Sunburn Day 5: Status: Almost healed. Very little pain, no blistering at all. :)

In fact, I was actually able to shower last night. Thank God…my hair was soooo gross.

Sunburn Day 4: Status: Not bad...less painful after Tylenol-induced coma. No blistering yet.

Who Knew Books Could Cause Such a Stir?

I decided to order some books for Phrecklette through her school. They were about $17 total. Since I don’t have checks yet for my new account, I had to get a money order. I got one last night at my bank and asked BF to take it to her school this morning. He asked me what it was for. Knowing he would give me his unsolicited advice about the wisdom of purchasing books for her, I said it was tuition. I didn't have time to argue with him this morning.

Well, being the smart cookie that he is, he figured it out and didn't give them the money order. Damnit. He thinks I should not be spending money on these books. He says I should get them from a garage sale or something. Normally I'd concur with that, but when do I have time to go to garage sales? Furthermore, these are really good quality books…books like the ones that I had when I was a kid. He says I should go through the books that I already have and read those to her first. We've read all of those…many of them are for kids much younger than she. Honestly, I need to get rid of them.

I wanted to get her some new books because I want to expose her to new things. New ideas, ways of speaking, concepts, the whole thing. Aren't we encouraged to do that as parents?

I guess I don't understand why this guy thinks he has a right to interfere in these decisions. Being alone is looking more and more inviting. At least then every decision is unanimous. My supervisor was right about that.

He just seems to have a problem respecting my boundaries and I don't know if I can deal with that. My boundary is that until I have financial responsibilities toward you and you have them toward me, you can offer advice, but if it's not taken, you shut your trap. I mean, isn't the idea in a relationship to find someone that you can accept as they are, not someone that you feel that you must change to fit what you want? Don't you need to find someone that is entirely what you want, then you build a relationship with them?

And doesn't it seem wrong to have your partner tell you that they've make mistakes and now they want to do better, and then you tell them that they will not do any better because they've previously failed to do so? I thought that in a loving relationship, you're supposed to show that you're in their corner.

I just wish I could stay calm during these discussions and not get so upset with him so I could calmly say what I need to say!!!

And to think I was actually going to let him put a piece of his furniture in my apartment…no way am I going to allow that now.

Feeling a Bit Left Out

BF had gNat last night, so he brought her over. But what bugs me about that is that we had a miscommunication about dinner last night. I thought he would be there for dinner. He gave me that impression but then he, seemingly inexplicably, did not show up.

I have to admit, when he has gNat, I feel a bit left out. Not because he has his daughter. I feel left out because he doesn't show up at my/our place until it's time for her to go to bed. She's all fussy and everything and then he wants me to try and bond with her. Well how am I going to do that? She's fussy and doesn't want me and she really just wants to go to bed. When we're at his parents' house and I try to hold her, his mom butts in and takes over. It's like she's putting me in my place.

And my place is fairly low on the totem pole. I seem to be relegated to changing diapers and holding the baby while her daddy is getting her crib set up. It seems like gNat might be getting a little more used to me, but I don't know…it's just frustrating because I feel like I'm being taken for granted.

I got some new Togs!!!!

Whoooo hoooo!!!!

Here I was, tiring of my hot pink-lined chocolate-brown Liz Claiborne bag when WHOOO!!! Out of the blue, one my New York directors brings me a brand new knock off of one VERY expensive bag!!!! :) It's sooooo loverly. I guess the brand name is Togs or something? I don't know. But it's so classy looking!! :) Good enough for this bland Midwesterner! I love it. Sometimes, being a secretary really does pay!

Especially around Christmas! Last year, I got about $300 worth of gift certificates to the newest exclusive shopping mall around here, Village Pointe. That was great. This year, maybe I'll be thin enough to actually buy some clothing or something lol. But I'm not really counting on that happening again, though. I mean, you should not count your chickens before they're hatched, and the DOSs of course are not obligated to do such generous things. If they do, that will be lovely, but if they don't, I'm not going to throw a fit.

More Recovery from the Ruin of the Financial House of Cards

Yippy skippy!
I'm a real person who can bank buy stuff online and stuff!!!!

My debit card came in the mail on Saturday and now I have my PIN. And NOW I can check out my account online! What a relief!!!!

Anyone who actually reads this, which I'm pretty sure there aren't that many, if any, will probably think that the bank was insane to give me a check card, but really!!!! I'm going to be good this time. And check this out! You can easily download your transactions right from their website, and I don't mean you have to then transcribe them to Money either. I mean you download them and Money will just import the suckers. YES! Gosh that'll make it so much easier to balance my checkbook!

Chex Systems
I almost couldn't get a bank account because I got listed with Chex systems…if any of you are reading this and you have the same problem, then go check out US Bank..they will give you a checking account if you haven't had a checking account closed against your will in the last year. www.usbank.com

Another thing you should check out, if you have been listed with these people is www.chexvictims.com. There is some good information on that site too.

Man, have I learned my lesson!!!!! I'm never paying another overdraft fee again!!!

