to daycare and then go back to my place early to clean it up. I declined. No more married schit!

Had lunch with the boss today. Told her I thought she was awesome. No I was not sucking up. It is just the truth. It's hard to find a boss who knows how to treat people with such dignity, respect, and sense of worth. My boss has a good handle on all of those things. She responded in kind, saying that I have been a 'challenge' but that I have come a long way and she really respects how much I have improved. Yippy skippy. Basically, I am not leaving here until I hit my pay ceiling. lol Buuuuuut the cat is outta the bag. I confessed that I don't have much to do anymore with that new automated system in place. So I am sure I will get some new duties. Yippy skippy, not. : )

Well I'm outta here -- gotta go to Wal-Mart and get Phrecklette an Easter dress plus I need to get some little containers so I can demonstrate my Microderm set!!! :)

Tuesday Almost End of Day Update
Ok it's 5:11pm, I'm on phone duty, and have only 19 more minutes to go.

I'm pretty excited about getting off work tonight because I'm going to get my car back from BF!!! OMG he is NOT borrowing it next week. I hate driving his truck. I like my little car. That I scrimped and saved and slaved for and agonized over.

It's the first car owned solely by ME. I picked it out all by myself. It has no body damage that I can see and it's pretty clean. I love my little car.

Ok 2 more minutes have passed...now it's just 17 minutes til I can leave. Make that 12 minutes, because I think I will leave 5 minutes early because I have to put gas in the gas-sucking truck. :)

BF prolly thinks I am just a materialistic snob, but it's more like I just am more comfortable driving my own car! What's wrong with that? He doesn't even like his own truck, so I don't know why he'd feel like I was being snobby. Well who cares if he does think that? It's my frickin car.

I cannot believe how much everyone is going off about how this chick's emails don't wrap on this one group that I subscribe to. Can we all get a grip? Do we need 5 million emails to let us know that it's now wrapping and it's soooo much easier to read? I don't think so!!!

Ok now we're down to 10 minutes til I can leave. Wait, make that 9 minutes...the phone clock says it's 2 minutes later than the computer clock does. :)

I got rock star parking today too.

Gosh it is really too bad that I don't have anything more interesting to say lol. No one's commented on my blog yet. I bet the first comment on my blog will be totally bitchy, from someone going off about how I should use my extra time at work to help save the whales or something.

Tuesday Update

BF came over last night with Gnat. That child is sooo fat, so overfed, it's not even funny. And missing a lot of milestones that she should have done already for a 7 month old. She does not roll over, has no desire to try and support her own weight, lays there with her arms out all the time, will not hold up her own head very often. You can put her on her tummy all you like, but she will just turn her head to the side and lay it down. Ms. Whackjob has already started doing a serious number on her daughter.

Gnat is way way underdeveloped mentally too. She's just all around way behind.

Anyway, I got my baby fix. Got to hold the baby, feed her, and change her. :) Fun :)

Friday Update
It's payday!!!! Thank God! I was so broke. Now I am flush. Woohoo!!!

Called Mr. T yesterday at BF's insistence and told him about Irritato's over-friendly habits. He confided to me that yes, Irritato is over-friendly, yet harmless, also that Irritato is married with a family but has confided to Mr. T that he has a few girlfriends. Well I am not going to be girlfriend number 4. Irritato hasn't been up to bother me lately, so I am happy about that.

But I still need the hole in my ceiling fixed in my bathroom. I'm thinking about telling Mr. T that if it's not done next week, I will have it fixed myself and take the money off the bill while providing him with a receipt.

Hmmm...I actually feel like putting on makeup today. Will do that after I'm done working on my Blog.

Told la Buddha about my blog and she naturally asked if she could have access to it. I naturally said no. She naturally backed right off.

I couldn't resist telling Twiggy about my encounter with Adminzilla yesterday. She loved it. Man, Twiggy really lives on drama and that's pretty contemptible. But I better not say that too loudly -- because I sometimes live on drama too.

Some chick posted on my single parents group that her son's dad sent him a card and she sent it back without letting her son see it. From her other posts, I can see she is a drama queen and that she loves the drama with her son's dad. Anything to hurt her son's dad. Still pissed at him for cheating on her and leaving her. I will get reamed for it, but I posted that I thought it was wrong. If Phrecklette's dad wanted to send Phrecklette a card, I would totally give it to her and I would keep it forever for her. If Phrecklette's dad or mom wanted to see her, I would let them. Why not? You can't protect kids from that. They are going to grow up and the truth is going to come out. It's better and healthier not to live with lies or half-truths (which are really half-lies). You just can't protect them from everything.

This reminds me of Janwitch trying to protect her son from knowing that he has a sister, who is Phrecklette. Well I am not going to be involved in that concealment. Tell the truth and let the chips fall where they may.

BF came over last night and one thing led to another...and it felt ok at the time, but I do not want to be intimate with him like that all the time. It sure seems to me like he is a lot more interested in coming over to my house and hanging out with me when he thinks he can get some. The reason he came over last night was to fix the hook and eye on my door, though, so I'm not going to level that charge at him yet. I want to make sure I'm right.

He's supposed to come over tonight and actually fix it since his fix from last night did not work -- surprise surprise. He is not the most talented handyman on the planet, that is for sure. I'm thinking about telling him that I'll fix it myself. After all, though he is not very talented, I am. :)

I figured out last night that I was doing my little flowers wrong when I joined them to eachother. Damnit. That's ok. Now that I know exactly what to do, it'll be no problem. :) I can't wait to go to lunch so I can crochet a few more clusters. :) I love learning new things.

Thursday Update
Phrecklette had her appt with the psychiatrist yesterday, who detected that she could have some speech problems. I'll be calling the public school people to get that worked on.

Picking Phrecklette up from la Petite yesterday at naptime was awesome. There she was, all snuggled up in her blankie that I made for her, and there was classical music playing and it was just serene. All these little children and babies snuggled up sleeping. Wow, how peaceful.

Last night BF came over and things were good. Not going any further than that.

Today has started out ok. I woke up with Phrecklette in my bed, unexpectedly. That was ok, but she was going off about how I'm not the boss of her and she really didn't want to do a damn thing I said. But we managed to get off to school and to work, and I managed to be on time again. So that was good.

I was helping Adminzilla with something - some firedrill for the COO - today and she pissed me off royally. I was telling her how to do something and she goes, I really don't appreciate the way you're talking to me here Sheila. It's very degrading. At first I didn't know what to say. I vacillated between telling her to bloody figure it out herself and phuck off, and taking her head off. I finally dropped the pen I was holding on her desk after I collected my thoughts and I just said, "Don't you ever talk to me like that again. I didn't say one damn degrading thing and it's very offensive that you would ever think that about me." And man she apologized right then and there and is now feeling guilty. She actually gets embarrassed because she doesn't know every bloody thing there is to know about PowerPoint. I tried to tell her that there is no reason to be embarrassed, that her computer skills are about 10x better than her boss's anyway, and that we are all learning here.

There's no reason to be embarrassed about not knowing how to do something on the computer -- no one knows how to do things until someone teaches them. After all, it's not moral turpitude or something that has caused you to not know something. No one knows everything.

In any case, she apologized up and down for it and I accepted her apology. After all, we all know that her self esteem is in the shitter because some creep destroyed it. I'm not sure if she's in counseling or not, but it wouldn't hurt.

So many people are get themselves all confused and worked up because they're afraid of what other people will think. I do it too. Well we need to stop. Pick what personality characteristic is really important to you to work on projecting, and don't stress about the rest. Try to know that it will all come together one day and that you are a work in progress.

