Thursday, December 22, 2005

Another EA Bites the Dust

Well we've lost another EA. This one is the infamous Adminzilla.

I guess her drunken escapades at Tuesday's Christmas party and also 2004's Christmas party just didn't go over very well. Or perhaps it was her abuse of those she thought she had power over. Maybe it was because she talked down to so many people. One thing is clear though; even though Supervisor says she resigned, her sweater and miscellaneous personal effects are still in her cubicle and Supervisor is very, very mum about it.

I had my first screw up of the day today and I think my a** is grass. I went back to talk to Supervisor about it but she was away from her desk, Napoleon's door was closed, and the guy whose task I screwed up was also away from his desk. UH. OH. And the guy whose task I screwed up was MAD with a capital M. It's possible that I will be the next to bite the dust. We'll see.

Meanwhile, the search for a new EA begins. We'll see what we get next.

YES! N's door is open and Twiggy just told me that the Little General had gone downstairs. So he was not in N's office screaming for my head. Thank God!

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

I need to vent...

I am having a very whiney day.

I feel oh-so-put-upon because I have worked past 7pm at least 3 times in the past two weeks. Wah. I know there are some people who regularly expect to work that late; but I am an administrative assistant and that is not my expectation (nor is it my supervisor's), hence, when it happens, it is irritating to some degree. One late night every so often is not irritating. That would make me feel somewhat important and non-dispensable. But this is a little much for me. Every day is turning into a grinder.

And that is making me feel not so kindly toward other people. For example, Adminzilla's husband just called and whenever he calls, he just goes, "Adminzilla please." And I'm like, would you freakin' relax? My next thought was, "Gee, aren't they a matched set. Both of them think way too much of themselves…"

Poor Boyfriend got the brunt of it last night when I was running all day on 2 hours sleep, presenting a happy face to the office but taking way too much pent-up angst out on him. He had his gNat last night, so Monday nights are typically spent at his parents' house with him and the gNat and his mom and his great grandma. That's alright, but I am usually tired at the end of the day, so this little ritual, while enjoyable when conducted, is privately held in scorn by me. I had to run around on my employer's business last night and when I finally got there to pick him and the wee one up from his parents' house, the car had refused to start a few times and I was very very tired. Another way to read that sentence is to just think of the word "irritable". That sums it up nicely.

So I'm sitting in the kitchen while his mom is bouncing gNat on her knee and generally oohing and aahing over the future spoiled brat. I go, "You've been married for God knows how long. What makes it successful?" And she goes, "Every day, it's like a competition to see who can do the most for the other."

I don't know why, but that scared the heck out of me. So basically, it's all about getting outside of yourself. That is the crux of the matter. I am way too focused on my own problems to care about someone else to the depth that one must in order to make a marriage work. I'm too selfish.

Now she did not say that, and that is not what she meant either. Point is, why would it scare someone to hear that the secret to a happy marriage is to give all of yourself to your partner and then they will do the same for you? Why would that be scary? Because you would then have to take the focus off of yourself entirely and put it on the other person instead. That's what's scary. This is one of those times when I wish other people read this blog so I could hear what they think of this idea.

I need to relax pretty badly. I invited Boyfriend and gNat to come up here and visit me for lunch. I know it is unplanned, but it would relax me considerably to visit with them for like 15 minutes or something. Anything to get me away from this stupid desk. Boyfriend seemed a little put out that he must stop by my work (oh sweet Jesus no!!) and descend from on high during his time as Disneyland Dad with gNat to come and visit lowly childless old nag Me, but he agreed nonetheless.

That paragraph is just one example of why I seriously need to relax.

Friday, December 02, 2005

Why Katie Holmes Thinks Tom Cruise is All That and a Bag of Chips...

http://decentcontent.com/index.php/decentopinion/by-yusuke/tard-of-the-week-chris-klein-actor-bachelor-alpha-male/

Hilarious. Chris Klein is their tard of the week. LOL.

And sadly true.

Even more sadly, this idiot is from Omaha, Nebraska, my hometown. Disgusting.

Today's Horoscope

Sheila,
You are like a rock today -- solid in your position and steady enough for others to lean on. You might be called upon to settle a dispute or otherwise play out the role of an authority figure. Embrace this task, for you can help others while improving your self-esteem at the very same time.

Maybe this is referring to Adminzilla.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Today's horoscope

Sheila,
This New Moon is in your 2nd House of Possessions and your own self worth may now be called into question. If others are playing a part in your current bout with self doubt, remember that they may merely be taking cues from you. It's a good thing that you Scorpios are masters of metamorphosis, for no one else can make you feel better; it must come from within.

Yippy skippy.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Twiggy and Me

Now that I am responsible and well-dressed as well as chipper….actually, let's just stop right there. It's exhausting just to look at that.

Anyway, now that I am responsible and well-dressed and chipper to boot, Twiggy thinks I am her new best friend. She is constantly telling me all this stuff about her life and, well, whatever crosses her mind. That's ok except that I really do have work to do now. So it becomes a problem when I have to turn around and tend to my work while trying not to be rude. I don't want tick her off.

Well I have to go work on contracts now. Before the contract Nazi sends me to the employment gas chamber...

Today's horoscope

So right on.

Sheila,
You must shift gears now and get ready for the changes ahead. Even if you have been focusing on external relationships, now you will benefit more from taking care of personal business. This is about creating the necessary security so you can direct your attention to more meaningful things. If nothing else, at least catch up on paying bills, balancing your accounts and taking care of unresolved money issues.

Monday, November 28, 2005

Today's Horoscope

Sheila,
Your emotional needs are even stronger now than usual, yet it could be easy to find what you are seeking. The key to your success lies in the unconventional approach you take to expressing your feelings. Others may be quite refreshed by your frankness and your originality. Even those who have been opposing your efforts will be converted by your brilliant style, especially if backed up with substance.

I don't know what this is referring to and don't have time to puzzle it out right now but maybe later when I'm not running a mile a minute.

Friday, November 25, 2005

Actually, this is today's horoscope

That was yesterday's.

Sheila,
You can be a great team player today if you are prepared for what you must do. It might be difficult to jump into a situation and learn as you go. If you are not ready, be patient and give yourself a chance to make mistakes. Perfection won't come in an instant, but may be the result of trial and error, and concentration.

Today's Horoscope

Sheila,
Give yourself the freedom to talk about your real needs today. This isn't just about finding meaning in life and expressing what's in your soul. It's about the practical side of living, too. Don't try to be so profound that you miss the simple stuff that's right in front of you. Even the most cosmic discussions with friends or family can help you figure out basic strategies for improving your life.

Hmm…the only thing right this minute that could improve my life would be some serious pain pills.

Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson Are No More

Everyone knew it was going to happen, but I am sad for them nonetheless. Who knows what went on between those two…but I was hoping they would survive it.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Today's Horoscope

Sheila,
Working as part of a group has its rewards and challenges. Today, for example, you might encounter a competitive colleague who is hiding ill will behind a smiling face. This person might not even be aware of his or her behaviors because the real motivations can be repressed. Being friendly can help bring your relationship back to a more trusting place.

Awwww…how sweet…but being friendly to Adminzilla doesn't really get you anywhere.

She still treats you like you're her serf.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Today's Horoscope

Sheila,
More than other signs, you Scorpions are tuned into the Sun's entrance into Sagittarius, for it now leaves your sign behind. There's a lot ahead of you with respect to resolving issues regarding your own self-worth, but it feels like there is more hope now on the horizon. Be patient, yet persistent. Don't ease up on what you know you must do. But realize that it's going to take some time to achieve the results you desire.

It feels like there is more hope on the horizon? Where?