You know what's so funny about this? BF kinda looks down on me because I'm not so hot with money, but ummmm I don't think he is either. His account is like, ALWAYS in the hole, and he never has money. I usually have to pay for things. Well, I don't mind so much though, because his ex girlfriend is sucking child support out of him for all he's worth. I do think he should pay child support, but ummm, in such an amount that the guy has to live off of $400 a month? I think that's a little excessive. Come to think of it, he wasn't that good with money even before the child support. He was busy running up his credit cards before his daughter was born and the whole shebang.

He reminds me so much of me sometimes. It's amazing. I was JUST like him at that age. Weird...

You know what might be fun?

Tracking the status of this year's Air Show Sunburn!

Ok -- day 1 was Saturday, 8/27 - initial burn. You idiot. Air Force, Marine guys, and Army guys were hot -- as well as the Bellevue swat team guys. Dayyyyyym. :o) hot enough to justify this burn? We'll see.

Day 2 - Sunday -- ohmygodthis hurts -- still beet red. Nope they weren't hot enough.
Day 3 - Monday (today) - wowthatstillhurtspleasedon'ttouchme - a little less red. Starting to itch; no blisters yet though. Why did I go to that airshow? What was I thinking? Men in uniform? Who gives a rat's ass??????

Stay tuned for day 4.

I Got Burned

This weekend because I went to the air show with no sunscreen. Man, I am SUCH a genius! Lol

I put Phrecklette in respite for the weekend. BF and I had a wonderful time until Saturday night, when he decided to try and talk me out of keeping her AGAIN. Man, he just will not let up.

We are doing ok right now, but I wish he'd just leave me alone about this. I am so tired of talking about it. And when he asks me to explain why I'm doing this, I feel upset that I have to justify a dang thing to him, and even if I were to explain it, I already know that he wouldn't accept the explanation. Even though everyone knows that children who are bounced around from home to home have trouble bonding with people later in life and they also feel worthless because 'nobody wanted them'. I don't want Phrecklette to have that feeling, but BF believes that the forementioned explanation is a bunch of hooey.  He doesn't accept any psychological explanations for anything!

I am still on the shrink, still making good choices. Yay! I can feel myself losing weight and I loved walking around at the air show this weekend. It was way cool. My clothes are loosening up a bit. I suppose I should get myself a bathroom scale again. Maybe this Friday, we'll see. :)

I feel like crap...

And other news…

Phrecklette's psych eval is today. Fun.

I'm so tired. There was a huge storm last night and it was INCREDIBLY loud. Ugh. And Phrecklette was scared outta her wits, so she slept with me.

Then I was too hot, so I turned the air way down, which was a mistake, because then it was so cold that my nose was cold. So I had to get up, AGAIN, and turn that thing down so we could thaw out.

My acid reflux almost made me puke in my sleep…at the very least, my throat is raw and I can't breathe too deeply because it will make me cough.

Phrecklette slept LATE this morning. It was amazing. All I have to do to have her sleep later is have her sleep with me? Hmm…naw, better not, I think it's probably not healthy to do that.

My cell phone is back on…another part of the recovery from the fall of the financial house of cards. Now I have to call my insurance agent and get my direct debit from my checking set up again. More fun.

I'm going to try to get respite for this weekend. I am so tired and there are some movies I want to see. :)

Yes, I know. This is quite boring.

Oh and one other thing…BF and I seem to be recovering from our recent fights. I think he's salvageable. We'll see.

"How Will it HURT YOU to buy this ice????"

Well I just had a loverly lunch with BF. He again tried to talk me out of keeping Phrecklette but I held my ground. We were actually able to TALK about it and not argue. I got a little miffed that he won't leave it alone, but I guess some people are just like that.

I got myself a new Crochet hook, so I'm excited about that. It's the next smallest size down from my size 6 steel hook. This will make it so I can make smaller stitches without having to crochet more tightly (and adding hand pain!).

Anyway, he took me to my new bank (rebuilding from the ruin of the financial house of cards' fall) and then to Hobby Lobby. Gosh I love that place. And we had a loverly conversation. He is worried because he has very little money (hmmm I know how he feels) and I said, "Well, why don't you get a part time telemarketing job? You're the most manipulative person I know, you could sell ice to an Eskimo." LOL. We both laughed so hard at that. And I said, "hey, all you have to do is just ask him, [one of his favorite things to use to argue with me] Hey! Mr. Eskimo, just LISTEN, PLEASE! How will it HURT you to buy this ice? How will it hurt, hmmm?" It was hilarious lol. From then on, there was a lot less tension.

We were even able to talk about Phrecklette's therapist, whom he intensely dislikes, without fighting. He expressed that she doesn't know what she's doing and how could a four year old be psycho-analyzed? After all, they haven't reached the 'age of reason'. Never mind that they can feel emotions regardless of that. And I said, look, you decide things with logic and reason too much! You're leaving out the essential part of being human: emotions.  I think I gained some ground there.

