Cowtowing to the JOB

I have the worst time going to bed on time on work nights. I also refuse to get my clothes laid out for the next day or do anything akin to prep for tomorrow morning. It's a miracle that I'm not late every day and that I show up looking decent enough.

 

Now, the question is, why would someone absolutely refuse to make the most rudimentary, quick, easy preparations for her day tomorrow when she has to be at work an hour and a half early?

 

Is it because she refuses to give in to her job that she secretly and stupidly holds in contempt for no good reason?

Is it because she is a rebel in her own mind, who won't bow to conformity? Does she refuse to grow up?

Or is it because her inner child is folding her arms, stamping her feet, and poutingly yet determinedly saying, "NO! I don't wanna!" And the 29 year old woman is actually listening to the child?

 

Does it matter?

 

Not really.

 

I had to be here today at 7am. That meant that I needed to get out of the house by 6:50. That meant that I would need to be up by 6:30 at the latest.

 

I got up at 6:50. I left at 7am and got here by 7:10. I could have gone to bed by 11 last night. Could have. Should have. I was done working out, which I had promised myself I would do since I had skipped a day, by 10:30pm. Then Boyfriend was hungry and I have to admit that I was too, so we had some leftover pizza. We were done with that by 11, I think. We should have just gone to bed.

 

But what did yours truly, genius that she is, do instead? She popped in War of the Worlds and proceeded to watch it, with Boyfriend, until about 1:30am.  Oh God, the insanity! Oh God, I am so tired, and I feel so dumb!

 

I was thinking about this this morning while I was stumbling around in the dark, sniffing for decent clothing. Boyfriend popped up just long enough to whine about the lamp being on at that ungodly hour, and to hug me good bye. And I wondered, why do I refuse!!!!! to prepare for the next day on weekdays?

 

I swear, it is like part of me just says, "No. I'm not bowing to this job. You can have my daytime hours, but you're not getting anything else!" And I thought, would I think like that if I was working in a position that I liked? If I had a job that I didn't outright hold in contempt, even though it pays me well and I have nice people to work with? Probably not. For some reason, I just feel that if I take my job too seriously, if I give it more than my minimum efforts all the time (I do give it more than minimum efforts, by the way), then I will have given up something of myself.

 

Isn't that crazy? I think it means I need a different career. Entirely. A new job won't do it. I need to decide what I want (I have been thinking hard about being a teacher) and then go for it, or I will be feeling this way every day forever.

 

I could feel contentment at this job. I could. I could stay here forever if I don't screw up and care just enough to do just well enough in order to avoid problems. If I just keep showing up on time every day as scheduled, I could stay here, no sweat. But is that what I want for the next 36 years of my career?

 

Well, not really.