I'm pretty stressed about paying for the damage to the car I hit…I have to call that guy soon but I keep putting it off. I will call him, at the very least, this Friday, after I do my budget.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Today's Horoscope

Sheila,
Responsibility comes naturally to you these days, but not without a small price. You must find ways to take your anger and channel it through socially accepted modes of expression. Putting more effort toward your career or long-term goals may be one way of easing your frustration, but be careful that you don't over-react to a situation. Take it all in stride, for with Jupiter in your sign, what you do now will pay off over the months ahead

I'm not awake enough for heavy-duty introspection today. So I don't have a clue what this means or refers to.

Friday, November 18, 2005

What is My Greatest Fear?

Well, that depends on the day and mood, but for now, let's talk about a big one, which is that this blog would get 'discovered' and people might actually want to read it.
 
Can you imagine the acerbic comments I'd get about some of the stuff I post? I see blogs like Opinionistas and WaiterRant.net getting terrible comments, and they don't really post about their shortcomings. That I can tell, anyway. I've posted about my huge lack of responsibility at times, the fact that Boyfriend and I have broken up and gotten back together a bunch of times, that I gave my niece back to the state (horrors!), that I am pro-life (worse horrors, for some folks), my opinions about everything basically.
 
And then I enabled comments.
 
Now so far, no one has commented. Hardly anyone reads this blog. Which is fine by me. I don't think I want that to change. My quiet little corner of the world can stay quiet and that's cool. I don't want people trying to ferret me out. Especially people in my workplace or family. And some of the stuff that's happened to me isn't run-of-the-mill, could-happen-to-anyone stuff. It's very, ummmm, distinctive. Know what I mean? Anyone who reads about my niece and my struggles with that will, if they know who I am, know who the author of this blog is. And anyone who knows who I am -- well, I don't really want them reading this. My anonymity is the reason I feel free writing here. I can really say whatever I want. Like even stupid stuff about how right Kanye West was about the president not caring about black people.
 
(My first take on that was the same as the average non-educated American's. Then you hear about a different perspective and you realize...West probably wasn't right.)
 
So anyway, on with my evening. This evening shall include a visit to Wal*Mart for snacks and a movie...either Chicken Run or Planet of the Apes with Mark Wahlberg. Au revoir!  

Today's Horoscope

Sheila,
You are pulled now between your desires for self-expression and responsibilities to yourself and your community. There isn't a quick solution, for circumstances beyond your control can prevent you from doing what you want. There is no need to be in a hurry. Your ability to control your energy will eventually bring you success.

I guess this might represent my desire to pay for the damages of the car I hit and my feeling that I might stroke out when I realize that doing so will put me in proverbial poorhouse for the next 3 months in order to get it done. :o) And that includes the month of December. What's in December, ladies and gents? Christmas.

But my responsibilities to that gentleman come first. So, such is life.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Chris Klein -- One Big Ugh

This guy sounds like a creep from the word go. What a pig.

http://entertainment.msn.com/movies/hotgossip3

I really, really, really wish this guy was not from around here. He's making us look like a bunch of jerks.

It's getting more and more easy to understand why Katie Holmes loves Tom Cruise. After reading this, you'll say to yourself, "Well, good for Katie, at least she got rid of this jerk."

A Master's Degree is No Promise That Someone is Smart

My Director in a certain cosmetics line that I love just sent me that email that says Bill Gates is sharing his fortune…

Now I really like my director and all; she is real and encouraging, really just an awesome person who has built her own business and taken charge of her life. Her business bought her husband, her children, and herself a large new house in West O. I've been to the house; it's beautiful.

But umm…well…doesn't pretty much everyone know this is a hoax?

http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/nothing/microsoft-aol.asp

Oh Lipstick Lady!
I will pray for you! :)

Today's Horoscope

Sheila,
You may not be able to find what you're looking for today, but this is not a real obstacle to happiness. Accepting the limitations now being placed on you can save you a serious headache, for you won't be able to overcome them. There's no need to fight authority as if it was the enemy. It's not. Working within the constraints may give you the safety that you seek.

Hmmm…Ain't that the truth.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Oh.My.God.

That vapid bag of flesh I call Twiggy is gossipping about the latest unforunate's misadventures (Peanut Butter).

That she is gossipping is just routine.

That she is gossipping to Napoleon is insanely wrong. Why would you DO that?????? Good God, he is not your friend!!!! He is the person, who, if you screw up, is going to be the lawnmower mowing you down, bagging you up, and then walking your ass to the unemployment office! But you could be spared…if he likes you and will give you another change. She is ruining people's second chances by doing this!

I don't know if I can stand it.

Wait…salvation…sounds like she's gossipping to the Marketing Manager…we'll call that person M&M. M&M is actually nice. But I could have sworn that she tried to gossip to Napoleon about this. I know I heard his voice.

Twiggy's Only Happy When It Rains...

Chapter 1 Zillion and Twenty…

Now she's gossipping about someone new. At least it's not Adminzilla. And there's not as much malice involved.

There was a vacant office in this Hall of Egos known as Sales. They give people offices based on their performance, as offices are a bit dear. Sooo one of my favorite Directors, who has also performed very well, while still managing to act like a human, got the vacant office.

Another Director (we'll call this one PB, as in Peanut Butter) had been sqatting in it and was being a bit territorial about it. Apparently, he wasn't too happy about having to go back to his lot in the cubefarm.

I have done an unbelievable amount of work for Peanut Butter. His letters are very poorly written. I practically rewrite them so prospects don't think his brains truly are made of peanut butter. Then I shuffle around the prospect names in each letter, print em out, he signs, I put them together with collateral, and overnight them out. Not a big deal…but when there are about 25 of them in a shot, it can be a problem.

However, even that wouldn't really be a problem if he hadn't written me this note: "CelerySticks has really been on us about getting these out by a certain deadline, so I might have told him they were already done…hush hush on the big rush." Well, okey dokey, Peanut Butter. I'm no rat.

Unless you rat on me first. In that case, Katie bar the door.

More Reasons to Intensely Dislike Insurance Companies

Did I mention that I had a car accident on November 5, a Saturday?

Yup. I did. It was of the sandwich variety; the sandwich variety being that the other two vehicles involved were the bread and my little station wagon was the dark green jelly.

I probably didn't also mention that I was not insured at the time and that my driver's licensed had expired on my birthday.

So of course I'm liable for the damage to the vehicle in front of me. Understood, since I rear-ended him. Black and white, case closed.

But the guy behind me is in the same boat as me with regard to liability, in that he's liable for the damage to my car's rear end.

And his insurance company wants to settle. That's great.

What's not so great is that they've offered me $100.00 for the damage to my car. Not acceptable.

To them, it's fair. They said the car was totalled before their insured even hit it. Possibly. However, to me, it's not fair. My property had more value that its resale value -- namely, its value lay in the fact that it's operable and gets me from point A to point B every day. That car is my livelihood. Comprende?

So I called my would-be attorney and he said, well you could go to small-claims court. Blah blah blah…and I said, well, tell you what…I'll just pay my retainer since I need an attorney anyway, and let you handle it.

Bottom line -- must pay retainer very quickly. Thank God my car is driveable and operable…because that makes me not work from a position of desperation. Well they are going to be mui surprised, as is my attorney, because I am not going to take 2 months to pay my retainer.

Hypocrisy is All Around

I know that Twiggy complained to my sup and others, no doubt, about me doing personal business at the office. Honestly, what was I supposed to be doing? The work that didn't exist during that period? I was my dad's guardian and I had to find him a place to live…how was I going to handle that?

Now I'm sure that blog viewing and posting probably doesn't fit into all that…but! But!!!!!

What is so funny about this is that Twiggy constantly shops online when she's not busy…and then when she thinks someone is looking, she switches to a work-related task.

How do I know this?

Because she just did it.

She is such a hypocrite.

Paris Hilton isn't a Bad Actress

I saw her movie, "House of Wax" last night, and it was actually ok. She was pretty good. Of course, she didn't have to do much other than be herself, lol, but even so, that's not that easy when you're saying someone else's lines.