Well enough for now. I need to get some work done. Oh wait, I don't have any right now! Well the marketing lady has some for me, I'm sure. Sounds like they've hired a new marketing coordinator, which is great, because we need yet another anal grunt worker in the marketing department…the last one had that collateral room sooooo organized! Anyway, back to 'work'.

On the Shrink Again...

Well, my pants are looser and I am making better choices. It won't be long before we see me losing weight again. Yay. :)

That priest yesterday was right. What difference is it if Phrecklette is there or not? She was just an excuse for me to go back to my old ways. I should be able to lose weight with her there or not! I really let myself slide, but Phrecklette should be a reason to improve myself, not an excuse. There's no reason in the world why I can't make healthy food and exercise choices with her present. I can and I will! That's my responsibility…Phrecklette and my own health, my own life.

I saw my sister's apartment last night. It is not in a good neighborhood. Everyone around there is extremely poor and the apartment is very shabby. It reminds me of my old apartment, but it's a little bit better. The stairs will be good for my sister's weight, but I am worried. I am trying not to be, but I am. The worst thing right now is that there's no hot water at this time. I think they probably have it shut off temporarily while it's unoccupied, but I hope they are not ghetto landlords.

BF won't help her move, either. Well, not quite true…he will help her, but only if she pays him $50 for him and for his friend ($100) instead of the $60 he originally agreed to. I won't even tell her about it. It's just shameful that he'd try to take advantage of her like that, and I don't want my family to know how he's behaving.

It's sounding more and more like I should break up with BF, isn't it? It's so hard to let go of how good things are usually…we really get along wonderfully. He does special things for me, the whole nine yards. And that's not a honeymoon period thing…that's an every day thing. He normally is pretty darn easy to get along with. I can't count the nights we've spent laughing and smiling and having fun together. But when he gets stressed out, look out.

I know that men aren't fixer-uppers, but I am seeing now how it is that women will try and try and try. I can't marry him while he's like this…he has to figure out how to get a hold of himself. But what about the times that I freak out? I'm not necessarily any better at handling stress than he is.

Last Night Wasn't Too Hot

BF actually put his hands on me. He was holding me in place because I wanted to walk away. He was absolutely hysterical. And though it calmed down toward the end of the night, this is becoming a worrisome pattern. I love him so much, but where do I draw the line? I don't think he will ever hit me, but he did really have me thinking I was crazy and that I couldn't make decisions. Isn't that one of the signs of an abuser?

And he's still trying to lean on me about this. Even this morning, he is still insisting that keeping Phrecklette will hurt me and hurt her. That the environment in my home is unhealthy for both of us…and with him in the mix, he's right. How do I extricate myself from having him around so much?

BF May Be Ticked, but Phrecklette is Still Saying

In fact, he was so ticked, he almost had me talked into letting her go, but thank God he insisted we meet with that counsellor he trusts, because that counsellor sided with me and said that Phrecklette staying with me is what is best for her!

I WIN!

What is really pathetic about this is that I needed a counsellor to wake me up to what I knew to be true; that Phrecklette should stay with me and that this is MY decision solely, not BF's.

That priest saw what I saw…a man who desperately wants that child gone because she's burdensome to him. I don't even think he realizes that that's why. For someone who exhorts all around him to be barebones honest with themselves, he doesn't seem to be able to be honest with himself. Maybe it's that Freudian mirror effect...

I told him that I love him and I do not want to break up with him, but I will have to if he can't treat me like an adult.

Oh boy.....

Well, I told BF that Phrecklette will be staying with me…and he is not happy, to say the least. He says that I owe him communication. I owe him an explanation, I have to sit down with him and list out the pros and cons of Phrecklette staying with me. I don't owe him squat. He says I've lied to and deceived him. I haven't done either thing. This is such BS. I know I'm doing the right thing and I'm not changing my mind.

Phrecklette is staying put. :o)

I met with her caseworker and her therapist last night. This caseworker is different. She is much nicer than the other one. I mentioned how the other one had come to my home and treated me like a neglectful, abusive parent after Phrecklette fell off the balcony, and she said that perhaps my sister had poisoned the caseworker's mind against me.

That confirms my suspicions. From the things that the caseworker asked me about, it sounded like Cathleen had told her something to make her suspect me of nefarious things. I could just kill my sister over that. That immature fool - what did she want to happen? Did she want Phrecklette to go to the foster care system?

Anyway, like I said, this caseworker is different. She is treating me like I can be an actual contributor on this case, not just a glorified babysitter. She doesn't mind if I help do some visits, take Deirdre to go see her mom's new place, the whole nine yards. And so I'm more than happy to help Cathleen move, too. I'm kind of excited about it…I feel hope about this for the first time in a long time. It's been a long, dreary road for the past year.

The only thing I'm worried about is BF. He's emailed me this morning to ask whether I emailed the caseworker and he said that he hopes that I didn't meet with her. So now I have to come clean and say that yes I did and this is what I decided and that's it. He is going to be unhappy with this decision to say the least. I have emailed him back…I'm not too excited about the storm that's about to start raining on me.

