Tuesday Update

Well tonight is my MK meeting. I'm not going. This is in spite of a direct order from La Buddha, who is getting on my nerves because of her tendency to be controlling.

I am noticing the controlling aspect of her personality more since BF pointed it out. Really, she is pretty controlling. But I am someone who needs some of that. I am someone who sometimes needs a kick in the ass. Even so, when she gets to telling me that 'the expectation' (ie her expectation) is that I will never speak to BF again, that is getting to be a bit much.

I have learned that she should only be consulted on practical matters -- like ideas for budgeting, what should my next step be on this, how should I go about making more friends, how and where should I go about volunteering, how to decorate my apartment, how to manage my time better, things to do around town that are creative, resources for this or that. You get the idea. When she tries to talk to me about BF or things like that, I don't cut her off, because that would be rude, but I do answer the question, and then I change the subject. I have decided that if she does not want to be a true friend, which I would define as someone who can still be your friend even though you have different opinions and you choose to do different things that are not harmful to your friends but which may be harmful to you, then I am not going to share with her things that I would normally share with a girlfriend.

Furthermore, I'm just not sharing that stuff with anyone, really. Sometimes it's hard to keep my mouth shut, but I really think it is better than wearing my heart on my sleeve because when you wear it like that, everyone thinks they have the right to intrude...and guess what? They do have that right. You've given it to them. You've opened the door, so to speak.

All of this introspection ties into the thought of the day from www.morningmantra.com. Here it is:

Externally driven people care a lot about what people think of them, looking good, saying the right thing and being accepted. They are constantly at the whim of outside forces and rarely feel peaceful or authentic. WHO CARES if someone thinks you are weird , dress funny or have an odd idea? Be internally driven and care most about what YOU think of you. Please yourself, not everyone else in the world.

Alrighty then. It pleases me to live, right now, in an old Victorian building. Right now, it pleases me to focus my life on taking care of Niece so I can feel good about what I'm accomplishing with her, and so I can fulfill my duty to her. It pleases me to date BF. It pleases me to sew, to crochet, to hang out on the 'Net sometimes, and to enjoy the weather when it's nice out. It pleases me to wean myself off Prozac. BF is about the only person who thinks I should do what I want in this regard. Many things please me that other people in my life may not like. Well, too bad for them.

They are constantly at the whim of outside forces and rarely feel peaceful or authentic.

No wonder I don't have much peace. I am too busy worrying about what La Buddha is going to think, or what my therapist is going to think, or what BF is going to think, or what this board that I'm on is going to think. Normal people who haven't been in therapy this long do not think this way.

What do *I* think of me?
I think I'm doing ok. Especially considering where I came from in my life. I think I will evolve as years pass and that I am doing the best that I can right now. Every day I will learn more and I am open to that. I am excited about it.

One thing I've learned is that if I am associated with someone who gets on my nerves, to just cut them off. Like, at work, the receptionist used to really get on my nerves. I'm her counterpart. We'll just call her Twiggy, because she's mui skinny lol. Although baby does have back lol. So Twiggy used to seriously get on my nerves. Now I just don't talk to her unless I must. We get along great.

I was on this board talking about getting off Prozac and it totally wasn't a healthy place to be. So I unsubscribed and wrote that off. I was on a single-parents board and the owner of the list got on my nerves because she was trying to shove BS down everyone's throat. So I left. When people are being truly toxic, I think about whether I can help them. But if I can't, and if it's more aggravation than it's worth, I just write them off. I know that sounds terrible. But believe me, you could spend all your energy and all your time trying to help someone and you will know if you are being listened to or not. And if you're not being listened to, then you are wasting your breath. Well, I'm tired of wasting my breath. If someone wants help and they want to listen, then I will help them. But if they are just toxic and they're not in the self-improvement groove at all, then I know that I don't have the resources to help them and they would best be served by someone else who does. :) So I just free them to find that person. : ) See?

And I think my blog is an excellent place for me to talk about what I'm learning.