Whenever I see a movie like that and it shows how the murderers' psyches were shaped by their horrid parents, usually through abuse, it just breaks my heart when they show or hint at the abuse. I always think of Phrecklette. Being a mom has changed me a bit. It's made me more sensitive to the pain of others.

Today's Horoscope

Sheila,
Your curiosity can get the best of you today, but your day goes beyond learning something new. It involves sudden illumination -- an "aha!" that awakens those around you. Don't be concerned about the effect you may have on someone else. You need to experience the epiphany when it happens.

Ok.

So does that mean that my PMS bad mood and easy irritability yesterday and today is an epiphany?

Boyfriend doesn't think so.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

It's Good Not to Be Fired...

Wow, I am a valued member of the team once again.

I'm getting work assignments left and right. I have a feeling that Twiggy was getting what would have been my assignments because I was gone so much that people couldn't depend on me.

Oh wait…that's not a hunch…

That's what was said in my performance improvement notice.

I think my sup probably put a stop to that while at the same time telling me to put up or shut up, which was, apparently, what I needed to hear…because I am totally rising to the occasion.

Better not talk too much more about it or I might jinx myself. Know what I mean?

Monday, November 14, 2005

I Wasn't Just on Time this Morning

I was early. Yay. Napoleon, you will NOT win!!!!!

The Credit Nazi

The credit nazi reported me because I didn't get my dang contracts to her fast enough. Then she was oh-so-nice to my face today. Whatever, you credit nazi.

I kinda knew she was going to do that though…some of those were running seriously late…but but but…oh screw the excuses! Gosh, haven't I been at this post for close to 3 years now! Either put up or shut up - let's get it together.

Oh great, someone dropped off receipts on my keyboard while I was gone and while this post was blatantly displayed on screen!!!! It just gets better and better!

I Know Why the Caged Blog Doesn't Post

Because blogger thinks it's a splog…a spam blog. I have no idea why they would think my blog is a splog. Whatever!

Blog Problem Fixed...I Hope

Every time I emailed a blog post, it showed up as a draft until I did this word verification thing…I hope I've fixed the word verification bit because I can't go to that site to approve this stuff left and right. It's bad enough that I post to this from work lol. Which I should probably stop doing. Ah well, here goes...

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Posts Are Not Showing Up

My posts that I've been emailing from work and from AOL while I'm at work have not shown up. If this one does, I'm going to be worried. I doubt that Napoleon would like being called that at all. Besides the fact that the frog in my little cabinet there says Napoleon on it.

Friday, November 11, 2005

Opinionistas

Wow, I just found another blogger who's like me in that she writes
about her personal life and vents about stuff and whatnot. :) Yippy
skippy. :) Now I don't feel so alone.

Her blog is called Opinionistas (http://www.opinionistas.blogspot.com/)
and it's pretty groovy. I love what she says about how to dress at the
Firm:

"It's true, the wry personality that he's known since college, the girl
who legendarily scarfed down every available chicken wing at his
tailgates and promptly projectile-snorted Diet Coke upon hearing him
crack a joke in Family Law, is a far cry from the portrait of demure
reticence that I paint each day at the office. Head down, feet moving,
I hover as far below the firm's radar as possible. Keep your voice low
and even at all times. Never say a negative word about another
associate. Smile and nod during any conversation, but express no strong
views. Attend lunches and firm functions to appear congenial and
gregarious, but not so many that you're labeled "the social one."
Display pictures of any pets prominently on your desk to show that you
care about another living creature, but avoid overemphasizing that you
possess a life outside the confines of this building. Dress well, but
not too well, following standard office trends and making sure to hide
any prominent curves or attention-grabbing physical attributes. Rarely
take personal calls in the office, and always close your door when
doing so. Above all, meld fluidly into the surrounding taupe hallways
and conference room walls, fuse yourself smoothly into the firm's daily
mechanism. Blend in, and survive."

I wish someone had pointed this out to me about how to dress at work.
I'd have taken more care to cover my fat, and most importantly, my
inordinately large rear end. Well, lesson learned, I guess. Better late
than never.

Today's Horoscope...

Is right on.

Sheila,
Your anger is soothed, then stirred up, then soothed again today as changing pressures force you to respond, even if you aren't committed to your current feelings. This emotional roller coaster settles down over the days ahead, but you might find it difficult to wait. Any sort of physical exertion will be beneficial now, for it blows off some of your frustration.

Looks like I'm not changing jobs any time soon.

I got a Performance Improvement Notice (PIN) this morning. Napoleon's on the warpath and he's creating a documentation trail in order to get rid of me, if I don't improve and have perfect attendance for the rest of my tenure in his department. Now that I have this PIN in my file, I'm not sure I should even bother applying for this new job. My sup encouraged me to apply anyway, but why embarrass myself? I'm not sure I have the chutzpah.

To make matters worse, I don't think he's aware of this, but I was late this morning. Then I fell in the parking lot too. I totally overslept. I feel like such a loser and honestly, what person is late for work every dang day and manages to keep her job? I would not be surprised at all if he checks my punches himself and if I'm late again, he'll have my sup go to step two of their disciplinary system. I would also not be surprised if he has asked Twiggy to inform him when I am late or if he just asks her, Hey has she been late lately? And she'll go on and on with a story about how I was late on Friday, blah blah blah. Like I said, Twiggy's only happy when it rains on someone else.

My sup was reluctant to do this warning, but he insisted on it so they will have proper documentation if my mistakes lead to a termination. I guess that is the key. If this stuff is happening, it's not to blame on Napoleon or anyone else -- I have done it all, no matter what the reasons. Just like this morning -- it was me who didn't get to bed on time last night, who stayed up instead and then, as a result, overslept. I'm the only person there is to blame. I'm really lucky they have put up with me for so long and been so flexible with me.

They also gave me a warning about professional dress. That one is the only thing that really bothers me. I just about put myself in the poorhouse to buy a new 'uniform' for work. I spent about $250.00 on new items for work and now they have to do this. He's seen every dang thing…he knows I've improved my performance, my clothing, everything, and still insists on this. Well, we all know why and that it's not personal…but the clothing bit still irks me greatly.

I feel like it's a challenge now to be on time for work…kinda like starting a new doily just to see if I can do it. But God almighty, my life is a total mess.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Twiggy's in a Good Mood Today

Of course she is.

Adminzilla made a boo-boo that she can now pick on.

Ever heard that Garbage song, "I'm Only Happy When it Rains"?

Twiggy's only happy when it rains on someone else.

She came into my cube to tell me allllll about it and I was so tempted to tell her how Adminzilla's perfectionism yesterday almost drove me to slit my wrists with a butter knife, but I refrained!!!!

And I know I said that I would tell her I don't want to hear it anymore, but I just couldn't bring myself to say, "Hey! Your gossipping is EVIL! Now get your evil butt out of my cube because I am not listening to this!!!!"

Yes. I am weak.

But at least I didn't ADD to the gossip!!! I empathized but didn't add and refrained from making any negative comments. That was good enough for her. No points added, but none lost either.

Office politics are so wrong.

Today's Horoscope

Is a mystery.

La Phreckle,
Your magnetism should be powerful today, and this is an ideal time to make any type of presentation. You have a dramatic side that you can use effectively now. This can also be positive romantically. Do something special with a loved one, or just by yourself, if you're single. Pleasure can come unexpectedly, no matter what the situation.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Guess Who's Trying to Come Back...

Hmmmm…

Is it one of the recently fired/laid off unfortunates?