As I am feeling charitable today, I have decided not to be gossipy and to keep this to myself. After all, she did make satisfactory amends, so it seems really terrible to vent this to anyone in the office, although it still bothers me. Well today is lunch with la Buddha, so I will just vent to her. But I don't want to hurt Adminzilla's reputation.

Quote of the Day

How do your current goals help you with your OVERALL vision of life? Do you have
a vision? If not, simply take time this evening to dream about how you want your
life to be. Then, come up with 5 specific goals that will help your vision
become true.

Interpretation of Quote

A New Irritation with BF
So BF calls me today. He was supposed to go over to my apartment and drill out a hole to use for the old-school deadbolt that is in my front door. That way, Irritato, who now has a key to my front door, will not be able to get in my apartment at night when I am sleeping and helpless. Well I forgot to leave the door open.

We're talking and he suggests that he come up and get the key from me while he is applying for a job at a hospital nearby, which I poo-poo because I am leaving at 1pm to take Phrecklette to her evaluation with Dr. Louisa today. Well BF is totally against Phrecklette having any counselling at all. He thinks it's unnecessary because she is only 4. But you know what...just because a 4 yr old doesn't understand intellectually what is going on around her while she's being abused and neglected, that doesn't mean that she doesn't feel the effects. The bottom line is that BF just doesn't believe in therapy...for anyone. Me, him, Phrecklette, whatever. Soooo when he finds this out, he's like, Please, honey, don't subject her to that, blah blah. I have another one of those moments where I'm like totally pissed for some reason but I can't put my finger on it. Basically, I feel that he has no say in the matter. He goes on that I need to make sure that I am doing this for Phrecklette and not for me; basically, I need to make sure it is all about Phrecklette.

Well guess what buddy. I know you haven't necessarily suffered abuse and neglect, but it phucks you up for life. It takes a long time to figure out that you're worth anything when your mom and dad obviously could not figure out that you were worth taking care of. Depression runs in our family and it's important to get help for this child before it hits. Hopefully, we'll get lucky and it won't hit at all. But if it does, you do not want this little girl self-medicating. What would be self-medicating, you may ask? That would be doing drugs, alcohol, eating too much, shopping too much -- basically no moderation on the activity that produces the emotional effect of your choice -- whether that is euphoria, numbness, or distraction. Sometimes it's a combination of things.

He just really ruffled my feathers with that one, because I feel that he doesn't know what the phuck he's talking about, and he is intruding on my territory...I feel like this is my bloody decision and I am doing what's best for Phrecklette.

I guess that kinda speaks to one of the stumbling blocks of our relationship -- that we have very different views on raising children. His views are very old-school. Mine are a combination of old-school and what works without shaming the kid. I feel like what we do as parents can affect that kid's personality for life, and we need to make sure we are neither too permissive nor too disciplinarian. It must all be balanced. Naturally, I feel that my style is more balanced than his.

It is just amazing to me how people can be raised differently, but how stimuli affects people in very predictable ways. It amazes me how much you can tell about how someone was raised by the way they act. And I am talking about indicators that go beyond whether someone is naughty or nice. You can tell that BF was raised with someone in that family as an alcoholic. He's avoided many of the effects, but there are some definite markers in his family. His sister married 2 abusive men, is mui codpendent, and has hardly ever been without a boyfriend. His dad is always drinking beer and his complexion is redder than a tomato. BF himself abused his first wife...and I know he is working on it. And although it's not apparent at first, there are indicators that BF's brother is at least verbally and mentally abusive to his children and to his wife. BF definitely needs to figure this crap out before he and I ever get even close to getting married. I don't want my children turning out phucked up.

His parents were definitely more higly-functioning than mine, having bought 2 houses and having actually been able to retire, but there are some of the very same problems present and accounted for. They did a better job of raising their kids -- their daughter owns her own business and is high-functioning, BF's brother owns a house, has 3 kids, and holds down a steady job. BF manages his money ok and holds down a steady job. So the kids turned out semi-alright. But their personal lives are very screwed up. It's really pretty fascinating how human behavior works.

Adminzilla Update
Who is Adminzilla? Well, she is the control freak who was hired to be the exec assistant to our EVP and couple other VPs in our department.

She's basically pissed everyone off at one time or another, including me. I think she doesn't realize that you have to keep good relationships with the people around you at your job...because those aren't just 'people'...they're resources. They are people whose help you are going to need at some point.

Anyway, Adminzilla flipped out on me right before Christmas or New Year's because I didn't take some stupid tray back downstairs after a client visit. She acted like the cleaning people were going to make off with it. It was kinda funny, in retrospect. But she even had the audacity to get in my face about it, and I had to tell her, Look dear, it's not that big a deal. And she made it sound like my supervisor thought that it was and I was afraid she was going to tattle to my sup. That's the cornerstone experience that I am building my working relationship around with her. ie...I'm treading lightly and avoiding her as much as possible...and I'm considering the source of everything she says and does.

Twiggy has a total vendetta against her and loves to drum up drama about her. There was a client visit this morning for one of the 19 directors that I support and so I was naturally going to handle it. But the thing is that 2 of the VPs that Adminzilla supports were involved, so she was having a control conniption. This is where 5 years of therapy comes in. When someone is having a control problem and it's not really that important that you maintain control over whatever it is, then just cede control. You will feel so much better and so will she. So that's what I did. She took over and that was that. I do zillions of client visits a year and I'm not thrilled with that part of my job, so letting someone else do it is just fine with me.

But Twiggy was in full drama mode and was enjoying gossiping against her, so whatever. I just listened and whatnot, in the interest of maintaining an ok relationship with Twiggy and not making myself become a subject of her gossiping any more than I already am. She gossips about everyone, so I just shrug it off and try to avoid talking to her any more than is necessary to maintain an ok relationship with her.

My turn to play psychologist: I think that Adminzilla's control issues stem from the abusive marriage that she was in for years and years and the endless criticism that she endured. She is terrified of making a mistake or doing anything to earn her any more criticism. She confided to me that her exH had her feeling so bad about herself that she could not look in the mirror. Knowing that and understanding that about her allows me to shrug off a lot. Thanks Therapist!

Wednesday Update:

Today is Phrecklette's appointment with Dr. Louisa -- the supervising psychiatrist in her therapist's office. Yippy skippy. This means more lost hours for me.

Checking account was in the red this morning when I awakened...I rescued it from collapse by transfusing $14.00 into it...more yippy skippy. Payday is only 2 days away. Thank God. Accoring to my MS Money software, I'm about $38 in the hole. Oh dear...I think I fell off the budgeting bandwagon...time to climb back on.

I had a nice talk with BF last night. I talked about how he is the only person encouraging me to be myself. I am so afraid to cede control in the smallest way to anyone else, honestly. The idea of actually taking a suggestion of his is loaded with fear, in my mind. It's like if I do that, I will be letting him have control over me, or admitting something that I don't want to admit. I only have this problem with men. And only, really, since I had that nightmare of a marriage to my exH.

Speaking of my ex-marriage, I sometimes have regrets about leaving the marriage, and I wonder if I was the problem...but I know that I have to try and remember that I was not the problem, I was just a part of it. And I was the part that was trying to fix itself, while the other part of the problem was saying there was nothing wrong with him. I remember how, at the beginning of the marriage, he was always criticizing me over everything I did and yelling at me left and right...watching the food I ate, controlling where I went and what I did. How he never cut the apron strings from his mom and how she was always in our life way too much. I have to keep remembering things, because something in me keeps rearing its ugly head and telling me that it was all my fault. My therapist says that my exH will never have a successful relationship, and I have to keep remembering why.

