November 30, 2004

Tonight I have come home from my weekly Tuesday Mary Kay meeting. I change out of my clothes; Boyfriend has put Phrecklette to bed and he waits for me in my room. I am so in love with him...our relationship is so warm and cozy and just going awesomely. I am just putting some invoices into my MK software, then I am coming to bed...also checking emails, including looking for emails from Brandon.

Then I'm looking at my emails saved on my computer, cleaning them out. I see some from Boyfriend's ex to him...and they talk about their illicit sexual affair. So I print the email out and go in my room and confront him with them. I'm seeing red. He pops off with some stupid lie and I go back to my computer, then I email Trisha and tell her I want to know what's up...so she calls me after work and by this time I've told Boyfriend that she'll be calling and she'll be telling me everything. Did you sleep with her? YES. He slept with her. He slept with that fuckin whore.

I decide after talking to Ms. Whackjob that I am not going to break up with Boyfriend just yet -- I am going to keep him around that night so he can take Phrecklette to school in the morning -- since we've been up half the night dealing with his sins. And so he can babysit that Wednesday for me while I do an appointment.

I come back from my appointment Wednesday night and I tell him to go away while I figure it out. I'd already decided to break up with him.

So that Saturday I break up with that fucker. But by Sunday I want him back, because I'm so lonely and I miss our friendship and what we had so badly. So I make up a pretext to call him and I take him back. I give him a second chance.

Monday night, my car is repo'd. Now I have no choice but to start playing married with him, because I have no other way to survive.

This really fucks things up. I can't take my time trusting him again. I am so afraid of him walking off that I know I have to hurry up and trust and love again. I am resentful of this in the extreme. What's more, he acts like he knows it, but he only acts that way in a subtle manner, so that if I say anything, I look like I have a complex about men controlling women.

Every time I want to use the truck, I have to answer 20 questions. I have to justify whatever it is I want to do. He takes over decisions about my ward. He enacts cruel, sadistic punishments (in my eyes anyway). That poor girl spends more time crying than doing anything else. More time sitting on the floor a certain way in punishment, or standing against the wall, than playing. I start hating him. I especially hate that he just overrules me. Maybe I hate myself more for letting him. But every time I stand up to him, it ends up being a 3 hour argument and nothing changes. And I can't get rid of him because I am dependent. I start intensifying my search for a car.

Especially after my therapist and my friend stage an 'intervention' one night. Basically, they tell me I am ruining my life and no one can help me anymore. My friend's pissed because I've ruined some of my progress. She's invested a lot of herself in me. Therapist is pissed because I'm just telling her whatever I think she wants to hear.

After that, I decide I'm not going down that path anymore. I intensify my search for a car even more.

I find one on Freecycle.

1/24/2005
I take possession of my car.

1/26/2005
BF and I have a fight...I try to break up with him again.

Since the cheating, I honestly have not felt love for him. I stop having sex with him. I don't feel right letting him have access to my body when I don't have any love for him.

February 2005
BF and I have a huge fight...the police are called after he won't let me leave my apartment. BF is escorted out and the next day I make the break with him. But I really miss him again and though no one else knows it, I take him back a week later. We're not official though -- we both have admitted we have things to work out, and we can't have a real relationship until those things are resolved.

Since we've been apart and don't play house anymore, we've been doing better. It's more like it used to be in the beginning. I'm handling Phrecklette by myself, I have my own car, and I have my own life. And I like it this way.

So that brings us up to the present.