Nooo…

It's that loverly man who
A. Left to start his own company,
B. Once told me I should work at Burger King instead of this place because I was too irreponsible. He was right, at the time.,

C. Thinks adultery is ok even if you're in a committed relationship
D. Openly flirted with me as I got thinner
E. Mistook me for his online mistress when I greeted him with, "Hello there! What's up?" His response: "Oh nothing, just dreaming of your pretty face." Next IM from him: "No, I'm not leaving my wife." My response, "Ok." I left off the ellipsis so as not to embarrass him by basically saying, I know you have the wrong IM and now your little secret is out.

F. Promised me a job when he left here but never delivered. I see now that that was fortuitous.

The only problem with this not-so-triumphant return strategy is that they didn't even replace him when he left here. The VP of sales in charge of that particular vertical decided there wasn't enough work for someone to live on. So if he were to return, I don't think he'd be doing the same vertical as he was when he left. And that's a problem, since that's what he specializes in, it's all he knows, and that's where all his contacts are. Plus all the agencies he worked with have been reassigned. Soooo that's not happening. It'll be interesting to watch.

Funny, he never messages me anymore when I'm online.

Opinionistas

Wow, I just found another blogger who's like me in that she writes about her personal life and vents about stuff and whatnot. :) Yippy skippy. :) Now I don't feel so alone.

Her blog is called Opinionistas (http://www.opinionistas.blogspot.com/) and it's pretty groovy. I love what she says about how to dress at the Firm:

"It's true, the wry personality that he's known since college, the girl who legendarily scarfed down every available chicken wing at his tailgates and promptly projectile-snorted Diet Coke upon hearing him crack a joke in Family Law, is a far cry from the portrait of demure reticence that I paint each day at the office. Head down, feet moving, I hover as far below the firm's radar as possible. Keep your voice low and even at all times. Never say a negative word about another associate. Smile and nod during any conversation, but express no strong views. Attend lunches and firm functions to appear congenial and gregarious, but not so many that you're labeled "the social one." Display pictures of any pets prominently on your desk to show that you care about another living creature, but avoid overemphasizing that you possess a life outside the confines of this building. Dress well, but not too well, following standard office trends and making sure to hide any prominent curves or attention-grabbing physical attributes. Rarely take personal calls in the office, and always close your door when doing so. Above all, meld fluidly into the surrounding taupe hallways and conference room walls, fuse yourself smoothly into the firm's daily mechanism. Blend in, and survive."

I wish someone had pointed this out to me about how to dress at work. I'd have taken more care to cover my fat, and most importantly, my inordinately large rear end. Well, lesson learned, I guess. Better late than never.

Today's Horoscope

Sheila,
You may not be feeling too solid today, for your emotions can rise and fall with unexpected suddenness. You can fight against these inconsistent feelings, frustrating yourself in the process or you can take advantage of them. Ride these wild waves of change, but keep a light hand on the controls. Your determination to hold on and to see where it takes you can turn this into a positive turn of events.

I wonder what this one is referring to. Surely it can't be my job. It must be my relationship. Well, I guess they're just vague enough to sell horoscopes...

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

I know I Said I Wouldn't But

I can't help but be nice to Twiggy even after she backstabbed me. Oh well, such is life…

Today's Horoscope

Sheila,
If you're feeling a little off today, it's because there are changes in the air, but you may not yet know what they are. Don't waste any energy trying to control them for sweet Venus is coming to your rescue. Manage your emotions so that you can focus your intensity as needed or back off when necessary. Flexibility combined with kindness can win you the prize.

Maybe the change they're referring to is me applying for an Operations Trainer position. My boss thinks it would be a wonderful position for me. We'll see.

Monday, November 07, 2005

Today's Horoscope

Sheila,
You may feel as if a pool of anger or resentment is rising, and yet you might not know where these feelings originate. Furthermore, it's difficult to tell how deep the waters are. Be careful about jumping into this situation, for the sirens can seduce you into believing that you'll be better off with full engagement. You are quite receptive today, so consider the possibility that these emotions may be projecting from someone else.

Oh I know where they originate. From the person sitting in the cubicle next to me…Twiggy.

I had a 'come to Jesus' talk with my sup on Friday. Apparently, I look too frumpy, I'm not on time for work or not here too much, I conduct personal business at work, I have too many 'visitors' at work, and I wear my tennis shoes in my cube to top it all off. Horrors!!!!!

Well I know exactly who reported two of those items -- personal business and 'visitors'. Twiggy did. I wouldn't be surprised if she had a hand in the rest as well. That girl is on a power trip and it's just getting really ridiculous. Right now, I am so filled with anger toward her. It is hard to dispose of the feelings as you can't really dump them on the deserving party.

But what you can do is stop being so bloody nice to her. You can stop listening to her gossip. You can stop offering to help her by taking HER phones so she can get out of here on Fridays or right before her vacations. You can stop talking to her unnecessarily. In short, you can give the deserving party the cold shoulder. With as angry as I feel toward the turncoat, she won't just be getting the cold shoulder. She'll be getting the nitroglycerin-frozen shoulder.

What's more is that she was totally wrong in doing that to me. Maybe if she had the problems that I did, she would understand. But no, she acts the cold, unfeeling rhymes-with-rich. As far as visitors? Basically what might happen occasionally is that BF would bring something up here for me that I forgot. That was it. There were no extended visitors on work time. It wasn't like what Twiggy does -- leave her desk for half an hour at a time to gossip with people, while I answer her phone. And I never once complained to my supervisor. Honestly, it wasn't that big a deal…if I absolutely had to do something, then I found a way to get it done, but I didn't run to our sup every time she transgressed.

I'd like to say that my silence and lack of complaints about Twiggy will end now, but I don't know that they will. Do I want to be like HER? No. And what good would it do, honestly? Other than to make me feel a little bit better? Nothing. I will think about it, but I don't think it'll change much.

Twiggy went to Napoleon once about Adminzilla. Then MJ went to Napoleon about Adminzilla. Now the remaining busybody thinks she can do that every time she's ticked off about someone. What happened to the chain of command? I thought that disrespecting your boss was something you could get in trouble for but apparently not when you dress nicely.

Napoleon probably wouldn't even notice me that much if I looked great every day. Well, now I have enough clothing to ensure that I do. He just walked by and looked at me like, dangit, I was thisclose to getting rid of her!!!!!

Oh well, time to stop whining and get to work. I have enough to do, for once and I'm very glad of it. I'm tired of feeling useless.

Friday, November 04, 2005

There's Something Seriously Wrong with Mindy McCready

And I feel very sorry for her unborn baby.

http://aolsvc.news.aol.com/music/article.adp?id=20051104113209990006&cid=918

This woman is very obviously suffering battered woman syndrome. She still 'loves' her boyfriend/abuser/sack of human solid waste. She even acknowledged that her boyfriend is not even sorry for the things he's done. And then she tried to commit suicide while pregnant. That baby will be lucky if he/she isn't damaged already.

Once born, that child will witness all the horrors of domestic abuse and will be scarred for life by it. And that is no exaggeration.

Someone please help her. Or at least, after that child is born, get that child to a safe home.

Today's Horoscope

I get my horoscopes from www.tarot.com. Check it out. It's free.

Sheila,
You may face a tough decision today regarding money. The dilemma arises from whether it's better to make the best of what you have or let go of something and start anew. Recycling a possession can feel like a loss, especially if you are attached to it. But it is smarter now to cut your losses and begin again from the ground up.

Hmmm…maybe they're talking about that purple people eater poncho that I just finished.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Bounce Back Ability is Amazing Here

People are already over our department's latest departure.

I hope none of the old-timer sales people are laid off…

I did see a position on careerlink.org that I was interested in and am qualified for. It is very hard to leave this job though…and especially the people.

My Martha Stewart Poncho

I finally finished my Martha Stewart poncho.

I put it on.

I looked like a ginormous purple people eater.

I'm so glad I spent countless hours over a four month period of time making that...

Parting Gifts Can Be a Blessing...Or a Curse

Because Phrecklette left me a little parting gift.

