Learning my Limits

After a recent scare where I thought that my sister was trolling my blog, it was suggested to me that I close or erase the blog. That idea seemed to have merit.

However…

…this blog has been around for three years now, and even if I closed it or erased it, all you'd have to do in order to find it would be to type the name of the blog into Google and up would come the pages from the blog. They've been cached at various locations around the 'net, and, at this point, deleting the blog just won't make any difference.

I can choose to post differently about problems I have with my family, if I choose to post them at all. Right now, it is a sensitive time for me with regard to Niece's case.

Niece was going to be placed with me again as her foster parent, but her mother is protesting that. She has stated on the web that she no longer trusts me and that I have become part of the team that's arrayed against her, collectively know as CPS or The State.

She's right, to a certain extent. I don't believe Niece should be placed back with her. But my beliefs have nothing to do with the State's decision as to whether Niece goes back to her mother, contrary to her mother's conviction that this is all my fault. I believe she actually said on one of her many websites that 'the State is playing right into my sister's hands'. Ridiculous.

The State determines whether a child should be returned to their parent based on their own observations of the parent's behavior while service providers are in the home. They base their decision on whether Mom follows through on her appointments, assignments, and behaviors. My sister is heading for a termination of parental rights trial because she has failed to follow through with these things, not because of anything I have done. In fact, the state workers have always treated anything that I advised as not credible because they feel that there is a lot of enmity between my sister and I. They were more right than I knew, at the time. This is one of the reasons that I had to quit doing foster care.

I am only volunteering to do it now because the case is winding down and there is a strong possibility that Niece will be placed for adoption. Should worse come to worse, I don't want her lingering in foster homes, waiting for a permanent adoptive home, nor do I want her dealing with being placed in a home full of strangers. Should she be placed with me for adoption, she'd still be able to see her family, once things calmed down. I actually, perhaps foolishly, envisioned holidays together with my family. I envisioned Niece being this happy, healthy, clearly nurtured child who felt secure enough to be able to offer and accept love from other people. Were she to go back to her mother and live in that unhealthy environment, her chance of being that child would be the same as a snowball's chance in h*ll.

Well, I don't have any control over this. I can only take the next right step, and that means I can just keep maintaining my relationship with Niece and keep on being her aunt. That's fine with me; that's the only thing I can control in this mess. I don't have to fight the battle about placement. The State will take care of that and it is really in their hands. Fine with me. I'd rather not deal with it…not because I don't care, but because I can't be objective. I'd probably take stuff personally that shouldn't be taken personally, and whatnot.

In one sense, my sister is right. I did create this mess. I called CPS. And, while I was in my addiction (food), I did antagonize her and act like a total b*tch about things. Like religion. I took Niece to church and whatnot against my sister's wishes. I did want to be more spiritual at the time, but I also, I think, wanted to rub it in her face. That was really asinine. I was very angry with my sister for not raising her daughter, for putting me in the position of having to stop my life and start raising my Niece. During that part of my life, I wasn't ready for children, I think. Life has changed dramatically now, though, and now I'm ready to be a parent, if that's what is in the cards for this particular situation.

I think the worst thing about this whole thing is the waiting…waiting to know if I'm going to be a parent or if I'm going to remain child-free, waiting to know what my future's going to look like. I know one thing; my days certainly feel far more purposeful when I'm raising Niece than they do when I spend them alone. Perhaps if I do not adopt Niece, I could foster. We'll see.