But I feel this is the right decision. I love Deirdre like she's my own and I'm doing my duty to this child; seeing this through to the end. That is what I committed to do for Deirdre.

The Responsibility of Having Lost Over 100 Pounds

Is surprising to say the least.

This morning I was downstairs getting ready for two simultaneous client visits and I met someone I hadn't seen in a long time. This person had once told me how inspired she was that I had lost weight; she knew that she could do it too because she had seen me do it. She's kind of an administrative nazi, but I don't work with her much, so that's alright.

Anyway, I remember that day clear as a bell, at least the part where she told me how inspired she was whenever she saw me walking away lol. For anyone who reads this, I used to weigh 369 pounds, then I lost about 140, and now I've gained some back, but not all. I didn't notice her standing there at first, and then she said, "Hi ______." fairly loudly.

I guess that when you lose that much weight, it is inspiring to people. For one, they see someone turning their life around. And that's inspiring, of course. But for another, they think, well if THAT person can do, I sure can! And then they see you gain a lot of it back and probably either lose some of their own steam or just think, "Well, I sure don't have anything to feel guilty about."

Work: Ok, I've stewed over this long enough...

It still drives me crazy to no end that Twiggy keeps getting work assignments from Mr. Universe when I am the one who is supposed to be supporting him. Doesn't she have enough to do? I mean, the girl's got travel stuff to do up the ying yang, but I guess I'm just too fat or something to do work for Mr. Universe.

Or maybe it's the fact that I have to keep missing work because Phrecklette gets sick or has an appointment. OH wait, I get it, Mr. Universe has a soccer mom to take care of his kids so he doesn't have to miss work for this, that or the other.

Well, who knows that the guy's trip is.

But I guess I feel like I get a bad rap because I have to take time off in order to take care of a sick Phrecklette, or when Phrecklette has doctor's appointments. And I guess I feel like saying to those who may be judging me as a bad worker -- well gee, if I had a soccer mom at home to take care of my kid, I'd never miss work either!

But you know, that's what you get when you spend the first year of employment being an ungrateful fool…once you straighten out, it takes a while to erase that memory of you acting like a knitwit. :o( Remind me never to act like that again!

Tonight I meet with Phrecklette's SW

Well, against BF's wishes, I am going to meet with Phrecklette's SW.

BF is deathly afraid that the SW will convince me to keep Phrecklette through transition (transition = the time it will take to transition her to her mom's house). I did tell them to put a halt to finding her a place to be for now, but on reflection, I don't think that's such a good idea after all. I really am pretty burnt out and Phrecklette does deserve better. One point to assuage my conscience; transition might be easier for Phrecklette if she is not with me. I know it'll be easier on me. Although the State is trying to bribe me by paying me around $422 per month to keep Phrecklette, that certainly is not worth it. Haven't I given enough of my life?

Work is going well. Same old, same old. Three client visits this week, all of which I will have to arrive early for.

I got my resume finished. One of my friends helped me figure out the best format. It looks pretty good. But do I really want a new job? I'm kinda debating that one. Although I know my company would have no compunction about shedding me if it fit their needs, they have been really kind to me. All during this thing with Phrecklette, my supervisor has been nice to me, even when Phrecklette got sick when there were only 2 other admins in the office and so they had to work their butts off. And they've been super kind to me even when I was acting like an irresponsible child, calling in sick left and right during my first year here! I am paid really well for what I do here, but I am just so bored with it sometimes. But when you get lemons, you're supposed to make lemonade, right? So I guess it's up to me to make the best of this place. I will keep my options open, but I am not going to be actively searching for a new position.

Well, it's off to the races!

We Meet with Phrecklette's Social Worker (SW) on Monday

…..at Phrecklette's therapist's office.

I had another crying jag last night. I have already started feeling how sad I am going to be when Phrecklette leaves and I am no longer a mother. There won't be any more preschool for Phrecklette - as her mom can't afford it. There won't be anyone for me to pick up after work. No little girl squealing, "Mommy!!!" or "Sheila!!!" when I pick her up from school. No one to get up and get dressed in the morning or make breakfast or dinner for. I can't even imagine what it's going to be like being childless again. I've been doing this for going on two years now, and I just can't imagine this change.

I keep asking BF why do I have to do this? He says it's because I have to work on me, and Phrecklette needs someone who has already worked on themselves. Phrecklette needs someone who can balance their checkbook and not have to make $5.00 of food stretch out for a whole week because her financial house of cards collapsed. Honestly, he's right about that. I have gained so much weight and had so many problems since taking this on. That's not Phrecklette's fault; it's my fault for making a decision to do this when I wasn't ready. But what's so funny about that is that I felt completely ready and prepped to do this at the time.

But what about the bond between Phrecklette and I? How will she take this when she moves to a home full of complete strangers? Will she feel like I rejected her? Will she feel like it's her fault?

I am just really struggling with this right now. And I will be struggling with it for a long time, no doubt.

