Having acqired the new ZoomZoom, I decided to sell Bessie.
Bessie, you have served me well, but it's time for you to find a new home.
Bessie's new home is going to be with my ex boyfriend.
He came over tonight to test drive the car, to see what all is wrong with it, etc. I'm selling it for $100. The car has body damage, the hatchback doesn't work, the windshield's cracked, none of the motorized or power accessories work, it has no stereo, and then there are the brakes. Soon the new owner will need to replace a CV joint, and let's not forget that the shocks aren't so hot.
I knew that Ex would want the car; the gas mileage cannot be beat and he can get the mechanical work done cheaply. The easiest way to get rid of the car would be to sell it to him. So selling it to him is a good decision.
Seeing him again was hard. I was excited about it despite myself. I found myself wanting to smile at him and make jokes with him and stuff. And I did a little bit. We talked about a few things that were pretty mundane. Pleasant stuff...how big his daughter's getting, stuff like that.
He said, "One thing I've been wondering about all afternoon, it's been troubling me. Why did you keep my number?"
I thought to myself that he was searching for some node of feeling from me. And trust me, that node is there. It would be so easy to love him again, if the Program hadn't taught me to see sick as sick. But now I see the truth and I can't ignore it.
"I didn't keep your number. I had it memorized."
"Oh."
"I wasn't going to speak to you ever again, Ex. I just needed to sell my car." It was the truth. But I wished I could say something else.
"Oh. I see," he said. He had walked me to my car, actually trailing a few steps behind me. "Well, I'll have the money to you within the week for sure and I'll see you then." Then he was gone and so was I.
I had had some dumb fantasy about us being friends, about maybe him going to the video store with me in the new car, etc. etc. ad nauseam.
I guess I'm glad that I didn't do that. I should be glad, right? That relationship was bad. He was abusive to me. He betrayed me a countless number of times. Who would want to be friends with someone like that? I couldn't trust him.
And I'm still pissed about the things he did in our relationship. Honestly, before seeing him again tonight, I felt repugnance for him. I thought about his personality and how he starts out all charming, hooks you in, and then takes over your life. Then when you see what's up, and you start trying to change things, he goes and finds another woman, fucks her, all the while treating you like shit and convincing you that you're crazy for trying to make decisions, have opinions, etc.
I guess I'm grateful to have spoken the simple truth with no illusions, no possibilities, no friendly crap.
But I can't say that I don't miss him, that I didn't want more somewhere in my mind. I did, and I do. I know that I just can't. I'd take three steps back. Screw that.
4 comments:
I must be crazy for posting to your blog. Here I am, a complete stranger, captivated by this one particular blog.
First off, you write very well. If you didn't think about writing professionally, I think you should.
Secondly, I guess I found myself captivated because I have been in that situation, just from the mirror image of course. It is humbling to know that I was not the only one who had feelings like this. Then I read your blog and the memories all came flooding back.
Thanks for the post. I hope you get your $100. Congrats on the new wheels and finally, I hope you find that which you seek.
Flyinfox_SATX
Thanks for the compliment : ). It was kind of you to stop by.
He can't have the car until I have the money. He was a little surprised by that lol.
Just remember when you're feeling alone and feeling like you're the only person going through something...there's 6 billion people on the plant, and there's nothing new under the sun. :) That doesn't make it hurt less though.
much love,
secretary.
Dear Secretary,
I feel like I have made a friend here. You made me smile. I remember my dad telling me a similar thing when I was down. He said, "Son, whenever anyone tells you, you are one in a million? That means that there are 5000 people in China just like you." LOL.
Your dad was a wise man lol.
I'm always open to new friendships. :)
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