Limits

There are some people who out there who are absolute dynamos. They can raise a child singlehandedly while going to college part time, working full time, cleaning their house, staying in shape, all at the same time and all very successfully. They do this successfully because they are either driven, have great support systems, or are gifted with a consistent high level of energy which, without something to spend the energy on, would fry them.

 

I'm not one of those.

 

This has been a hard lesson to learn, as prior to learning it, I always pushed and pushed and pushed myself to do more and more and more, never stopping to really smell the flowers or anything similar to that. And I always wondered why I could never get anything done.

 

When I started therapy, my therapist quickly figured out that I had too much wrong with me to add more stuff to the pot. When you are spending all your energy on being depressed and angry and managing your horror of a job as well as your horror of a marriage, I guess that makes it harder to go to school at night. It makes it harder to find energy to do almost anything else at all.

 

Now I am in a position in my life where I have excellent support, a healthy relationship that adds to my life, and things are running along kind of smoothly. After a little bit more time with things running smoothly, I think I will start working on the next phase of my career: the elusive dream that is my college education.

 

I told my friends about some of my frustrations with this position. One of them, Kay (named so because she's from Kentucky), expressed urgent worry that this is no way to live! I must do something about my misery right NOW! I had to kind of assure her that something will be done when I am ready but I am not going to stress myself out by trying to stuff too much into my life and having my efforts go to waste. One thing at a time.

 

I suppose she not learned patience. Perhaps that's it. Or perhaps her overreaction speaks to how she feels about her own life. I think it says more about her than it does about me, comprende? I don't think she's happy in her position. She is constantly getting paged at all hours and is much busier than I. However, she is also paid about $3 less per hour than I. She also manages 2 other people. For what she gets paid, she should have this job and I should have hers.

 

The devil in me says that she wants me to leave this job so she can have it. She knows my salary. But I know deep down that this is not the case. I know there is probably that aspect, but it is in no way Kay's major motivation. She understands how I feel because she feels it too, but she hasn't fully examined it. It's hard for people who don't know their own limits to understand people who do.

 

If I were a dynamo, then I would sign up for college right now, I would raise Niece, and I would do it all by myself. But I'm not a dynamo. I'm just an ordinary person. And I know my limits: one major extracurricular focus at a time.