Boyfriend may soon be reading this blog. I haven't made up my mind about that.
This blog contains a lot of things I've said about him that I'm not proud of; things that I said when I was angry and or in the thrall of others who thought that Boyfriend was the Devil Incarnate because he threatened that person's authority over and plans for my life. This blog exposes me quite a lot...a lot of the things that are in here are probably things that Boyfriend already knows or has guessed, but I am afraid that him reading negative things will serve no purpose other than to just hurt his feelings and alienate him from me.
Or perhaps serve as fodder during our next argument. People always profess that if you come clean with them, whatever you tell them is safe with them, but it's usually not really safe. Your confidences will indeed one day become argument fodder. People are just fallible that way. Boyfriend's already done that. I have trusted him with intimacy and it's sometimes been rewarded with spite during arguments. It's hard to feel safe giving him my most intimate thoughts and doubts about myself because I know they might be thrown back in my face eventually. I can't really say that I'm perfect in this way, either, but I try not to punch below the belt during arguments, though sometimes passion causes me to do things that are against my better judgment.
Boyfriend makes a case for wanting access to this blog. He says that it is upsetting to him that millions of people can read this blog and know more about my thoughts than he does. In one way, that's true. But if he would just listen to me and not dismiss me so much, if I felt safe just telling him everything I thought and felt, then he could know just as much or more than anyone else. I hate it when I am trying to tell him something important to me and as I start to speak, he utters the infamous, "Oh Jesus", sometimes accompanied by a shake of the head, as if to say, " Oh great. Here she goes again." I'm sure he doesn't mean it, or maybe I'm not so sure, but what I get from that is this, "Oh great, here goes some meaningless pronouncement or drivel from S again," and the other thought that goes along with that, "I wish I didn't have to listen to this."
Although I do dislike it when he does that, I have the feeling that he's either half-kidding or kidding entirely. But I hate it when he does it...it just reminds me of past experiences of not being listened to. Some people would say, well, just stop thinking that. But relationships are supposed to be a half and half thing...if you tell your partner that you intensely dislike when they do a certain something, they should probably try to stop doing it, unless you're just being an unreasonable jerk. I don't think asking one's partner to stop adopting an air of disdain when one is about to share their thoughts and feelings is asking too much.
Sometimes I feel like I am playing the stupid foil to his 'genius'. Have I turned into one of those women who constantly aspires to look stupid next to her man in order to pump him up? I know I'm not stupid by any means, although sometimes lacking in common sense. I wonder if he respects my intellect sometimes. I have a feeling, though, that I am safe with him overall. He would not deliberately try to hurt me, I think.
Sharing this blog with him comes down to, should I let my last shred of separation go? This is probably the last thing that is completely and totally separate from our relationship. Am I willing to amalgamate my personality completely into the relationship? What is the ship sinks? The consequences would be very great; but the rewards could be much, much greater.
I guess it's time to let go of the what-ifs and throw in with Boyfriend. Now or never.
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