Bullet Dodged. But Suspicions Persist.

Phrecklette didn't say anything tonight at my friend's house...but I can tell she suspects something. She kept asking me about BF to gauge my reaction. I felt bad lying to her, but only because I think she knew I was lying. But in another sense, I didn't feel bad -- because it's my life and none of her business and she should let me figure it out myself. I know she's invested a lot in me, but I have to find my own way.

In some ways, I wish I could say that I had not been in contact with BF. Now we're even saying ILY again...not just him, but me too. But I feel like I've got to force it out of my mouth sometimes...that I don't really want to say it. I feel like saying ILY is a surrender of sorts, a declaration that 'you've got me now' and you don't have to do any more work. I have given myself an escape hatch, which is that he must do the 'work' he's supposed to be doing...seeing a counselor for his problems. He hasn't done that yet. So much remains to be seen.

But does it really remain to be seen? I'm forcing myself to settle and I feel that. Oh relationships are such a pain in the ass. Is this even worth it?

As long as he stays at arm's-length, we do great. It's like regular dating again, not playing house like what we were doing before. I'm glad it's changed. What we were doing before had a comfort level to it, but I knew something was amiss, not the obvious things -- but the advanced level of the relationship in comparison to its age.

Another thing -- Phrecklette is doing so much better without him around. My God, her behavior has improved about 150%. MUCH better. Must be easier when you don't have a fuckin drill sergeant around and you're only 4. She had to go to the naughty chair tonight, but I could tell that my friend (hmmm...I should give her a code name) was impressed by her manners, especially when you consider what her manners used to be. :) So I'm gonna pat myself on the back for that one. :)