The Company Newsletter

In a word, it sucks.

The newsletter tries sooooooooo hard to be relevant. Really it does. But it's just so BORING. It doesn't find the human interest stories and has very little humor.

And there of course is the section that I hate the most -- 'Work Tips'. They could sum up the articles in this section by saying the following:

'Always remember the Company is watching. Work your fingers to the bone for the Company. Don't cyberslack. Follow all rules. The Company is watching. You will be fired. Tell on those who don't follow the rules. Rumplestiltskin is the Company's name. The Company is watching. We want your firstborn child. The Company is watching.'

I remember when I worked at our local newspaper and then again at this local Bank. People loved getting the newsletter at both places. It was awesome. People just loved reading about stuff, and the editors always managed to find interesting stories. Perhaps it was because it was a newspaper, and the people who worked there knew how to write stories that people would like to read. As for the Bank's newsletter, well, I guess the thing there was that the Bank had not yet grown into behemoth proportions like this overgrown company has.

The other thing about those other two places was that they actually published the newsletter -- they didn't just put it online. Goodness gracious -- hardly anyone really knows when the newsletter comes out around here. I could take a poll right now to find out how many people have actually read that newsletter. But why bother? I already know that hardly anyone reads that thing.

Anyway, they have this little application that you can fill out in order to be on the team for the newsletter. I almost volunteered until I actually read an issue of the newsletter -- no way am I signing up to write schlock like that.

Here's my application --

Name -- Secretary
Division -- Sales
Job title -- Secretary
Department operations -- I wipe everyone's butt. Basically, I fill the copier because many of the staff members here are men and the support staff is female, so of course once they crawl out of their caves and then show up at the office in the morning, the men become helpless and can't figure out how to put paper in the copiers. They also aren't quite sure how to work a computer, so I occasionally must teach them about the wonders of electricity and how plugging in the computer would really help them get it to work, as opposed to beating their closed laptops until their knuckles are bloody.

Supervisor’s name -- Supervisor
Year’s of service at ABC Nuts and Bolts -- 3 GLORIOUS years!!
Previous experience with newsletter/copywriting -- I edited a neighborhood association's newsletter until I divorced my husband, moved out of our home, and basically stopped sending them stuff. They sent me some stupid letter, but I threw it away without opening it. I loathe shopping at the grocery store around there for fear that I'll run into one of them who will know my shame.

Why you wish to join the subcommittee -- I think the newsletter needs some major renovation. For starters, it might be good to start actually publishing it in paper form instead of finding the cheapest way of doing it, not publicizing it, and then sticking with that. Secondly, I think it probably needs more cusswords, or perhaps some blue humor. Imagine the buzz! It may also be prudent to add in some celebrity gossip -- specifically, I think we should talk more about Brangelina and Vaughniston. An editorial that tells Jennifer Aniston to stop talking about her ex husband might be a good addition. Pictures of Tara Reid doing a drunken pratfall could add some spice too. Another great addition would be a list of great celebrity gossip sites and a link to Gallery of the Absurd (www.galleryoftheabsurd.com).

I think the 'Work Tips' section is great, but it needs something…try these: 

• The Company Owes You: How to Filch Water and Pop Without Being Seen
  
• They'd Fire You Without a Moment's Notice or Reason -- Why It's Really OK to Visit Monster.com During Work Hours and Create Doctor's Appts to Disguise Job Interviews


• How to Waste Time: Monopoly, a Palm Pilot, and a Porcelain Throne
  
• 50 Bulletproof Excuses for Chronic Tardiness
  
• 10 Bulletproof Reasons to Get Out of Any Meeting
  
• 5 Ways to Avoid Work That You Deem Pointless
  
• Office Hoarders: Give Me Carte Blanc to Toss Junk and I'll Give You a Clean Back Office
  
• Be Snarky and Get Away With It - The Power of Smileys and 'Just Kidding'