Movie Reviews

I know these movies are so old that they're out on video, but keep in mind that I am from Nebraska and therefore am not quite as hip as most people. :)

Napoleon Dynamite
This guy has the same disease that Sean "Puffy" Combs has...perpetually open-mouthed. Not a very animated guy, the highlight of his social life was when one of the popular girls accepted his request to accompany him to a high school dance. Little did he know it was because "Uncle Rico" told the girl's mom that Napoleon wasn't overnight potty-trained yet and the popular girl's mom forced her to accept. :) Don't worry Napoleon, I know it's super-hard to get that dry-overnight thing going on, I just got through potty-training my niece, who's 4 1/2.

Bottom line, this is one of those movies where the plot isn't really going anywhere and you only watch it because you've heard people talking about it and you're curious about why they were talking about it. Your curiosity drives you to keep watching because the entire time you're watching the movie, you keep wondering when are they going to have the part that made everyone talk about this movie? Eventually you reach the end.

I Heart Huckabees
This movie is actually pretty good, if Blockbuster's dang DVD wasn't so crappy. It had scratches and toward the end, it kept hiccuping every few seconds. Total pain. Naomi Watts was so amazing though. Funnier than hell. And the machete action was pretty cool too. Jude Law was good; that nursing thing was a little freaky.

D went to see Janwitch this weekend overnight on Saturday night. I needed a break pretty bad. August 26, when I'll be parting ways with my little niece, is approaching fast. Only 18 days until that day and it's a little scary.

D's therapist
...wants to see her today at 5pm and I'm cool with that. Even though that therapist dissed me to everyone else on the case by stating that my bf is a control freak and delving into my private life with my sister. Not OK, people. Definitely one of the things that made me angry enough to hang it all up.

I can't wait to see this woman. Or not.

My weight continues to go up and I feel ridiculously helpless to stop it. Which is so not true because as anyone knows it is up to you and no one else to get this weight off your body. I feel super tired this morning from having stayed up way too late last night, so I probably shouldn't think too much about it, since I'll just make myself feel terrible. I mean, I feel helpless enough...better not to think too much about this when I feel so tired that I can hardly imagine lifting my ass out of this seat. I can't even think about exercising when I'm feeling this tired.

I need to find a way to look on the bright side but right now I just don't feel like it, honestly. It is so selfish, but I am counting the days until D leaves. I feel like a great struggle will have finally ended for me...a great conflict.

Back in the days of la Buddha and the therapist, both of those ladies wanted to blame my weight gain and out of control life on BF's presence. They thought it was him...he was a bad influence on my life. But I'm here to tell ya, it wasn't him. No, it was my decision to turn myself into a parent overnight...just as I was beginning to enjoy independence, solitude, looking after myself, being healthy, all those things. God, that was the springtime of my life. I think it's not too late to get it back.

But the dream that was getting married and having children...well that's gone now. I don't have the sense of urgency that I once had about that. I don't know what my ultimate dream is now, but that's not it. Or, to put it a better way, that might not be the main focus. My ultimate dream now is to be healthy. That's it. I just want to feel good about myself again, like I used to.

Back when I got D, my self esteem was on a downward spiral for a number of reasons. I was off of the euphoric high of having left and divorced my ex husband. The euphoric high that was my 'relationship' with Mr. Wrong was lessening and petering out, the potency of which having been lessened by the growing reality that Mr. Wrong was a total liar (by the way, now he's got 3-6 months to live because of his melanoma, and he's supposedly still got his bun in his fiancee's oven or whatever, and he really wanted to talk to me and be 'friends' until he found out I'm back together with my BF...why do I not think he just wanted to be 'friends'? Maybe I should change his nickname from Mr. Wrong to Fantastic Liar) and I had just wasted 18 months of my life on him.

I had a point when I began this section of the post but now I'm meandering. I think that the point is that I shouldn't have taken D in, for my own sake. And for her sake. How can I parent her when I can't take care of myself? How can I provide her with stability when I don't have it for myself?

I keep dreaming of a simple life and you know what really really reminded me of that? Watching Napoleon Dynamite. The biggest thing that guy had to worry about was going to school every day. And trying to find a suit for the high school dance.

I seem to remember my therapist trying to tell me something about conflict. When I had that terrible job. She said that the reason I couldn't really succeed at it was because it was in conflict with my values and things. I was fighting against giving poor people unemployment. Not something I could emotionally get behind and be passionate about. I think that, although I may not have realized it up front and center, taking D was really in conflict with my life at that time. I was finally starting to care for myself and take care of myself, and then I chose to put myself on the back burner once more. It was a mistake...because I had finally reached a point in my life where I believed it really was important to take care of myself, and I had reached a point where that was what I actually wanted...and then I just stopped. And the aftermath of that is what you see here... my weight ballooning up, my finances even more out of control.

The only thing that's going well is my job which, and this is so funny, was totally not going well at all during the time that I was actually taking care of myself! Or, wait...no that's not true. It was going decently at that time. I certainly had more energy for it, that's for sure.

It's weird, but writing in this blog actually is making me feel a little bit better about my situation...making me remember what that time in my life felt like.

It's funny, you know...most people who write blogs, from what I have seen, do not talk much about their personal lives, their tragedies and struggles, joys, etc. They talk about surface things, like their careers, or maybe even someone else's life...but not their own, really. Maybe because it's a little stupid to put all this out on the 'net...or maybe the stupidity of it, the lack of regard for whatever consequences may spring up, makes it daring more than anything else. But I hesitate to use the word daring to describe what I'm doing. LOL, I know BF would definitely term it 'stupid'.

My caveat with that, though, is the phrase, 'from what I've seen'. We already talked about me being from Nebraska and therefore, not necessarily seeing all that much lol. :)