It's Over

…and I'll probably never see my ex again.

That's how these things go, I guess. I'm kinda sad, but I'm also kinda angry.

I'm glad I'm still at work and not at home. I'm glad I didn't have to see him today or actually hear his voice.

He helped me get some honesty in my life, helped me learn to stop asking for approval from everyone…everyone but him. He encouraged me to go to OA. He encouraged me to take care of myself and get out from the stranglehold my family had over me. He made me laugh so much that it hurt and he made my face hurt from smiling. He taught me what it's like to really dig the person you're with. He gave me some inkling of what a healthy relationship ought to feel like. And he gave the best hugs I've ever received. Nothing felt so satisfying each day as receiving a hug from him.

But he also gave me migraines from tears, both shed and unshed. He cheated on and lied to and abused me too…but I don't think that he's evil. I don't think he knows another way…and I think he probably believes that the cheating and abuse happened because I'm not the woman for him. But then, he wasn't the man for me, and I still didn't cheat on and abuse him. There was the deception about Mr. Wrong at first, but that was never repeated.

In the end, it doesn't matter whose fault it was, except in the sense of whether you walk away with regrets or not. I don't have any regrets. I tried my best. It just didn't work out.

So that's it. And so I take a deep breath and begin my first adult year spent all by myself.