Wednesday Update:

Today is Phrecklette's appointment with Dr. Louisa -- the supervising psychiatrist in her therapist's office. Yippy skippy. This means more lost hours for me.

Checking account was in the red this morning when I awakened...I rescued it from collapse by transfusing $14.00 into it...more yippy skippy. Payday is only 2 days away. Thank God. Accoring to my MS Money software, I'm about $38 in the hole. Oh dear...I think I fell off the budgeting bandwagon...time to climb back on.

I had a nice talk with BF last night. I talked about how he is the only person encouraging me to be myself. I am so afraid to cede control in the smallest way to anyone else, honestly. The idea of actually taking a suggestion of his is loaded with fear, in my mind. It's like if I do that, I will be letting him have control over me, or admitting something that I don't want to admit. I only have this problem with men. And only, really, since I had that nightmare of a marriage to my exH.

Speaking of my ex-marriage, I sometimes have regrets about leaving the marriage, and I wonder if I was the problem...but I know that I have to try and remember that I was not the problem, I was just a part of it. And I was the part that was trying to fix itself, while the other part of the problem was saying there was nothing wrong with him. I remember how, at the beginning of the marriage, he was always criticizing me over everything I did and yelling at me left and right...watching the food I ate, controlling where I went and what I did. How he never cut the apron strings from his mom and how she was always in our life way too much. I have to keep remembering things, because something in me keeps rearing its ugly head and telling me that it was all my fault. My therapist says that my exH will never have a successful relationship, and I have to keep remembering why.

I noticed that BF is keeping his distance. I think he is trying to help me. He is trying to help me make sure that we are getting back together for the right reasons -- not just because I hate being alone. Last night I was having a depressing evening -- just feeling like crap. I got on the phone with him, and he made me feel a lot better. He is the last person I talk to before I go to sleep at night. I'm glad that I have him to talk to. Our relationship is a lot better with no sex involved, I am noticing. I sent him an email about it this morning...

I really enjoyed our talk last night. Thank you so much for the encouragement. I'm so thankful that you are in my corner, giving me honest feedback. I don't know why I am so afraid sometimes to take your suggestions…I don't have that problem with any of my girlfriends…it's like if I admit that you are right about anything, then I will be giving up a part of me. I remember when I was married before…when I first got married, I was very amenable to compromise.
But as time went on, he made me feel so bad about myself that the only way I could preserve my identity is by resisting anything he said or suggested. I think that that is lingering in my new relationships.

I am really glad that we are just taking our time and that you are keeping your distance. Sometimes it doesn't feel so hot to have all this time to myself, but I think you know what is good for me. And I think our relationship is developing better now that there is no messing around going on. Because it is developing in different, more creative, and more lasting ways.

So that's the skinny on our relationship.

Today's Quote to Ponder:

We all get report cards in many different ways, but the real excitement of what you're doing is in the doing of it. It's not what you're gonna get in the end - it's not the final curtain - it's really in the doing it, and loving what I'm doing.
-- Designer Ralph Lauren

So the natural question that follows that quote is: What do I love to do? What makes me feel really good?

I love taking care of Phrecklette. Helping a child grow up, and teaching them things, and watching them learn how to be a good person, is SO fulfilling. Helping other people is so fulfilling. I love doing MK, it's so much fun when I am working it. But having your own business is a lot of work...it's very hard to compartmentalize it when you're done working it at the end of the day. It's not like leaving your office job...you leave that job and you don't think about it for the rest of the night -- because you know it will be there when you come back the next morning.

I love being creative. Working on my little crochet projects, etc. Finding bargains is a ton of fun.

But the thing that is the absolute most rewarding thing is helping someone else. It helps me in return. That's where I get the most satisfaction. Watching Deirdre grow and learn. I was talking to Mama L (my friend with 6 kids) yesterday and we were talking about how, if you're going to do raising a family right, then you really don't have time for anything else. You really don't have time to work a job. You don't have time to work a Mary Kay business. If you're going to do it right, that is. She's pretty dissatisfied with her director. I'm not surprised, since her director is a total bitch. I've never liked her. There's just something 'off' about her. Her director is all about MK and is not interested in Mama L's life at all.

On My Mary Kay Pulpit...
Well that's not too surprising. Your director in MK is not going to be your best friend. She has a business to run and you are part of that business. So there are boundaries there. The problem is that when Mama L's director recruited her, she made it sound like they were going to be 'best friends' and stuff. She misrepresented, sort of. Friendships like that can be made in MK, but you are not going to be friends that closely with just anyone. You are not going to have true friendships left and right -- the friends in MK are, for the most part, going to be 'business friends'. You will meet quality people, but as at any job, not every quality person you meet is going to become a close personal friend whom you can lean on and who will respect your choices.

Mary Kay is awesome for women. You need that sort of positive influence in your life. But the challenge that many people face is 'keeping it real'. ie...don't become fakey. My director is still authentic. She's down-to-earth and you know where you stand with her. She has that ability to really treat everyone with grace and she knows where her energies are best focused.