The Porno Director

 

Doing expenses can be so much fun. You can figure out a lot about people by how they behave on business trips.

 

I'm on vacation as of midnight tonight, but I had to go in earlier and finish up my outstanding expense reports so that my directors and VPs didn't get nastygrams. They'd then forward these nastygrams to me and testily demand to know why the hell they're getting said nastygrams, even though they turned in their expense reports promptly to me.

 

Of course, the answer to that question is always one thing only -- I'm a huge procrastinator and the fucking phone's always ringing off the fucking hook with Geico callers and others who frequently fat finger whatever fucking number they're trying to dial. And let's not forget the widget callers. This wouldn't be a big deal for me, except that Twiggy fucking walks away from her desk whenever she wants and says nary a word to me about it. I miss the Temp so much!

 

So, anyway, I put off doing these expense reports as long as possible this weekend, and after spending the day with Niece, I head in to the office at about 9:15 PM and start working on the things.

 

I'm doing expense report number four and come across an unknown item charged to a hotel room for a director whom we'll call Arby. He's a really nice guy; actually one of my favorite directors. Not being able to figure out what this thing is that's charged to his hotel room, I check his other receipts and, sure enough, it ain't a meal, because he had lunch, dinner, and breakfast at other establishments in the city.

 

I, of course, know what this charge is.

 

It's porn.

 

No doubt about it, and here's why. This guy always orders movies while he's in his hotel room. The company won't pay for them, of course. Normally, he'll write right on the hotel bill that the charge is a movie. So I don't have to call the hotel and find out what the hell cost $35.00.

 

On his last trip, he forgot to notate that he had ordered a movie, so I had to call the hotel.

 

"Hi, my name is Secretary and one of the guys I support stayed at your hotel on suchandsuch dates, and I need to know what this extra charge is on the folio."

 

"Ok, great, just give me suchandsuch information and I'll look it up."

 

I give the information.

 

"Alrighty, here we go, got the folio. I see the amount and it's for, oh. Ummm. It's ahhhh....*cough*, uhhhhh....," he stammers.

 

"Well what is it? Is it a movie?"

 

"Ummm, yeah, it's a movie..." and he's going to go on. I'm sensing that this might be a bit embarrassing...for us both. So I cut him off.

 

"Great, that's all I need to know."

 

Big sigh. "Alrighty, great, is there anything else I can help you with?" He sounds relieved that I didn't make him say it.

 

"Nope, I'm good."

 

And of course I know exactly why that dude was so embarrassed. Because Arby ordered a movie with a title akin to Naughty Nurses in Nineveh or something.

 

I don't fault him for it. Of course not. He's human, as are we all. Even women think about sex all the time, just not quite as much as guys. You're a businessman stuck in some city overnight with virtually nothing to do, and you can't go around visiting the cool stuff because you're not a tourist, and you're not going to go hang out in bars, because you've become a family man now, so what else are you gonna do? Order Narnia with that little remote? I don't think so dude.