A New Irritation with BF
So BF calls me today. He was supposed to go over to my apartment and drill out a hole to use for the old-school deadbolt that is in my front door. That way, Irritato, who now has a key to my front door, will not be able to get in my apartment at night when I am sleeping and helpless. Well I forgot to leave the door open.

We're talking and he suggests that he come up and get the key from me while he is applying for a job at a hospital nearby, which I poo-poo because I am leaving at 1pm to take Phrecklette to her evaluation with Dr. Louisa today. Well BF is totally against Phrecklette having any counselling at all. He thinks it's unnecessary because she is only 4. But you know what...just because a 4 yr old doesn't understand intellectually what is going on around her while she's being abused and neglected, that doesn't mean that she doesn't feel the effects. The bottom line is that BF just doesn't believe in therapy...for anyone. Me, him, Phrecklette, whatever. Soooo when he finds this out, he's like, Please, honey, don't subject her to that, blah blah. I have another one of those moments where I'm like totally pissed for some reason but I can't put my finger on it. Basically, I feel that he has no say in the matter. He goes on that I need to make sure that I am doing this for Phrecklette and not for me; basically, I need to make sure it is all about Phrecklette.

Well guess what buddy. I know you haven't necessarily suffered abuse and neglect, but it phucks you up for life. It takes a long time to figure out that you're worth anything when your mom and dad obviously could not figure out that you were worth taking care of. Depression runs in our family and it's important to get help for this child before it hits. Hopefully, we'll get lucky and it won't hit at all. But if it does, you do not want this little girl self-medicating. What would be self-medicating, you may ask? That would be doing drugs, alcohol, eating too much, shopping too much -- basically no moderation on the activity that produces the emotional effect of your choice -- whether that is euphoria, numbness, or distraction. Sometimes it's a combination of things.

He just really ruffled my feathers with that one, because I feel that he doesn't know what the phuck he's talking about, and he is intruding on my territory...I feel like this is my bloody decision and I am doing what's best for Phrecklette.

I guess that kinda speaks to one of the stumbling blocks of our relationship -- that we have very different views on raising children. His views are very old-school. Mine are a combination of old-school and what works without shaming the kid. I feel like what we do as parents can affect that kid's personality for life, and we need to make sure we are neither too permissive nor too disciplinarian. It must all be balanced. Naturally, I feel that my style is more balanced than his.

It is just amazing to me how people can be raised differently, but how stimuli affects people in very predictable ways. It amazes me how much you can tell about how someone was raised by the way they act. And I am talking about indicators that go beyond whether someone is naughty or nice. You can tell that BF was raised with someone in that family as an alcoholic. He's avoided many of the effects, but there are some definite markers in his family. His sister married 2 abusive men, is mui codpendent, and has hardly ever been without a boyfriend. His dad is always drinking beer and his complexion is redder than a tomato. BF himself abused his first wife...and I know he is working on it. And although it's not apparent at first, there are indicators that BF's brother is at least verbally and mentally abusive to his children and to his wife. BF definitely needs to figure this crap out before he and I ever get even close to getting married. I don't want my children turning out phucked up.

His parents were definitely more higly-functioning than mine, having bought 2 houses and having actually been able to retire, but there are some of the very same problems present and accounted for. They did a better job of raising their kids -- their daughter owns her own business and is high-functioning, BF's brother owns a house, has 3 kids, and holds down a steady job. BF manages his money ok and holds down a steady job. So the kids turned out semi-alright. But their personal lives are very screwed up. It's really pretty fascinating how human behavior works.