What to do about Phrecklette...

The problem of what I should do about Phrecklette still continues to weigh heavily on my mind. I will miss her so much.

BF says no, do not keep her, and I just don't want to agree with him. But he says that I have deteriorated so much over the past year…and he's right.

I used to be actually interested in wearing makeup, in looking good, and things like that. Now I just don't care. Sometimes I am reminded of that, like when I read Jolie in NYC's blog…she loves makeup and that used to be me. I used to love that. Now I don't care all that much. In fact, I've thrown so much old expensive makeup away that it's not even funny. Stuff like Prescriptives, Estee Lauder, you name it. I wouldn't mind going back to just being a girl.

But it is so crucial that I make the absolute right decision about Phrecklette. I don't want to be the cause of screwing up her life! The caseworker wants me to keep her, her therapist wants me to keep her, but when I talk to my sister and see that she has no sense of urgency, that she feels like she doesn't need to move things along, I can't help but wonder if that is because Phrecklette's with me and not in a foster home. Thank God that Phrecklette knows nothing of any of these things.

I don't know if I can stand being an aunt and having Phrecklette always asking me when she can come home. Or why she can't live with me. Or anything like that. That's what happened last time; I would go to visit her and she'd be there in her diaper (at 3 years old, mind you) and we'd go for a walk, if we could find clean clothes for her, and she would ask to come home with me. She would say, "I want to come live with you. Why can't I come with you?" If I had kept her then, I think we'd have been together forever. But it was her mom's decision and the state wasn't involved back then. All we had was a gentleman's agreement and you know that one of those can be changed whenever one of the parties feels like it. I should have gotten the state involved at the start.

If anyone's reading this, just remember that with child abuse, where there's smoke, there's fire, and you are probably a mandatory reporter. Especially if you live in Nebraska. You need to report it and let the state sort it out. If I had reported things to the state when I should have, instead of trying to do it all myself, then this would not be happening. Here is a link to the signs of child abuse… http://kidshealth.org/parent/positive/family/signs_child_abuse_p2.html

Gallery of the Absurd

This site is awesome with a capital A. If anyone actually reads this blog, lol, then that one person should go check out this site and laugh their, umm, hiney..off. :)

http://galleryoftheabsurd.typepad.com/14/

I can email blog posts? Oh far out!

Wow, so this is totally cool. Now I can email from anywhere, right? Far out. Well maybe I should do some work before I leave tonight…hmmm..

So I was thinking of not going through with letting Phrecklette go...

but after talking to my idiot sister today, I am HEAVILY leaning toward it. God I can't stand it!

It's not that I don't like being a mom. There are many cool things about it. But what I do NOT like is being taken advantage of...and to hear my sister talk today, she has PUH-LENTY! of time to get her ass in gear and move out. She said she'll probably move in September and that she's in no hurry to which I replied with heavy sarcasm,

"Don't you have any sense of urgency????? Suuuuuuure, just take all the time you want while Phrecklette and I put our lives on hold so we can clean up after you!!!!"

I just want to throttle her. I wish I could move to a different state to get away from these people!!

And in Other News...

I may not be letting Phrecklette go as promised. A new caseworker has been assigned and this one actually seems to give a damn. For one thing, she's not going to have that whackjob therapist of my sister's doing family therapy. Thank God. If Phrecklette will be leaving foster care in the next 30-60 days, then I have no problem keeping her.

However, BF would definitely have problem with it. I know we are supposed to be building a life together and working on 'us', and I don't want to lose him. But don't I have to do what my conscience dictates? And right now, my conscience dictates that if it's only going to be another month or two until Phrecklette can just go home, why should she be exposed to the pain and feeling of abandonment that being moved to a stranger's home would surely expose her to? BF says she's adaptable, but I just think that it is a scary prospect to do that without some kind of good reason. Saving myself and the sanity that I've achieved - yes that is a good reason. But when I know it's only going to be another 30-60 days, anyone can endure that, right?

Meanwhile, BF is counting the days. I don't blame him. Yes it would be so much fun to have it just be us. It would be great for us to just be adults and create our own family. Of course it would. But then, he is not bonded to Phrecklette like I am. She is like my daughter.

I remember the first time she went back to her mom. She kept asking me if she could come home and live with me. I wanted to say yes so badly!!!! But I couldn't. I just don't want to go through that again.

Well, this caseworker seems good and she and I will meet with D and her therapist soon. After that meeting, I will know more.

Cleaning Up the Debris from the Financial House of Cards' Collapse

Well I finally called the bank. They are closing my accounts, but not before my paycheck is deposited. And oh yeah, they won't give me the balance of my leftover money. No, they will hold it for about a week and then send me a check in the mail.

So I tried to stop the direct deposit, figuring, well I'll stop it and then just pay them off in cash. No dice. Payroll says that the money's already been transmitted to them and all that a bank does is release it on the day it should be released. They said that if the account's overdrawn, which it's not at this time, then the bank will not reverse it. If it is not overdrawn, then they might. So I'm hopeful that my $ will fall through the cracks.