I noticed that BF is keeping his distance. I think he is trying to help me. He is trying to help me make sure that we are getting back together for the right reasons -- not just because I hate being alone. Last night I was having a depressing evening -- just feeling like crap. I got on the phone with him, and he made me feel a lot better. He is the last person I talk to before I go to sleep at night. I'm glad that I have him to talk to. Our relationship is a lot better with no sex involved, I am noticing. I sent him an email about it this morning...

I really enjoyed our talk last night. Thank you so much for the encouragement. I'm so thankful that you are in my corner, giving me honest feedback. I don't know why I am so afraid sometimes to take your suggestions…I don't have that problem with any of my girlfriends…it's like if I admit that you are right about anything, then I will be giving up a part of me. I remember when I was married before…when I first got married, I was very amenable to compromise.
But as time went on, he made me feel so bad about myself that the only way I could preserve my identity is by resisting anything he said or suggested. I think that that is lingering in my new relationships.

I am really glad that we are just taking our time and that you are keeping your distance. Sometimes it doesn't feel so hot to have all this time to myself, but I think you know what is good for me. And I think our relationship is developing better now that there is no messing around going on. Because it is developing in different, more creative, and more lasting ways.

So that's the skinny on our relationship.

Today's Quote to Ponder:

We all get report cards in many different ways, but the real excitement of what you're doing is in the doing of it. It's not what you're gonna get in the end - it's not the final curtain - it's really in the doing it, and loving what I'm doing.
-- Designer Ralph Lauren

So the natural question that follows that quote is: What do I love to do? What makes me feel really good?

I love taking care of Phrecklette. Helping a child grow up, and teaching them things, and watching them learn how to be a good person, is SO fulfilling. Helping other people is so fulfilling. I love doing MK, it's so much fun when I am working it. But having your own business is a lot of work...it's very hard to compartmentalize it when you're done working it at the end of the day. It's not like leaving your office job...you leave that job and you don't think about it for the rest of the night -- because you know it will be there when you come back the next morning.

I love being creative. Working on my little crochet projects, etc. Finding bargains is a ton of fun.

But the thing that is the absolute most rewarding thing is helping someone else. It helps me in return. That's where I get the most satisfaction. Watching Deirdre grow and learn. I was talking to Mama L (my friend with 6 kids) yesterday and we were talking about how, if you're going to do raising a family right, then you really don't have time for anything else. You really don't have time to work a job. You don't have time to work a Mary Kay business. If you're going to do it right, that is. She's pretty dissatisfied with her director. I'm not surprised, since her director is a total bitch. I've never liked her. There's just something 'off' about her. Her director is all about MK and is not interested in Mama L's life at all.

On My Mary Kay Pulpit...
Well that's not too surprising. Your director in MK is not going to be your best friend. She has a business to run and you are part of that business. So there are boundaries there. The problem is that when Mama L's director recruited her, she made it sound like they were going to be 'best friends' and stuff. She misrepresented, sort of. Friendships like that can be made in MK, but you are not going to be friends that closely with just anyone. You are not going to have true friendships left and right -- the friends in MK are, for the most part, going to be 'business friends'. You will meet quality people, but as at any job, not every quality person you meet is going to become a close personal friend whom you can lean on and who will respect your choices.

Mary Kay is awesome for women. You need that sort of positive influence in your life. But the challenge that many people face is 'keeping it real'. ie...don't become fakey. My director is still authentic. She's down-to-earth and you know where you stand with her. She has that ability to really treat everyone with grace and she knows where her energies are best focused.

Tuesday Update

Well tonight is my MK meeting. I'm not going. This is in spite of a direct order from La Buddha, who is getting on my nerves because of her tendency to be controlling.

I am noticing the controlling aspect of her personality more since BF pointed it out. Really, she is pretty controlling. But I am someone who needs some of that. I am someone who sometimes needs a kick in the ass. Even so, when she gets to telling me that 'the expectation' (ie her expectation) is that I will never speak to BF again, that is getting to be a bit much.

I have learned that she should only be consulted on practical matters -- like ideas for budgeting, what should my next step be on this, how should I go about making more friends, how and where should I go about volunteering, how to decorate my apartment, how to manage my time better, things to do around town that are creative, resources for this or that. You get the idea. When she tries to talk to me about BF or things like that, I don't cut her off, because that would be rude, but I do answer the question, and then I change the subject. I have decided that if she does not want to be a true friend, which I would define as someone who can still be your friend even though you have different opinions and you choose to do different things that are not harmful to your friends but which may be harmful to you, then I am not going to share with her things that I would normally share with a girlfriend.

Furthermore, I'm just not sharing that stuff with anyone, really. Sometimes it's hard to keep my mouth shut, but I really think it is better than wearing my heart on my sleeve because when you wear it like that, everyone thinks they have the right to intrude...and guess what? They do have that right. You've given it to them. You've opened the door, so to speak.

All of this introspection ties into the thought of the day from www.morningmantra.com. Here it is:

Externally driven people care a lot about what people think of them, looking good, saying the right thing and being accepted. They are constantly at the whim of outside forces and rarely feel peaceful or authentic. WHO CARES if someone thinks you are weird , dress funny or have an odd idea? Be internally driven and care most about what YOU think of you. Please yourself, not everyone else in the world.

Alrighty then. It pleases me to live, right now, in an old Victorian building. Right now, it pleases me to focus my life on taking care of Niece so I can feel good about what I'm accomplishing with her, and so I can fulfill my duty to her. It pleases me to date BF. It pleases me to sew, to crochet, to hang out on the 'Net sometimes, and to enjoy the weather when it's nice out. It pleases me to wean myself off Prozac. BF is about the only person who thinks I should do what I want in this regard. Many things please me that other people in my life may not like. Well, too bad for them.

They are constantly at the whim of outside forces and rarely feel peaceful or authentic.

No wonder I don't have much peace. I am too busy worrying about what La Buddha is going to think, or what my therapist is going to think, or what BF is going to think, or what this board that I'm on is going to think. Normal people who haven't been in therapy this long do not think this way.

What do *I* think of me?
I think I'm doing ok. Especially considering where I came from in my life. I think I will evolve as years pass and that I am doing the best that I can right now. Every day I will learn more and I am open to that. I am excited about it.

One thing I've learned is that if I am associated with someone who gets on my nerves, to just cut them off. Like, at work, the receptionist used to really get on my nerves. I'm her counterpart. We'll just call her Twiggy, because she's mui skinny lol. Although baby does have back lol. So Twiggy used to seriously get on my nerves. Now I just don't talk to her unless I must. We get along great.

I was on this board talking about getting off Prozac and it totally wasn't a healthy place to be. So I unsubscribed and wrote that off. I was on a single-parents board and the owner of the list got on my nerves because she was trying to shove BS down everyone's throat. So I left. When people are being truly toxic, I think about whether I can help them. But if I can't, and if it's more aggravation than it's worth, I just write them off. I know that sounds terrible. But believe me, you could spend all your energy and all your time trying to help someone and you will know if you are being listened to or not. And if you're not being listened to, then you are wasting your breath. Well, I'm tired of wasting my breath. If someone wants help and they want to listen, then I will help them. But if they are just toxic and they're not in the self-improvement groove at all, then I know that I don't have the resources to help them and they would best be served by someone else who does. :) So I just free them to find that person. : ) See?

And I think my blog is an excellent place for me to talk about what I'm learning.

Weekend Update

Friday -- Sat at home, went to bed early.
Saturday -- Phrecklette woke me up around 7am, I refused to get out of bed. Her revenge for said neglect? Spread raisinbran all over the floor in the living room. I get out of bed around 8am, clean up raisin bran, and we're out the door by 11 to go have brakes worked on.