Guess what it was?

Let's put it this way. It explains why the top of my dang head has been itching like mad lately. The other part of the parting gift was my recent adventure with Ovide at 11pm at night, bent over a tub, hardly able to breathe because of the fumes…loverly. Oh, and why my hair smells a bit like gasoline this morning...

An EA Bites the Dust

Sheila,
You are experiencing an irresolvable mix of optimism and pessimism. You may become quite the philosopher as you seek to fulfill your basic material needs and sensual desires. Your intuition encourages you to develop a vision of your ideal future, but it is apparent that you must make adjustments as your values continue to change. You may not be able to transform your current situation, but minor corrections are certainly in order.

Well, I don't want to do a Nadine Hoabsh (or however her name is spelled) but I will say that I am shocked that one of the EAs was laid off. I never saw it coming. I thought for sure that if anyone was going to be laid off, it would probably be me. This person had been here at this company for over 10 years. It's just very sad. I hope she lands on her feet. She was the one who volunteered to be my 'little helper' with my weight loss. I may have had my differences with her, but she was a good employee. I wish her well.

In the meantime, I will be supporting two VPs. This is good for my resume, but I'm sad at how this happened. I would never have wanted to gain any advantages this way. I suppose one takes what one can get, but even so, it is all very sad.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Horoscope for Today

It seems this one's message is one day late…

Sheila,
Although differences of opinion are normal, you don't need to escalate them into outright conflict. You are the passionate type who doesn't take a half-hearted approach, giving you strength of vision when things are tough. It can also trap you in an extreme position on a day like today. Keep an open mind and a sense of humor. Remember, it isn't worth damaging a relationship just to make your point.

My sister invited me over yesterday night to watch Revenge of the Sith with her; plus she bought me a copy. Being in the mood for an ice cream binge, I bought a copious amount of it, brought it over with me and proceeded to watch the depressing movie. The problem is that she lives in a questionable area. I haven't seen any crime or any gangbangers or anything like that…but BF was pretty ticked that I reneged on a (ridiculous) promise not to go over there after dark because he considers that area to be dangerous.

Personally, I think it's ridiculous. I don't think it's that dangerous, but BF is usually right about just about everything. I went over there anyway last night, but I can't do that anymore. I have to give him some respect and how hard is it not to go over to my sister's house after dark? Not that hard. He's worth much more than any entertainment or anything gleaned from such a visit.

We were both laying in bed late last night after I got home and I think we were both kinda struck by how quiet everything is without Phrecklette there. Phrecklette is cool with her new life…I went over to the foster mom's house for a 'placement meeting' last night and Phrecklette was doing her best to stick to her new foster mom and not me. I understood though and I'm happy for her that she likes the new FM that much. I think she was afraid that I was going to take her away. After she gave me my first hug, it was hard to let her go though.

I did get some hope from visiting with the new FM and her Agency worker. The Agency Worker thought that they were looking toward termination as the goal. That would be great for Deirdre. She's right at the adoptable age. And my sister will never be the kind of mother she needs. Heck, when I was over there last night, I was surprised at how messy the apartment was becoming. Even worse than mine, and I'm no Housekeeper of the Year. Now I wonder if I should be pointing out the filth to her caseworker or just leave it alone…and I think I'm going to go with leave it alone. My sister won't be getting any tips on how to get her child back from me. She's going to have figure it out and take ownership.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

And so begins a whole new era of my life...

Phrecklette is gone. She is with her new foster mom and I am back to being 'young and freewheeling'.

Sunday night, I cried my eyes out. Almost literally. I cried so hard that I busted blood vessels in my eyelids. It's quite apparent that BF's family is glad that I have let Phrecklette go. They could see how much I was declining over time. And they all believed, as BF did, that the State was using me and sitting on their hands because they didn't feel they had to do anything. My FMIL said that I probably had no idea what a toll this was taking on my body. She's right.

But I may be a bit too freewheeling …I overspent this weekend and bought myself a brand new cell phone. Yes I deserve something for my birthday. I deserve something for sacrificing two years of my life. But I should have spent more judiciously. For example, I should have waited to make that purchase until after I paid my rent. Now I will have to raid savings here and in Kansas in order to do that. UGH.

But it's a very nice phone. BF is looking covetously at it. :o)

And as usual, BF caught on to what was going on with me immediately. He called me on it. It was painful. He is worried that if he marries me, that I am going to turn into the same kind of creature as his brother's wife. She overspent them into bankruptcy. I don't want to do that. I've got to stop NOW. And I am stopping…I've already stopped. Now it's too late to turn back time though. Shucks.

And I'm starting my MK business back up. I'm starting with one client and I'm going to branch out from there. She's already ordered about $100.00 of products from me. :o) I'll deliver those and collect tonight. Yay.

Friday, October 28, 2005

Glimmers of Hope Appear

Dad is staying with Mom right now.

Dad is getting along with Mom.

Mom seems to be cool with taking care of him. Hmmmm…

Perhaps I can let her do it and get myself off the hook? That would be so awesome.

Today's Horoscope

Sheila,
You Scorpios are feeling the heat from the emotional lava that is flowing. There isn't a place that is safe now, so you may as well let the transformational fire do its thing. Remember that this is not a permanent state of affairs, and even if you are terrified, the situation is not as treacherous as your instincts might indicate. Don't try to outrun it, for this change can be just what you've been waiting for.

Maybe things will be ok after Phrecklette leaves, after all.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

What Is Wrong with This Picture?

Mom called today.

She said hi.

Then she said

"You know, that doily you're making would look really good on my kitchen table."

(see doily pattern here: http://www.angelfire.com/folk/celtwich/WildRoseDoily.html)

Whaaa?

It was my birthday yesterday.

She didn't call to say happy bday or anything until my sister reminded her.

And now she is asking for a present.

I think it's now confirmed:

My mom's a nutjob.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Happy Birthday to Me!!!

Lol I put those cards up and guess what…

It did not go unnoticed.

One of my favorite directors stopped by and goes, "Don't you know you have to put up a sign that says it's your birthday? We're all so self-absorbed…" She said she'd take me out to lunch next week.

But then she already gave me $500.00, which was probably the craziest thing that ever happened to me. LOL.

Today's Horoscope and Other News

Sheila,
Work-related issues have been weighing heavily on you and although you are still concerned about your professional role, circumstances lighten up today. You are determined to change the dynamics in the current power balance. Put your needs on the line; even if they don't resolve immediately, it's apparent you are finally moving in the right direction.

I was/am worried about my attendance. The family-related emergencies I've had to deal with have taken their toll on my reliability and dependability. Today is the first day in a while that I've been on time for work. Even that was a struggle. When I wake up in the morning, the right side of my lower back is killing me and I'm not feeling refreshed. I feel tired. Getting out of bed is a struggle.

My birthday was a flop. Not one person I support did anything about it. Nothing. Lol. I just came up with an idea. I still have my bday cards from last year. *evil laugh*. I will put them up in my cube!!!!! LOL. Ok, did it. I put up 3 cards lol including the one Karen gave me. :) Now let's see how this experiment works. I'm going to have to remember to keep these cards!

Funny, no one ever forgets Twiggy's birthday. Every year, someone takes her out to lunch, she gets cards, blah blah blah. Well I guess it's true. Fat people are invisible.

I went home and picked up the apartment and did my checkbook last night. That was fun. You would not believe how much of BF's stuff I threw out. All his stupid papers and crap that he saves. It's totally idiotic. I just threw them out and he will never  notice they're gone, I guarantee. The apartment looks much better without all that stuff laying around.

I've started planning for redecorating my apartment after Phrecklette's departure. Hey, life goes on. The world won't stop spinning because Phrecklette's gone. If I stop living and wallow in my sorrow over this, I'm just going to throw away everything I've worked for. No way am I doing that.