Meanwhile, there is always my savings account in Kansas, so I won't be penniless for an entire two weeks while the bank sorts their stuff out. But I won't be living 'high on the hog', that's for sure. I will have to call the power company and put them off, and I'll also have to call the cable company, and put them off. Actually, let them eat cake, because I don't really watch TV anyway. But then there's still my car insurance, which automatically comes out of my checking account, and then there's also still my AOL, ditto for that. And there's also the delayed deposit service. It'll be fun telling them they can't have any money for a while. No, I really shouldn't let anyone eat cake; I need to get this taken care of and not just sit on my hands. I mean, look what that has gotten me!!!! To not do anything would be radically stupid.

The positive side of this is that the madness is stopping. It's a hard way to stop it and it's a hard lesson to learn, but nevertheless, there will be no more direct deposit advance and delayed deposit cycles...no more being in the hole before I get paid every two weeks and constantly having to try to be creative with deposits and withdrawals. What a relief.

I'll now be able to live like a normal, HONEST person. I hated all that deceit but felt like I had no choice. It felt so dirty at the time. I guess you could say that there is nowhere to go from rock bottom but up. :) The other good news is that no one has this checking account information, so that means that none of the collection agencies have it either, from when I was desperately trying to pay bills previously. And it's not affiliated at all with my married name, so no confusion whatsoever about that either.

Now the challenge is to get a new checking account somewhere...I tried another bank last night and they conditionally approved me. This recent fiasco will not show on my credit, but I do have poor credit from my bankruptcy and what preceded it. So that could stop me, but then I could also try to get a checking account with my bank that has my savings in Kansas. That might be the easiest route.

So there is life after you phenomenally screw up...check out this quote...

If you have made mistakes...there is always another chance for you...you may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call "failure" is not the falling down, but the staying down.

-- Mary Pickford (1893-1979) Canadian Actress

Why Am I Awake at About 6AM on a Sunday Morning?

One word: stress

If you're in debt
and you know it,
cry your tears
(weep weep)

If you're in debt
and you know it,
cry your tears
(weep weep)

If you're in debt
and you know it
then your purse
will surely show it

If you're in debt and you know it, cry your tears...

My financial house of cards has collapsed, and I don't have the slightest shred of a clue on how I'm going to fix it. Well, I guess I have a shred. Sell some MK, get a PT job. BF suggested waitressing. I guess I could do that...I could do anything for 2 weeks, which is how long I figure I'd need to work in order to get some money and get myself out of this debt.

Keep in mind...I'm not talking about credit cards. I wiped all those out in bankruptcy. :) I'm talking about the lure of those 'we'll hold your check until payday' places. I'm talking about being a total spendthrift, which is what my ex-husband (accurately) called me in court papers. Loverly.

I grew up like this. When payday came, we lived 'high on the hog' as my dad liked to say. But right before payday and almost immediately after, our lives were a miserable, stressful existence. Bills went unpaid, we hid from the utilities man, the bill collectors called, you name it. Children really do learn what they live. Mom and Dad robbed Peter to pay Paul, and now I'm doing the same.

BF says I can change and that he will help me to figure out how to get myself out of this mess. How can he be so understanding? Why would he even want to understand, let alone tie himself in matrimonial bliss forever to me, when I'm such a wreck, financially and otherwise? My greatest fear is that he will get tired of it one day soon and then he'll decide he's had enough and up and leave. Because where is the benefit for him? Where? I don't see any. Yeah we have fun together, yes we love eachother, but what else? Well, I guess I don't have to figure that out, since I have no control over someone else's actions, right? Yep.

Moving right along, Phrecklette will be up in less than 2 hours and I've gotten no sleep. How am I going to take care of her?

Well, another day begins, and this day, I am going to have to call and talk to the Bank's loss prevention department. Do you know what that code stands for? "Anti-theft Department". That's what it really means. And what that also means is that my poor, poor spending habits have now gone so far down the sewer that they've turned me into a veritable thief. Loverly.

Part time employment bliss, here I come. Dangit, I really liked that bank. Oh well. Could be worse...but I'm not quite sure how.

I'm in a financial house of cards...

and it could collapse at any moment. Man I am so bad with money. I have got to do something about this. I wish I could just pay someone else to manage my bills and give me an allowance! Because I KNOW that I *should* have more than enough money to take care of everything, yet I find myself struggling. UGH!!!

Last night I went a little psycho on poor BF. I don't know why he puts up with me. Basically, he and I have a difference of opinion on whether Phrecklette should see a counsellor. My thought is heck yeah she should. I mean, look what she is dealing with during her formative years! I grew up in the same kind of environment and it does a number on you, no doubt. What can it hurt?

He absolutely despises her counsellor. He met her one time and because she couldn't 'sell' herself to him and explain the 'model' she was going to use to help Phrecklette, he was like, "ok, she is a crackpot." I thought she seemed just fine and she does seem to help Phrecklette, I guess.