Off we motor to BF's sister's house, where BF's sister's BF (wow that's confusing) replaces pads and rotors. But not without us getting the wrong parts twice because yours truly didn't know what year her own car was made. After many barbs aimed at my stupidity for that one, BF's sister and her boyfriend babysite Phrecklette whilst we go out doing karaoke. This was a lot of fun. NOTE TO SELF: BF is incredibly bad at karaoke. Oh. My. God. I did a good job of pretending I didn't know him. I did ok...I sang two songs -- but I only remember one: Blame it on Your Heart by Patty Loveless.

Sunday -- We get up and off we motor to Sista Phreckle's house where we see that Sista Phreckle looks dramatically different with her hair cut and permed. She seems to have awakened from a long slumber. She was more assertive and had bathed recently, which is a bit of a change from Sista Phreckle's usual modus operandi. Welllllll we went to breakfast at the TA (being trucker's daughters). Phrecklette was so happy to have her mommy near her. I now have faith that Phrecklette might actually be ok with Sista Phreckle. We will see.

Off we motor to the Goodwill after that, where Sista Phreckle buys a bunch of clothes for Phrecklette. Tons of size 5 pants. You can never have enough, fyi. I get some candle holders, Sista Phreckle gets some books.

Back to Mom and Dad's house we go, where we finalize Sista Phreckle's MK order...which comes out to $800.00. : ) Rock on. She pays in cash. I deposit $700 and keep $100, which I end up giving to the landlord. Phrecklette goes off with Sista Phreckle, Phrecklette's half-brother, and Janwitch to dinner.

(NOTE: New code name: Janwitch -- my sister's best friend who ran off with Phrecklette's dad while Sista Phreckle was 3 months pg...WHORE.)

After receiving a call from Irritato, I go and pay him $100 toward rent. His apartment is a digusting mess. Evidently, he feels the need to explain why it's a disgusting mess after I leave, because he calls me to chit chat about it while I am at the grocery store. And to ask me once again if he can 'kidnap' me...ie -- go out with me and/or me and Phrecklette. I put him off once more by stating that I don't know him very well and I don't go out with people I don't know. It's getting harder to put this guy off, because he is becoming more insistent -- ie, he's bringing it up more and more often. Christ.

Whilst at the store gathering ice cream and tortilla chips for the Oscar Night binge, I see my dad and Phrecklette. He hands Phrecklette off to me and we go home. Phrecklette hops in the tub. She goes to bed at 7pm tonight, instead of 8pm. But, hey, she's happy about it and so am I, so how is that a problem? It's not...and the Oscars start at 8pm.

Soooo I commence my feast and watch the Oscars. The coolest moment was when Beyonce sang that French song -- her technique, range, and talent made me want to take voice again with Alexandra. It was sooooooo magnificent. Her trills were perfect and she had absolute control over her voice. Amazing.

So I watched the Princess Diaries, Royal Engagement. Great movie, but it made me feel mui lonely because...well...because I was alone. I reflected on the fact that, more than anything, with BF or anyone, I am afraid to let myself really 'fall' in love with anyone. Because I am going to get hurt, and man you sure are opening yourself up. My relationship with B did nothing to help with this problem...actually, did I really have this problem prior to my involvement with B? Not sure.

Am beginning to think that BF really is a guy who is just fine and I am the problem. He seems to want the best for me...to work on my problems alone and face my life. Maybe I really have a hard time listening to him simply because he is male and I have always had a hard time listening to men.

I eat way too much whilst watching TV and am so incredibly bloated that I try to get myself to vomit a little to ease the damn pressure. Well that doesn't work, because there's nothing in my pouch. By the time I get to my bed around 11pm, I am almost comatose lol.

Thursday is Lunch with La Buddha Day
Not to mention taco salad day. Man that was awesome.

La Buddha and I had a good lunch. She encouraged me to fill up my spare time with volunteer work. See why this woman is good for me?

She did profess disappointment that I had ever spoken to BF again after what happened that night, and I can understand why. Man, she would be seriously ticked if she knew I was still seeing him here and there. I'm pretty sure she would write me off as toxic.

Is La Buddha a friend? No, she is not. Is that bad? No, it is not. La Buddha is a life coach, a mentor. We like each other as people, but we are not friends, per say. We do not 'hang out' together. I don't see La Buddha's 'at-rest' personality...I see her business persona. When she is with me, she is not the same person that she is with her true friends.

La Buddha has the life that I would like to have, except for a couple of things. I would like to have children. A couple of them, to be exact. La Buddha is very career-oriented. I'm not. I am very family-oriented. I asked her once why she never had children. She said, because I wanted certain things out of life, and I knew I would not get those things if I had children. Good for you.

But that's not for me. I do want a family. But I also want to travel and learn and all those things, and I think that I can have those things, even if I do have a family. Why not? They can't come along?

That's part of the reason that BF thinks I should not associate with La Buddha -- because her goals in life are different than mine. But I disagree. La Buddha is not trying to get me to espouse her goals; she's helping me to figure out my goals and figure out how to get there. And she's been very successful with that. Bottom line is that La Buddha doesn't do any harm to my life -- she helps enrich my life.

I can't say that for BF, on the other hand. He has very much harmed my life in the past.

He charmed me into trusting him, then when I was about to let myself fall the rest of the way, I found out that he cheated on me with Ms. Whackjob. That was seriously harmful.

The worst la Buddha has ever done is gotten pissed at me for letting my car get repo'd. But that really is the worst. That's not nearly as much as BF hurt me. So who's more toxic? The answer is not la Buddha.

Volunteering
So I went to United Way's website and got a list of things I can volunteer for. :) I'm kind of excited about really looking through it and doing some work. Getting out there and meeting new people. la Buddha knows that that is definitely something I need to do.

Ok so I thought I could stand BF but now he's getting on my nerves
He is trying to tell me I should get rid of la Buddha again. So tired of people thinking they can run my life. I really put myself in this position by asking everyone and their brother for advice when I was feeling pretty down on myself (course, who's saying I have great self-esteem to begin with?). So now all these people think they can weigh in on my life and if I don't take their advice, they get pissed.

Now I am not known for making great decisions, and my track record really calls my judgment into question, so I can see why so many people feel compelled to 'take care of me'. But now I want to break away from that...I want to make decisions for myself.

Can anyone tell me that this scenario has ever actually worked to modify someone's behavior? Friend A talks to Friend B about a problem she has. Friend B offers advice, knowing Friend A tends to make the wrong decision. A decides to go her own way and not take B's advice. Now B is pissed. But does B being pissed make A change her tune next time? No, it doesn't. It makes A learn that she shouldn't tell B about her troubles, because if she doesn't take B's advice, then B will just get pissed, which will cause yet another problem for A to contend with.

BF Also Thinks the Blog is Stupid
BF also thinks my blog is a bad idea. I disagree. I've code-worded the name of all my friends -- the only person who wasn't code-worded was Mr. Wrong...and he is not even in the same state as I or my friends and relatives. So I can be as frank as I want and not really worry.

After today, it looks like BF may become history. Stay tuned...

Movie Review: White Noise
This movie was awesome. What I couldn't figure out, though, is why they had Michael Keaton wearing the same oatmeal sweater so many times. But it sure creeped me out. I slept with the light on last night lol. I almost had Phrecklette come sleep with me but I figured she shouldn't have to endure her foster mom's weakness lol. I went to the movie with CoDeP...just adore her. We had such a fun time and laughed our asses off.

