Parting is Such Sweet Sorrow

Every time I talk to my ex, my heart just breaks. Whether it's for him to tell me that he'll be done moving out by tomorrow, or just to say good bye, my heart feels a little heavier.

 

I'm in so much pain all the time now. I don't want to let him go.

 

And I hate it that he's going to be homeless. I know how much that hurts him, degrades him, makes him feel worthless.

 

But what can I do? Continue to live with someone whom I know doesn't love me, or if he does, can't be faithful to save his life? Who, when things suck, looks outside the relationship that he swore he'd be committed to in order to fulfill his needs, both sexually and otherwise?

 

Funny thing is...I almost believe that it was a one time thing with that woman. I thought things were on the upswing with us when I found this out. I wish I had never found out...

 

I hate seeing his things in his room slowly dwindling, being whisked off to his parents' or to a storage unit while I'm gone. Every time I'm home, I just want to cry my eyes out because I'm so sad over what I've lost.

 

And I don't want to think about things like...well what did you lose? What you never really had?

 

There is so much to look forward to in the future, but so much grieving to do right now. I hate this. I hate every minute of it and sometimes I wish I were dead so I didn't have to feel it. A split second later, I'm awed by how ridiculous a thought that is when I have so much to look forward to.

 

I wish I could just stay angry, remember all the bad stuff that happened, and focus only on that, but I'm no longer someone who can do that very well. I used to be able to carry grudges...and they weren't carried like something you pulled out and felt every so often. They were carried like a layer of sandpaper on my skin; always there and never forgotten, not for a minute.

 

I can't believe that he's going to be gone after tomorrow or the next day. Gone forever. We'll probably never speak again unless there's an extremely compelling reason for us to. I hate that thought. This man was my best friend, the person I went to for just about everything, the person I could depend on, the person that I did almost everything with.

 

But I also know that I have to do this.  There's no hope for anything anymore, not after what happened. I can't even use the word 'us' to describe it. There is no longer any us.