The nursing home is throwing Dad out today. Loverly. And guess who he's staying with? The wicked witch of the west. It should be for no more than a week. I hope. And pray. Otherwise, they'll kill eachother.

Mom came over last night to drop off the application for the VA and also Dad's new checkcard and PIN number. Before she did that, we talked on the phone. Hey guess what? She finally remembered my birthday. Probably because Cathleen reminded her. I went OFF on her lol. She told me happy birthday and I go,

"Aw, thanks Mom. So did Cathleen have to remind you?"
"No, I knew it was your birthday all along. I don't have much money right now, or I'd…" Funny. She bought herself a loverly dinette set yesterday and told me about it…twice.

"You knew? Oh that's funny because we've had like 5 conversations today and you seemed oblivious.."
"No , I knew and…"
"Oh whatever. This isn't the first time Mom! You forget my damn birthday every fricking year!"

There was a little more but I think you get the picture. There was definitely a lot more cussing, but we'll just edit that out…

I asked BF to please go to the store and get me some sherbet. He flatly refused and asked me to do it. Another occasion to go off…I mean, last year I spent the whole day getting ready to do something special for his birthday.

I cooked this lovely dinner.
I bought candles and candlesticks.
We ate dinner by total candlelight.
I bought wine.
I bought special glasses.
Mein gott!!!!!

For my birthday, what did I get from him? A card, a flower and that's it.

You know, I understand that people don't have money. I don't expect them to spend all kinds of money on me. It's the things they DO that matter. Not what they buy. He couldn't have cooked me dinner? Picked up the apartment? Taken me to a park? Taken me to the dang dollar theater? Anything????? JESUS.

It just irks me to no end.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Welcome to Les Miserables in Omaha

Could my life be any more dramatic?

Deirdre and I met the foster mom last night. Load off my mind, big time! She was awesome. It is a very good placement. Phrecklette will have a lovely bedroom with a matching pillow and coverlet, blah blah blah. Lots of toys and a foster mom 100% devoted to raising her. They have told the foster mom the placement will last 3-6 months. I hope my sister never gets Phrecklette back. Phrecklette will be much better off without her mom. Anyway, D-day is this Sunday, 10/30. I am taking 10/31 off in order to deal with it.

I mean, considering all the stuff I'm going through, how much worse is Phrecklette going to have it?

I'm guardian for my dad, my mom's a knitwit and when she gets older, who do you think is going to be guardian for her? Hmmm? She won't have any retirement savings.

Dad's in that nursing home right now and he gets disoriented so easily, it's not even funny. His balance is questionable, and I swear, he lives in a fantasy world or something. They called today and said that, since they're done with therapy for him, they will be discharging him Thursday unless someone else will pick up the tab. Read: unless family will pick up the $150/day tab. Yeah right! We're ALL poor.

So I've been frantically trying to figure something out. Thank God I started a Medicaid application for him when this all began, because it looks like that will save the day. I think my Mom is going to need to divorce him in order to get it approved though. Otherwise, they, like the VA, might consider her income too when reviewing the application, which would kill the application. I wonder, can I file for divorce on behalf of my father?

I called Mom today. She said there's no way he'll be living with her. So who's he going to live with, huh? ME? Not a chance! I shouldn't even have to do this! This is HER job.

I mentioned to my sup about what's going on and she was worried that I'd have to take time off on Thursday. I guess all this drama is getting to her. She even mentioned that I have a lot of drama in my life. Believe me, she wasn't being nasty in the last. It is the truth. It's not my fault that all this is happening. But why did I volunteer for this? If being Dad's guardian is this difficult, I'm not sure I can do it. At some point, don't I have to save ME? This is messing with my job!!!!! Maybe I can get Jon to help me with this…I probably can, he's the most understanding boyfriend that ever frickin lived...

Monday, October 24, 2005

I Don't Feel Much Like Writing...

The only reason I'm writing today is because I promised myself I'd keep this blog alive so that I can look back and see my growth.

Phrecklette's new foster mom is chosen and will be taking my place by next week, probably. We'll do a 7 - 10 day transition.

So next week sometime, I will probably be a shambles. My sup asked me, "Are you sure you want to do this?" I said I was.

I know this is the right thing for me. Almost all the recovery that I had in my life is gone. If I look back and see where it went, I can tell you that yes, I was having some problems around the time I met BF. I had already gained a few pounds here and there, but nothing substantial. I could still wear my jeans (those were wonderful jeans). Then I started caring for Phrecklette and the proverbial sh*t really hit the fan. I started gaining weight at lightning speed.

After Phrecklette leaves, I will grieve for a time, then I will start doing some things about my health. Not my weight. My health. That's got to be the focus.

Mary B helped me get some perspective today. She said that this isn't my fault…this is my sister's fault. It is because Phrecklette is ready to go home but my sister is not ready. Mary said that my sister must take responsibility for that. I thank God for that therapist sometimes.

In one way, I am excited about starting life again after Phrecklette leaves. In another…well...not so much.

Friday, October 21, 2005

Dad Does Not Belong in a Nursing Home

He's fully recovered from his stroke and the sad thing is that he swears up and down he's never going to drink again…but none of us trust him not to.

He's very angry all the time and hates that nursing home. I'm not surprised…he doesn't belong there at all. I have to find another place for him…I've been appointed guardian. Yippy skippy. Last night he cussed at me to which I replied, ok I'm leaving, and then he apologized immediately. Gotta love those old alcoholics.

The other residents in the nursing home are much worse off than Dad, healthwise. Many are in wheelchairs. He seriously needs to be somewhere different. But I still don't know if he can live on his own or not. I just see him getting into trouble with drinking and not paying bills again. To some extent, he seems like he can care for himself…he can cook for himself and some things like that. He would need help with housework. But falling remains a very real problem. I don't know what the solution is.

I have a follow up appointment today at the Home he's at…I guess we'll discuss it there.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

First-grade teachers give kids the world

This is a great article. It really touched me.

I'm 28 now but one of my most vivid memories of gradeschool is of Sister Idalia at Our Lady of Lourdes Catholic School on 32nd here in Omaha. My family was poor and my mom didn't have the money for my milk money at school, so Sister Idalia paid for my milk for the year. I've never forgotten how compassionate that was. And that compassion really taught me by example. She knew I was sensitive about being the only kid in class who didn't get a little milk carton.

Many from OLL will remember Sister Idalia, I'm sure. Growing up is a messy and difficult business. Great teachers make it much easier.

------------------------------------
Michael Kelly: First-grade teachers give kids the world

BY MICHAEL KELLY

        
 http://www.omaha.com/c_images/fills/black.gif
       
WORLD-HERALD COLUMNIST  

Do you recall your first-grade teacher? On vacation last week, as I heard my 6-year-old grandson read aloud, I fondly remembered mine.

I had carried around a kind note from her last spring, and intended to call. Then I learned that she had died.

All teachers are important, but the first-grade classroom is a special place of wonder - and for many of us, our first-grade teacher is a wonder, too.

First grade is where the door to language opens wider. We learn to gain meaning from print, and to convey meaning from mind to pencil to paper.

What a thrill for a child - to see that door of literacy swing open.

In Omaha last month, another former first-grade teacher died. The legendary Ann Christiansen lived to 98 years, eight months and 10 days. She taught for 50 years, including 46 at the old Corrigan Elementary, 38th and Y Streets.

Her husband died long ago, and she had no children. But in another sense, she had so many children. For the past 25 years, some of her former pupils from long ago met her for lunch once a month.

"I loved to teach," Ann said last December. "I could be teaching today if they'd let me, but I'm too old."

As a teacher, she delighted in arranging field trips to the workplaces of her students' parents. In some cases, the parents had been her pupils, too.

She kept an active social calendar and traveled widely. She never stopped teaching.

