Going Down in Flames..

I'm fat, stressed, and tired all the time.

Yes, I'm going down in flames.

When I think of doing something that'll give me a release, I don't think about my favorite sport. I don't think about the doily I'm working on. I don't think about going for a walk or enjoying Nature...

...I think about Mint Chocolate Cookie Ben n Jerry's ice cream and a bag of tortilla chips with melted cheese or mild Walmart chunky salsa. But it also has to have a movie attached or some other mindless activity during which I can consume the forementioned drugs.

I can't get enough sleep. Probably because I am having sleep apneas again but don't really realize it. Nevertheless, I don't sleep well enough that an 8 hour period of sleeping will do it for me. No, I am starting to need to sleep longer than that. I would say I could get it done in about 10 hours. Yes, this is some serious fat. Because I don’t sleep that well, I am constantly late for work because I can't get my fat butt out of bed in the morning.

When I first started at this job, I was 369 pounds. I had to make my own clothes because I mostly couldn't find anything that I could squeeze myself into. I didn't sleep well enough that I could recover enough energy in 8 hours in order to get up in the morning and get to work. My sleep problems largely contributed to the reason why my previous employer was so unforgiving when I made a wee little mistake that cost them about $75,000 or so…ok not so little.

But the sleep problems and the fat definitely contributed to the error. When I started this job, I had such a hard time getting out of bed in the morning that I almost lost this job. I didn't have the energy to show up for work so much that I almost lost my job over that too.

One time, this one guy that I worked for...we'll call him the Golden Boy or GB for short...I had just taken some days off of work for BS reasons and I was talking with him in his office. GB tended to get a little personal…ie he just told you what he thought and if you didn't like it, tough rhymes-with-wit. So he remarked to me…"You know…why don't you go get a job at Burger King or something? At that place, it doesn't matter if you show up for work or not. But here, we need you here." I was pretty flabbergasted. I cringe with humiliation even now, just thinking of it. I tried to email him back a retort a couple of times, but I couldn't think of anything to say that I thought was good enough….and the reason I couldn't think of anything? Because there was no retort. He was right. My actions were wrong. Talk about a dressing-down that woke your butt up. \

Anyway, this just feels like history repeating, and it feels like I have a choice to either let it repeat or stop it in its tracks. Yet at the same time, I feel powerless to stop it. Like it would be the same thing as trying to move a mountain. But I can still look back to those memories of the springtime of my life (which is when I started this blog…check the first post) and I can feel what it was like back then and the sense of adventure and exhilaration that I was finally meeting myself and I know I can feel that way again.