A New Car...and New Worries

I am not good with money. Most people that are my friends know this about me. Anyone who saw my name in The Record back when I filed for bankruptcy in '05 also knows this about me.

Yup, I went through bankruptcy. You would be uber surprised at the people who have. I don't mean celebrities. I mean people that I know, who look like that is the last thing that would ever happen to them. My ex-mentor, La Buddha, was one of those unfortunates who fell for the Nigerian scam. Greed at work, baby. She lost almost everything. The fact of where she was when I met her, which was about three years after her bankruptcy, spoke volumes about her work ethic and persistence.

You'd also be super surprised at how many of the folks around here live from paycheck to paycheck. Many of the sales guys do. You can tell who they are because of how voracious they are on payday. I don't mean voraciousness born of wanting to make sure they are paid for the work they've performed for this company, but voracious because their checking accounts are near to empty and they seriously need that money NOW.

Anyway, the last time that I had a car payment, full insurance and all that jazz, it didn't go so well. I f*cked it up royally. I was in a much worse place than I am now, mentally and maturity-wise. Yet, I am still making mistakes. Perhaps they are not as egregious as they were about a year and a half ago, but they are there.

And I find myself being so ashamed of them that I cannot or will not tell my sponsor. Recently I have started doing so even though I am mightily embarrassed. I made so many OA phone calls last night and one of them told me just what I needed to hear: "If you can't be honest about your money, you will lose the car."

She's right. Well, the outlook may look dismal today but there is hope. It's so weird; when I am working my program, I feel ok even if my bank account is in the hole. It doesn't matter, I know I'm going to be fine. But when I'm not working my program honestly, I could have hundreds of dollars in my bank account and still feel horrible.