"I remember as a child that Ann would teach me about the places she'd visited," great-niece Diane Warneke recalled at her funeral. "I was always amazed that my aunt - who, at the time, seemed very old to me - was traveling all over the world."

Ann was frugal, teaching the importance of working hard and saving money. More than just punctual for appointments, she always arrived early.

Ted Argintean of Valley never forgot his teacher. He is 72, a retired railroader.

"Ann is the person who taught me how to print and how to read," he said. "She was a one-of-a-kind person. Unforgettable."

My first-grade teacher was a nun, and I well remember her busy classroom - 40 children, learning to write with thick-leaded "mechanical pencils" on lined paper.

Her name at the time was Sister Mary Ferdinand. We kids affectionately called her (not to her face) "Ferdinand the Bull" - after a lovable Disney cartoon character who liked to sit quietly and smell the flowers.

As a Sister of Mercy, she wore a bulky black habit, her head mostly covered. I couldn't have told you her age, other than "grownup." Now I know that she was a mere 21.

I soon lost touch. Years and decades passed. Sister, I later learned, served nearly a decade as a missionary in Jamaica, becoming headmistress at a school.

Four years ago, during a school reunion in Ohio, we former kids visited her convent. Sister Mary Leinen (her family name) smiled and called out names as she recognized child-faces amid our wrinkles. We bent down to her wheelchair and embraced her.

Later, I visited her again for lunch, bringing along my daughter, a first-grade teacher, to meet my first-grade teacher.

Last spring I carried that note, intending to schedule another lunch but not knowing she would die soon at 72. It's too easy to put things off, and I regret that I did.

Teachers such as Ann Christiansen and Sister Mary leave imprints on the lives of children who, so soon, grow up.

My grandson Jonathan, learning to read, stands at the gates of wonderment - a very special place called first grade.

Contact the Omaha World-Herald newsroom

Going Down in Flames..

I'm fat, stressed, and tired all the time.

Yes, I'm going down in flames.

When I think of doing something that'll give me a release, I don't think about my favorite sport. I don't think about the doily I'm working on. I don't think about going for a walk or enjoying Nature...

...I think about Mint Chocolate Cookie Ben n Jerry's ice cream and a bag of tortilla chips with melted cheese or mild Walmart chunky salsa. But it also has to have a movie attached or some other mindless activity during which I can consume the forementioned drugs.

I can't get enough sleep. Probably because I am having sleep apneas again but don't really realize it. Nevertheless, I don't sleep well enough that an 8 hour period of sleeping will do it for me. No, I am starting to need to sleep longer than that. I would say I could get it done in about 10 hours. Yes, this is some serious fat. Because I don’t sleep that well, I am constantly late for work because I can't get my fat butt out of bed in the morning.

When I first started at this job, I was 369 pounds. I had to make my own clothes because I mostly couldn't find anything that I could squeeze myself into. I didn't sleep well enough that I could recover enough energy in 8 hours in order to get up in the morning and get to work. My sleep problems largely contributed to the reason why my previous employer was so unforgiving when I made a wee little mistake that cost them about $75,000 or so…ok not so little.

But the sleep problems and the fat definitely contributed to the error. When I started this job, I had such a hard time getting out of bed in the morning that I almost lost this job. I didn't have the energy to show up for work so much that I almost lost my job over that too.

One time, this one guy that I worked for...we'll call him the Golden Boy or GB for short...I had just taken some days off of work for BS reasons and I was talking with him in his office. GB tended to get a little personal…ie he just told you what he thought and if you didn't like it, tough rhymes-with-wit. So he remarked to me…"You know…why don't you go get a job at Burger King or something? At that place, it doesn't matter if you show up for work or not. But here, we need you here." I was pretty flabbergasted. I cringe with humiliation even now, just thinking of it. I tried to email him back a retort a couple of times, but I couldn't think of anything to say that I thought was good enough….and the reason I couldn't think of anything? Because there was no retort. He was right. My actions were wrong. Talk about a dressing-down that woke your butt up. \

Anyway, this just feels like history repeating, and it feels like I have a choice to either let it repeat or stop it in its tracks. Yet at the same time, I feel powerless to stop it. Like it would be the same thing as trying to move a mountain. But I can still look back to those memories of the springtime of my life (which is when I started this blog…check the first post) and I can feel what it was like back then and the sense of adventure and exhilaration that I was finally meeting myself and I know I can feel that way again.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Today's Horoscope

Sheila,
Your partner or friend might turn suddenly on you now, but this is not as significant as it appears. If you engage the anger or annoyance coming at you, it will only feed it. If, however, you just listen as you try to understand a different point of view, the difficult situation will blow over as quickly as a spring rain shower.

Hmmmmmmm…wow how appropo.

Update: Status: Fat and Stressed

Well, I haven't posted in a while. Sorry.

This is about the only 'diary' I've kept for this long.

Where do I start?

Mom moved into her own apartment. She's happy. Good for her.

I went to this big old meeting with everyone on Phrecklette's case last week Wednesday. It seems the State didn't bother looking for a new placement for Phrecklette because they wanted to offer whatever they could to me so that I would keep her. But although I love Phrecklette, I just can't do this anymore. I have to move on with my life, and honestly, that's a conflict of interest for Phrecklette. Her mom needs even more time to get her house in order. Phrecklette's therapist and I talked and cried about it after the meeting and I know that Phrecklette will be fine. I won't say it's going to be easy, but she is going to be fine. She's going to be taken care of and loved. I will have visits with her probably 3 times a week on certain days.

BF continues to be insensitive about it sometimes. Like I should just be over it and I knew this was coming so why am I so upset? Anyone reading this blog probably wonders why I'm still with him, but believe me, y'all don't see the good stuff.

Dad's out of the hospital and markedly improved. He's living in a skilled nursing facility right now. I'm his legal guardian. His nurse called me this morning to let me know that he's non-compliant and misbehaving. IE he's yelling at people about having his cigarettes before breakfast and he didn't sleep during the night. They had to give him some medicine so he'd sleep at some point. He was also non-compliant about his bath and letting the nurse see all of his skin. I can't blame him for that one…I mean, how humiliating. My mother, sister and I saw him last night right before he was supposed to go to bed and he was very nervous about being all alone up there. I assured him we wouldn't just forget him…we'd go and visit him a few times per week.

Dad's roommate, Larry, just lays in his bed all day…that makes me worry. I don't want my Dad to become forlorn and start doing that. They told me this morning that he is going to be evaluated by a geriatric psychiatrist. I hope they don't zombify my dad with drugs. I really feel that he needs therapy, not medicine. I think I'm going to have to learn more about this stuff. They gave me some literature yesterday that I will read over.

My Dad's sister, who practically raised him, was very worried about him. She's demonized my mother in her head (she shouldn't feel alone in that respect). She asked me last night if my mom has any control over Dad's finances. No, she doesn't. I'm his legal guardian, so I have control over that. Not that he has much. Dad has no assets to worry about, aside from his social security income. And that's only about $1000 per month. The court will decide how that is spent.

As for me personally, I'm very tired all the time. I'm fatter than I was even a week ago and getting fatter all the time. I just can't stop eating for the life of me. I feel like once Phrecklette leaves, than I can concentrate some time on me and my needs and it won't always be all about someone else. I'll be able to go out biking when I want, walking when I want, buy less food and be able to go out just driving when I get bored instead of feeling like I need to eat or something. I can finally concentrate on myself for once.

I had thought that maybe I was tired all the time because I might be pregnant…but I took a test and that's not the story. Nope, it turns out it's just a consequence of being just plain fat; fat and stressed.

I'm not sleeping too well and none of my clothes fit, which makes me feel worse. Furthermore, I don't really care too much about bathing, but I do manage to get that done on a regular basis, although other frills of personal hygiene escape me. Nothing that would cause a stench but let's just say that my legs have not had the benefit of a razor's help in a while.