Night Out with CoDeP
First we had dinner at TGIFriday's, where she works. We started off with mudslides that that cute bartender (love those college boys) made with a little extra liquor lol. Then we had appetizers and dinner...I ate all my dinner, despite my lap-band and an overly large portion too. Then I also ate my cheesecake. I really ate like a little piggy. Then we went to the dollar theater and that's where we saw White Noise. CoDeP was not freaked out at all, but I was totally freaked. But what's really freaky about that...I also had nachos. God, those $3.75 nachos sucked.

Since I have never been to a prom nor have I been up close and personal with anyone ever wearing a beautiful expensive dress, I asked CoDeP if she would please try on a dress for me so I can see what a normal person looks like in one of those things. She is a size 5. So she tried one one and it was sooooooooo pretty. Made me wish I were thinner. Man we had so much fun last night.

Coming to Realize that I am No One to Mr. Wrong Now
When I was at the height of my 'relationship' with Mr. Wrong, we used to email every day. But then it started getting boring for him, I think. Well now that his life is hunky-dory, he pretty much has stopped communicating with me altogether. Says he is almost never online anymore. Apparently, he almost never thinks of me either, because he doesn't pick up the phone either. Why I am consumed with getting to know who that guy really is is beyond me...I just want to know once and for all who he really is and whether he was a big fat liar or not. Am I a psycho stalker person? No...I'm just really curious. It's hard to accept that I am really no one to him now. But I guess that is a decision I am going to have to make.

Accepting things really is a decision to change your thinking and I need to make that decision.

Today's Positive Quote

Waste your money and you're only out of money, but waste your time and you've lost part of your life.

-- Michael Leboeuf

How true. How much time did I waste with Mr. Wrong? Let's seeeeeee....hours and hours per day for about 18 months.

What else could I have done with that time?
- exercised
- made real friends
- read books
- kept better track of my finances
- explored my city
- filed for BK sooner so I could save more money
- not lost my friend, Shannon by ignoring her.
- worked on my sanity
- not cried so much

Action:
He is gone from my life and I have to stop contacting him.
It's a decision I have to make and then stick to.
I can do it.
I don't need him in my life.
I will delete his emails, both to me and from me.
I will delete his ph# from my phone.
I will erase him from my yahoo instant messenger lists.
I will erase him from my AOL instant messenger list.
When I start thinking about him, I will change the subject of my thoughts and think about something more constructive.

What I Have Done Today to Help Reach My Goals:
1. Found out correct routing number for savings account.
2. Filled out direct deposit form to deposit requisite amount into savings.

Goal for Today
Figure out budget and management for next pay period.

Many Things to Think About
I don't understand why so many people are so concerned about my decisions. I don't understand why they all care so much.

BF thinks I should get rid of la Buddha. la Buddha and Therapist think I should get rid of BF. I don't see why any of them should go. Although la Buddha is very codependent and tends to be a little passive-aggressively controlling, I can handle her. Therapist has her place too. BF seems like a normal, every day guy who has made some mistakes. What none of these people seem willing to do is let me find my own way...maybe all three need to go.

Maybe I am getting tired of being psycho therapized. : )

Rude Frickin People

Ok kids, please remember that it's rude to:
- whisper around others -- MJ likes to come up to the front of the office and whisper about people with Christine. OMG. Maybe I'm just paranoid, but is there some reason she doesn't feel like sharing this information with everyone else?
- CHEW ON THE FRICKIN phone -- one of the people that I work with does this and she drives me nuts. It sounds so frickin gross.

Leaving Work Early Today...
Phrecklette's counselling appointment today is cancelled. But I'm still gonna blow this popsicle stand early. Why you may ask? Because I can. Because I'm so bored.

Something that someone told me once when I used to sign up for early dismissal at Greyhound even though I was dirt poor and it was unpaid time off is this: You can always make more money. But you can't make more time.

Guess that's become my philosophy. I would rather leave and feel the sunshine and go for a walk with Phrecklette around my neighborhood than stay here for one extra second. : )

Today's Goals:
1. Call bank and get correct routing number for savings account.
2. Fill out direct deposit form and send to payroll department.
3. Balance checkbook when I get home; figure out budget for next payday.

"The victory of success is half won when one gains the habit of setting goals and achieving them. Even the most tedious chore will become endurable as you parade through each day convinced that every task, no matter how menial or boring, brings you closer to achieving your dreams." Og Mandino

This is the thought of the day from morningmantra.com. I highly encourage you to subscribe.

Ok, setting goals and achieving them. The most tedious chores will become endurable...meaning will be imbued into filling out my damn direct deposit form, calling the bank and getting my routing number for my savings account, etc. because I will be working toward my dream of owning a house by getting automatic deposit made into my savings account. Figuring out my budget will help me stay focused.

So BOARD....

I belong to something like 12 different groups on Yahoo. Love it. Gives me something to do when I have run out of work. Or when the work I have could be completed in 5 minutes and it's incredibly boring work to begin with. So let's see what the topic du jour is on each board....

Mary Kay Tools -- Unit names. Actually, it's tax season. Guess no one's paying attention to my Unit Name email -- the one that asked if I should call my unit Nelson's No-Getters. :)

Interior Decorating -- I think I shouldn't have joined this board. My passion is Shabby Chic, not someone's Decorating Cents ideas of how they can get that Asian look with bamboo placemats tacked onto their walls.

Infidelity Survivors -- That pregnant woman that got murdered by her conniving, evil Married Man in Texas. Did she deserve it...and do the OWs (other women) of the board members' husbands deserve death? Consensus is no, they dont, but that doesn't mean that the majority of the board members don't wish it on them. Still waiting for the Board Oracle-in-Residence, wife of a wealthy attorney, to chime in. It's amazing how many of these women are stay at home moms or wives of professionals.

Posted to the resident computer expert about how can I find out more about Mr. Wrong (Brandon), the Internet Creep. All I have are his cell ph#, several yahoo IDs, several AOL IDs and email addresses, his first and last name, and the name of the town he lives in. Plus the names and ages of his two children and their mom's first name. Plus his siblings' names, parents' names, names of some of his siblings' children, occupation of one of his sisters....but none of these pieces of information can really lead to anything. I don't think he gave me his real last name, either. More on my theories about Mr. Wrong later.

Bankruptcy Talk -- much talk is going around about the bankruptcy 'reform' act. Folks, this should not be passed. If this is passed, average Joes are going to be hurt. 50% of folks who file for BK do so because of medical bills. I am not one of these; I filed after my divorce. But basically this is being done by credit card companies and lenders...and the really big lenders and credit card issuers are the ones that are predatory, ie MBNA, Capital One, and I forget who else. Those are a couple of the big ones.

You may ask why this is happening -- well it's because bankruptcy is no longer the financial death it used to be. You can get credit after bankruptcy. You can get a *house* after a bankruptcy, if you stay on top of your payments and all.

Bottom line, the jerks like Ms. Whackjob (who filed BK after running up her credit card bills, getting whatever she wanted, and having expensive cosmetic surgery) who use BK as a financial planning tool, are ruining it for people like me, who find themselves divorced with a shitty car, no resources, and having to do serious adjustment to live on their own income, having never lived by themselves before in their lives. Oh yeah, and no financial tutelage growing up either. Mom and Dad stillllllllll rent.

Shabby Chic -- Old Green Enamel paint color by Martha Stewart. I think I am going to go get that 40's-looking dresser that I saw at the St. Vincent de Paul thrift store the other day. It's only $20 and the mirror comes with it. Well made and solid, finishes on it aren't too bad. Just needs a little TLC and I bet I can do it.