Well, ok, I don't see how she really does anything for Phrecklette. But the changes could be happening inside of that child...and how much help is she going to need when she's back with her mom? And how much help is she going to need with the transitions that are going to be happening soon in her life? They are huge transitions. No more preschool, no more la Phreckle, just home with Mommy all the time.

Anyway, I am HUGELY sensitive to the issue. And I don't know why. It doesn't make any sense. Maybe it's the way he goes about proving his points, but honestly, does a 4 yr old need therapy? Does she really NEED it? And if she does, how much of that does she need? He worries that this is going to make Phrecklette dependent on therapy and pills for the rest of her life.

He may have a point there...I mean, if I hadn't stopped seeing my therapist, I'd have been going forever, with no end in sight. She even mentioned that some people keep going forever for 'maintenance' therapy. And she didn't like me going off of antidepressants. I am so glad I did though. On both counts.

Well, I think that BF may be right. But Phrecklette is not my child, and I have to do what they tell me I need to do. I will continue taking her to the therapy, because I know she will need it when she goes home to Mommy dearest. And the therapist will be able to monitor what is going on with Deirdre and will be able to report anything she sees going awry. So I will not have to do as much watching. That will be helpful. But I will not tell BF that I am taking her.

But you know I can't figure out why BF would want to continue to be with me, I was so crazy last night! It really was ridiculous. And I did treat him terribly. I have to stop doing that, or I am going to lose him.

Movie Reviews

I know these movies are so old that they're out on video, but keep in mind that I am from Nebraska and therefore am not quite as hip as most people. :)

Napoleon Dynamite
This guy has the same disease that Sean "Puffy" Combs has...perpetually open-mouthed. Not a very animated guy, the highlight of his social life was when one of the popular girls accepted his request to accompany him to a high school dance. Little did he know it was because "Uncle Rico" told the girl's mom that Napoleon wasn't overnight potty-trained yet and the popular girl's mom forced her to accept. :) Don't worry Napoleon, I know it's super-hard to get that dry-overnight thing going on, I just got through potty-training my niece, who's 4 1/2.

Bottom line, this is one of those movies where the plot isn't really going anywhere and you only watch it because you've heard people talking about it and you're curious about why they were talking about it. Your curiosity drives you to keep watching because the entire time you're watching the movie, you keep wondering when are they going to have the part that made everyone talk about this movie? Eventually you reach the end.

I Heart Huckabees
This movie is actually pretty good, if Blockbuster's dang DVD wasn't so crappy. It had scratches and toward the end, it kept hiccuping every few seconds. Total pain. Naomi Watts was so amazing though. Funnier than hell. And the machete action was pretty cool too. Jude Law was good; that nursing thing was a little freaky.

D went to see Janwitch this weekend overnight on Saturday night. I needed a break pretty bad. August 26, when I'll be parting ways with my little niece, is approaching fast. Only 18 days until that day and it's a little scary.

D's therapist
...wants to see her today at 5pm and I'm cool with that. Even though that therapist dissed me to everyone else on the case by stating that my bf is a control freak and delving into my private life with my sister. Not OK, people. Definitely one of the things that made me angry enough to hang it all up.

I can't wait to see this woman. Or not.

My weight continues to go up and I feel ridiculously helpless to stop it. Which is so not true because as anyone knows it is up to you and no one else to get this weight off your body. I feel super tired this morning from having stayed up way too late last night, so I probably shouldn't think too much about it, since I'll just make myself feel terrible. I mean, I feel helpless enough...better not to think too much about this when I feel so tired that I can hardly imagine lifting my ass out of this seat. I can't even think about exercising when I'm feeling this tired.

I need to find a way to look on the bright side but right now I just don't feel like it, honestly. It is so selfish, but I am counting the days until D leaves. I feel like a great struggle will have finally ended for me...a great conflict.

Back in the days of la Buddha and the therapist, both of those ladies wanted to blame my weight gain and out of control life on BF's presence. They thought it was him...he was a bad influence on my life. But I'm here to tell ya, it wasn't him. No, it was my decision to turn myself into a parent overnight...just as I was beginning to enjoy independence, solitude, looking after myself, being healthy, all those things. God, that was the springtime of my life. I think it's not too late to get it back.

But the dream that was getting married and having children...well that's gone now. I don't have the sense of urgency that I once had about that. I don't know what my ultimate dream is now, but that's not it. Or, to put it a better way, that might not be the main focus. My ultimate dream now is to be healthy. That's it. I just want to feel good about myself again, like I used to.

Back when I got D, my self esteem was on a downward spiral for a number of reasons. I was off of the euphoric high of having left and divorced my ex husband. The euphoric high that was my 'relationship' with Mr. Wrong was lessening and petering out, the potency of which having been lessened by the growing reality that Mr. Wrong was a total liar (by the way, now he's got 3-6 months to live because of his melanoma, and he's supposedly still got his bun in his fiancee's oven or whatever, and he really wanted to talk to me and be 'friends' until he found out I'm back together with my BF...why do I not think he just wanted to be 'friends'? Maybe I should change his nickname from Mr. Wrong to Fantastic Liar) and I had just wasted 18 months of my life on him.

