Sheila,
Just as you are settling into a creative groove where things seem to be getting better, someone in your world gets totally bent out of shape. Although you may have done nothing to contribute to it, you still might be the object of their anger. Yet you must deal with the situation. Avoid getting hooked into complicated dramas just because you care. If someone else created the mess; you don't need to clean it up.
Hopefully my Spanish isn't too screwed up on that heading.
Last Wednesday, there was a 'family group therapy' session that I didn't attend. It's not that I wasn't invited; it's that I declined. I was afraid they were gonna put a guilt trip on me and some other things. Also, my mother is prone to histrionics, and this meeting, to her, was no less an appropriate place for a show than her own front living room. I'm not sure I would have had things to say that my family would have wanted to hear.
Well, apparently, something happened at the meeting. I started getting that apprehensive feeling like there was something going on that I didn't know about. I called Niece's foster mom on Thursday or Friday to try and talk to Niece or set up a visit with her and found out that Niece had been moved to her new foster home. She was going to give me the new foster family's phone number but then must have thought better of it, because she didn't have it while we were on the phone and my follow up call is unanswered.
Dad told me that, at the Wednesday meeting, they had pressured my sister to give Niece up for adoption because my sister can't handle Niece. That my sister can't handle Niece is no surprise. That the powers that be had finally realized this is a shock.
That really threw me for a loop though. I am still feeling it. One, I am worried about how Niece is doing. I know she's healthy and being fed and stuff. I just don't know how she's feeling. Is she feeling alone? Abandoned? I guess the new foster family was surprised at how manipulative Niece is. It's a survival mechanism -- one that foster kids often develop. Niece has become a 'foster' kid…something I never wanted her to be. I wanted to prevent that by raising her myself, but I couldn't do it. I have a lot of guilt over that.
It also threw me for a loop that Niece might be adopted. Would I still be able to see her? Would I still get to be part of her life? And then I started to realize how my sister must feel -- she must feel as sad about this as me, only worse. I felt like I'd lost a child when Niece went to live with a foster family. It was the most wrenching pain I've ever felt and it still lingers. I think about it every day. The thoughts come unbidden. And knowing that my actions partially caused this pain to my sister, whom I love, was also hard for me to bear.
I finally got a hold of my mom really late on Saturday night. She was very upset. I got the feeling that her anger was directed at me as well as those telling my sister to give up Niece for adoption. My mom loves to blame me for all this - the logic is that if I hadn't called CPS, then none of this would be happening. But she conveniently forgets that if you take that one step further back, you get the following logic: If my mom hadn't tied my then 2 year old niece's together with duct tape and my sister had taken care of her daughter, no one would have called CPS. If they had cleaned their frickin house instead of allowing it to become Insectopia, no one would have called CPS. But you can't make people be honest with themselves. If they had listened to me about these things, I wouldn't have had to call someone else. Was I supposed to stand by and let that little girl be abused and neglected in the name of keeping my family's shameful secrets away from the prying eyes of the outside world?
That's the thing -- my mom and dad love family secrets. They love to 'handle' things with no one else involved. Talk about an alcoholic family. Even if things are horribly wrong, you don't get others involved. You don’t ever divulge the family secrets. That way, the parents are safe. That's the crux of the matter. The parents will be safe as long as the secrets are kept, but if they get out, the parents will suffer the wrath of the public. The children are not safe while the secrets are kept; the children get safety after the secrets are divulged. See how the odd that is?
While secrets are kept: parents are safe. Children are in danger.
When secret is not kept: Parents are in danger. Children are safe.
Keeping the secrets serves only the parents, not the children. So the motive for this is not family pride, not family integrity. The motive for this is selfishness, pure unadulterated selfishness and nothing else.
So I committed the horrible sin of taking things outside the family. Now everything would be shown in the light of day. Mom couldn't hide inside TV anymore. Dad's alcoholism was plain for everyone to see. My sister would have to become independent of her parents. Horrors! They would all have to change.
But some people refuse to change. My mom and dad refused to change. My mom refuses to be honest with herself. During our conversation on Friday or Saturday night, she made a big deal about how CPS is an evil organization and they are trying to steal my sister's possession - her daughter. I said, "Mom, CPS is only involved because of what you did. If you hadn't tied her up with duct tape, none of this would be happening." Mom won't listen to this stuff. She won't be honest with herself. For God's sake woman! Just admit it! Just own up to it and say you were wrong and that you feel bad about what you did! She's just lying to herself and it angers me to no end how she acts so holier than thou when she has done these things.
I guess one of the reasons that CPS is now saying that Niece should be adopted is because my sister wants to parent from her chair. She doesn't want to get up and get the kid and make her do what she needs to do. It's because she's afraid of the pain it might bring because of her back. Either now or later because she's 'overdone' it.
She thinks she'll be able to handle Niece if Niece would only be hers alone to handle. She tried to get me to promise that if Niece comes home, then I wouldn't call CPS again.
"Why would I call CPS if you're taking care of Niece properly?"
"I don't know."
"I tried to warn you guys. No one would listen to me. I tried to talk to you guys so many times but no one wanted to listen. I can only promise you that if I see something going on, I will try to talk to you about it first. But as long as you take good care of Niece, you have nothing to fear from me."
She didn't say anything. She knew it was true.
"Mom's angry at me isn't she?"
"Well, don't take this personally or the wrong way or anything. Just take it as exactly what I'm saying." I nodded my assent. "The prevailing logic is that if you hadn't called CPS, none of this would happening."
"Ok, I can see that, but why not take it a step back? If no one had duct taped that child, no one would have called CPS. If no one had tied her up, no one would have called CPS. If she were being taken care of properly, no one would have called CPS." Then I had another thought and I wanted to test it out on my sister. "I just know that if I have a kid and I make one screw up, Mom will call CPS."
My sister's whole demeanor changed to one of someone who's warning someone else of danger. "Yes she would. She wants revenge. She'd do it."
This is not just drama mongering. This is absolute truth. I am not being melodramatic. My mother would in fact do this. She would call CPS out of some petty, selfish need for revenge.
Notice that my sister has forgiven me. Notice that my sister doesn't seem to blame me much. Notice that she is not angry with me. She is the one whose child was taken away. She is the one under scrutiny from CPS. Not my mother. Yet, it's my mother who's talking about fighting, fighting, fighting. Yet, it's my mother who is furious with me. As though I had called CPS on her.
I guess I can see why. After all, who was it that duct taped Niece?
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