Booklist -- Books I should Read

Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay
Forgiving the Unforgivable
How To Fall Out Of
Love: How To Free Yourself Of Love That Hurts--And Find Love That
Heals

These books have to do with relationships, which appear to be my downfall. :)

Bullet Dodged. But Suspicions Persist.

Phrecklette didn't say anything tonight at my friend's house...but I can tell she suspects something. She kept asking me about BF to gauge my reaction. I felt bad lying to her, but only because I think she knew I was lying. But in another sense, I didn't feel bad -- because it's my life and none of her business and she should let me figure it out myself. I know she's invested a lot in me, but I have to find my own way.

In some ways, I wish I could say that I had not been in contact with BF. Now we're even saying ILY again...not just him, but me too. But I feel like I've got to force it out of my mouth sometimes...that I don't really want to say it. I feel like saying ILY is a surrender of sorts, a declaration that 'you've got me now' and you don't have to do any more work. I have given myself an escape hatch, which is that he must do the 'work' he's supposed to be doing...seeing a counselor for his problems. He hasn't done that yet. So much remains to be seen.

But does it really remain to be seen? I'm forcing myself to settle and I feel that. Oh relationships are such a pain in the ass. Is this even worth it?

As long as he stays at arm's-length, we do great. It's like regular dating again, not playing house like what we were doing before. I'm glad it's changed. What we were doing before had a comfort level to it, but I knew something was amiss, not the obvious things -- but the advanced level of the relationship in comparison to its age.

Another thing -- Phrecklette is doing so much better without him around. My God, her behavior has improved about 150%. MUCH better. Must be easier when you don't have a fuckin drill sergeant around and you're only 4. She had to go to the naughty chair tonight, but I could tell that my friend (hmmm...I should give her a code name) was impressed by her manners, especially when you consider what her manners used to be. :) So I'm gonna pat myself on the back for that one. :)

So can you tell I have serious amounts of spare time at work?

OMG!! I am so happy!! APPARENTLY, you can change the URL to your 'Blog just like that! So I changed mine. No more worries about my sister accidentally stumbing onto those nasty little things I have said about her. Oh wait, that didn't work. Phuck. BUT the good thing is that she will only see the old nastiness and none of the new nasty things that I will surely say about Sista Phreckle as time marches on...and she will forgive me for the old nasties. But one cannot continue to post nasties about someone and expect them to continue to forgive one's nasty ass, now can one? So therefore, the URL change will help me in that aspect. May the Nasties march on!

Ok so I am sitting on the Throne in the ladies' room earlier, thinking about how wouldn't it be neat if La Phreckle became famous? No I don't mean the person behind La Phreckle -- I mean this blog. I mean, aren't I incredibly clever? And funny? And isn't it amazing that my ego is puffed up to the size of the Empire State Building as well? I mean, I could have a La Phreckle empire, couldn't I? YES YES!!! I will change my email addies, my messenger names...all to...LA PHRECKLE! And then, after someone has had the fortune of stumbling upon this incredibly grand, incrediby incredible most incredible (gosh I use that word a lot) stupefyingly smashing blog, and they see me playing pool on Yahoo (isn't that what lifeless single parents like me do? lol) they will say AHA!! It's the Incredible yet Anonymous La Phreckle!!! And then someday I will write a book and have plenty of money to do whatever the phuck I want. Lovely plan.

You know, I haven't told anyone that I'm even having anything to do with BF at all...even the people in my Yahoo groups. I know they all think I'm a flake anyway...and anyone who reads this blog will agree, I am sure. :)

But you know -- everyone's a little flakey. Yep. In their little idiosyncracies...in their own little worlds. But not everyone wears it on their sleeve. I'm working on not doing that, but I am just a pretty straightforward person. I think it's a mark of immaturity. I mean, people don't really want to know my business. Even my friends don't really want to know about BF, or Phrecklette...at least, not the problems associated with said parties. They only want to hear about the good things that happen with any given area of one's life. Friends don't really want to hear about your problems. Then they feel obligated to give you advice. Whether or not you follow their advice is, of course, up to you. But if you don't, you are now marked as being someone who must be daft for not following their advice. So I am slowly learning to just not tell anyone a damn thing...including my BF, who also thinks it is his duty to give me his advice. Thanks, I can figure it out myself, k?

You know, losing weight really gives you some good insight into people.

When you’re losing weight, people alllll notice and they comment and they want to know how you’re doing it so they can lose some ass too.

When you’re gaining, they notice, but only the few, the proud, the truly gauche actually say anything. You never hear people saying to you, “Wow, you really lost some weight, but your ass is getting bigger every day, tubby. How are you doing that? Can you tell me? Because, damnit, I been trying to get some more blubber onto my frame for a while now and NOTHING’S WORKING! Share your secrets!”

About the only person who tells me I look pretty and beautiful anymore is my sorta-boyfriend. But whenever he gives you a compliment about how you look, it’s like a two-edged sword. Why, you may ask? Because he likes fat chicks lol. Good lord, he likes seeing jiggling flesh…and that is the only thing I am sayin about that. You can see why his compliments don’t carry a whole lot of weight. If you ask him if you look fat, he’ll say no, because that’s not how he sees it. He sees a beautiful girl and that’s all he sees.

When I was REALLY REALLY fat (ie 369 pounds), I used to sit there and think, gee, I wish I could look at myself like an anorexic does, cause then I would starve myself and lose the weight and then I would be happy. I never used to think about my weight all the time in terms of oh gosh I’m gaining some! Because I had never had the experience of being someone that people LIKED looking at. Someone that was considered by many to be “hot”.

Well now I’ve had that experience. So while I do look better than when I was at my top weight, I do not feel good about that. Because now I know what I could look like. I know how things could be.

But there are some benefits to being fatter again – the maintenance man would probably be into me a lot worse if I looked any better than this. It would be even harder to deal with that whack job.

Mood Swings and Personality Facets
I bet anyone who should be so fortunate as to stumble on this blog will read these posts that are variously happy and manic and then sad and despairing to angry will sit there and think…so umm, how many little friends are in there with you Secretary? None, it’s just me, the uncensored moi.

Oh dear….I think I did a bad thing…
We’re going to my friend’s house tonight and that could be bad because I am bringing Niece…who has a rather large facial orifice. Of course she does, she’s four. Soooo let’s just all pray that Niece doesn’t say anything about my sorta-boyfriend being in the hospital recently because I really don’t want to explain how she knows that or why she knows that. I am just trying to keep that particular part of my personal life out of my friend’s sphere of knowledge. She would probably have a conniption, then be nice. Then a few days later she would tell me that she doesn’t like it and that I’m ruining my life, blah blah blah. Whether she’s right or not isn’t the point – the point is that it’s something I have to figure out on my own. So please pray for me that Niece doesn’t say anything. Damnit.

Soooooo....wuz going onnnnnn???

Let's see, I have many little things spinning 'round in my life...
- bankruptcy
- goals
- ward
- boyfriend (sorta)
- wacked-out family problems
- bills
- job
- Mary Kay

I think what I hate the most about having gained some weight -- more than my clothes not fitting, more than losing my looks...is listening to my damn thighs rubbing together when I walk. And you know what is just horrible about that...I sit there and think that other people can hear too...even though I'm pretty sure that either A) they can't hear it, or B) they wouldn't know what they were hearing if they could hear it, or C) they are not listening for something as trivial as the fat secretary's damn thighs rubbing together as she walks.

Love Bites

Why does listening to this song make me feel lonely?

Right now I just feel lonely, useless, and wasted. Not wasted in the sense of inebriation -- wasted in the sense that I'm a waste of a human being...why am I here, God? Why did you put me here? What do you want me to do? And if I'm doing it right now by saving this little girl from her stupid fucking mother, then why don't You give me the fulfillment that I need and want so desperately?