I had a point when I began this section of the post but now I'm meandering. I think that the point is that I shouldn't have taken D in, for my own sake. And for her sake. How can I parent her when I can't take care of myself? How can I provide her with stability when I don't have it for myself?

I keep dreaming of a simple life and you know what really really reminded me of that? Watching Napoleon Dynamite. The biggest thing that guy had to worry about was going to school every day. And trying to find a suit for the high school dance.

I seem to remember my therapist trying to tell me something about conflict. When I had that terrible job. She said that the reason I couldn't really succeed at it was because it was in conflict with my values and things. I was fighting against giving poor people unemployment. Not something I could emotionally get behind and be passionate about. I think that, although I may not have realized it up front and center, taking D was really in conflict with my life at that time. I was finally starting to care for myself and take care of myself, and then I chose to put myself on the back burner once more. It was a mistake...because I had finally reached a point in my life where I believed it really was important to take care of myself, and I had reached a point where that was what I actually wanted...and then I just stopped. And the aftermath of that is what you see here... my weight ballooning up, my finances even more out of control.

The only thing that's going well is my job which, and this is so funny, was totally not going well at all during the time that I was actually taking care of myself! Or, wait...no that's not true. It was going decently at that time. I certainly had more energy for it, that's for sure.

It's weird, but writing in this blog actually is making me feel a little bit better about my situation...making me remember what that time in my life felt like.

It's funny, you know...most people who write blogs, from what I have seen, do not talk much about their personal lives, their tragedies and struggles, joys, etc. They talk about surface things, like their careers, or maybe even someone else's life...but not their own, really. Maybe because it's a little stupid to put all this out on the 'net...or maybe the stupidity of it, the lack of regard for whatever consequences may spring up, makes it daring more than anything else. But I hesitate to use the word daring to describe what I'm doing. LOL, I know BF would definitely term it 'stupid'.

My caveat with that, though, is the phrase, 'from what I've seen'. We already talked about me being from Nebraska and therefore, not necessarily seeing all that much lol. :)

It's Friday ---- YES!

Ok so let's check out my horoscope for today...

Sheila,
You may be more unyielding now than you realize and your ideas, however optimistic they may be, can be limiting your choices. You see the world through a fixed lens, making it difficult to adjust to the changing circumstances. Reevaluate your needs and new possibilities will appear that can alter the course you have chosen.

Hmmmm...I wonder what this is talking about. Oh hold on, gotta answer another wrong number call..."no this is not Geico! you fat-fingered knitwit." Actually I'm pretty nice to them, even after 3 years of taking these stupid calls.

ok back to the horoscope...could they be any more broad?

oh wait...got another Geico call...this person sounded put off by my vehement no when he asked if this was Geico after I answered the phone..."____ Corporation Sales and Marketing, this is ___, how can I help you?" HELLO! I just answered the phone _______ Corporation! Does that sound like Geico?

See why it's hard to wax philosophic at work? Because I'm too busy explaining to umpteen numbers of knuckleheads that this is not Geico! Forget the stupid horoscope!

oh wait, hey, I can put up links today! Crochet links and gossip links...links links links.

Every so often, I like to mix things up occasionally in my blog by actually posting. :)

Sooooooooo here goes nuttin..

Back with the BF LOL. Surprise surprise! Things are going well...

Phrecklette is going back to her mom soon. Good thing, because I gave my frickin notice. I am so tired of being screwed around by the system and being used by my sister. I have met some great foster parents that will provide Phrecklette a much better experience than I can.

But back to the point. My sister found an apartment in a nasty section of the city where some guy laid dead for a week with bar patrons stepping over his rotting corpse yet no one reported it. I'm so thrilled that my niece is going to live near such wonderful people. Yippy skippy. But in any case, that's still better than her living with my mom and dad, who are energy suckers in the extreme. If she can make a go of it, then I support her. And I pray to God she doesn't screw up again.

Work is the same. I am expanding my repertoire of skills and getting more assignments. Yay. :)

My weight has skyrocketed. Am I still the girl in that picture? Well my collarbones show a little bit and my hair is pretty much the same. I could also wear my makeup like that and pencil my eyebrows...but that shirt would now ride up to right under the twins. BF and I are going to work on losing weight together after Phrecklette goes home. I have had one hell of a time coping with raising her by myself.

will post more when I feel like it, not that anyone reads this. But what the heck. :) Oooooo...I need to put links to those awesome celeb gossip blogs that are out there right now. Sadly, I can't contribute because I live in the backward state where no one actually wants to visit. But hey! Henry Fonda lived here and went to my high school. John Wayne is from here too, as is Gerald Ford, Marg Helgenberger (her mom still lives here). Tommy Lee is from here and his sister still lives here. Well, not exactly a claim to fame, though I'm sure his sister is much classier than he is. :)

Alrighty, gotta go. Have a good night.