Allow me to begin by apologizing for the lack of posts lately. My friend N proposed this evening that the Sims 2 has cut into my blogging time. I informed her that I blog from work, so it is in fact my actual performance of work that has cut into my blogging time. My workload of expenses probably would not agree with that, since I'm woefully behind, but I have indeed been doing actual work. In fact, I probably should've just scheduled a day of vacation today to deal with this mess. Add to that the extreme personal situation that I'm in, and you can see where my energies are going.
Today was the hearing during which they might or might not change the direction of Niece's case. The goal could have been changed from reunification to termination or from reunification to reunification concurrent with something else, etc. Or they could just say, time for Niece to come home. Judges have, after all, been known to get wild hairs up their asses or just plain disregard evidence.
This judge, however, is a non-asshole and actually paid attention to the evidence. The goal of the case was changed from reunification to reunification concurrent with adoption.
So, anyway, it was a HUGE deal for me today. And naturally, it produced strong emotions, which I would, naturally, prefer not to feel.
I was writing my food down today and wasn't really paying attention to what I was writing. I was on auto pilot while on the phone with a friend of mine's answering machine. It's important to note that I usually eat oatmeal for breakfast every morning that I'm at work. This oatmeal affair has been going on for a long time now.
I wrote down my breakfast, finished the call, then hung up. Then I went back to writing down my food, looked at what I had written, and saw that instead of the word oatmeal staring up at me from the page, there were two words written there:
"ice cream"
Hmmm..wonder what's up with that? I haven't had ice cream since I started going to OA. Man, that was a white-knuckler, let me tell you. But I made it. And since then, I've lived quite well without that shit. But when I saw a tray with 2 milkshakes being carried past me today whilst eating my dinner, I have to admit that I had a gut reaction to that, literally.
So then, with my mind finally cleared of worry about this hearing, I was able to finally concentrate on stepwork and on OA. I have been putting off a certain assignment forever. I decided to read the Big Book while eating dinner. And I read this one story about the housewife who hid her liquor in hampers and drawers. I read about how she was addiction-hopping, still running from feelings and from life. I realized I had been doing that.
I call my sponsor with this revelation, expecting praise for this glorious discovery and I get this instead: "You wouldn't have been addiction-hopping if you'd been doing your stepwork."
Pause. Rewind that.
"You didn't expect me to say that, did you?"
"Well, no, but it's true. I was expecting something more like, you're a star, my you're so intelligent, or some other form of praise and adulation."
And it is true. If I'd stayed true to myself instead of hiding out in whatever I could find, whether that was recklessly spending money and then cleaning up the messes I made by doing so or by playing The Sims 2 relentlessly, I would've had way more self awareness and therefore, way less necessity to hide at all. I wouldn't have hidden in shame, wondering what I was doing wrong, but at the same time, working really hard to not find out.
With this hearing behind me, I have a new clarification about my limits on a number of things. I'm so thankful for that. I need that clarity so badly.
And now back to life...
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