This is where my eating behaviors come into play. Right now I just want to numb out and stop feeling this fucking loneliness, this wastefulness, this boredom, this void. I want to fill it up. Seems the only way to fill it up sometimes is to stuff it full of ice cream, until I feel bloated and full. But that just goes away, so that doesn't fucking work, does it?

So sometimes I try alcohol -- presently I have little to no tolerance, so that works satisfactorily sometimes...only after Phrecklette is in bed though. I don't want to be a lush while she's around...DUH. But I know that if it ever got out of control, it would destroy me. Alcohol is not good for anyone in my family. And it's harder to resist it when you live alone and you're relying solely on yourself all the time, and you have a lot of alone-time after that child is in bed.

And you look forward and you see the day when that child will be ripped out of your home and placed with her stupid excuse of a mother (god I hope she never reads this). I love my sister but she will never be a satisfactory mom. She's got her own demons to battle. Why did I ever tell her about this blog? Guess it's not really that different than her telling me about her blog and then reading about how much she hates me on it. Difference is -- I don't hate my sister and I never have. I love her, but she has to figure out her life. I don't have the energy to help her enough. So she's on her own, unfortunately.

The feeling of worthlessness fuels my desire to eat, to drink, and to spend excessively. Only by doing those three things do I get any peace in my head. It's a lot easier to ignore how you feel when you're fresh from the excitement of something yummy to eat, or something new to wear, or work on, or some new place to go, or that feeling that you're wealthy because you're going places and doing things...never mind what you're going to do to pay that $71.00 that's going to come out of your checking account on the 24th. Or the checks you made out to Paycheck Advance when you were feeling particularly shitty and were burying yourself in the world of Shabby Chic so you don't have to face that you're getting ever fatter, after having worked your ass off to lose 140 pounds.

And you're sitting there wishing you were anorexic so you could stop fucking eating...or at least find a new obsession to keep your mind off your old crutch. Anything to help me escape and forget and just make it stop. You get so damned tired of always having to try and be normal...you curse your mom and dad for fucking you up and you wish you could just have had a fairly normal childhood so you wouldn't be like this. But all that wishing is pretty damned futile isn't it? Because no one has a time machine, least of all you, you poor unfortunate fool, so why don't you just quit whining?

Every time you pass by the bathroom mirror, you look at your profile and you realize your ass is getting bigger again. And your double chin is back. And you don't feel like washing your goddamned hair...you don't feel like bathing. In fact, that bath you had last Wednesday was the first in probably about a month. But you are good at covering that up because you're so practiced at feeling unworthy and shitty. So you wash your hair, you put on your clean, ironed clothes, you put on your makeup and some snazzy accessories, and you think no one notices, but you know that deep down, they probably have their antennae up and have detected something wrong with your sorry ass.

You sit here and you wonder...what the fuck is wrong with me?

November 30, 2004

Tonight I have come home from my weekly Tuesday Mary Kay meeting. I change out of my clothes; Boyfriend has put Phrecklette to bed and he waits for me in my room. I am so in love with him...our relationship is so warm and cozy and just going awesomely. I am just putting some invoices into my MK software, then I am coming to bed...also checking emails, including looking for emails from Brandon.

Then I'm looking at my emails saved on my computer, cleaning them out. I see some from Boyfriend's ex to him...and they talk about their illicit sexual affair. So I print the email out and go in my room and confront him with them. I'm seeing red. He pops off with some stupid lie and I go back to my computer, then I email Trisha and tell her I want to know what's up...so she calls me after work and by this time I've told Boyfriend that she'll be calling and she'll be telling me everything. Did you sleep with her? YES. He slept with her. He slept with that fuckin whore.

I decide after talking to Ms. Whackjob that I am not going to break up with Boyfriend just yet -- I am going to keep him around that night so he can take Phrecklette to school in the morning -- since we've been up half the night dealing with his sins. And so he can babysit that Wednesday for me while I do an appointment.

I come back from my appointment Wednesday night and I tell him to go away while I figure it out. I'd already decided to break up with him.

So that Saturday I break up with that fucker. But by Sunday I want him back, because I'm so lonely and I miss our friendship and what we had so badly. So I make up a pretext to call him and I take him back. I give him a second chance.

Monday night, my car is repo'd. Now I have no choice but to start playing married with him, because I have no other way to survive.

This really fucks things up. I can't take my time trusting him again. I am so afraid of him walking off that I know I have to hurry up and trust and love again. I am resentful of this in the extreme. What's more, he acts like he knows it, but he only acts that way in a subtle manner, so that if I say anything, I look like I have a complex about men controlling women.

Every time I want to use the truck, I have to answer 20 questions. I have to justify whatever it is I want to do. He takes over decisions about my ward. He enacts cruel, sadistic punishments (in my eyes anyway). That poor girl spends more time crying than doing anything else. More time sitting on the floor a certain way in punishment, or standing against the wall, than playing. I start hating him. I especially hate that he just overrules me. Maybe I hate myself more for letting him. But every time I stand up to him, it ends up being a 3 hour argument and nothing changes. And I can't get rid of him because I am dependent. I start intensifying my search for a car.

Especially after my therapist and my friend stage an 'intervention' one night. Basically, they tell me I am ruining my life and no one can help me anymore. My friend's pissed because I've ruined some of my progress. She's invested a lot of herself in me. Therapist is pissed because I'm just telling her whatever I think she wants to hear.

After that, I decide I'm not going down that path anymore. I intensify my search for a car even more.

I find one on Freecycle.

1/24/2005
I take possession of my car.

1/26/2005
BF and I have a fight...I try to break up with him again.

Since the cheating, I honestly have not felt love for him. I stop having sex with him. I don't feel right letting him have access to my body when I don't have any love for him.

February 2005
BF and I have a huge fight...the police are called after he won't let me leave my apartment. BF is escorted out and the next day I make the break with him. But I really miss him again and though no one else knows it, I take him back a week later. We're not official though -- we both have admitted we have things to work out, and we can't have a real relationship until those things are resolved.

Since we've been apart and don't play house anymore, we've been doing better. It's more like it used to be in the beginning. I'm handling Phrecklette by myself, I have my own car, and I have my own life. And I like it this way.

So that brings us up to the present.

8/10/2004
I finally pin Brandon down 3 days before he's supposed to be here...and no, he's not coming...he doesn't 'love' me anymore, etc. I tell him goodbye and try to put him out of my mind as I build a relationship with my new BF.

But BF isn't doing so hot either...he's in AA yet still drinking...eventually, he 'realizes' that he's not an alcoholic after all. Wow. What a revelation. How I wish I could believe it were true.

8/12/2004
After I've observed more going wrong with my family, my therapist uses my reports (with my permission) to call CPS yet again. I observed when I came over one night that Phrecklette had red marks all over her butt.

8/31/2004
Brandon had made contact with me again, and we supposedly were working things out. Whatever. We 'break up' again. By this time, it has little effect on me at all.

9/17/2004
I go up to St. Paul to visit JoAnn. CPS picks Phrecklette up and places her in foster care.
By this time, I've gained about 30 pounds. Best friend notices that my wrists are not as thin as they were when I had seen her in June.

9/19/2004
I leave St. Paul for home, after finding out that CPS has picked Phrecklette up from the home. I call her CPS caseworker from my best friend's kitchen in St. Paul and volunteer for placement.

9/20/2004
I take the necessary steps to have Phrecklette placed with me. A home inspection is scheduled for that day with the caseworker, who doesn't show up.

