Dinner and a Movie

I know I said I wasn't gonna date for a year. I know I promised my sponsor...but I couldn't help it.

 

Just kidding. I went on a 'date' with Niece. We went to dinner at Village Inn (wait till you hear this story) and then we saw "Ice Age 2". Awesome movie.

 

So I show up at FM's house. Before I can get off the phone with the cable/phone people, Niece is running out the door, bolting for my car, and giving me a hug. God I was so happy to see her! I've missed her so much.

 

I go in the house and FM and I start talking briefly. Niece shows me her room. It's small, but adequate. Decked out for a little girl. Yippy skippy. I find it mildly irritating and disturbing that there is a TV with a VCR built in so she can watch TV in her room.

 

I spin all these fantasies about how much better she would have it in my care.

 

Yeah right. Then my head's like, "Well, ex Boyfriend isn't there any more to screw with your head!"

 

So what? I'm still responsible for the decisions I made. Then my head says, "Yeah, but Mr. Wrong's not there anymore either!"

 

And? So? My abstinence and my new way of life are too young to guarantee that they'd stick if I added such a large stress point as single motherhood to the mix.

 

Do I feel like Niece belongs with me? Yes, I do. But is part of that based on a fantasy of how things would be? Yes, I think it is.

 

Well, on with the story.

 

FM says to me, "Wow, Niece really seems to love Village Inn."

 

"Probably because she's been going there with us since she was a baby, hahahahha."

 

"I asked her where you guys were going to have dinner tonight, and she immediately said, "Village Inn!""

 

That's the creepy part lol. So then Niece comes back with her coat on and I say, "Hey baby, where do you want to go for dinner tonight?"

 

"Village Inn!!!!"

 

LOL

 

So then FM says to me, "She's been waiting all day for you to come and get her. She's been talking about it all day." That statement broke my heart and warmed it at the same time.

 

Niece must feel like an alien in that house...never fully 'at home' there. When we were on our way back to her foster parents' house, she said, "FM said I could spend the night at your house."

 

"Yes, she did, but we can't do that tonight. Maybe another time honey."

 

"But I want to stay with you."

 

"Why honey?"

 

"I want to see the baby."

 

"Honey, J is gone. He's never coming back."

 

"Why?"

 

"Because he was mean." I don't know how else to explain it. It doesn't matter if she thinks he's mean. But now, thinking back on it, I know I didn't explain it as I should have. I should not have said that.

 

"He's never coming back? Never never?"

 

"Never."

 

"But he loves you!"

 

I laughed. I can't believe a 5 year old is saying this. But then I guess that children are more innocent than we are. In their world, it should be very simple: you love someone - you marry them, end of story. I immediately think, "No he doesn't. He loves himself."

 

But I say, "Well, honey, you'd have to ask him about that."

 

That was pretty much it. Why is it that I feel like I've failed Niece by dumping J?

 

Somehow, I feel like J tore Niece and I apart and now I must put us back together again. I'm not sure if that's part of some fantasy I have or if it's reality. At this time, because I know that my Disease is looking for any hole in the dam that it can find in order to rule my life once more, I'm going to go with Fantasy.

 

I came home feeling so conflicted. So I did what I'd never have dared to do at 9:30 at night in the dark when I lived in the ghetto -- I went for a walk. Sister has lent me her black jacket, which has plenty of room in it. So I was fine, even though it's something like 40 out. I had my music on my Palm Pilot, and I had plenty to think about. I was already wearing my walking shoes and had my cell phone, so I just locked up the car and then went for a walk.

 

It felt good to be outside, walking under my own power, getting to know my neighborhood. It felt good to get out of breath, feel my heart pumping faster, and to start sweating once I was near the end of the walk. I haven't done that for such a long time - basically since I took Niece in for the 2nd time in November 04.

 

I got home around 9:45 and felt wobbly. Good walk. My sponsor said that, as addicts, we try to run from feelings...I guess I was trying to walk. I wish I could just keep walking. My life is a smoking ruin. My budget for the next 2 weeks is stringent, and I won't be moving out of this place for a while. exBoyfriend was blowing smoke when he was talking about all that he was going to do to help me. He, of course, didn't follow through.

 

Why would he? He was busy finding my replacement, at least sexually. It's Friday night...he's probably screwing her at work right now.

 

I'd better wrap this up; it's descending into resentment hell.

 

God bless exBoyfriend.

 

There, Sponsor, I said it.