The Pill Popper

Why is it that I am miserable, pining over lost love, and my sister's offering me some goddamned pills? Like a sleeping pill is going to make me feel better? I guess that's what you can expect from someone whose sole company is pills and whose primary purpose in life is to medicate her various illnesses. Well, she does say that her primary purpose is to liberate her 5 year old from the foster care system, which takes better care of my niece than she could ever hope to, but I don't believe her. I think it's to take care of illnesses.

 

Though it would be nice to get a good night's sleep. Last night's was horrible.

 

She keeps wildly urging me to 'take care of myself'. As though I'm going to collapse, stop eating, and stop sleeping. Goodness, I'm upset, but I'm still logical.

 

Although I'm not sure how logical it is to cater to your sister's needs at 9:30 at night primarily in order to give yourself something to do. I'm not sure how logical it is to do this while crying your eyes out and screaming "YOU FUCKER!" at the top of your lungs and driving...all at the same time.

 

But you can't really scream "YOU FUCKER" in your apartment with the same bloodcurdling ferocity that you can while you're driving along in your car, now can you? Your neighbors probably wouldn't appreciate it. My damn sponsor (bless her heart) won't let me just give Boyfriend a little call to show him how much I care. She may have been a little shocked last night when he stopped by my bedroom door to say he was leaving and I told him to get the fuck out and leave me alone because I was in the middle of crying and not in the mood to be kind.

 

He was there moving stuff out tonight shortly after I got home from work. It was so heartbreaking; I can't believe it's really happening. I just want to tell him to stop, please stop and don't go. Please lay down with me and comfort me and don't ever leave because I love you so much. I just want to try and try and try and try...

 

But how can I love someone who's done this to me? How can I love someone whom I know has no remorse for what he's done? How can I love someone whose very nature I don't like...who has no problem breaking his promises, his big promises, not little ones like, "I won't stay at my sister's after dark because that neighborhood is dangerous..."?

 

I feel negative about just about every goddamned thing that's happening right now. I felt negatively about the OA meeting I attended tonight and then I said this prayer that my friend Angel taught me - "God, let me hear what I need to hear, see what I need to see, and do what I need to do." That opened my mind a little bit. Then I was able to listen and smile.

 

Then tonight I brought dinner with me for my sister, since I had leftovers and they wouldn't be safe in my fridge, and she fucking squealed. You know the word 'sweet'? You know how when some women get excited, they use the word sweet, as in, "Oh!!!! You're so Sweeeeeeeeeeeeet!!!!" ? And they sound like a fucking sow? That was my sister tonight. God bless her, but I just about told her to stop squealing like a fucking pig; that's how full of hatred I am. I didn't say it, thank God. How that would have hurt her feelings when she was just trying to be nice. And then I'd be crying over the pain I inflicted on her.

 

But goddamn, she is really fucking loud. Sometimes it drives me nuts. Probably because I am extremely pissed right now and I can't take it out on the appropriate party.

 

You know, I really am an ungrateful bitch. My sister took me in this weekend, let me stay with her, was really kind, and here I am bitching to high heaven about her. I wish I could make my ex boyfriend feel some serious pain, hot-poker-serious pain, but I can't. And I know that it's my Friday discovery that's really driving this bitch session.

 

My sponsor keeps telling me to write some stupid goddamned 'angry' letter and then rip it into little pieces, but I just think it's stupid. What the fuck is the point? What I'm really good at is making people who deserve it feel the pain they should feel. Like when I told Boyfriend on Sunday to 'scurry back' to his room. But God, I felt bad right after those words came out of my mouth. What I was really dying to do was grab him, hug him, and tell him I love him and forget all about what he did and who he really is.

 

I may be awfully horny by next March 24th, but if this is what dating brings, then I'll be glad to be single and non-dating for a year, because I am really tired of this shit.

 

And with that, I'll close this epistle. 'Night y'all.