9/21/2004
We reschedule the home visit for that evening after I get home from work. Well she doesn't just do the home visit, she brings Phrecklette with her. I felt my heart leap in my chest to see my baby again and to be her mommy again. Off we go to get a bed for Phrecklette to sleep in.

9/22/2004
Phrecklette starts HeadStart today.

November 2004
HeadStart closes down for about 2 weeks. That didn't work for me, so we switched to LaPetite Academy. Much better place for my munchkin. :)

Following from May 2004…

June 2004…
Sista Phreckle decides that she is ready to be a mom again. What a load of crap.
In July, I see that Phrecklette is losing weight and that her dark circles are worse. She's not being dressed at all, she's not going outside to play, she's being yelled at and being given generous amounts of corporal punishment again. I can't sit still any longer.

July 5, 2004
My friends all urge me to call CPS and one day, I conference my friend in, and we do it together. I feel sick afterward, having just betrayed my family.

July 7, 2004
I start dating new BF exlusively. Meanwhile, plans for Brandon to come out out Nebraska for his birthday continue. I know that he won't show up. But I play along, figuring it'll be easier to end things with him now that his heir apparent is waiting in the wings.

July 9, 2004
CPS comes out to talk to my sister. They observe Phrecklette outside, playing alone in nothing but a pull-up, for 20 minutes, and then knock on the door. The CPS worker calls me at work, trying to come up with a pretext to take Phrecklette out of the home. I can't give her one. Part of me knows I could say something that would give her one, but another part of me won't allow me to go that far.

My sister calls me after they leave, and calls me a terrible name. My mom is wailing in the background about it and she calls me a terrible name too. My family won't speak to me for a few days but then they calm down after it appears that there is light at the end of the tunnel, and that light is a Family Support Worker. All's not lost, Social Services is going to provide services to try and keep Phrecklette in the home. Positive things start happening -- including that CPS is going to put Phrecklette in HeadStart, and they're going to foot the bill.

Update -- What's been going on since 10/2003

My last post was 10/13/03. Wow. Long time ago. Lemme check out my life chronology that I started a while back to see what all has happened since then.

10/23/03
Divorce hearing. Husband looks at the 'new' Secretary and mouth waters, apparently.

Another thing that happened this night was that I took my sister out to dinner to celebrate, ostensibly, then suggested that Niece come to live with me, because she was screwing her child up.

Let me explain… A week or two prior to that, I came over to my parents' house and saw Niece with a sock tied around her ankles to keep her in her crib. A week after that, I came over and there was duct-tape residue around her calves and feet. When I asked my sister about it, she pointed to my mom and said, "Mom did it."

The underlying thought here -- but you let her. And you're supposed to be protecting this child from things like that. I knew something had to be done.

I'm not sure if God knew this was going to happen and so He led me to get a bigger apartment…but I got a bigger apartment. I moved upstairs and by November 1st, Niece was living with me.

Her first day of daycare was November 3, 2003.

February 2004 - Valentine's Day
During this whole time, from March 2003 to about August 2004, I was having this internet 'relationship' with some guy from Maryland named B. He broke his promises to come out here and meet me or for me to come out there and meet him more times than I actually remember. We were supposedly going to meet at this time, but it didn't happen…again. I started dating after this.

Internet relationships are nothing more than fantasy, honestly. Especially when the 'meet' date keeps moving. More on internet 'relationships' later.

March 2004
I started Mary Kay on 3/25/2004. Again. I love doing Mary Kay. It's a lot of fun…but it's work. During this time, I was doing so much Mary Kay, it would spin around my head at night. I could hardly sleep because I was so excited about my business. I had appointments every day of the week.

I had my sister babysit. She really did this very grudgingly. My mother actually accused me of playing 'dump and run' with Niece and her little friend every weekend. She was kind of right. I hungered for my old single life and felt cheated and used because I was being Niece's mom, but my sister was still receiving ADC, and I was receiving no help paying for daycare at all. Daycare at this time was about $85 per week. And it didn't help my emotional turmoil that my sister openly complained and whined about having to take care of her own child whenever I asked her to. This 'gentleman's agreement' was not working at all, really.

During this time, I was not losing any weight. I would get depressed during periods and gain and then lose. My band felt (and feels) like the enemy at times. Sister felt like she was taking care of Niece all the time. This, of course, is not true, as Niece went to daycare during the day and Sister only had to care for her a couple of hours each night and sometimes all day on the weekends so I could get some sanity. Man, you should have heard Sister whining about it. She even told me once that, "You volunteered to take Niece, but I'm still taking care of her all the time!" Well wah wah wah. I did not feel an ounce of sorrow for her.

But one thing I should have realized is that Sister was starting to feel that there was no need for Phrecklette to be with me since she felt she was taking care of the child 'all the time'. So no need to pay for daycare, right? More on that later too.

April 2004
My divorce was finalized on the 23rd of this month.

May 2004
B didn't show up again. Surprise surprise. Hmmm…can't remember if this was the time that I took a week off to spend with him or not…but after this, I started dating in earnest.

Woot! I lost some weight!

So I called my doctor's office here in town today and found out how much I weighed at my last weigh in with them. 263. Now I weigh 258.5 soooo apparently I've actually lost some weight. That is so cool! Because I felt like I was eating like a total little oinker. So this is great news!

Now that brings up an interesting concept. Think about how much food I actually had to eat to keep gaining! Oh my God, kids, I thought I was eating a lot NOW. Imagine how much I was eating THEN! Good God!

So now I gotta go to Fitday.com and find out just how far off the wagon I fell this weekend. Well it can't be that bad. Things always seem worse than they are.

Next: my First Fill
This Friday will be my first fill. I'm very excited about it. Because now the Band will start working as it should. I won't be able to eat 3 pieces of Old Chicago pizza at all. I'll be lucky to be able to eat 1. And a whole pint of Ben & Jerry's? No way in hell kids. The fill will probably bring my restriction back to where it was when I first got my Band, i.e. I could eat a HALF container of lite 85 yogurt and I was done.

I was just thinking about how much energy I had this last Saturday when I was chasing my niece. I enjoyed that so much and I was really able to move! That wouldn't have been possible at 369 pounds. I'd probably have tried, but I know I wouldn't have been able to do it. The toddler was breathing harder than me. I just felt great! Until I took a flying leap after tripping over something, lol. Yeah I've still got bumps and bruises from that, but they just remind me that I was actually able to run and play for an extended period of time without getting tired. And that feels great. :o)

Ok, look for more positive blogs in the future!

Ok, my sister has been bothering me left and right about writing in my blog.

Last night, she goes, "So have you written anything new in your blob yet?" Actually, she said blog but it sounded like blob at first. Go figure.

I know I said I wasn't going to buy a scale, but I did it anyway. I wanted to check how much I weigh. Ok, I still weigh 258.5. Hey, at least I haven't gained any weight! And that's really great because I was really eating majorly wrong. I have this internet relationship going on in my life and it's kind of fucking me up. But mea culpa, I allowed it to. No more of that! Perspective, perspective!!

Soooo let's see, last night I had Old Chicago pizza. My Band seriously needs a fill because I was able to eat 3 pieces of it before feeling full. Ok, that shouldn't have happened! lol Buuuut now I have the capability to actually go for a fill, which I will do next weekend, soooo that shall change soon. The good news though, is that I weighed myself this morning and I still weigh the same as I did yesterday. So at least I didn't gain anything! Course, we ate this pizza after I ran around a park for a while, chasing my 2.75 year old niece, lol.

Well kids, the ironing, sewing, and laundry are all waiting for me, so I will blog again later! Bye!