BF continues to be a support, though, yes, he's insensitive at times. Yesterday he sacrificed most of his day to help me put Dad in that nursing home. Then last night when I had to go visit Dad to check on him and all, he did the laundry. And he continues to practically raise Phrecklette for me.

But we did have a bit of a snit this morning because he wanted to borrow the car and I put the kaibosh on that because I need the dang thing. I might have to go out to Elkhorn during the day today and I don't want to have to interrupt whatever he's doing that's so all-important in order to do so. Turns out he just needs to go downtown and see his lawyer and also go to Creighton. I made the trip downtown yesterday in the truck with no trouble, so I fail to see why he can't. Honestly, he will live. But I didn't really have time to explain all that stuff this morning. So I left when we were both in a snit. He's left me a voicemail but I haven't checked it.

Well that's it for now. Will write later when more updates are available. :)

Friday, October 14, 2005

Tom and Katie Cruise...again

I was just thinking about something…does anyone wonder why neither Mimi Rogers nor Nicole Kidman nor Penelope Cruz have ever come out and said, Leave Tom alone, he's not gay? Hmmm…just curious.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Worries

I look so frumpy lately. That's not good in a department focused on looking good and presenting a good image…but the clients never see me either. Only thing is, our department head sees me and he's been known to comment if someone is not dressed appropriately for work…and my boss just got called into his office with the door closed too after he saw me in the hallway…oh dear...

They Must be Catholic...

No knock on Catholics…I am Catholic, after all. : ) I love their attitude about this. It's so sweet and refreshing in this anti-motherhood society.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20051013/ap_on_re_us/sixteen_kids

Arkansas Mother Gives Birth to 16th Child

By MELISSA NELSON, Associated Press WriterThu Oct 13, 1:28 AM ET

Michelle Duggar just delivered her 16th child, and she's already thinking about doing it again. Johannah Faith Duggar was born at 6:30 a.m. Tuesday and weighed 7 pounds, 6.5 ounces.

The baby's father, Jim Bob Duggar, a former state representative, said Wednesday that mother and child were doing well. Johannah's birth was especially exciting because it was the first time in eight years the family has had a girl, he said.

Jim Bob Duggar, 40, said he and Michelle, 39, want more children.

"We both just love children and we consider each a blessing from the Lord. I have asked Michelle if she wants more and she said yes, if the Lord wants to give us some she will accept them," he said in a telephone interview.

The Discovery Health Channel filmed Johannah's birth and plans to air a show about the family in May.

The Learning Channel is doing another show about the family's construction project, a 7,000-square foot house that should be finished before Christmas. The home, which the family from the northwest Arkansas town of Rogers has been building for two years, will have nine bathrooms, dormitory-style bedrooms for the girls and boys, a commercial kitchen, four washing machines and four dryers.

Jim Bob Duggar, who sells real estate, previously lost his bid for the U.S. Senate. He said he expects to run for the state Senate next year but isn't ready to make a formal announcement.

Michelle Duggar, 39, had her first child at age 21, four years after the couple married.

Their children include two sets of twins, and each child has a name beginning with the letter "J": Joshua, 17; John David, 15; Janna, 15; Jill, 14; Jessa, 12; Jinger, 11; Joseph, 10; Josiah, 9; Joy-Anna, 8; Jeremiah, 6; Jedidiah, 6; Jason, 5; James, 4; Justin, 2; Jackson Levi, 1; and now Johannah.


Today's Horoscope...Fairly Accurate

Sheila,
You may know what you want to do, but this doesn't mean that others will be ready to follow you. Everyone seems to have a tendency to go off in highly individual directions today without regard for playing on a team. If you're too attached to your idea of progress, you could be in for a struggle. Let the unfolding situation dictate the best approach.

Well, we had a big pow wow with my sister's therapist, Phrecklette's therapist, the social worker and the guardian ad litem last night. They tried to convince me to keep Phrecklette even longer.  I said no.

They hadn't done any work on getting Phrecklette a new foster family, so they've just begun that process. Loverly. This means that a transition won't take place yet. Phrecklette's therapist, we'll call her Birdy, thought Phrecklette shouldn't just go to a new place without a transition. At this point, I'll abide by whatever Birdy thinks we should do.

I told BF about it this morning…he's not happy, but I must abide by my conscience. My conscience says that now is the right time to let Phrecklette go, but not without have due caution for her needs. She needs to know she's not being abandoned. I'll do whatever is necessary to ensure that.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Child Support and Father's Rights in Nebraska are so Messed Up

BF just called. Today was his trial date for child support and custody.

He got royally (insert curse word of choice here)ed. Same visitation as before…32 hours per week. Even more child support. Child support must be paid all the way back to when she was born. He owes half of the birth costs. It's a total of $2800.

So that means I'm in for a long road to hoe too. Because he will not be able to support himself for a very long time.

I am so tired of this. Part me says that my Dad was right…that this is not worth it for me. I will have to deal with this total (insert curse word here) and not only that, but my BF/husband/whatever will be financially unable to support me and our children at any time because he's paying so much money to that tart.

And will Gnat be raised any better for all the wallet-sucking going on out of my BF's pocket? No.

It is all just very, very sad.

Today's Horoscope

Sheila,
You could feel in control of your life today, for you have the benefit of understanding what is happening. Your mind is like a sponge now and you don't miss a trick. You have a keen sense of which issues require the most attention, so you are able to cut through the clutter and get at the essentials. Telling others what to do, however, will require clarity and tact. Don't expect people to do what you want without precise instructions.

Again, fairly accurate. I am concerned right now that my sister will be too permissive with Phrecklette and that Mom will not do the right things by Dad. She actually told me that she wished he had died so she wouldn't have to see him like this. Loverly. How insensitive. I pointed out to her that it might suck for us to see him like this, but Dad is just fine…he doesn't know that he's confused. As long as he has his family and friends around him, he is going to be just fine. Now she is trying to pawn guardianship of Dad off on me. I'm thinking about it, but I don't know if I'm going to go for it or not. I will check into it and see what must be done. Honestly, I don't trust my mom to manage it properly and ensure that Dad is taken care of.

But another part of me asks, "Is this you just being codependent? Needing someone else to take care of now that Phrecklette is leaving?" The truth is, I don't know. But who else is going to take care of him right? My mom looks at him as a burden, not a person. I'm not sure she is the right choice to care for him. Last night when I went to get the info from my mom, my sister was there and she nervously asked, "What do you need that for?" I explained…"Mom and I are trying to figure out who's going to be Dad's guardian. I'm not sure I'm going to do it because I don't know how much work it is. I'm tired of taking care of you people."

Anyway, we will see. I have sought advice from two people I trust and will go from there.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

PARIS HILTON

It just never ends… http://www.nypost.com/gossip/gossip.htm

source: page six

PARIS Hilton broke up with Paris Latsis in a cold way: with her new man, Stavros Niarchos, listening to her on the phone, our sources say. But Niarchos "will never be with her seriously. Stavros is just having fun," we're told. Latsis's friends are snickering over the heir-head's telling Us Weekly, "Paris says I can keep the engagement ring. He says I earned it." One Latsis pal snipes: "How else did she earn it? With sex. Like a hooker. It's a diss and she didn't get it — no surprise."

Hilton seems happy to be free of Latsis: she celebrated all weekend with Bijou Phillips and Kim Stewart at the first-year anniversary of Body English at the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino in Vegas. Friday night, she caught the Killers performing in the hotel's parking lot. Three-quarters of the way through the high-energy show, a palm tree caught fire after a fan threw a lit cigarette on it, sending thick black smoke over the VIP bleacher section. Hilton and her pals ran for safety and came back just in time for the final few songs. The girls partied well into Saturday morning, when Hilton was heard screaming: "I am so glad I'm single!"