Day 2

Here I am at the beginning of day 2 of a new life.

 

I'm alone in the world, no one to depend on. I have to make it on my own now.

 

The past 2 days have been like walking around in a fog. I keep trying not to think about my future, about what I'm going to live for now that my boyfriend of 2 years has chosen sex with a married woman over me. Actually, I can't say that he 'chose' her over me in the sense that he's leaving my home voluntarily to be with her. I have set a deadline of next Sunday for him to be out by.

 

No he didn't choose to move out. He said he was sorry, but he's only sorry for having gotten caught. Of course he's sorry for that -- now he's got to find a new place to live. I can't imagine any other reason for him to be sorry.

 

One of things he told this married woman was the her backside was 'made for a thong'. Can you guess who else he used that line on? I wonder....

 

She said to him, "Don't you feel bad about cheating on your girlfriend?"

 

"I don't see us lasting. The passion is almost gone. She's got her own issues to work out. And I never let myself feel bad about these things."

 

He doesn't feel bad about cheating on me. No, he only feels bad about the consequences, and only about the consequences which are negative to him. He is what he is, just as a beast is what it is. And his actions are pretty close to that of a  beast's. This is a guy who's cheated on me God knows how many times. This is a guy who used to leave marks on my arms from holding me and not letting me go, from restraining me. This is a guy who used to scare me. This is a guy who regularly told me to shut the fuck up.

 

I guess now I know why he didn't want to kiss me on the lips that morning that I happened to catch him coming home from work. He didn't want me to smell her, I'm sure. I think he has a rule or something, and it goes like this: Only have sex with one woman per day.

 

My sponsor's been trying to tell me about acceptance. I thought she meant that you accept the other party as they are; you take what you can get, in order to make the relationship work. You stop trying to change them.

 

What she really meant was that you stop creating fantasies about things you don't like about them; stop creating fantasies about how the person really is and how you really are and how the twain SHALL meet because you're going to make them meet.

 

I guess my new life is going to be a lot more peaceful without him around, even though it may be lonely. I made a list last night called the truth about Jon and it's not very pretty. But it is the truth. And whenever I start to miss that motherfucker, I will drag it out and read it.